by Susan Lewis
He chuckled. “I was. But it doesn’t matter now.”
Suddenly she wanted to touch him. “Would you like some grapes?”
He looked at the fruit beside her bed.
“I know,” she said. “I’ve been seriously considering starting a winery when I get out of here. How are you at treading?”
“Terrific!”
“Then you’ve got a job. I was thinking of calling it Kate’s Carafes. What do you think?”
“I think I’m glad to see you.”
She blushed. “I look dreadful,” she said, running her fingers through her hair.
“Mmm, I must say I have seen you looking better.”
“Such chivalry.”
His face became serious. “How are you, really?”
She looked away, and her eyes began to fill with tears again.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve upset you. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No. No, I’m fine really. I have moments when it all seems so terrible that I think I can’t carry on, but they pass.”
“Have you seen him at all?”
She turned back to him. “Joel?”
He nodded.
“No.”
She saw the muscles tighten in his face, and she thought for a moment that he was angry. But then his expression softened again.
“Maybe, when you’re feeling better, that is, we could have that day out we talked about?”
She looked into his eyes, and he looked back. Then she lowered her head. “I don’t know, Nick, I’m not sure if I want anyone in my life. Not now, anyway.”
There was a long silence before he spoke. “OK. But if you change your mind, will you promise to ring me?”
“You’ll be the first,” she smiled. “I promise.”
The look in his eyes was one of such tenderness, that again she wanted to reach out and touch him.
“Thank you for coming, Nick.”
He smiled. “I’ll be waiting,” he said, and getting up from the chair, he left the room.
TWENTY
“Stop worrying,” said Bob. “This sort of thing happens all the time to actresses, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last.” He was sitting in the canteen at the back of the theatre, talking to Ellamarie and Nick. His denial that there was anything to be alarmed about in receiving so many anonymous bouquets was not ironing out the frown on Ellamarie’s face. “Look, the time to worry is when you get threatening letters, but there’s hardly anything threatening in a bunch of flowers, is there? If anything you should be flattered.”
“Well, I’m not,” Ellamarie retorted.
“All right, you’re not. But I’m here, aren’t I? I won’t let anything happen to you. Anyway, it’s not going to, so you can stop worrying.”
Ellamarie looked up at Nick and grinned. “My very own superman.”
Bob went on: “He’s probably very lonely and shy. Who knows, it could be that you remind him of his mother.”
Nick burst out laughing at the look on Ellamarie’s face. “I’ll take a swing at you in a minute,” she said to Bob, and he ducked as she did.
“No one serving coffee or anything yet?” said Nick, looking at his watch.
“Still early,” said Ellamarie. “Aren’t you going to sit down?”
Nick walked over to another table and picked up a chair. When he turned back again he saw that Bob was running his fingers over Ellamarie’s face, and whispering something to her. He sat down at their table and tried very hard not to feel like an intruder.
“Cheer up,” said Ellamarie, looking at his gloomy face.
He smiled. “I don’t know what it is, but every time I see you two together I think I feel jealous.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” said Bob, “but you can’t have her. She’s mine.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Well, you sure as hell can’t have him either,” said Ellamarie.
“Maybe that’s it,” said Nick, “you two are always so happy and relaxed with one another. Whenever I look at you I wonder what it’s like to be like you. Is life really as wonderful as it seems, in your world?”
Bob looked at Ellamarie, and she looked back at him. Then Bob shook his head. “No,” he said. “No. It’s even better than it seems.”
Ellamarie giggled, and turned back to Nick. “He’s so romantic. I wouldn’t even trade him in for a newer model.”
Bob pinched her, and she shrieked. “Well, maybe I would,” she said.
“As things go, I think you two must be the perfect couple.”
Bob looked him straight in the eye. “Not quite.”
Nick was immediately embarrassed. How stupid of him to have said that. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
“Hell, it doesn’t matter,” said Ellamarie. “We all have our crosses to bear. Have you seen Kate at all?”
Nick shook his head. “Not since she was in the hospital. How is she?”
“Not good, I’m afraid. Still depressed, but I suppose it’s only to be expected. I’m taking her off to a little place we know in Scotland for a couple of days tomorrow. I think she could do with a break.”
Nick didn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you call her?” said Bob.
“No, she knows where I am if she wants me. I don’t want to push it.”
Bob shrugged. “Up to you. But make sure you don’t leave it too long.”
He pulled out the script for the Queen of Cornwall, and the three of them began to discuss it. Although they had done their first read several weeks ago, it had only been with stand-in actors, to try the script out. Bob and Adrian Cowley, who was to produce the film, had had several meetings with bankers and businessmen and other possible investors. Interest was mounting, largely due to the fact that Bob’s name was attached to it.
“I shiver all over every time I think of myself, up there on the big screen,” said Ellamarie. “I can hardly believe that it’s going to happen. I never realized until now how much I’ve always wanted to do a movie. Well, I knew I wanted to, but now that it’s actually going to happen, I just can’t believe it. Me, a movie star! Just wait till . . . you’re laughing at me,” she said, looking at Bob. And he was.
He leaned across the table and dropped a kiss on the end of her nose. “Love you,” he said and winked at her.
“Are you staying for tonight’s performance?” she asked.
“Can’t, I’m afraid. I told Adrian I’d meet him at seven to talk over a few things, then I have to go to the Coliseum. But I’ll be back in time to pick you up.”
Elsie the canteen lady walked in at that moment and Ellamarie got up to get them all a coffee.
Standing at the counter watching the two of them, Ellamarie was thinking about Nick and Kate. She was sure that Nick was half in love with Kate. And there was no doubt that Kate needed someone right now. She needed her confidence and self-esteem putting back together. Maybe Nick was the right one to do it. She would talk it over with Ashley tonight, before she and Kate left for Scotland. Ashley would know what to do.
Elsie handed her three coffees, and she took them back to the table. She was looking forward to going to Scotland tomorrow. She knew she wasn’t only doing it because she thought it would do Kate some good – though she prayed to her Catholic God that it would. She was also doing it because Twelfth Night was to break for a week. Bob would be busy at the Coliseum with Don Giovanni, and Nick was going back into rep at the National with Lady Windermere’s Fan. Most of the rest of the cast were appearing in other reps around the country too, and as there wasn’t even as much as an audition on the horizon for her to look forward to, she had decided it might be better for her to be out of London, where she didn’t have to dwell too much on the lack of parts that were coming her way. Bob hadn’t been too keen on the idea, saying that he would miss her, but Ellamarie knew that he’d be too busy really to notice, and told him that right now Kate’s need was greater. She was going to take Kate to the place that Bob had taken
her not long after they’d first met. It was where he had told her he loved her, and where they had first made love. She wasn’t too sure why she had chosen to take Kate there. As it was a special place for her, maybe it could be special for Kate too.
She pretended to listen as Bob and Nick went over the opening lines of the Queen of Cornwall, but her mind had wandered on to what Nick had said about her and Bob. Did they really seem to be the perfect couple? Sometimes she felt as if they were. But she couldn’t shake off this feeling of dread that it wasn’t going to last. That something terrible was going to happen, and she would lose him. How deceiving people can be sometimes, she thought. To look so happy, so at one with each other, but always there was something. Was there really any such thing as the perfect couple, with perfect happiness?
Blanche stirred in her sleep, and turned over. Her hair fell back onto the pillows, and the early morning sun cast a pool of light across her face.
Julian brushed his finger lightly against her cheek, he didn’t want to wake her. He was sitting up in bed beside her, watching the sun rise and wishing that he, too, could sleep so peacefully.
He had been woken again in the early hours, by that same nightmare. The one that haunted him every night now, where he found himself standing at the altar with Blanche. The vicar was asking if anyone knew of any reason why these two people before him should not be joined in holy wedlock, and every time a voice would shout that it was wrong, that he loved another, that he must not marry this woman. He knew that the voice was his own, shouting from within, warning him to stop now, before it was too late. And then he would wake up, sweating, confused.
But I love Blanche, he told himself. I really do love her. She makes me happy, she is everything I could want in a wife. So, said the voice, why are you restless?
He knew the answer. In his heart, he knew why, but until now, he had been unable to face the truth. But the truth will follow you, wherever you go, said the voice. You can never hide from the truth. Admit it. Admit that you love someone else, even more than you love Blanche. Admit that you have made a mistake. Admit it now, before it is too late.
He got out of bed, and went to stand at the window. The sun was up now, and the dawn chorus was in full flow. It was going to be a lovely day. One of the first days of spring.
The wedding was only one week away. One week, and Blanche would be his wife. He looked at her again. His face remained expressionless, and he didn’t wonder if she had doubts or fears. He knew she didn’t. He knew her so well that sometimes he knew what she was thinking, even before she said it. He had believed that this was an illustration of true and complete love, to know what was in another’s mind. But now he knew that it was an illustration of the sort of love shared between brother and sister. To know the depths of another’s mind was to know them completely, with no mystery, and no excitement left for lovers. And that was what he felt for Blanche. A brotherly affection, deep and lasting, and safe.
Stop running away, said the voice. Face it. Face it now, and accept the truth.
Ashley. Where was she now? What was she doing? He wondered if she dreamt of him, if she thought about him still. Yes, it was her who haunted his dreams, and it was because of her that the silent voice in his mind was driving him to face reality. And suddenly he felt like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had admitted the truth. He loved Ashley, and he always had, and in trying to deny it, he had only been lying to himself, and to her.
He longed to touch her, to see her smile, feel her softness, and smell her. That was why he was afraid. He was afraid he would never be able to hold her again, never see her smile for him again, never make love with her again. He was afraid, because if he would not be true to his own heart, his heart might never forgive him.
He turned back to the bed, and looked at Blanche. He would tell her, he had to tell her. When he took his marriage vows, there was only one woman he wanted at his side, and the sorrow he felt that that woman was not Blanche, he knew she would never understand.
The rain had come from nowhere. No warning, no fresh breeze, nothing; it had simply started to pour. Keith and Ashley quickly found that they had walked further than either of them had realized, and the run back to the village was a long one.
Keith kept laughing at her, tangled up in a hood, scarf and hat, unable to see where she was going. In the end he took her by the hand and almost dragged her back to the inn at Long Melford. By the time they arrived the rain had stopped, but they were soaked right through.
Quickly they ran upstairs to their room, which overlooked the main road through the village, and began stripping off their wet coats. All the time they were laughing, and hitting one another with their towels.
“You’re a bully!” Ashley cried, as he pushed her and she fell back onto the bed.
“Speak for yourself,” said Keith, laughing as she ducked away from him.
He threw the towel round his head, and rubbed at his hair. When he took it off again he was such a peculiar mess that Ashley yelled with laughter.
“Try looking in the mirror,” he retorted, and flopped into a chair beside the window.
“Where’s that brandy you bought on the way here?” said Ashley. “I think I could do with some.”
Keith went to his suitcase to get it. “Great idea,” he said.
They had come away for the weekend for one reason, and one reason only – or so they told themselves. Alex had gone camping with the Scouts, the first time he had been away from home. Ashley had been very nervous about his going, but Keith and her father had insisted. Alex was delighted at the idea of going away on an adventure, and Ashley had had to hide the hurt she felt, that he was so willing to go. But Keith had been firm, and although he too was a little hesitant about the idea, he had hidden it from Ashley. That was until Alex had left, the day before.
Keith poured some brandy into a tooth glass, and passed it to Ashley. She was sitting up on the bed, looking out of the window at the gloomy afternoon.
Alex would have been outraged to learn that his parents were so close at hand. But Keith had rung the farmhouse at the camp and spoken to the Scout leader to let him know that they were going to be nearby, in the unlikely event that Alex should become homesick.
“Wonder what he’s doing now?” said Ashley, not looking up as she took the glass.
“Probably sitting round a camp fire, cooking sausages, and making a thorough pig of himself,” said Keith. “I only wish I was there.” He put his arm round her. “He’ll be all right. He won’t think about us once, he’ll be too busy enjoying himself. So why don’t we do the same?”
“You’re right,” she said, and looked up at him. She caught her breath to see the expression on his face, and didn’t move as, very slowly, he lowered his head to hers and covered her mouth. She lay back, her eyes closed, and kissed him back. He began to unbutton her shirt.
For so many months they had been together, so many times, when perhaps this moment might have stolen upon them, but it never had, until now. And she knew she wanted him.
Swiftly he stripped off his own clothes, watching her face and feeling himself respond to the look in her eyes. As his fingers moved from her throat over her shoulder, and across her breast, she shivered and reached out for him, whispering for him to come to her. His eyes darkened and narrowed, and he pushed her back and moved his body above her. And then he was inside her, gently probing, and pulling, and looking down into her face. She wound her arms about his neck, and ran her tongue across her lips. He groaned and held her to him, forcing himself deeper inside her. And as his passion rose, carrying him on a tide of fulfilment, he pushed harder, held her tighter, until finally he fell heavily against her, breathing loudly and clutching her to him.
They lay together for a long time, before finally he lifted himself from her, and pulled her up to sit facing him.
“You didn’t, did you?” He brushed her hair from her face.
She lowered her eyes and whispered that it didn
’t matter.
“It does to me.”
She took his hand and lifted it to her mouth. “It shouldn’t.”
He knew that she was pulling away from him. That he was losing her in the depths of her own thoughts, and he wished he could ask what she was thinking.
“Where are you going?” she asked, as he got up from the bed.
“To bath before dinner.” And he left the room.
Ashley lay back on the pillows, and looked up at the window. It was dark outside now, and a lamppost outside was the only light that lit the room. She shivered, and pulled a blanket round her. She was crying before she even knew she was crying. She tried not to call his name, but it was on her lips, and in her heart. She missed him so terribly.
Just one week, and he would be married. Just one week. No amount of pretence could change that. No amount of longing for him would bring him back to her. She still thought of him, every day, every night. She still loved him, and dreamt of him, and tortured herself with him. Giving herself to Keith had not changed that. She could not allow herself freedom in their love-making, because all the time, in her heart and in her mind, she was making love with Julian, and she was afraid she would cry out his name. Time had not healed the wound, it had only nurtured it.
She sat up abruptly, and tried to pull herself together. Tears would not change anything.
“How about a walk?” said Keith, glancing at his watch. He looked happy, and a flood of affection filled her heart. She was glad that she had made love with him. Maybe next time it would be better.
“What time is it?”
“Ten o’clock. We could wander up the street, and have a nightcap at the Bull.”
The night air was filled with the aroma of damp streets and freshly mowed lawns. It was a rich, wholesome smell, and Keith breathed it in deeply, letting out a long and heavy sigh.
Ashley watched him, and smiled.
He planted a kiss on the end of her nose. “I love you, Ash. But you already know that, don’t you?”
