But that wasn't the issue now. The issue was Nick, and what they no longer had a right to.
“Cassie, I love you,” Nick said urgently as he held her in his arms again, but this time he didn't kiss her. “I always have, I always will. I didn't want to ruin your life, but I never thought you'd do anything this stupid… I thought you'd wind up with Billy.” She laughed at the idea, and sat down next to him on the log again, thinking about the mess she'd created. She was in love with two men… or maybe only one… but she was obsessed with one, and married to another.
“Being married to Billy would have been like marrying Chris,” she laughed sadly.
“And being married to him?” he asked in a choked voice. He wanted to know now.
“He's very serious,” she sighed, “everything he does is for the tour right now. I think he's doing it for me. I don't know, Nick… I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe I made a mistake. I just don't know.”
“Cancel the trip,” he said urgently. “Divorce him.” He was panicking. He would do anything. He would marry her if that was what she wanted. But every fiber of his being told him she was in danger.
“I can't do that, Nick,” she said honorably. “It wouldn't be fair. He married me in good faith. I can't walk out on him. I owe him too much now. He's got so much riding on this tour, he's invested so much in it, not just the plane…” It didn't bear thinking about.
“You're not ready for it.”
But she was. And she knew it. “Yes, I am.”
“You don't love him.” He looked suddenly so young and so vulnerable. She wished she had waited for him, hut she hadn't.
“I'm not in love with him. I never was. He knew that. I told him about you, and he accepted it. But I do love him. He's been too good to me for me not to love him. I can't let him down now, Nick.”
“And afterward? Then what? You're stuck with him forever?”
“I don't know, Nick. There are no easy answers.”
“They're as easy as you want them to be,” he said stubbornly.
“That's what I said to you two years ago, Nick, before you left. And you didn't listen to me either.”
“Sometimes things seem more complicated than they are. We make them that way, but we don't have to,” he said wisely.
“I married him, Nick, for better or worse. Whether I loved you or not. I can't abandon him, just because you say so.”
“Maybe not,” Nick said tersely, “but he'll abandon you one day, emotionally if not otherwise, when this is over. It's all for publicity. You'll see, Cass. I know it.”
“Maybe. But until then, I owe him something. And I'm not going to break my word, or betray him. He is my husband. He deserves better than the two of us defiling him. I won't do it.”
He looked at her for a long time, and then seemed to sag as the force of her words hit him. “You're a good girl, Cass. He's a lucky man. I guess I've been a fool all along. I thought I was too old for you… and too poor… and too foolish. I was part right anyway.” And then he couldn't resist a cheap shot, “How does it feel to be married to one of the richest men in the world?”
“No different than being married to you would have been,” she came back at him quickly. “You're both spoiled boys who want everything your own way. Maybe all men are like that, rich or poor,” she said, meeting his gaze, and he laughed at her. She hadn't lost her spirit.
“Touché. I wish I could be happy for you, Cass, but I'm not.”
“Try. We don't have any other choice.” She had to live up to the choice she'd made. For all their sakes. She was an honorable woman. He nodded then, and eventually they walked back slowly, holding hands in the starlit night and talking. He realized more than ever what a fool he'd been, but he had made his decisions for her, and look what had happened. Her father had been right. He had set her free, and she had married someone else. But Desmond Williams… he hated everything he knew about him. And he was convinced to his bones that he was using Cassie. And she was much too young and innocent to know it. He was forty years old and he could read Desmond like the front page of the New York Times. And so far, Nick didn't like the headlines.
Cassie said good night to him on the front porch, and they didn't kiss again. And it was only after she had gone inside that Nick saw his old friend, quietly sitting in a chair and watching.
“Keeping an eye on me, Ace?” Nick asked with a tired grin, and sat down in a chair near him.
“I am. I told Cassie months ago I'll not have her defiling her marriage.”
“She's not going to. She's a good girl. And I'm a fool. You were right, Pat.”
“I was afraid I would be.” And then, in the partnership among men, he was honest with his old friend, the boy who had been his protégé in another war, a quarter of a century before. “The worst of it for her is that she still loves you. You can see it. Is she happy with him?” Pat asked him conspiratorially.
“I don't think so. But she thinks she owes him everything.”
“She owes him a lot, Nick. There's no denying it.”
“And if she gets hurt?” Nick didn't want to say “killed” to her father. But it could happen, and they knew it. “What do we owe him then?”
“It's the risk we all take, Nick. You know it. She knows what she wants and she knows what she's doing. The only thing she's not sure about is you.”
“Neither am I. I still wouldn't have married her by now. I didn't want to leave her a widow.” He laughed emptily then. “I thought I was too old for her, but hell, he's almost as old as I am.”
“We're all fools. I almost didn't marry Oona thirty-two years ago. I thought she was too good for me, and my mother told me I was crazy. She told me to go for the brass ring. I was right. She is too good for me… but I love the girl… to this day, I've never regretted a single day of our marriage.” It was more than he had ever said to her, and the advice was too late for Nick. For now anyway. But if Nick was right about Desmond tossing Cassie aside, maybe she'd be free again someday. It was hard to say now.
They sat on the porch together and talked for a long time, and Nick noticed when they stood up that Pat was a little breathless. That was something new for him, and Nick didn't like it.
“You been sick, Ace?”
“Ahh… nothing much… a little influenza, a little cough… I'm getting too fat, Oona's cooking's too good. I get breathless sometimes. It's nothing.”
“Take it easy,” Nick said with a worried frown.
“Tell yourself,” Fat laughed at him, “shooting Jerries all day. I'd say you've got a lot more to worry about than I do.”
Nick nodded, grateful for the things Pat had said to him about Cassie. “Good night, Ace. See you tomorrow.”
Nick walked all the way back to his shack, and everything in it was dusty. He hadn't been home in a year, but it felt good to be there. Everything felt good to him, except the fact that Cassie was married. He still couldn't believe it. He lay in his familiar bed that night, aching for her, unable to believe that she belonged to someone else now… that sweet face… the little girl he had loved so much was no longer his, and never would be again. She was Desmond's. And as he fell asleep that night, the tears rolled slowly from his eyes and into his pillow.
17
The weekend at home turned out to be difficult for both of them. Cassie made every effort to stay away from Nick, but their world was too small. And they kept running into each other everywhere, at the house, at the airport, even at the grocery store when she did some shopping for her mother. And he tried to be respectful of her, for her sake, if not for Desmond, but it was impossible. They wound up in each other's arms again the night before she left. It was the night of her twenty-second birthday. He'd had dinner with her and her family. And all through the meal, they were inexorably drawn to each other like magnets. They knew it was their last night to see each other, and there might never be another chance again. The very thought of that made them panic.
“We can't do this, Nick,”
she said after kissing him longingly. “I promised Dad I wouldn't. And I can't do it for me… or to Desmond.” And the way the press followed her around, all she needed was a scandal. They had tried to get pictures of everyone at the airport today, but Nick had disappeared discreetly into his shack until the photographers left and then he emerged again, and she was grateful. She knew that Desmond would have been very upset to see Nick in the pictures. She hadn't told him Nick was home when she called him.
“I know, Cassie… I know.” Nick didn't argue with her. He didn't want to hurt her. They sat on the porch and talked. Her parents had gone to bed an hour before but they hadn't said anything when Nick had stayed to talk to Cassie. She was leaving the next day and it was their last chance to be together.
“Are you sure you're ready for the tour? Billy says your plane is heavy as hell.”
“I can handle it.”
He didn't argue with her about it this time. “Is your route safe?”
“It better be. Desmond works on it every night until midnight.”
‘That must be fun for you,” he said smartly, and then he smiled at her ruefully. “Damn fool. You could have had Bobby Strong and be selling onions, and what do you do? You marry the biggest tycoon in the country. Can't you do anything right, Cass?” he teased and she laughed. There was nothing laughable about it, but if they didn't laugh, they'd cry. Just in the few days that they'd both been in town, it was obvious to both of them that they were cursed with loving each other forever. Each time they met, or looked into each other's eyes, the power of what they felt for each other brought them closer. There was no escaping it. And Cassie realized now that it wasn't something time would change. She and Nick were part of each other. They always would be. There was no denying it anymore. She had never loved Nick more, and now she had to live with the agony of loving Nick and not wanting to betray Desmond.
But on this last night, they both knew this was their only chance to be together, and perhaps their last one. He was returning to the war to risk his life again, and she was taking every chance possible, flying across the Pacific. It was too late for games, or even anger anymore. They just had to live with what they'd done. They had both been foolish, and they knew it.
“What are we going to do, Cass?” he asked unhappily, as they looked at a full moon in a starry sky. It was a perfect night to be in love, but their story was no longer simple. They both longed for the early days when they had spent hours together at the deserted airstrip. They could have done anything then. And instead, they had made such stupid choices, he to fight another war, and she to marry a man she cared for, but didn't love. She knew only too well that despite all her loyalty to Desmond, Nick was the only man she loved or ever would. Maybe one day it would change, but it hadn't yet, and she didn't think it would for a long time, if ever. She'd been kidding herself when she married Desmond, and now that she saw Nick again, she knew it.
“I wish I were going back to England with you,” she said sadly.
“So do I. There are no women flying in combat over there. Not yet anyway, but the limeys are pretty open-minded.”
“Maybe I should run away and join the RAF,” she said, only half serious. She couldn't see how she was going to live her life now. In a way, she was grateful for the tour. At least it would keep her busy, and away from Desmond.
“Maybe I never should have gone in the first place,” he said, surprising her totally. And listening to him worried her. If he lost heart now, he could get hurt. She had heard too many stories like that, of men who lost their girlfriends or their wives, and then got killed in action.
‘It's too late to say that now,” she scolded him, “you'd better pay attention to what you're doing.”
“Look who's talking,” he laughed, thinking of what she was facing in barely more than a month. The thought of her tour still worried him sick, as he invited her to take a walk with him, and they walked slowly from her parents’ house toward the airport. It just seemed to act like a magnet for them. He told her what England was like for him, and she told him about the tour, and their route across the Pacific.
“It's a damn shame the war won't let you do a proper one. I'd feel better than with those long stretches across the Pacific.” But that was where the glory was right now, and they both knew that.
They were at the airport while they talked of it, and almost without thinking, they wandered toward the old Jenny. It was a warm night, and the moon was so bright, they could see easily across the airport.
“Want to go for a ride?” he asked hesitantly. She had a right to tell him to go to hell, but they both knew she didn't want to. She wanted to be alone with him for a while, and forget her other life, and the fact that they had to leave each other again tomorrow. This time maybe forever.
“I'd like that,” she said softly. And without another word, she helped him push the plane out, and do their ground check. They sailed into the midnight sky easily, with all the familiar sounds and feelings. But there was something different about doing it at night. They were in their own world up there, a world full of stars and dreams, where no one else could touch or hurt them.
He hesitated only briefly at the old airstrip where they used to meet, and brought the little plane down easily in the moonlight. And then he shut the engine off, and helped Cassie from the plane. They had no idea where they were going, they just knew they needed to be together now, in their own world, away from everyone. And here it was so peaceful. Without thinking, they both wandered toward the place where they used to sit and talk for hours. She felt so much older now, and so much sadder. Her brother was gone, and she had lost all hope of being Nick's now. It was here that he had kissed her for the first time, and told her he loved her. It was the day he had told her he was joining the RAF. And they'd been making bad decisions ever since then.
“Don't you wish you could turn the clock back sometimes?” she asked, looking up at him as he watched her sadly.
“What would you do differently, Cass? Then, I mean?”
“I'd have told you how much I loved you a long time ago. I never thought you'd care because I was just a kid. I thought you'd laugh at me.” She looked beautiful as he watched her standing beside him.
“I thought your father would have me arrested.” It was strange to realize now that Fat wouldn't have disapproved of him, and they had loved each other for so long. And now she was married to someone else, it was all so crazy.
“My father might have you arrested now,” she smiled, “but not then, I guess.” But she wasn't even sure he'd object now. He knew how much they loved each other, even though this was exactly what he had told her he didn't want her doing. But he had softened so much over the years. He was her closest friend now. Especially now that Nick was gone. Her father had been surprisingly understanding about everything she'd done. It still surprised her.
They walked over to their old familiar log, and the grass was damp. Nick took the old flight jacket off, and let her sit on it, and then he sat down beside her and took her in his arms and kissed her. They both knew why they had come here. They were grown-ups now. They didn't need permission, or have to tell lies. Not tonight at least. They were here because they loved each other, and needed something to take away with them.
“I don't want to do anything dumb,” he said as she nestled close to him, and he worried about her. It was the same worry he had had about her when he left for England. But things were just different enough now to warrant the risk, and in an odd way, this time he almost hoped he'd leave her pregnant. Maybe then she'd have to leave Desmond.
And as she lay down beside him, and felt his powerful arms around her, as he kissed her, she wished the same thing. But within moments, their future paled in comparison to their present. She felt hot flames shoot through her as they kissed, and within minutes, her silvery flesh shimmered next to his in the moonlight. It was a night that neither of them would ever forget, and they both knew it would have to sustain them for years, maybe forever.
“I was a fool too,” she whispered sleepily, but right now she didn't care, as long as she could lie in his arms and be near him. This was all she wanted. For this one moment in time, this was all that mattered.
“Maybe one of these days, well both get smart… or lucky,” he said, but he doubted it. It was all too complicated now. All they had was this. Tonight. In the silver moonlight.
They lay side by side for a long time, and they made love again just before sunrise. They had both fallen asleep, and awoke in each other's arms, aching for each other in the balmy morning. The sun came up, smiling down at them, and this time he watched her graceful limbs kissed not by silver, but by the golden light of sunrise. And afterward, they held each other close for a long time, wishing they could stay there forever.
When they flew back to her father's airport, the sky was streaked with pink and gold and mauve, and they both looked peaceful as they tied down the Jenny. She turned to him then with a long, slow smile. She didn't regret anything they'd done. This was their destiny.
“I love you, Nick,” she said happily.
“I'll always love you,” he answered, and then he walked her back to her parents’ house. They belonged to each other now. Theirs was a bond that could not be broken.
Her parents’ house was quiet as they stood outside. It was still early, and no one was up as Nick held her in his arms, and stroked her hair, trying not to think of the future, or Desmond Williams. They stood there for a long time, not wanting to leave each other as he kissed her again, and she told him again and again how much she loved him.
Wings Page 30
