by Susan Soares
***
We’d dropped the dogs off at Casper’s place—I’d stopped at home super quick to change from my jeans to the white Capri pants—and walked back to Perked since that was where Devin’s car was parked. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going. For a brief moment, I thought about how it probably wasn’t smart heading off to an unknown destination with a guy I barely knew. But something about Devin felt so safe. Like when you’re little and just learning how to swim, and your parents are holding onto you and you feel like nothing could hurt you. That’s how it felt with him. I hadn’t felt that safe in a long time, and I didn’t want the feeling to go away. I didn’t want him to go away. The last person I’d felt safe with was Haley. Never for a moment had I ever thought that she might leave me one day. We were each other’s best friends. And best friends don’t leave. Best friends don’t die. Especially when you don’t know how to heal without them.
Through the window, I could smell the ocean. I’d been spending most of the drive looking at Devin’s profile. My eyes studied his sharp jawline, his strong, straight nose, his short-lashed green eyes focused sharply on the road. When I looked out the window, I saw the soft sand of Hodgekin’s Beach.
“Do you feel like a picnic?” he asked after popping the trunk and waving his hands towards a picnic basket.
I laughed. “What would you do if I said no?”
He took my hand in his. “I’d ask you where you’d like to go.”
Flares shot off in my body from my toes all the way up to the top of my head. A fusion of heat and electricity warmed every part of me. He kept hold of my hand and grabbed the basket with the other. Then we walked to a quiet spot on the beach set back from the ocean.
“So is it less awkward now to ask about you being a hero?” I’d been thinking of a way to bring it up for almost twenty minutes. Since finding out Devin was a veteran at our pancake breakfast the other day, I’d been super curious but worried to ask since it seemed to make him uncomfortable.
He turned his face from me and stared out to the ocean. “As long as you don’t keep saying the word hero.”
My hands crumbled the last bit of a wheat roll I had in my hand. “Scout’s honor, I won’t.” I held up three fingers in the air to give my best scout salute. “So.” I picked up a pile of grapes to have something to fiddle with. “What branch of the military again?”
“Army.”
“Did you like it?” What a stupid question. Does anyone come back from war and say they liked it? Idiot. I popped two grapes in my mouth and hoped that the time it took me to chew them would spark something more intelligent for me to say.
A side smile lifted his lips. “I think I was expecting something different.”
“What do you mean?”
After taking in a large breath, he paused and seemed lost in thought. “I was just really naive. I mean, I enlisted right out of high school. And that was mostly because my mom was hassling me about college, and I really had no clue where I wanted to go or even if I wanted to go. So after a recruiter came to the school and gave me the low down on the Army, it sounded like a good plan at the time. And if I decided to go to school after I was done, the Army would help pay for it.” He took a napkin and began twisting it in his hands. “I just never thought that I’d be sent off to war.” He stopped and looked at me. His eyes seemed far off. “I mean war, you know? I went through boot camp, had my nineteenth birthday, and then got shipped out to war.” His gaze returned back to the ocean. “I had no clue what the hell I was in for. What the hell I’d see there.” He took a minute to look down and shake his head. “I didn’t have a real understanding of things I’d have to do.”
“How long were you there for?” I was afraid to ask but for some reason I needed to know.
“Nine months.” His voice was hollow. “After that, I stayed back on the base for six months, and then my brigade got sent back to fight again for another nine months.” There was defeat in his voice. He seemed lost in thought, and I wondered if scenes and images were playing out in his head as the silence dragged on for some time.
“Wow. Well I just want to say thank you, you know, for serving.” I’d been told since I was little to always thank a soldier. Plus, I had no idea what else to say.
He looked at me again, eyes almost glassy. “The thing is, I had no idea I’d be sent over there.” He held my eyes for a moment then looked away. “The shit that stays with you after that is just…I don’t want to get into it. Not here. Not now.” Without looking at me, he took my hand in his. “Not when I’d rather be focusing on one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met in my life.”
Again, the flares shot off inside me. This time with a side of firecrackers. When he tilted his head up and leaned closer to me, I instinctively drew myself to him. To his waiting mouth. When my lips touched his, the warmth from his entire body radiated through me. He kissed my top lip, then my bottom lip, then devoured both my lips with his. When his mouth parted, I was the first to slip my tongue inside and I flicked and tasted his sweetness. His hands cupped my face and I wanted to melt.
After a trio of soft kisses, we separated. “You’re a really good kisser,” he said before planting another trio of soft kisses on my lips.
“Thanks,” I said returning the kisses. No way would I tell him I used to practice on melons when I was a freshman in high school!
He traced a line across my chin. “You’re not afraid of heights are you?”
The question set me back. “Not that I’m aware of,” I replied raising an eyebrow at him.
“Great. Grab your stuff.” He stood and held out a hand to help me up. “Because your future is now.”
Intrigued, I grabbed my things and helped him clean up the food all the while wondering if I really was afraid of heights now that he mentioned it.
After dropping off the stuff at the car, Devin took my hand and we walked along the boardwalk. The air was filled with the scent of salt water and seafood. We passed the homemade fudge shop and my mouth began to water. He continued to guide me straight ahead, and I realized where we were headed. The sounds of laughter and chaos along with the scent of fried dough was enough to clue me in. That and the giant Ferris wheel shimmering in front of me let me know we’d arrived at the fair. It was an annual event at Hodgekin’s Beach. The Ferris wheel was also boasted as being one of the largest in the east coast. My stomach flip-flopped as we walked closer to it.
“This is pretty much the only ride I go on here,” Devin said as he paid for our tickets. “Are you ready?” he asked when we got to the front of the line.
I’d never been on a Ferris wheel. My dad wasn’t into amusement parks when I was growing up. As I looked up high into the sky and watched the wheel slowly turn as people kicked their legs in the swinging bucket seats, my stomach churned. But then I looked at Devin, whose eyes were bright with excitement like a child on Christmas morning. Instead of running away to find a bucket to vomit into I said, “Totally ready!” with as much anxious enthusiasm as I could.
His eyes shone with amusement as we moved into the passenger car. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it had a big seatbelt, which Devin used to secure us in tightly. My body moved as close as possible to his, and my hands gripped onto the safety bar in front of us. “Here we go,” he said as the wheel started to rotate.
The tinny sound of carnival music was piping all around us as we ascended towards the sky. I wondered if Devin could see how quickly my chest rose and fell, as my breath became short and quick with each slight elevation. But when I looked at him, I saw he was looking towards the sky. His lips curved into a content smile.
I don’t know how long I stared at him when suddenly the car stopped. As I looked around, I realized we were at the dead center of the highest point of the wheel.
“Now this is paradise,” Devin said, waving out to the vast openness around us. The ocean was before us and the sun was beginning to set.
It would have been the most romantic moment I�
��d ever had if my body hadn’t decided to pick that moment to freak out. My hands began to itch so I removed them from the safety bar and began scratching like crazy. Then I realized I wasn’t holding onto anything and I jetted my hands back to the bar for safety. My legs began to quake and I tried to plant my feet firmer into the bottom of the car in an effort to stop them, but it was no use. My feet were so compressed that they began to get pins and needles.
“I could stay here forever.” Devin breathed out a content sigh before he looked over at me. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He wrapped his arm around me. “Mallory? Is it too high?”
“I’m…just…kind…of…freaking…out…th-that’s all.” I looked out towards the openness that surrounded me and took my breath away, but in a bad way.
Devin gently moved my face so I was looking at him. “Okay listen, I want you to close your eyes.”
“Can’t…too scared.” I didn’t know if the words had even left my body.
“Yes, you can. I’m right here. He took one of my hands off the safety bar and squeezed it tightly. “I want you to close your eyes and know I’m right here.”
I locked eyes with him for a moment, and something about how sure he was made me feel like I could do it. So I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering.
“Good. Okay, so this one time when I was a kid, I was determined to stay up all night and wait for Santa Claus, right? Everybody tries that at least one time in their lives, right?”
“Um-hum,” I said as I squeezed his warm hand.
“Right, so I set up my sleeping bag on the floor near the fireplace. I made sure there was enough room for him to get in and everything, but I was going to be in direct contact with him no matter what. I had a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a big cup of whole milk—my mom made me drink one percent milk, but for Santa, I insisted he needed whole milk. So anyway, I don’t know what time I fell asleep, probably like five minutes after I lay down, but when I woke up in the morning, there were all these sooty boot prints that came from the fireplace, around where I was, all the way to the tree and then back again. You still with me?”
I nodded and released the grip of my teeth from my bottom lip.
“I don’t know what time it was, really early in the morning, but so I go to wake up my mom and show her, right. And when I take her downstairs, she’s pissed at the soot and says to me to go and look at my stocking, that she’ll be back in a minute, and she runs upstairs. Well, I thought she was going to go tell my dad about Santa and the boot prints, so I followed her, and when I get to their room, I hear her yelling at my dad. Asking him how the hell could he track soot all over the house, and he says he did it for the kid. So I’m totally flipping out now because I think my dad is Santa, not pretending to be Santa, but he is Santa. Doing okay?”
I nodded again, and the feeling of taking a normal breath slowly returned to my lungs.
“So I go up to him and ask him how long he’s been Santa Claus, and without missing a beat he says, ‘for about a year now, but thanks to your mother, I now know I need to take my boots off when I enter the house.’ And for like the next six years, he signed all my birthday cards, love Dad secret S.C.”
It was one of the sweetest stories I’d ever heard. Part of me wanted to open my eyes, but I was still scared. “Hey lady, you better get off unless you wanna pay to go around again,” a male voice said, and when I opened my eyes I realized we were at the bottom of the wheel.
“No, I think she’s good,” Devin said while helping me stand and exit the car. He wrapped an arm around my waist and escorted me over to a nearby railing. “Everything okay now?” he asked while stroking my back.
I turned to him and said, “You saved me.”
He shrugged. “Not really. But I do need to talk to you about something now though.” His face went serious.
My heart leapt to my throat. “What?” He never wanted to see me again probably. What a freak I was.
“Well I was going to ask you if you wanted to go bungee jumping for our next date, but now I’m thinking that’s out.” A wry smile lit his lips.
I punched him lightly in the stomach then launched my mouth onto his lips. His hands went to my lower back and he pulled my body into his. The only way I’d jump off a cliff would be if it was into his arms, because to me, that felt like the safest place on earth.
CHAPTER SIX
My whole body was drawn to a halt when I saw him standing in front of my apartment door. “Dad? What are you doing here?” The grocery bag in my hand began to slip as my fingers went numb. The last time my dad was at my apartment was the weekend he helped me move in, eight months ago.
“It’s been a week. I’ve called you every day only to get that damn ‘voice mailbox full’ message. You don’t return my texts—hell, maybe I’m sending them wrong—but either way, you don’t return them, and apparently you don’t check your house phone messages either.” He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, which always made him seem bigger and scarier than he really was.
In an effort to appear tough and unfazed, I brushed past him and unlocked the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
He followed me into the apartment and shut the door behind him. “Don’t play this crap with me, kiddo. You can’t avoid me, and you can’t avoid Janet, and you can’t avoid this situation no matter how hard you try.”
Peaches spilled onto the counter where I slammed the bag down. “Why not? Why do I have to be involved in this at all? I mean really, Dad, tell me why it even matters? What does it matter that I’m pissed about the whole thing when you don’t even care?” An apple rolled off the counter and landed by my feet.
“Of course I care. I care a lot about how you feel.”
I raked my hands through my hair. “I don’t mean me, Dad. I mean the baby you’ve made with Janet. The baby that no one seems to care about. The baby that deserves to not have to deal with the insanity that you and Janet are going to perpetrate on it!” I was shouting. I wasn’t even sure why, but I was.
He softened his tone and sat on a stool across from where I stood. “Mallory, honey, I do care about this baby, and Janet and I are committed to raising it and seeing this whole thing through. Honestly, it’s a commitment that we’re both on board with.”
“What about the commitment of your marriage?” Oops. I could tell by the vein that began to throb in his forehead that I’d overstepped my bounds.
He stood, and I watched him stretch his hands in and out of fists. “I know that you thought Janet was going to be the one. Hell, I did too, and that’s why I married her. But I think the best thing to come out of that marriage is the relationship between you and Fiona. You were meant to be sisters. Isn’t that the takeaway here?”
“You promised.” My bottom lip jetted out. “You promised she’d be the one.” My inner ten-year-old came out again.
He moved over to me, and I squirreled back. “Mallory, I’m so sorry that I promised you that Janet and I would be together forever. That was stupid of me. I wanted that promise to be true. And I’m sorry that I suck at marriage. But I do. I don’t know why, but I do. Janet and I both really thought that it was going to be forever for us. All said and done, we get along great.” He moved closer again, and this time, I let him. “And we’re happy about this baby. I mean even though it wasn’t planned, maybe this was how it was supposed to go.” He put an arm around me. “Come on, tell me you’re not excited about having a little sibling.”
A tiny smile escaped me. “Well, yeah…I just wish—”
“Honey, for now, let’s leave it at that, okay?”
I nodded. He pulled me into a hug, and I let myself relax. Maybe this wasn’t the fairy tale family I’d dreamt of for forever, but it was still family.
***
Devin and I went on the classic Friday night dinner and movie date. Except we reversed it, movie first and then dinner so we could talk about it over the meal. In the theater, we sat in the back row near the exit. Devin s
aid he liked being far away from the screen, but something inside me told me there was another reason. I’d thought maybe he wanted to sit back there so we could make out, but he never made a move. And when I tried to advance on him, he gave me some polite kisses and then returned his attention to the horrible rehashed comedy they were trying to pass off on the screen as new and inventive.
“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked as Devin sat on the couch at my place after dinner. I’d never been jealous of a couch before, but looking at the way the couch molded around him, I suddenly was.
“Anything’s cool,” he said.
I placed two sodas on the coffee table along with a bag of pretzels. “So, that was some movie,” I said.
“Yeah. Really top notch.” He ran his hand through my hair and brushed the side of my cheek with his fingertips. “They should totally make a sequel.” His mouth moved closer to mine.
“Totally, I’m dying to know if those dudes ever get their car back.” I kept my mouth an inch away from his feeling the warmth of his breath on my lips.
“The car filled with pizzas that they drove into the lake?” He kept his ground; lips not moving a millimeter.
I licked my lips. “Yeah, I mean what a waste. I want to know what happened to all the pizzas. I mean did they get reimbursed for them or what?” My brain fought with my body, and I moved forward just a touch.
“Nothing hotter than pizza.”
“Nothing.” His breath hit my lips again, and a surge ran through me, and I broke the gap and landed on his lips. Immediately, his hands were roaming through my hair, gliding down my neck, stroking my back and teasing my breasts. There was no way to hide my hard nipples. Just like he couldn’t hide his excitement. As I crawled on top of him, pushing him back onto the couch, I could feel all of him pressing against my lower body. His tongue swirled with mine, and he tasted so sweet and warm. His hand squeezed my ass, and I pushed my pelvis into him, and he let out a quiet moan.
