Gideon loved me. Even as I had the thought, that voice in my head—the one that had always reminded me that no one had ever wanted me just for me—rejected it.
But for once, I shut that useless noise in my head down. The voice might've been right, but my reaction hadn't been. Even if Gideon thought he loved me, he hadn't deserved my dismissal. I could've saved my freak-out moment for after I'd been alone. But unfortunately, that wasn't how freak-outs worked and, once again, Gideon had been witness to one of mine. Then he'd been bearing the brunt of King's fists. That had been my fault too. If I hadn't overreacted to Gideon's declaration, King never would have gone after him like he had.
God, how had I fucked this up so badly?
"Get over yourself," I berated myself as I sat up and swung my legs over the bed. My head spun, but it wasn't enough to stop me from climbing to my feet. "King?" I called. I was relieved to hear footsteps coming toward the bedroom. I ran a hand over the shirt and pants I was wearing. They felt like the same ones I'd been wearing right before Gideon and I had made love. Since anything was better than being naked, I reached out a hand and began the slow process of moving forward. It had been a few weeks since I'd been in the master bedroom of Birch Cabin, but I still remembered that there were thirty-two steps from the bed to the stairs that led to the first level. I'd made it about ten steps when the footsteps that had been getting closer came to a stop.
"King, I need you to take me back to see Gideon. I have to talk to him. I have to make him understand."
"Understand what?"
I froze at the sound of Gideon's voice. I'd just assumed that after the fiasco with King and my poorly timed hypoglycemic event, Gideon had kicked us out of his house and King had taken me back to Birch Cabin.
"Are we at your place or mine?" I asked before realizing it really didn't matter. Gideon was here. That was all I cared about.
"Aren't they both my place now?" Gideon asked. There was no missing the anger in his voice. I didn't understand him at first, but when I replayed the question in my head a couple of times, things clicked. King's untimely arrival, Gideon referring to Birch Cabin as his…
"Gideon," I began, but then realized I didn't know what the hell to say. I'd fucked up on every level with this man. I’d lashed out at him so many times over things he hadn't even done…
"Why, Lex?" Gideon asked. The anger had switched over to something else. Disappointment, maybe. Hurt, even. I felt sick to my stomach, though I knew there would be no hypoglycemic event rescuing me from having to face the truth.
"I don't…" I murmured. For some reason, I couldn't collect my thoughts. Looking through his eyes, all I could see was how crazy I must have appeared. Had I always been this way? Maybe deep down, I'd known all along why people hadn't wanted to be with me.
"I never wanted a penny from you," Gideon said fiercely. "Our relationship was never about that. Or did you think it was? Were you trying to buy me—"
"No!" I interrupted. I took a step forward, but my hand met with nothing but air. I could tell he was in front of me, but I had no way of knowing how far away he was. I desperately wished he’d take my hand, but I knew that he had absolutely no reason to. "No, Gideon."
"Why did you do this, Lex? I loved you. You made me fall in love with you…"
His voice caught on what I was terrified sounded like half sob. But I couldn’t know for sure if I wasn’t able to touch him.
Loved. He’d said loved. With a “d.”
Past tense.
God, what if it had been true? What if he really had loved me? What if I'd finally found everything I'd been looking for my entire life and I’d thrown it away because I'd been too afraid to reach for it, to hold on to it? And worse, if it were true, I'd hurt Gideon horribly by rejecting him.
"You know what, I think maybe you should just go," Gideon said. "I'll call King to come get you."
"No, Gideon, wait! Please, just wait."
But unlike so many of the other times, Gideon didn't wait for me. He didn't reach for me. I heard his retreating footsteps. He was walking away just like so many people in my life had.
The pain of his rejection nearly had me falling to my knees, but for once, my mind overruled my body and I found myself straightening my spine. I drew in a breath and took a step forward, then another. I focused on counting each step and when I reached the right number, I put my hand out. It was greeted by smooth wood. I didn't take any time to dwell on the small victory. Instead, I pushed forward and began counting the steps it would take to make it down Gideon's hallway. I heard the distinctive jingle of Brewer’s collar, but when the dog pressed against me, I spared him only a quick pat. "I got this, buddy," I said to him when he tried to lean into me. As I continued moving forward, I could still sense the dog's presence next to me, but I didn't feel any need to lean on him.
It wasn't until I reached the living room that I stopped and listened. I didn't hear anything at first, so I had the sinking feeling that Gideon had left me. But just before I took another step forward, I heard it—a sharp cracking sound that I knew wasn't coming from inside the cabin.
I closed my eyes and focused on getting through the living room, then to the back door of the kitchen. I chose that door because I was almost certain that the sound I was hearing was coming from the backyard rather than the front. I knew I was right when I opened the door.
I hadn't spent any time in Gideon's backyard, so I had a moment of uncertainty as I considered what could potentially happen, especially if Gideon refused to listen to me and left me in a place I wasn't familiar with. But there really wasn't any question of what I would do next. Remembering the tumble I’d taken down the steps the day Gideon had brought me to his house for the first time, I reached out to find any kind of banister. There wasn't one, so I had no choice but to inch my way forward until I was able to locate the first step. I couldn't remember how many steps there were, so it was considerably disorienting as I tried to determine whether or not I'd reached the bottom. I didn't take a breath until my shoes landed on snow.
I could still hear the sound I'd heard in the house, but I now knew what it was. Gideon was chopping wood. I hadn't heard any kind of pause, so I assumed he either hadn't seen me coming down the steps or he hadn't cared.
I made my way toward the sound, but I had no idea how close to him I was. I stopped and shouted his name, but the chopping continued. I moved closer and repeated the action, and this time there was a slight pause before the chopping started up again. "Gideon!" I yelled for the third time.
"Go wait inside for your brother, Lex!" Gideon shouted back.
He started chopping wood again. Biting back my frustration, I tried again to get him to listen but there was no pause in the chopping as I spoke. My frustration turned to anger as I tried to think of some way to force him to listen to me. When I finally came up with a plan, there was no hesitation on my part to execute it.
If Gideon didn't want me anymore, that was fine. But I damn well wasn't walking away until he said the words to my face.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Gideon
The first snowball caught me square in the back. The second one caught me right in the side of the face.
I turned completely around just in time for Lex to launch another one in my direction. If I hadn't ducked, it too would've gotten me in the face. For a guy who couldn't see shit, Lex had some pretty damn good aim.
"Knock it off, Lex!" I yelled.
"Your orders only work in bed!" he responded. "So unless that's where you want this conversation to happen…"
He chucked another snowball at me. I sidestepped it and then hurried toward him. He was in the process of bending down to make another snowball, so I quickened my pace and reached him just as he let the thing fly. It sailed harmlessly over my shoulder. But then the man had the audacity to bend down like he was going to make another one, so I grabbed his arm and yanked him forward. "What?" I snapped.
Lex swallowed hard, but to my surprise, he d
idn't look away. His eyes stayed right on mine as he said, "I bought the cabins because I wanted to stay here longer. With you."
"Lex," I began because he was too late. He was just too damn late. But he barreled on as if I hadn't interrupted him.
"I was supposed to leave two weeks ago. When I called Harvey up to see if I could rent Birch Cabin for a few more weeks, he said it was already booked for the rest of the season. So were the other cabins. I… I knew that you needed me, but it wouldn't have been right to assume I could stay with you and I didn't want to stay in one of the hotels in the next town over, so I offered to buy the place. I was… I was desperate. I didn't want to leave." Lex's voice softened considerably as he said that last part.
"Your brother said you were trying to put the cabins in my name," I said. I loosened my hold on him because it was far too distracting to have him so close. I needed to hang on to my anger because it was all I had left. It was the only thing that was keeping me whole.
"After I made Harvey the offer and paid for all the people who'd booked the cabins to change their plans, I realized that I'd inadvertently made myself your boss. I started to worry that it would piss you off but then I also was worried that if I ever sold the place to someone else, you could potentially lose your job. I figured you could either run the cabins yourself or sell them and do whatever you wanted with any profit."
"Did it ever occur to you just to talk to me, Lex?" I said, unable to hide my disbelief that he’d gone through such ridiculous efforts just to stay near me for a little longer. I happily would've let him stay with me for as long as he’d wanted.
"No, Gideon, it didn't. I know that sounds insane, but…"
For the first time in our conversation, Lex dropped his eyes. I reached my fingers out to tip his head back up. "But what?"
"Believing that you wouldn't want me was a whole lot easier than waiting for you to actually say it."
"Lex—"
"Just… just let me finish, okay, Gideon? I can't promise any of it will make sense when I'm done, but I need to know that when you send me on my way, it's the real me that you're saying goodbye to. I don't want to wonder if I might've had a chance with you if I’d just been me."
His words broke my heart, but I knew that anything I said now would fall on deaf ears. He seemed to have this crazy notion that I hadn't seen the real him the entire time that we’d been together. But I was coming to realize that Lex had been blind for a long time now. Long before he’d lost his sight. "Okay," I said softly.
Lex nodded shakily and swallowed hard. "They found me when I was only a few hours old in a garbage can behind an elementary school on Lexington Avenue. That's how I got my name. The school was Parker Elementary. Lexington Parker. Lex," he murmured. "They never found my mom. I wasn't wrapped in anything; there was no note, nothing… just me and the rest of the trash."
I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I knew it could potentially derail the conversation. He was clearly struggling to hold it together. Part of me didn't want to hear anymore, while the other part needed to know everything. I remembered what King had said about Lex being a certain kind of strong. His words were starting to make sense.
"I became a ward of the state. A lot of babies in the same situation get adopted right away because there are plenty of people out there that want babies. But that number goes down pretty fast when it comes to the sick ones. And I guess I was pretty sickly from the start. I don't really remember the first dozen foster families, but the second dozen were a mixed bag."
It was all I could do not to make a sound when he rattled off how many foster homes he'd been in.
"Some of the families are genuinely nice and they try really hard to give the kids they’re taking care of a good life, but a kid like me takes up a lot of resources. Not just financial ones. It was easy to wear out my welcome pretty quickly. I guess I was never in one place long enough for anyone to really notice that I wasn't lying about not feeling good all the time. It’s not unheard of for kids in foster care to do anything they can to try to get a little extra attention. Some kids act out, some kids get clingy… some kids make up ailments that don’t exist."
"But yours did," I suggested.
Lex nodded. "Even once the diabetes was diagnosed, it was hard to find someone who was willing to monitor my health. I had a couple of really good case workers who tried to get me into homes as often as they could whenever I got out of the hospital, but the group homes were a little easier. It meant I got to be with King and Con. Did King tell you how we met?"
"He did," I said.
"He probably downplayed his and Con's roles."
"What do you mean?"
"They didn't just protect me while we were in foster care together," he murmured. "They're both older than me so they aged out before I did. Do you know what happens when you age out?"
"They put you on the streets and you’re pretty much on your own."
"If it had just been the two of them, they probably would've just moved on. But they had to take care of me." I saw Lex shiver, but I wasn't sure if it was because he was cold or if it was something else. Either way, I knew he needed a break.
"Let's go inside, okay?"
Lex nodded and let me lead him into the house. I got him settled at the kitchen table and then went to the refrigerator to find him something to drink. I placed a bottle of water in front of him.
"Tell me about your brothers, Lex."
Lex drew in a deep breath. "After they aged out, they still somehow managed to keep tabs on me. Sometimes I'd end up in a foster home where one or both of the parents would threaten to knock me around or one of the older kids would rough me up, but as soon as King or Con saw even a single bruise on me, those people never touched me again. Sometimes I’d just end up back in the group home, but other times it was like the parents or the kids were afraid of me."
"Your brothers really love you."
"They do," Lex choked out and then he was wiping at his eyes. He took a moment to collect himself and said, "My health problems continued as I got older. The diabetes damaged my kidneys and I ended up on dialysis while I was waiting for a transplant. I was sixteen when I went on the transplant list, but there are so many people on those lists… so many deserving people and not enough organs." Lex sighed and said, "Con and King were so upset. I'd never seen them like that. It was one battle neither of them could fight for me."
I reached my hand out to cover Lex's. He gripped it hard. "What happened?" I asked.
"I got sicker and sicker. I pretty much lived in the hospital because I spent so much time on the dialysis machines. I was ready to die, Gideon. I was so ready."
His words had me pulling his hand to my chest. The idea that I could've lost him before I'd even found him was fucking with my head big time.
"But King and Con refused to give up on me. They both got tested to see if they were a match. It turned out that Con was." A tear slipped down Lex's face. "You should've seen him, Gideon. As soon as Con found out, he was trying to check himself into the hospital. I think if he could've taken his own kidney out, he would have." Lex smiled a little, but it was a sad smile. He wiped at his tears and mumbled, "Sorry."
I assumed he was apologizing for the tears, so I pulled his hand up and kissed his palm. "Don't be. You got the transplant," I said. I'd noticed the scar on his side when we’d been making love, but I’d been too preoccupied to ask about it.
"Yeah. But not until I turned eighteen. Since Con wasn’t related to me and I had no family, there was a lot of red tape. I think it just came down to the state not wanting to pay for the transplant and the hospital not wanting to risk me not having a support system in place to help me recover. Anyway, as soon as I turned eighteen, I had the surgery. I was pretty sick by then, so it was hard to find a doctor who was willing to perform the operation. And my insurance through the state wouldn't cover it because they said I should stay on the dialysis machines."
"How did you get the surgery, then?”
/> “Con and King. They paid for it themselves. And they found a doctor who was willing to perform the procedure despite the risks.”
“That kind of procedure and supportive care couldn’t have been cheap,” I offered. My opinion of his brothers, even the one who’d turned my face into hamburger, shot up exponentially.
“It wasn’t,” Lex said softly. “I never found out how King got the money for his half, but Con got his by joining an illegal fight club.” Lex dashed at his eyes. “You should have seen him, Gideon. He was covered in bruises all the time… I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Neither of them would. Not until they had every penny.”
When Lex took a moment to get his emotions under control, I remained silent, but I ran my thumb over his to remind him I was there.
“The surgery was a success and after I recovered, I went to live with King and Con. It kind of feels like that’s when my life really started."
"Makes sense," I said.
"It felt like I wasn't worth anything to anyone for the first eighteen years of my life, Gideon. Except to Con and King. And eventually my other brothers, Luca and Vaughn. I thought things would be different when I was an adult. I dreamed of having my own family. I wanted to wake up next to my husband every morning and have our kids come running into the room and jump in bed with us. I wanted my brothers to be annoyingly overprotective uncles. I wanted… I wanted to be wanted." Lex began rubbing his free hand over the table. "But the men came and went. Other things did too. Jobs, friends… there was only one constant in my life."
"Your brothers."
Lex nodded. "After my video game business took off, my social life became a lot more active. I know you don't like hearing about other men—"
"I don't," I admitted. "But I need to hear this."
"I started dating guys who were very different from the few I’d been with when I was younger. Good-looking, educated men with aspirations. I tried just enjoying dating someone new each night, but I'm not wired that way. I never was. I didn't know how to meet a man who'd want the same things as me. The ones who said they did turned out to only be interested in my money or in getting their fifteen minutes in the spotlight. And then came Grady."
Foreseen: Lex (The Four Book 2) Page 23
