She’s crying. Well, it means she’s getting drunk. I don’t say anything; I’ve noticed that she doesn’t like to be touched, she hates caresses, sudden physical contact, she’s terrified when anyone—man or woman, doesn’t matter—she’s terrified when anyone touches her, she gets defensive, and it’s no good if she loses her total trust right now. Other people’s hands scare her, and it’s understandable, poor thing—if anything about her worthless life can ever be understood—she was badly beaten up years ago. Maybe even as a girl, she took a violent beating on the street, she mumbled something like this the day I met her. Then there were the husbands and various boyfriends, the violence that she doesn’t even count, but they worked her over, they reduced her brain to mush, her whole face is a scar, but all you want to do is hit her, she is so irritating, I’m sure that waitress would happily hit her, me too. And yet I needed a drifter with a residue of innocence. I came here many times, to the Tiburtina station, a neighborhood far away from the one where the “operation” was going to take place. I couldn’t find anyone for my purpose in the wealthy neighborhoods, those chic, fashionable neighborhoods that my family liked, where I grew up protected by a ring of private schools, by the sharp vigilance of governesses, restrained by the paralyzing block of solitude whose echo I heard, room after room, in that labyrinthine house where, as a child, I lost the map of doors, verandas, windows. I was looking for someone suitable to do the dirty work and I found the right person, I was really very clever about it, she was perfect, my grandfather’s house is full of her fingerprints, her traces, I wore gloves and didn’t touch anything. She didn’t ask me why, she didn’t even notice, she carried out my orders with her bare hands, like an idiot. At last I’ll be able to pay back the person who provides the coke, those types don’t have much patience—first they give you the top-quality stuff without a fuss, you spoil your lover, your friends, you all snort it with that marvelous Dolce & Gabbana exclusive designer straw that’s only sold abroad, and not everywhere (I found them in Ibiza during a quick trip for a party, and I bought ten to give to certain friends), they arrive punctually with the white powder, and your parties become the most sought after, your invitations the most in demand; the only thing is, then they present the bill, it’s okay to make them wait a little, then give them a down payment, a diamond necklace, another small down payment, and meanwhile they continue to supply you and your lovers and friends, and then the debt goes up, it rises, that old bastard couldn’t understand how much I NEEDED to have MORE money available, he took the liberty of prying into my finances to make a point about how my lifestyle seemed excessive to him. Come on, excessive? I have friends who go around with Arab millionaires, you have no idea the life they lead, I’m like a bum compared to them, I told him, but he wouldn’t listen, he muttered moralistic tirades about good sense, ethics, growing up, once he even talked to me about a JOB. I started laughing and walked out, but is this really funny? Anyway, now the problem is solved. Good, first the debts, then I’ll be able to buy that splendid apartment the filthy old man wouldn’t give me for Christmas; he wanted to enjoy his money, he wanted to spend his last years in peace, but how the fuck was I supposed to manage? As soon as I saw that apartment I let it be known among the “rich people” that they’d better keep their clutches off it, that it would be mine. Well, I can’t care too much about my reputation now. Even Sandro said he was going to leave. He’s used to spending time in the gym, snorting the high-quality stuff whenever he wants, free access to the joint account, restaurants every night, and I began to find myself in serious trouble—that stubborn old man, all his fault. Really, you could say he asked for it.
“I might try to see my children again, I know it’s not right to go and look for them when they’ve been adopted, it’s not right to disturb the equilibrium of young kids, but they might have the desire too, might like to know me, to understand that I wasn’t in any condition to take care of them when they were born, that I had big problems, and the new families might have a bit of compassion and decide at least to let me see them, to find out if they’re well. We’re waiting for your cousin, right? There’s not much time left, it’s rushing by. I understand, seeing what happened. On the telephone she believed it about the robbery, right?”
Of course she believed it. She believed it so completely that she repeated the special offers of my telephone service provider. There is no cousin to pick up, but in about fifteen minutes we’ll go to the track where the regional train passes, and a slight push will be enough, you might even slip by yourself but I’ll help you, happily, you’ll end up under the train, and they’ll find your foul body mangled and almost unrecognizable. Almost. I’ve managed to stick a couple of Grandfather’s coins in your purse and a card from the restaurant he always went to—it will be easy to connect you to him. I’ll be set, and so will you, basically, you poor derelict, you’ll have stopped suffering. You’ll die knowing you’ve done the world, and especially me, a favor by getting rid of that old man. He terrorized my parents for a lifetime with his despotic claims, he made my father a worm, with no balls and no will power, my mother an unstable neurotic who kept herself going with drugs and clinics, he sent my brother off to the United States. He allowed me, it’s true, a comfortable life, but it was always as if he were giving me a handout, as if I should be content like a dog that picks at a bone with a piece of rubbery meat attached; that’s how I felt, that old man was throwing me crumbs the way you throw birdseed to the pigeons, he thought he could humiliate me with impunity, at his pleasure, with that sadistic, distant little smile. Now he’s lying in the enormous living room of his gloomy but (it’s true) very beautiful villa, all those super-sophisticated alarm systems were of no use to him, I’ve always known the maid’s day off, she’s been with him for decades, more a slave than a housekeeper. I showed up at the gate timidly, saying I was with a friend, half a bottle of sleeping pills in his usual glass of port (incredible how alcohol enhances the effect of benzodiazepine), and everything unfolded naturally, without a hitch. He’s lying beside the desk in the big living room, I don’t know anymore how many floors or how many rooms the villa has, set in its vast park, cared for by a crowd of gardeners, I’ve never been interested, maybe that will go to my mother, but I know for certain that all the real estate, the stocks, and the money in the bank go to me (my brother’s had a trust fund for years). Mama can keep the villa, she and I never see each other, I can’t stand her crises and her sense of victimhood, and I could never live in the same place where he lived, ate, burped, peed, and where now he lies with bits of brain matter scattered over the expensive carpet. Drowned in a pool of red blood. Oh, no, really, I couldn’t.
“Excuse me, have you looked at your watch?”
I was lost in my thoughts. Grazia wipes her mouth and points to my wrist. She’s right, it’s time.
“Gracious, it’s late. Shall we go to the track?”
She nods, sways as she gets up, perfect, she’s tipsy, swaying, and more ravaged-looking than usual. The waitress must have finished her shift because, with my fifty-euro bill, I pay another girl, one I hadn’t noticed, and she doesn’t seem to really notice us either; luckily I put on this scarf. I take the change and head to the exit, I check the track on the board, she’s dawdling, I take her arm, we can’t be late, and in fact we aren’t late, the timing is absolutely perfect, she holds on and smiles at me, she stinks of poverty and empty hopes, and I can’t wait to be free of her.
“I told you my daughter must be fourteen by now? It’s true I don’t have a maternal instinct, but sometimes I wonder how she is, if she resembles me, what sort of life she has, maybe she even has a boyfriend, what do you think? Oh shit, I’m boring, eh, always talking, I don’t shut up for a moment, you’ve offered me a chance to change my life and I’m annoying you, wait, I’m going to trip, don’t hurry so much, please, not so fast. I thought your cousin always goes in first class, here I am, I’m coming, how beautiful Tiburtina is in the evening, it looks like it’s wrapped in v
elvet. Look, the train’s coming. Which car is your cousin usually in?”
I ignore her, I have to concentrate. The spot is perfect, I feel a drop of sweat beading my forehead, but I have taken a tranquilizer, I’ve got to maintain perfect self-control, I can’t make a mistake now, or it would all be in vain. She’s looking at the train, her back’s to me, she keeps asking about my cousin, I have to shut her up, it’s time, just a little push, I reach out my arm …
“Don’t move, stand still!”
They twist my arms behind me, they’re hurting me, the train’s coming, my heart is pounding, but what the fuck is happening? My plan, my project?
“What’s happening, sister, the police, but what in the world? Tell me…”
There are four of them, they’ve put handcuffs on me, they lead me out of the Tiburtina station, pushing me, separating me from her. Grazia disappears from view, I stagger, I feel lost, then I recover and confront them: I try to say that they don’t know who they’re dealing with, they cannot even REMOTELY imagine who they’re dealing with, that I belong to one of the most important families in the city. They aren’t listening to me, it’s disgraceful, the whole station seems to be blocked off, everyone’s looking at me, I’m a freak to all these derelicts, an amusing sideshow. An itching sensation spreads along my back. I was supposed to carry out an act that would allow me grandeur for the rest of my days, and I’m reduced to an ordinary criminal, even that despicable Bulgarian whore looks at me and laughs, she roars with laughter, showing broken yellow teeth, Grazia was right, she was really right about the Bulgarians, about the Romanians, about this woman who took advantage of her good faith and robbed her, oh, she was right, because Grazia is my friend, no, she’s not human waste, I never thought so, I had respect for her, you shit whore, you hurt her, I’m yelling that she hurt my friend and shouldn’t have, then I spit on her, and I don’t care if the cop on my right gives me a painful slap, my family’s lawyer will take care of her, a prince among lawyers, who will come and get me out of this mess, the spit hits her in the face, when I see Grazia I’ll tell her, I want her to be proud of me; the truth is, I’ve never had a friend like her, not even in high school. Okay, I wanted to push her under the train, help her slip, drunk as she was, but I would have done it unhappily, the circumstances were beyond my control. I’m almost glad it didn’t happen, I miss her company, let’s hope that they don’t put me in isolation, that they let me stay with her. I’m not very talkative myself but I really like listening to her, and she’s never quiet, I unfortunately have this voice that talks to me inside and a different voice that comes out of my mouth and says almost nothing, so I’m confused, but she, Grazia, she’s tough, someone who knows her business, she even got Biagio to give her some shoes, thanks to a simple handjob, a hundred points to my friend. I could never make grandfather understand how much I needed the increase in my monthly check, a bonus and that apartment, I could never explain to him that he HAD to get it for me, otherwise he was going to shatter my life, shatter everything I had, I insisted, I talked, I insisted; instead, life is so simple, a handjob at the right moment is all you need, all you need is knowing what to use when you have to do something, and when you have to do it you do it, she taught me all that, I MUST see her again, hear her talk …
“You’re in trouble, signora, serious trouble.”
Night descends over the tracks at Tiburtina and if you watched carefully you would see that it really looks like velvet.
Epilogue
We’re in an anonymous room at the central police headquarters in Rome. A policewoman is talking to a woman who, it seems, is forty-two years old and is wearing a scarf, along with high-heeled sandals, a low-cut sweater of a light color, under which can be seen a pale bra, and a peasant skirt. Concealed behind a tinted window, several people observe the scene: the lawyer for the woman, whose name is Selvaggia Torri Livergnani; the vice-commissioner; one of the policemen who found the body of the grandfather, the well-known Count Edoardo Torri Livergnani; one of the policewomen who made the arrest; and a psychiatrist called in by the lawyer. The vice-commissioner speaks first:
“Sir, we found Count Livergnani lying on his back on the floor of the living room in his villa. The maid informed us, she’s still in a state of shock. We hurried to the place and found fingerprints all over the crime scene, obvious signs and clues leading to the granddaughter, without the shadow of a doubt. We wanted to be sure, and we located her as she was heading toward the Tiburtina station. We followed her; she sat by herself for more than an hour in the bar, talking to herself, a jumble of disconnected fragments that attracted the attention of one of the waitresses, whose signed statement I have here. Then we understood, with conclusive evidence, that Signora Torri Livergnani intended to throw herself under an arriving regional train that was headed to the Termini station. At that point we were obliged to proceed to the arrest. I hope you see, sir, of course we understand the family’s grief and would like to treat the case with maximum discretion.”
“I understand perfectly,” the lawyer says calmly. “But you see, and you can hear too, that she keeps asking about this imaginary friend Grazia, and when she’s alone she talks to her and she answers, addressing a ‘she’ who isn’t there, as if ‘she’ were the one who had actually committed the crime. What do you say, professor?”
“There will have to be an examination, but it strikes me as a clear case of split personality. If she’s faking, she’s a phenomenal actress—she should win an Oscar.”
“Yes,” the policewoman comments, speaking up, “she should win an Oscar if she’s faking it. While we were leaving the track at the Tiburtina station she spat in the face of a Bulgarian woman, saying it was for what she had done to Maria Grazia, but we found no trace of any Maria Grazia. In the car, as we were bringing her here, she kept asking about this Grazia. Then she became silent for a moment and in a strange voice said, ‘Don’t worry, sister, they won’t separate us.’
“Furthermore, I should add that Signora Torri Livergnani had camped out at the entrance to the Tiburtina station for several nights, and had already been removed once by the transit police, who also checked her documents. That’s it.”
“You can see that this is a very disturbed person, especially with the addition of these details.”
Most of them nod in agreement.
Behind the glass, the woman, left alone, smiles.
“Really, sister? You spat at that Bulgarian whore? I’m proud of you, you were great. Now it looks like we’re going to have some problems, eh, I understand, I’m not stupid, but I’m sure your powerful, wealthy family will get us out of this trouble as soon as possible, filthy rich people like you certainly don’t need a scandal. They’ll give us a hand, right?”
You can be sure of it, Grazia, you can be sure.
WORDS, THOUGHTS
BY MARCELLO FOIS
Via Marco Aurelio
Translated by Anne Milano Appel
From here I can barely glimpse my soul, nor do I know how long my sojourn may be, since death draws near, and life is fleeting.
—Francesco Petrarca, “Canzoniere LXXIX”
I
Six hours later …
They took a break around 6 in the afternoon. Outside the window of the interrogation room a perverse sun warmed the stones of the Colosseum. Marchini was one of those people who endured the heat with a kind of depressed resignation. To Curreli that same heat felt like the overly doting embrace of an unwelcome relative. What can you do, the commissioner said to himself, glancing at his watch: ten after 6, 104 degrees in the shade, who knows what the humidity is … another missed flight.
—Weren’t you supposed to go home? Ginetti said, in fact, coming over with a folder.
—I missed the flight, was all Curreli replied.
Ginetti was all too familiar with the tone of such responses. So he merely handed over the folder without even opening it and said, It was her, I’ll bet my motorcycle on it. Fingerprints everywhere. She trie
d to wash them off, but you can tell she wasn’t too much of an expert on domestic cleaning.
—Is that it? Curreli asked, seeing Marchini arriving with a cold soft drink in his hand.
—I thought you might need one, Marchini said and handed the can to the commissioner.
—It’s not all, Ginetti said, as Curreli began to feel the coolness of the can radiating from his hand to his wrist. A look of gratitude was the most Marchini could expect from the commissioner for his good deed, and indeed that was all he got.
Curreli nodded to Ginetti to continue. Marchini was fanning himself, holding his arms out from his torso and brandishing them as if he were a Sumo wrestler about to land a blow, or a king penguin ready to leap off the rocks.
—She wasn’t alone, Ginetti informed them.
Marchini seemed surprised, then immediately concealed the fact, seeing that Curreli, by contrast, didn’t bat an eye.
—That’s what I thought, Curreli confirmed, gulping down the contents of the can. What was that stuff? he asked.
Marchini smiled. Chinotto, he replied expectantly.
—I like sour orange, Ginetti remarked.
Curreli made a grimace of disgust. I think sour orange is revolting, he said, but with no particular emphasis.
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