by Susan Lewis
She sat down in front of the mirror and began to cleanse the make-up from her face. Every time a car pulled up outside she tensed, waiting for her bell to ring, but it didn’t.
She looked at the cane, standing innocently in the corner, and felt a sudden surge of anger. Like a dog, too eager to please its sadistic master, she had told him he could use it again, and then he hadn’t even bothered to ring her. She was tempted to break it to pieces and send it to him, but she was afraid of making him angry.
But sooner or later she would see him again, of that she was certain. She laid her hand on her tummy, and smiled at her reflection. She was sure that Joel would enjoy being a father, once he got used to the idea.
Ashley shrieked and covered her face just a second too late as a snowball came flying through the air and caught her full in the face.
“Oh, just you wait,” she cried, and scooping up a pile of snow, she started after him.
“You’ll have to run faster than that,” Keith shouted, as he dodged behind a tree. Then he gave a sudden yell as Alex popped up behind him and tossed a snowball into his face.
“That was cheating,” Keith laughed, wiping the snow from his eyes. “Come here!”
But Alex ran off before his father could catch him.
“Hey!” Ashley yelled.
Keith turned round, and was caught again.
“This isn’t fair,” he complained, wiping the snow away again. “Two against one isn’t allowed.”
“Yes it is,” said Alex. “You’re bigger than us.”
“Exactly,” said Ashley, as she aimed another snowball, and missed.
“Right, you’ve asked for it now.” Keith tried to stock up on his ammunition and at the same time shake off Caesar who was getting far too excited on behalf of the opposition.
Ashley and Alex were quickly stocking up on their own line, and then the battle was on.
“Got you!” Alex shouted, as one of Ashley’s snowballs hit Keith on the back. “And again!” he yelled, as she threw another.
With so many snowballs raining down on him, Keith hardly had a chance to aim any himself. But Ashley and Alex ran out of ammunition far too quickly, and they had no alternative but to resort to their only other means of defence; they ran away. Seizing his opportunity, Keith went in pursuit. He caught Ashley round the neck, and jammed a snowball inside her jacket.
“Oh no!” she gasped, as the snow began to melt against her skin. “That’s not fair.”
Alex was jumping up and down in delight. “Got you, Mum!”
Ashley looked down at him. “Just whose side are you on?” She picked up a handful of snow and threw it at him.
“Come on, Alex,” Keith shouted as she ran off. “After her!”
Ashley was laughing so much that she didn’t get far before they caught her again.
“No,” she yelled, as Keith picked up more snow. “No!”
“Go on, Dad!”
Caesar was barking, and running in and out of the trees delightedly.
Keith held onto Ashley and looked into her face, a ball of ice-cold, sparkling white snow in his hand.
“No,” she laughed, “No, don’t you dare.”
Slowly he brought his hand towards her, and she tried to bury her face in his shoulder. She was too late.
“OK, OK,” she spluttered, wiping the snow from her eyes, “I admit defeat.”
“Did you hear that, Alex?” Keith cried. “We’ve won!”
“Hooray,” Alex shouted, jumping for joy.
Keith turned to Ashley. “Do you want to go back? Dry off?”
“Oh no!” Alex groaned.
“No, I think I’ll survive. No thanks to you,” Ashley added, looking at Alex. “Come on, let’s walk on to the stream, see if it’s frozen over.”
Alex whooped with delight and Keith picked him up and swung him round. Alex gave his father a big hug, then called out to Caesar and ran on ahead, sticking out his arms pretending to be an aeroplane.
“You sure you’re all right?” Keith said, turning back to Ashley.
“Sure. Just a bit damp.”
He laughed, and put an arm across her shoulders.
It had been a surprise to wake up this morning and find that it had been snowing, so well into spring. None of them minded. She had always enjoyed walking in the woods when everything was covered with snow. It gave her a romantic sort of feeling, as if she were walking into a Christmas card.
They stopped at a bench and sat down to watch Alex and Caesar playing on the frozen stream. Caesar was slipping and sliding all over the place, not knowing what to make of this at all.
“Come on!” Alex called out to them. “It’s great!”
“Your mother can’t skate. She doesn’t know how.”
Ashley looked at him. “Who says?”
“I do,” he said, the challenge in his eyes.
“Then just you watch,” and she started to climb down over the bank. She gave a loud yell as suddenly the snow gave way beneath her, and she slid the rest of the way, ending up sitting on the ice at the bottom.
“I take it back,” said Keith, when he had managed to control his mirth. “That was quite some performance.”
Ashley threw a snowball at him again, and missed.
“Why don’t you give up?” said Keith. “Apart from anything else you’re too old.”
“Just you wait till I get back up there. I’m going to think of something mean and nasty, and very slow, to do to you.”
“Can’t wait,” he grinned, as she struggled up the bank. At last she made it, and flopped down on the bench beside him.
It began to snow, only a light fall, and everything around them looked so beautiful, and peaceful, reminding her of the little paperweights she used to buy for her mother when she was a child.
Keith was stroking her arm, and she leaned against him. It felt so good to be with him. Each time she saw him with Alex these days, it brought a lump to her throat. There was little doubt that Keith really did love his son, and that Alex loved his father. They were like friends sometimes, rather than father and son, and it seemed to give them both so much pleasure when she joined them on their days out together. And she had to admit, she enjoyed it too. It felt right.
“What are you thinking about?” said Keith.
“Oh, nothing.”
“Were you thinking about him?”
She looked up into Keith’s face, and saw the sadness in his eyes.
She shook her head. “No, I wasn’t thinking about him.”
“How have things been there?”
“At the office? OK, I suppose.”
“Do you see much of him?”
“No more than I used to. At work,” she added.
“Do you still think about him?”
“Not really,” she lied. “What’s the point?”
Keith shrugged. “None, I suppose, unless you still love him.”
She looked away.
“Do you?”
Ashley held her breath. She had dreaded Keith asking her that question. She didn’t want to lie to him; perverse as it might seem, she felt it would be disloyal to Julian if she denied it, but neither did she want to hurt Keith. The truth was, that these last couple of months had been hell. She had told herself that things would get easier, and sometimes she believed that they would. But then she would see him walking into his office, or chatting with someone as he walked along the corridor, and she would know that she loved him now as much as she had ever loved him. If only things were as simple as they were in a book. A few pages, maybe only a few lines, and it would all be over and onto the next. But life wasn’t like that. Rejection and heartbreak were real, and they didn’t go away, not for a very long time.
“Alex, stop that!” Keith shouted. Ashley looked up to see that Alex had picked Caesar up by his front paws, and was dancing him around on the ice.
“He likes it,” said Alex.
“He doesn’t. You’re hurting him, now let him go.”
Keith stood up. “Alex,” he warned, “you heard what I said.”
“But Dad, he likes it, look.”
“Let him go. Now! I won’t tell you again.”
“He likes it, doesn’t he Mum?” said Alex, turning to Ashley for support.
“Alex,” Keith said, sounding very stern to a little boy’s ears.
Reluctantly Alex let go of Caesar’s paws, and Caesar went running off into the woods, clearly glad to be free.
“Now come here.”
Alex made no move towards Keith. Ashley watched, her heart going out to her son as he looked at his father with big, round eyes.
“I’m waiting.” Keith held out his hand to pull Alex up from the stream.
“Now,” said Keith, when Alex was standing in front of him. “You must understand that Caesar is only a puppy, and if you’re hurting him he can’t tell you. He loves you too much to bite you, so he will let you go on hurting him. You don’t want that, do you?”
Alex shook his head.
“Now call him, and you can say sorry to him.”
Alex turned away, a little sulkily, and called out for Caesar. The little dog bounded up, carrying a stick in his mouth. Taking it from him, Alex ran off into the woods with it.
Keith sat down again, and put his arm back where it had been before. His face was still stern, and Ashley laughed. “You’re not going to tell me off too, are you?”
“No,” he said. “But I ought to. You’re too soft with him sometimes.”
“Don’t blame me. You jumped in before I did, that’s all.”
“But you can’t deny he needs a father,” said Keith.
“He’s got one,” Ashley countered.
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”
The silence stretched between them, until taking her gently by the chin he turned her to face him. “So what do you say. Ash?”
“What about?”
“Being together again, as a family.”
She looked down at her hands, and started to straighten her gloves. She couldn’t deny that she wanted it too. But she just didn’t love Keith – at least not in the way she loved Julian. But then she thought of all the lonely nights she spent now, longing for someone to put their arms round her, and tell her they loved her. And the longing to feel needed and important to someone. There was something missing from her life, and the emptiness and loneliness were becoming almost unbearable.
“Well?”
She looked up at the sky and sighed.
“It makes sense, Ashley, you know it does. We’ve been getting along so well these past months, and you know how I feel about you. Can’t we give it a try?”
“Oh Keith, I only wish things were that easy.”
“But we can’t go on like this for ever. We’re just wasting time.”
“I know,” she said, “but I feel so confused at the moment. I don’t want to lose you, I know that. But I just don’t know if we would be doing the right thing.”
“You’ll never know, unless you try.” He turned her to look at him again. “I love you. Ash. I love you more than anything else in the world.”
He lowered his head and touched her lips with his. She squeezed her eyes tightly, not wanting him to see the tears that were in them. If only she could stop thinking about Julian.
“Tell me there’s a chance,” he said, as she pressed her face into his shoulder. “Please, just tell me there’s a chance.”
When she didn’t answer he pulled away so that he could look into her eyes. She looked back at him, hating herself for wishing he was another man.
“Well?”
She smiled a tired smile, and there was the smallest suggestion of defeat in her eyes. “Give me a little more time, Keith. Please, just give me time,” and she got up from the bench and walked back into the woods.
He watched her go, and knew that it would not be long now before he would have his son back again.
SIXTEEN
Linda put the phone down after speaking to Violet. She glanced out of the window and noticed it was beginning to get dark outside. It was Friday afternoon and Bob would be arriving home any time now. Her heart skipped a beat. As the weeks had gone by, since the phone call from Maureen Woodley, she had become increasingly nervous at seeing her husband. Her weeks began with a feeling of relief that he had gone back to London and that nothing had been said over the weekend, only to build, sometimes almost into a frenzy of terror, that the coming weekend would see it all come to a head, and he would tell her he was leaving.
At first she had wanted to find out who the other woman was, but she didn’t. It was the coward in her that stopped her, a side to her nature that she had never known, until now, had existed. But she was afraid of what she would find. Perhaps fighting against the unknown was not the way to do it, but if she knew who the other woman was, and if she could see why Bob loved her, and if she was beautiful and sophisticated and intelligent, and moved so easily in his London circle, Linda was afraid she would feel ordinary and dull in comparison, and unable to compete.
Her suitcase was sitting on the floor beside the bed, packed and ready to go. Her coat was lying on top of it, so she picked it up and put it on. She wasn’t running away exactly, at least that’s what she told herself, but she couldn’t face him this weekend. She didn’t know how much longer she was going to be able to hold on. He knew that something was wrong, that she had changed, and he wanted to know why, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to tell him. The only way she seemed to be able to cope was to pretend that this wasn’t happening, or at the very least that it would all go away. But for now, she was going away. Not far, at least not far from the bosom of the family. She was going to stay with Violet for the weekend. Violet had flu, and Linda would give that as the reason for not being here when he got home.
She had tried to ring him earlier at the mews house, but there was no reply. She hadn’t really expected there to be, but it hurt nevertheless. She wondered if he would join her at his mother’s, or if he would stay here, in the farmhouse, alone. There was always the chance, of course, that he would return to London, to her, but she didn’t want to think about that.
She picked up the wedding photograph that they kept on the windowsill of their bedroom. They had been so much younger then, so much in love, and full of what life had to offer. He had bought her this house as a wedding gift, where she could keep her own horses, and train others. In those days she had had almost to fight with him to get him on the train back to London at the end of the weekend. And it was never a surprise to see him at home on Thursday instead of Friday. He had invited people to the house then. Writers, producers, actors, art directors, all sorts of people had come for the weekend. But now he did all his business in London, and it was seldom that they had anyone to stay. She wondered if it was her who had driven them away, and she started to cry. They had shared so much together, and now this other woman, whoever she was, was going to take it all away.
She touched his face in the photograph, and a tear splashed onto her fingers. “Please don’t let it be too late,” she whispered. “Please don’t go away.”
Robert Blackwell’s parties were renowned for their wild, sometimes ostentatious extravagance, outlandish style, and several unmentionable things besides. Everyone came to have a good time, and Robert Blackwell did everything humanly possible to ensure they got it. No expense was spared, no fantasy left unfulfilled.
Ellamarie turned the car from the country lane into the drive that twisted through the trees and up to the big house. Lights had been rigged along the route, and the field at the side of the house had been given over to a car park. As the house came into view, all four of them gasped.
“Will you look at that!” Ellamarie cried.
“Isn’t it romantic!” said Kate, clasping her hands together.
Ashley was sitting in the back with Jenneen, who had said very little during the journey
down and now seemed to have lost her tongue entirely. Ashley put her hand on her arm. “Are you all right, Jenn?”
Jenneen nodded and Ashley heard her swallow in the darkness.
A butler was waiting to greet them, very smart in his uniform of black tie and tails, and the austere, almost overpowering entrance hall was lined with footmen, who took their coats and overnight bags, then handed them champagne as they ushered them into the party.
“Wow!” said Joel, breaking free of the crowd and coming over to greet them. “You look terrific, all of you.”
Kate glowed as he put his arm round her and kissed her.
“How have you been?” he whispered.
“Fine. I’ve missed you though.”
“And I’ve missed you too. We’ll make up for it later, eh?”
She smiled into his eyes, and nodded. Just seeing him standing there made her knees turn to jelly. Any thought of Nicholas Gough, and letting him down yet again, was wiped from her mind.
Joel had rung her the night before to invite her to this party, and had insisted that she bring her friends along too. It had been the first time in weeks that she had heard from him – since the night of Jenneen’s dinner party, to be exact.
“Sorry I couldn’t bring you down myself,” he said. “But I’ve been here all day. There’s been so much to do, besides this party. Where’s Bob?” he added, looking past Kate to Ellamarie.
“Too much work,” Ellamarie answered, a little too quickly. She wasn’t about to tell him about the fight she had had with Bob because he had refused to come. But what she hadn’t known, because Bob had been unable to tell her, was that he couldn’t go to the party with her, as he had already been invited, with his wife. When he found out that Ellamarie was going, he heaved a sigh of relief that Linda had already sent their excuses.
