by Calista Kyle
I’d loved him once before, surely I could learn to love him once again. How many other men were there like him out there? He had everything going for him, and should have been the perfect guy for me. Hell, he had been my dream man six months ago. He was handsome, kind, had a good job and my mother actually approved of him.
He also wasn’t Ryan. He didn’t bring out those womanly feelings of sensuality and raw desire in me that Ryan did. Chad was the type of guy who made sweet love. He was gentle and kind, but ultimately routine and unexciting. I’d been happy and satisfied with it before, but after Ryan, I knew what I’d been missing all this time. With him, it was passionate, fiery, and intense. He brought out emotions and sensations in me that I’d never imagined were possible. It was like his touch and kisses were a drug, and I was hooked.
I groaned out loud, hating the fact that I’d become some dumb cliché, thinking sex equated to love for a man like Ryan. He probably made countless women feel that way. That’s what he was good at and that’s why he had a reputation. Here I was being naïve and thinking I could be the one to change him, like he was some bad boy who only needed the love of a good woman. I snorted derisively. My mother was right. A man like Ryan Marsden could never be happy with just one woman, and I could never be happy with a guy like that.
The only bright spot in this whole debacle was that it somehow brought my mother and me closer together. It had felt nice to be able to open up to her and not be an object of scorn. If anything, I had Chad to thank for that. Maybe I should just listen to my mother and give Chad another chance? Goodness knows I’d always mucked things up when I followed my own heart. And she seemed so certain that Chad was the right man for me.
***
I walked to work from my apartment as I had done for the past few weeks—ever since Chad had showed back up in my life to be exact. I found walking helped keep my mind mostly occupied and I didn’t have to dwell on that little voice in my head that told me I was being a fool. The voice had steadily gotten louder and louder the more time I spent with Chad.
I’d seen him almost every day since the launch party. My mother even joined us sometimes. It surprised and delighted me to no end that I was finally experiencing the kind of relationship I’d always craved with my mother. It was just too bad it was so intertwined with my relationship with Chad.
Things between Chad and I had remained stagnant. There was just no other word for it. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was missing—that spark, that electricity and excitement. I remembered the first time we were together, I couldn’t get enough of him. I wanted to be around him all the time and had even accompanied him on a three week trip to China after only knowing him for a few days. Looking back, I couldn’t believe we had been the same people. Everything was so different now.
I tried to force myself to feel that chemistry and connection that we once had, but I just couldn’t. It was like that part of me had died. The harder I tried to force myself, the more I found myself resenting Chad.
Why couldn’t he have been the person he was now all those months ago? I thought miserably. Things would have been so much easier. We’d never have lost that closeness between us and I would have never looked twice at Ryan. His charms would have fallen on deaf ears instead of a bruised and vulnerable heart. Ryan would have moved on to more susceptible prey once he knew I was definitely not interested.
I tried to put Ryan out of my mind and focus solely on building back the trust I’d lost with Chad, but it hadn’t been easy. My traitorous mind would sometimes fantasize about him and wonder what he was doing. It also didn’t help that I’d occasionally see his picture on the newsstands and tabloids escorting that movie star Emilia Holliday around.
My mother was vigilant in showing me each one. She said it was to remind me of the kind of person he was and that I couldn’t trust him. The pictures had felt like the nail in the coffin for our “relationship.” It was obvious he had moved on and I’d be pathetic not to do so as well. Event after event, there was Ryan and Emilia looking happy and having the time of their lives. If he was sad or disappointed about the end of our fling, he certainly did a good job of hiding it.
I reached the office with these bleak thoughts running through my mind yet again. It was going to be another shitty day, I could feel it. The one good thing was that I didn’t have to dread running into my mother or being on her shit list anymore. She’d lightened up on me considerably.
When I got to my cubicle, I was surprised to see Candace sitting there. It was the first time I’d seen her in weeks, ever since Chad and I got back together actually. She’d been off travelling for some assignments in Europe. It was strange that she started getting these cushy assignments when she’d never been asked to go on an overseas trip before. I didn’t think much of it except to be happy for her.
Now that she was back, I felt my spirits lift. She looked like she had just gotten in and was busy putting away her purse under her desk so she didn’t notice me at first.
“Boo!” I shouted near Candace’s ear.
Her head jerked up hitting the edge of her desk in a loud thump. “Ouch!” she said pushing her chair back and lifting her head to glare at me.
“Sorry, I didn’t think you’d hit your head,” I said, stifling a little laugh. “It’s so good to see you again! I’ve missed you.”
“Missed you too. How have things been around here? You holding down the fort?” she asked, still rubbing her hand over the back of her head.
“Yeah, you know, just the same old bull. How was Europe? You have to tell me all about it,” I said.
“Oh, quit it with that. I know that look on your face and you’re just bursting at the seams to tell me about the latest drama train that has been making frequent stops in your life.”
I grinned sheepishly at her for a moment before I launched into everything I’d been dealing with lately.
“Well, you know how I mentioned that Chad had asked me for a second chance?” I began.
“Mm hmm,” she said, “and I already know by that guilty look on your face that you took him up on it.”
“Wha—I do not look guilty. Anyways, yes, Chad and I are back together, but—” I hesitated, not sure exactly what I wanted to say or how to say it.
“Yes?” Candace asked.
“It’s just, not as great as I imagined,” I said.
“What do you mean by that? Did you expect like rainbows and butterflies to shoot out the sky or something?”
I rolled my eyes at her and frowned. “You don’t need to be so sarcastic,” I said. “I just thought it wouldn’t be this hard to get back on track. It’s like we’re two strangers now. I mean I can’t even bring myself to sleep with him or let him kiss me.”
Candace cocked an eyebrow at that, “You mean you haven’t had sex yet?”
“Yes, and I know he’s been sort of hinting in that way. I don’t think I can do it, Candace. Plus, I think he wants me to move back in with him,” I said burying my head in my hands.
“Why are you even with him if you feel this way?” she asked, looking at me confused.
“It’s…just very complicated.”
“I’ve got time,” she said. She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to continue.
“It’s not just Chad. It’s my mother too,” I said.
Candace sat a little straighter and leaned forward in her seat. “What in the world does your mother have to do with this?”
“She’s just very happy that Chad and I are back together. She was actually the one who encouraged me to give him another chance. And you know our relationship has never been better. I just don’t want to disappoint her by dumping Chad without really trying and putting in the effort, you know?”
She blew out a low whistle and shook her head slowly, giving me a pitying look. “This is so messed up,” she said.
“I know,” I said miserably. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I take it you and Ryan are over?�
��
“We were never really together. It was just about the sex,” I said a little bitterly. “Besides, he’s already moved on to his next fling.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said. “It would have never worked out anyways. We’re too different.”
Candace looked a little disappointed, but remained silent. I didn’t know what I wanted for her to say. Now that I had admitted it to someone else, I could finally see how intolerable it was to continue seeing Chad when I knew things would never work out. It’d be cruel to string him along, when I knew my feelings wouldn’t change with more time. They were what they were. Our ship had sailed and I’d moved on, I realized.
The only reason I was still trying was for my mother. I knew how much she wanted Chad and I to be together. He was the first guy I’d ever dated that she approved of and made an effort to get to know. I knew she just wanted to see me happy and not get hurt, but I couldn’t change my feelings or feel something that wasn’t there anymore. I just hoped she wouldn’t be too disappointed when I ended things with Chad.
He had planned a special dinner for us at Tesoro restaurant that evening. Even though I hated the thought of hurting him, I knew it was the right time to tell him it was over. My mother came by our cubicle later that morning and told me to leave work early and to take the next day off. She had a sly smile on her face as she advised me to wear something special. When she had left, I turned to Candace who widened her eyes in wonder. She stood up and checked around us to make sure no one was there eavesdropping.
“What was that all about?” she whispered.
“That’s how she’s been for the past few weeks now. I told you how happy she was when Chad and I got back together.”
“Yeah, but it’s just weird to see in person. I mean something just seems fishy about it.”
“I don’t know about that, but what do you think she meant by telling me to wear something special. You don’t think—”
“That Chad’s going to propose?” Candace finished.
“Oh God!” I buried my face in my hands and shook it slowly. “That would be very bad.”
“That would be crazy, is what it would be. You’ve only just gotten back together.”
“I know. I just hope it’s not true. I don’t want to see that look in his eye when I tell him no.”
“I don’t know why you’re so concerned about his feelings when he didn’t give two shits about how you felt when he broke up with you all those months ago. And he didn’t really seem to care about you when he was in Dubai and didn’t even have the decency to call or contact you. Now all of a sudden, he’s like Mr. Attentive. Please. He just wants to tie you down before you can find someone better,” she huffed.
“But what should I say to him if he does ask?” I asked.
“Just tell him no. And don’t let him brow beat you or make you feel guilty about it. You can’t be with someone out of duty or a fear of hurting their feelings.”
“You’re right,” I said, nodding my head determinedly. I had to be strong and firm.
***
When I arrived at the restaurant, he was already seated. I had decided against changing my outfit, since I didn’t want Chad to get the wrong idea. I wanted tonight to be as painless as possible, for the both of us.
“You look like a sight for sore eyes,” he said, standing up giving me a kiss on the cheek in greeting.
“Thank you,” I said. I sat down and my eyes darted around the restaurant. For some reason, I couldn’t make eye contact with Chad. Thankfully, the waiter came at that moment and allowed me some much needed time to control my wildly fluctuating emotions. I did some breathing exercises and closed my eyes and imagined a peaceful babbling brook. The trick seemed to work because I could feel my heart rate slow and my body start to relax. When I opened my eyes again, it was to find a pair of eyes staring at me curiously.
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” I asked, flushing momentarily.
“I was just asking if you were ready to order,” the waiter said.
“I’ll just have a glass of wine,” I said.
“No food?” Chad asked, looking at me in concern.
“I’m not very hungry.” That was true enough, but I also didn’t want to be here longer than necessary, and ordering food would take too long. I had no intention of staying. The waiter shrugged his shoulders and gathered up the menus and left.
“Are you all right?” Chad asked, once the waiter had gone. “You seem a little restless and fidgety.”
“Do I? No, no I’m fine,” I said.
He looked like he didn’t believe me but then his face relaxed and he reached his hand across the table and grasped mine in his. I held my breath, wondering if he was going to do it now, but he just smiled and raised my hand to his lips.
“I’m always blown away by how beautiful you are,” he said.
“Er—thanks.”
Do it now! Do it now! The voice inside my head screamed at me. I should have snatched my hand away and just told him that it was over before he went on any further, but I couldn’t get my body to cooperate with me. My mouth felt dry and my arm felt like lead. So I just sat there and prayed for some miracle. The waiter arrived back with our drinks and I finally pulled my hand free and gulped down the red wine like my life depended on it.
“You sure you’re all right?” he asked again.
“Yeah perfect,” I said before signaling to the waiter for a refill.
“Whoa, slow down there. I don’t want you to get too drunk tonight,” he said. His eyes were full of meaning as he looked at me and I felt like a giant pit had formed in my stomach. Now was the time to do it. I couldn’t let him have the opportunity to actually propose. I had to cut him off before he even attempted it. It would save us both from the humiliation and awkwardness.
“Listen Chad,” I began.
He shushed me with his finger held against his lips. I watched with dread as he pushed back from his seat, reached his hand in his jacket and pulled out a small black velvet box. He got on one knee in front of me and looked up with hopeful eyes. My face went pale and I thought I was going to be sick. Before he could utter a word, I stood up and rushed out to the ladies room.
Once inside I collapsed against the door and tried to take deep breaths as my heart pounded in my chest. I don’t know how long I stayed crouched against the door, but I just knew I couldn’t go back out there. I seriously debated slipping out and leaving the restaurant, but knew that would be too cowardly. I had to man up and end it.
When I was feeling a little more composed, I stood up and walked over to the sink. I still looked a little pale, and there were slight shadows under my eyes from a lack of sleep the past few nights, but otherwise I couldn’t complain. I was glad I hadn’t cried and had mascara streaming down my face. And then I sort of hated myself for caring about my appearance at a time like this.
I had to be firm and resolute. I made a face in the mirror in what I thought was determined yet compassionate expression, but I looked like a squinty-eyed duck instead. Just go out there and get it over with, I told myself. I knew I was just wasting time, but my feet felt like they weighed five hundred pounds. I heard a faint knocking on the door and snapped my head in that direction.
“Hey, Mel. Are you all right in there?” I heard Chad’s voice ask through the door.
“Um…yeah…I’m fine. Just give me a minute,” I called back. I looked around me frantically, for what, I didn’t know. Maybe an escape hatch or a secret portal—something that would save me from having to deal with this situation, but I knew that was impossible. Taking a deep breath I walked over to the door and opened it. Chad stood there leaning against the frame looking pensive.
“Sorry about that,” I said.
“It’s all right. I guess I should have expected it,” he said a little ruefully.
“Chad, I think we really need to talk.”
“I thought you might,” he replied. “Come on, let’s get
out of here first. I already paid the check. I hope you don’t mind. I’d rather not go back out there and face the curious stares of the other customers.”
“No, that’s great actually. I wasn’t looking forward to it either.” Once we were outside of the restaurant, I turned to Chad. “I’m sorry. I don’t think this is going to work,” I blurted. “I don’t want to hurt you but I just…I don’t feel the same as I used to. I think you’re a wonderful guy—”
“Don’t,” he said, holding up his hand and stalling me. “I’m not a great guy. I’m a selfish guy. If I were so great, I’d have realized how wonderful you were before leaving you,” he said a little wistfully. “But I don’t want you to feel bad about this at all. It’s not your fault. I knew you probably weren’t ready for any of this yet,” he said waving his hand in front of him. “But I just hoped, you know? And then when your mom hinted to me that you had been talking about getting married, well, I just took her word for it and rushed out to get the ring.”
“Wait what? When did you talk to my mother?”
“A few days ago. She said you’d been talking about our future together and how you mentioned wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. I should have known she was wrong. After all, you can barely stand for me to kiss you, but wishful thinking, you know?” he said shrugging his shoulders.
“I’m so sorry if my mother gave you the wrong impression, but I never said that to her. I don’t know why she would even tell you that,” I said.
I was bewildered and a little upset that my mother had actually encouraged Chad to propose to me. She stepped over the line with her interference. The more I thought about it the angrier I got. Not only was she playing with my life, but Chad’s too. He could have been saved a lot of trouble and humiliation if my mother hadn’t butted her nose in, thinking she always knew best.
