by J C Hartung
Chapter Thirty-Four
Their day had been as close to perfect as either of them could have imagined. They’d laughed a lot, learned more about each other, and as they drove back to the house, exhaustion settled over her. But as hard as she tried now, she couldn’t convince her brain to shut down and allow it to find an end. They had only walked in the doors of the house shortly before midnight and retired to their own separate rooms awkwardly and immediately after.
She’d gone through the motions of stripping her face of makeup and pulling her hair from the pins it was tied to. But now as she was tucked up under the ultra-comfy blankets, she was restless. The only positive to not being able to sleep she could find was at least she wasn’t plagued with nightmares and thrashing around screaming in her sleep.
Glancing at the clock every two minutes to see if she’d fallen asleep wasn’t helping, so feeling completely exasperated, she threw the covers from herself and reached for the door as she pulled on a sweatshirt.
She was in the kitchen drinking a glass of water when she heard the house creak behind her. She turned but found no one there. She spent a few more minutes standing at the kitchen window looking out into a dark night sky, wondering if Linc could hear her in the kitchen and wishing he were awake.
She was feeling foolish for even thinking about waking Linc up, but then she began to wonder what the old Raina would do and she forced herself to stop thinking and just act.
She was descending the stairs before she could respond to her thoughts. The stairwell was dark but there was a faint glow coming from the basement, allowing her to easily navigate her way. Linc’s door was at the bottom and just to the side so she couldn’t see if the light was coming from his room until she turned the corner and saw that the door was in fact open a sliver, but no light came from within.
She reached her hand to the door and silently stood for a moment. She heard nothing and allowed her reason to return. She was turning in a disappointed retreat when she heard a ruffle and the quiet breathing of her name. She turned back without hesitation as the light on the bedside table flashed on.
“Linc?” she whispered, suddenly unable to find words and again not feeling so in control.
“Hey, you alright?” he asked, as his eyes adjusted to the light.
She pushed the door just enough to slip into the room. Linc reached for his shirt that was laid out at the end of the bed.
“I can’t sleep,” she said plainly.
“I know the feeling, come on then,” he ordered gently, and he threw the blanket over for her to take the empty space beside him. She didn’t hesitate but she felt her pulse pick up and there was a heavy drumming in her chest. So distinct was the drumming that it traveled up and seemed to vibrate in her throat.
Once she’d curled up beside him and nestled into his arm she was certain he could feel the heavy, erratic thump of her heart. Though he didn’t say anything, he did begin to run his fingers gently and calmingly across the hair around her ear.
He could feel the moment she let go of whatever had her pulse bouncing around in her chest. Her body pressed deeper into his and the faint tremble her pumping heart was causing slowed into its natural rhythm.
As his fingers continued to sift through her hair, she settled into her thoughts. She understood the night she told him about her life, without hearing the words that he was in this, whatever this was. She could see it in his eyes when he looked at her, it was in his actions, and in everything he had put forth in his efforts to spend time with her. She also knew he was holding back, but for what underlying reason she couldn’t be certain.
His fingers continued to sooth and draw her nearer to him. But whether for comfort, for closeness, or for necessity she didn’t know yet. At the moment she could easily reason away those needs. No, she corrected, it wasn’t easy, but she could reason his needs away by putting her own first. What she was about to say was more about her climbing the mountain she’d been navigating so cautiously the past few weeks, and very little about the feelings she sensed he had for her.
Her mouth was open and the words were ready to come out when he spoke.
“When you’re in a restaurant you know you could run, how badly do you miss it?”
She shrugged, thankful not for the first time, that he had a way to calm her, a way of slowly settling her into him and drawing her out all at once. “I always miss it, but it’s not so bad that I’d make a different choice. I honestly like what I do now, and where I’m able to do it.”
He shifted beside her. “You must have been something special that they would still adore you that way. I can see you there now, in the middle of it, being an important piece of a team while creating something so special each day. So, thank you for sharing that with me.”
A smile painted her clean face and she pulled far enough away for him to get a good solid glimpse of its nakedness. She looked younger and more fragile with pale shadows beneath her eyes, and without the mask that covered over those distinct qualities she worked hard to hide. He couldn’t stop his need to trace the scar that lined her forehead with the express intent of soothing her, showing her acceptance and letting her know that he was simply there.
She let his strong hand trace the evidence that her life had changed, and as those fingers touched the physical reminder of what was lost and what was left, she knew she was safe; that she could say what she’d been struggling with and holding on to, because she believed he saw both and could handle it.
Her own fingers reached his and followed the line that hooked and then disappeared into her hair. When their eyes met, he believed she was as open to him as she ever had been.
She drew him to her slowly, and in a way that he felt he could ever savor and never separate himself from. She was completely his in this moment, the way she hadn’t been before.
The silence hung. So much so, that only their breath could be heard and even that took on an ambient quality that seemed to be in its own realm. He kissed her eyes closed and moved his lips across her face in a way that spoke of strength, generosity and the tender touch of one who was cautious to show care. When they were stunned out of the moment that had captured them both, he heard the simple plea escape her lips.
“Linc.”
His hands were still exploring her face, but their eyes once again fell into the other’s. She moved slowly, back into the comforting circle of his arm where her head could rest on his shoulder. He waited; because there was nothing else he could do.
“When I was a girl I wasn’t afraid of anything, there wasn’t a challenge I wouldn’t take. I was rash, spontaneous, completely unabashed and I fell in love easily, or at least I thought it was love then. I know better now.”
Linc shifted, sensing that what she was actually trying to say was coming. He shifted enough to allow him to see her, and in a way that prevented her from hiding her face or her eyes from him.
He could see into them and there was not even the faintest trace of a shadow in her eyes, she was speaking purely to him.
“I’ve seen that girl,” he quietly responded, using the same small level her voice had used. Her expression changed into a question and he told her when he’d seen her in just that way.
“Every time we’ve been together she’s been there; or better, not she, Raina, but you, you were there. The first night when you were unsuccessfully trying to ditch the drunk guy. The night we danced and you gave me your number, when you called back. Do you want me to go on, because you are still all of those things.”
She looked perplexed and as she scrunched her eyebrows, a line of concentration appeared in her forehead. Eventually she shook her head.
“That’s not what I’m trying to say.”
He smiled and exhaled a short laugh and motioned for her to continue.
“Earlier you asked me what makes me mad. It’s what I haven’t been able to put into words all day. I didn’t know how to say it in the truck, or at the restaurant, but I know if I don’t get it out I�
��ll just go crazy.”
“Okay,” he said, unsure where she was leading him, though he believed as she was sitting next to him in the middle of the night, it couldn’t be so bad. But when her eyes filled, he thought he was lost, and he thought all the progress they’d made was slipping through his fingers.
“Fear makes me mad. Not just the fear but the way it seeps through me to paralyze and consume me whole.”
He remained silent because for the first time since his eyes fell on her, he had no answer for her. He had no words to sooth, no emotion that could lend itself to assurance; he couldn’t smooth those edges.
“I see how you look at me. You don’t see me as broken, but you do understand that I have to be cautious, only it’s not for the reason you think. When you look at me, I believe you. I believe everything I see in your eyes, especially that I could be that woman.”
He reached for her, hope spilling over and loosening the tension he’d prepared himself for. Her hand took his and stopped him from pulling her to him.
“I have to say this.” Her statement was a quiet plea.
“Of course,” he murmured in response.
“Apparently some things haven’t changed,” she said, with a sad laugh. “Linc, I’m in trouble with you, because I wouldn’t have ever expected to feel this way. To feel that I could be swamped with love and be able to give it back. And though it probably doesn’t reassure you as I ramble on this way, Linc, I’m afraid I may be falling in love with you.”
His face animated with undeniable pleasure. “Raina.”
She stopped him with a firm shake. Agitated again, she pushed his hands away and pushed her own into her hair.
“Please don’t say it, Linc, not right now. I need you to understand.”
“Understand what?” He took her hands back in his and hoped his touch would calm her and encourage her to continue.
“The fear and the anger. There are moments when I can’t define them or separate them from each other, and there are moments when I see it clearly. Usually it’s the fear that makes me angry and not the reverse. But it doesn’t really matter because they both leave me terrified and helpless to do anything to fight it off.” Her voice hitched and a tremble took over her body. The rest came out in a whisper.
“I’m terrified to feel love because I know what it’s like to have it taken. To be happy and anticipating tomorrow, only to wake up and find there is no tomorrow for any of it. I don’t know how to live with it, or if I can make peace with the awfulness of it.”
His expression turned grave and he offered her only what he saw as truth. “You’re smart enough to know that it doesn’t have to be a battle. Love or fear: fear or love, neither is to be weighed. There is fear in almost everything, but at some point it stops. It’s not rational to give fear the power, Raina.”
“But that’s the problem, my fear isn’t rational, and I can’t do anything to make it stop. I still wake up screaming and I don’t remember what I’m screaming about because I have no memory of how I got there. Do you have any idea how often I sit in Oliver’s room and simply watch him sleep, paralyzed by the fear he won’t be there when I wake. Or how it feels to lose complete control of your body because something in your brain decides to panic? It’s not rational but it’s still there.”
“What did you do when you were afraid of something before?”
She shook her head, feeling hopeless and agonizingly helpless against it. “I wasn’t afraid of anything before. I was young and blissfully naïve and didn’t think anything harmful could touch me. This isn’t like ordinary fear, Linc.”
His hands were gentle and first to respond. He started by brushing the tears that had slid from her eyes with the backs of his fingers. Second, he took her shaking hands in his own.
“Let’s start with the easy to solve.” At that she just looked at him, almost pleadingly, but there was confusion as well.
“If I knew what to do, I’d do it.”
“Let’s start with the things that scare you that you can take care of. How about the frogs?”
That drew a huff of air and fleeting smile which she shook away. “I avoid them, and I don’t let Oliver near me with them.”
“Okay, that’s a bad example.” He pushed his hand through his hair almost chastising himself for choosing it. “How about the insects? Like spiders and grasshoppers?
“Linc, this isn’t a joke,” she whispered, and looked down at their hands.
He released one of her hands and tipped her chin up. “I’m not joking. Talk this through with me, we’re going in a specific direction with this.”
Their eyes held until she was certain of his honesty. Feeling defeated and not especially wanting to answer, she swallowed and did just that.
“I step on them or swat them.” Then she admitted, “occasionally I squeal and behave like a frightened little girl.”
Their eyes still connected, she knew her answer was what he wanted, because his eyes took on a sparkle, and brightness was dancing in them.
“You step on them and face your fear. That’s the answer we’re shooting for. You step out and you take matters into your own hands. You examine the issue and you find a way to eradicate the problem.”
She shook her head again.
“It’s not that simple, Linc.”
“It is that simple, I don’t think you even realize you’re doing it. You’ve been doing it since the first moment I laid eyes on you.”
More tears spilled and he could only smile and wonder if she wasn’t ready to see that she had already overcome so many of the fears she was explaining to him.
“Until this moment, everything that has happened between us has been your call. Do I need to explain it to you?”
She truly appeared lost and he knew that it was one of the greatest reasons he was in love with her. Her humble strength had infinite power over him. She simply didn’t see it, and that left her open and innocent, and everything he never wanted to be without.
“You are the strongest, bravest, woman I’ve ever known, and I have a pretty exceptional reference to mark those words.” He could see he’d have to spell it out for her. “That first night, you called me over. You gave me your number, and then you called me back. The night after Oliver’s party when you explained yourself, even the way you dragged me out of bed this morning. If those aren’t enough to convince you, just look at where you’re sitting right now. You made all these moments happen. Fear or not, you let me in. You, Raina. I don’t need to hear you say you love me to know it’s true, not today anyway.”
He could see her register what he’d said and he also saw she wouldn’t be easy to convince.
“Why don’t we leave it there for now and get some sleep. There’re a few hours before we need to get back on the road.” He drew her head back into the hollow of his shoulder and together they drew the covers around them.
“I don’t think it’ll be as easy as you make it sound.”
There was not nearly enough of the confidence he would have liked to hear behind her words. He kissed her head once he’d settled in behind her.
“I think you just need a bit more practice stomping the spiders, and when you run into something that frightens you and you feel you need to squeal like, what was it, a little girl?” That drew a small laugh from each of them. “How about you call me and let me help you, there’s a different sort of brave in that as well. There’s nothing wrong with being angry at fear, just don’t confuse them and let either of them win.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Back at work the week was flying by, and with a steady humming tune replaying through her mind, business whirled around her as usual. Last minute orders were added to those already in the works for Thanksgiving weekend, and the busy holiday prep was nearing its grand finale. With only two days before the weekend officially kicked off, everyone was on their toes and elbow deep in pie filling, flaky crusts, and holiday trimmings.
Raina couldn’t bring herself to think about
the holiday and everything she needed to do, because when it came right down to it, she simply had too much to do and not enough time, energy, or the will to focus on her own personal commitments.
She also knew as she caught herself once again humming that tune, that she was seriously distracted. So distracted in fact, that days later she could still feel the warm trickle flood her as she remembered what it felt like to wake up in Linc’s arms.
The feeling, like all the talk the night before, terrified and thrilled her. It made her smile and made her tremble with fear. That morning when her senses slowly returned to her, she felt first the warmth of his arm gently encircling her and warding off any unpleasantness that threatened to invade the moment. His eyes were next. As she slowly turned, she saw he was awake and watching her. Then it was his smile; welcoming, assuring, with equal parts of joy and satisfaction. He had a way; of that she was certain, and she couldn’t deny his way was good for her.
She had no time to spare, but she had to eat didn’t she? She argued herself into knots, made excuses for half an hour, before she threw her hands up and disappeared into her office.
He woke at an early hour, alone. Alone wouldn’t have been so bad if his mattress hadn’t lost most of its air at some point in the night, leaving him to toss and turn on the hard surface of a bare floor at an hour that was meant for pleasant dreams or quiet rest.
He left his bed unmade. What was the point to making it? It wasn’t a real bed after all, or that is what he’d said to convince himself the past few mornings. He fumbled with the coffee pot, and stood in the shower until the water ran cold.
It was the third morning his routine had strayed to include such events. The man who generally bounced out of bed without coaxing had temporarily taken leave. He’d had a taste of what it could be like. Falling asleep, waking up, and going through the routine of life together. And since that small sample had crept its way into his being, he could think of nothing else. He continued to throw himself into his work during the day and his house in the evenings to avoid feeling the need that was growing deep inside him.
