by Dana Arama
I could have told him I had gotten tired, but in truth, I was mentally exhausted. Those strikes against the workout pads made me feel closer than ever to my goal. When Sergey's face was under my fists, I realized that Guy was right. There was a lot of training to do. "What you taught me now was karate?" I asked in frustration. I knew that karate would require years of training to get the skills I needed.
"No. What you’re learning is Israeli Krav Maga. It combines different types of styles."
“Is it better than karate?”
"It’s more suited for everyday self-defense needs. It’s based on some exercises that you can adapt to a variety of situations, and is more aggressive. Because it’s important for us to give you tools as quickly as possible, I think Israeli Krav Maga will suit you better.”
I was happy with his response and felt some of the stress evaporate. "You know what?" I said, giving in to my tiredness. "I really feel the need to shower now. We'll talk again in the afternoon, okay?” I turned and walked away without saying another word.
***
Two hours later, I went downstairs again. I knew he had just entered his room. His wet footprints had not yet dried. He had placed the jewelry I left in the pool area on the dining table. I did not know what his thoughts were when I left abruptly, but I knew that my swollen eyes would testify on my behalf. I needed this release so that I might continue to practice with equanimity.
I went to the kitchen and heated water for coffee. I focused on whipping milk as if it were the most important thing in my life.
"Will you share your coffee with me?”
I jumped. Drops of milk spilled on the counter. "Do you always sneak up like that?"
He laughed as he took the same seat at the counter that I had used only a few hours earlier.
"I had no intention of sneaking anywhere. I just wanted some coffee.”
"Frothy milk?" I wiped up the spill and stretched my hand out to take more milk from the fridge.
"No. Black coffee, simple, and in a glass, like in the commercial."
What commercial was he talking about? I was reluctant to share with him that I only went back to watching TV recently, and then only for a few minutes. I set out a glass of steaming black coffee like I used to give my father, a cup of whipped coffee for me, and sat down across from him. "If you want cake, I'm sure Esther’s prepared something and put it in the fridge.”
"Yes, I saw. I also brought the rest of my mother's cake. Do you want some?"
"No, thank you." For a moment I felt embarrassed. Had I not told him he could eat whatever he found in the fridge? "You know you can eat whatever you want, right? You don’t have to bring food from home."
"Of course. But there’s nothing like my mother’s cake!"
I smiled. "You want to train me again today?"
"Sure. If you feel that you can, certainly. By the way, you mentioned Esther. What’s her job?"
I wanted to say, “Esther is the woman responsible for my existence today.” Instead, I said, "Esther’s the housekeeper - cleaning, arranging, cooking, getting the mail, and providing everything we need so the house can function."
"How many times a week does she come?
"As needed and at her convenience. A minimum of three days a week.”
"How many years has she been working for you?”
"Are you asking about her loyalty? For me, she’s a substitute for a mother.”
He eyed me curiously as he took a sip of his coffee. "Where did you find her?"
"I was very young when I lost my parents and my sister in a car accident. At the end of the funeral, when I went to the car, I felt lost and I collapsed. From among the graves, Esther suddenly appeared and picked me up. Like an angel." I smiled and added, "I was almost the same age as her daughter, whom she had just buried. We both suffered from loneliness. Since then, she has always been by my side at the right time.”
He was not impressed. "Apart from her, who else works here? Who has a key to the place and the codes?"
"Ahmed, the gardener; he only has the code for the outer gate. And you."
"Small team. Good. Ahmed works alone?"
"Yes. That was my condition. For a long time I didn’t want to see strangers around me.”
"Great. Perhaps that's why they haven’t returned to hurt you. A small long lasting team is also more loyal. And really, these are regular people. You can always threaten them." He seemed lost in thought. His big hand stroked his short hair. I noted that it was thinning on the crown. "I’d like to go through the house and check it out. We should see where the weak points are."
"You're getting ready for a threat that has yet to come. You're making me nervous."
A shadow of a smile passed over his serious face. "If there’s no threat, then fine, but if there is, I'd rather be ready. This threat is no laughing matter."
"Okay, then, let's get back to the room to practice."
"That’s the spirit we need." Without another word he was on his feet. Now he really smiled.
I put the empty glasses in the sink and stepped outside.
***
Again we stood in the exercise room. Outside, heat and humidity competed for control of the air, so I turned on the air conditioner. My feelings were completely different from those I had just a few hours earlier. Defeat was gone and I was willing to work hard.
We stood facing each other. "I want you to learn about internal and external protective moves. Hit me in the face and I’ll demonstrate them for you."
I raised my hand as if to hit him. In one swift movement, he flung it away from him. "That was an external protective move.”
The second time, I tried to surprise him and brought my fist toward his stomach on purpose. He stopped me by sweeping a hand in the opposite direction. “That’s an internal protective move.” He said nothing about running contrary to his instructions. I felt his blocking move so well, my forearm began to hurt where it had had intersected with his. I grimaced in pain.
"It’s pain that you can overcome. You have to overcome it. Whoever attacks you won’t be gentle. It will hurt and you have to continue to do what’s necessary."
"I know. You didn’t hear me complaining, right?"
A fraction of a smile appeared on his face and rapidly disappeared. "We’ll focus on external defensive moves today.”
I opened myself to take in every element of movement as I tried my best to imitate him. We repeated the movements over and over again.
"I know it's not a dance, but it too needs to be rehearsed. Only by constant practice can the body act instinctively whenever necessary."
"I'd rather be dancing," I said, blocking his attack, "but dance won’t help me if someone lays a hand on me.”
He focused on my eyes. “You’re starting to look determined. People’s eyes can reveal all!”
We continued to rehearse the movements until they began to come instinctively to me. I was like an eagle chick who understood in a minute that he could fly and in the next that he could find his prey all by himself. I knew that, from now on, I'd rise up and summon the motivation to pursue my goal.
I gritted my lips when the pain in my muscles made me slow down my movements. It seemed as if Guy was everywhere, his agile hands attacking, touching and yet not touching me. The movements that had begun as a slow, polite dance had become fast and frightening.
"When you’re attacked, you’re in a different state of mind - extremely so.’ He was talking in a normal tone, not at all breathless from the exercise. "I want you to practice for as many dangerous situations here as possible, so that you can handle them no matter when they happen.”
"I need a break!” I replied. “I have to drink some water. There’s no point in killing me before I get attacked, right?" I smiled and went to get a drink. He waited patiently in his place. I quickly returned to the same position for some more sparring practice.
"Good. You worked really well. Now we should stop. Bear in mind that tomorrow you'll feel like your
whole body’s tied in knots. We’ll work accordingly."
“That’s tomorrow. Right now, I feel more energetic than when we started. And hungry.”
"Good. Go get ready and I’ll get us some food.”
I sated my hunger with a hearty meal. I could feel the rampant weariness in my limbs. I was hoping that I would sleep well, but it was not to be. I was exhausted, but felt keyed up as soon as my head hit the pillow. Around midnight, I gave up trying to sleep. I slipped on a robe and went downstairs in darkness. Out of habit, I went to the liquor cabinet, but I stopped myself when I remembered my new situation. I held the door open and peered inside. The best bottles of alcohol promised me instant peace of mind at the moment but self-loathing in the morning. I managed to convince myself that just one glass might help me sleep and I reached for the first bottle on the shelf. I stood there for a long time with my hand on the neck of the bottle until I finally let go. I closed the cabinet door and sat down in a comfortable chair. The trembling that seized me was out of control.
As I sat there, I heard Guy's door open. A beam of light coming from his room was rapid and transient. I remained sitting in the dark. I wondered if there was a silent witness to that war I had with myself just a moment ago. Without being aware of my presence, Guy left the house and headed toward the pool. When he jumped in, I was again drawn to his graceful movements. They gave me a sense of relaxation. The scene was magical. He looked like a dolphin as he made his way gracefully through the water. He had not swum twenty laps before my eyes grew heavy and I went back upstairs to bed.
Chapter 9
On Sunday, right after breakfast, we went to the garage. There were three cars there. They spoke eloquently of my ravaged family’s once prestigious position. The smallest one was Robbie’s. It had waited patiently for years, but he never got to drive it. He had passed his driving test only two days before he disappeared from my life forever. A month before that, we had gone to the company that imported cars to Israel and let him choose his first car.
"Take care of yourself, son,” Dan had said to him.
"Don’t worry, dad. I’ll be very careful." Robbie tried to hide his excitement, but I knew him well. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweaty jeans and pulled them out before he opened the hood. He asked the salesperson all the right questions, concealing his excitement beneath a neutral, scholarly tone of voice. Then he got behind the wheel and smiled. I loved him so much at that moment even though he looked so much like Nathaniel.
"This car will correct his mistakes while driving," Dan whispered in my ear.
"How?"
"Improved brakes, an array of sensors that keep the car in lane, air bags..." It was evident that he had done his homework, like Robbie.
"Good. This is important. We bought some peace of mind.” I said, but concern for the well-being of my son swirled inside me, as if I knew that this would be the last moment the three of us shared. I did not know then that the car was a purchase beyond our financial capabilities.
Robbie’s driver's license came after he could no longer drive. I did not let anyone touch his car except for the mechanics. They came every few weeks to maintain my little fleet. This was another of the tasks that Esther had taken on, assuming that soon the day would come when I would want to go out for a drive.
Closest to the door was my Lexus. Nearby was the Cayenne that Dan was driving on the day he and my son disappeared from my life. Each car evoked bitter memories.
"The keys are here," I told Guy, pointing to a drawer. "Choose what you prefer to drive."
An amused expression formed on his face. “A hard choice, Gabi, but the trunk will decide it for me. I choose the Cayenne.”
My heart did a flip-flop, but I nodded in agreement.
When Guy fired it up, music began to play. It touched me in a soft spot in the center of my heart. It was a disc I bought for Dan many years ago, when everything was great. We visited a romantic restaurant and he fell in love with the music played there. The next day, I went back there and I found out where to buy the CD. It was a ‘homemade disc’ the restaurant owner said, and after much persuasion, he agreed to burn a copy for me. I remember how I snuck into the parking lot reserved for the Israeli Diamond Stock Exchange and managed to convince the guard to let me in without a swipe card. I put the disc into the system and waited impatiently for Dan to finish his day's work.
He had replaced several cars since then. I was not aware that he had still loved this music. I wondered what was going through his mind when he decided to actually listen to it on the last day of his life. Did he know what I was about to do? Was he trying to hold on to our good moments? Thoughts of blame came back at me like an aggressive fly. I looked away. I was sure my face was flooded with anguish.
"This music okay, or d’you prefer the radio?" Guy asked. His tone of voice did not indicate he noticed my mood. I chalked him up another good point to join the one I gave him for refraining from mentioning last night’s events.
We came back from our shopping trip with four training mats on the roof of the car and the trunk full of bags, including training pads, knee pads, gloves, and other equipment that it would never have occurred to me to buy.
Esther was still at the house. The kitchen was tidy again. Baskets arranged on the counter were full of juicy summer fruits and the fridge was full of dishes she had made. I knew that she had made sure the rooms were tidy and aired. I had started to open the letters waiting for me on the counter when Guy entered the room. As if it was natural to him, he opened the cupboard, took out two glasses, and filled them with cold water.
In the last hour, I had started to feel the pain Guy promised me. I sat down with a square card in my hand. I was well acquainted with the black card, the gold words and the elegant logo. In past years, I had loved attending the special closed concert that was thrown for the donors of the Rubinstein competition. The donation was still transferred to the sponsors annually, despite the upheaval, and with it, invitations continued to flow. For years I ignored them. The elite of Israeli society would be there - all those people I had once thought of as friends until evil crept into my life and exposed them as fair weather friends. The invitations stopped coming after my ordeal began. I was an embarrassing guest, because people did not know what to say to me. I later found out that Nathaniel had taken our place in society, filling his dead brother’s shoes. I tried not to be wherever he was.
"Take it,” Guy said as he held the glass out to me. “You didn’t drink enough today. You look pale."
Without a word, I placed the invitation on the counter and took the glass from his hand.
He read the invitation. "I’ve been thinking about this situation. I don’t know your world well enough. I don’t know where you spend your time. I think I should join you in your trips outside in the near future and get to know your lifestyle and habitat."
I smiled. "You already opted in. You're here with me, in my natural habitat."
"Now you’re being clever with me. I want to know better what we have to deal with outside. What do you say?"
He opened the refrigerator and took out a beer. I saw Esther had made sure to fill the fridge with beer. I was happy about that. With this, she signaled to him that he was welcome, and also that she supported the process I was going through. I wondered how she would react if she knew what was really behind my new behavior. I did not plan on turning the clock back and properly returning to the outside world, so his offer surprised me.
"Don’t expect too much activity in my life," I muttered more to myself than in reply to him.
"That way I can be next to you if something happens." He sipped his beer, looking pleased with himself.
I was pleased. Threats inherent in my past would deter anyone else. "Now that you know everything, and we’re being honest with each other - how come you’re not flinching from this job?" I found myself looking at him as if he were under a microscope, carefully studying his responses.
"Flinch? No way! O
n the contrary, now I know that there is an actual purpose to this job." A shadow of a smile appeared again on his face.
He seemed so enthusiastic that I decided not to share that, in recent years, I had broken away from my so-called friends and from all social activities. I considered my plan and concluded that returning to the world required a return to the gala evenings and glamorous parties. I had no reason for celebrations, but being out in the world was an integral part of my plan - the part that I was reluctant to tackle.
"Okay, you asked for it - you got it! On Thursday, there’s a concert in honor of generations of Rubinstein Contest winners. A very nice evening for an audience of donors; you’ll see for yourself that no danger lurks there."
He smiled. "I guess jeans are out of the question, right?”
"No jeans and no sleeveless shirts." I smiled and refrained from adding, "Although it emphasizes the right part of your shoulders and makes you look great.”
My smiled widened. "You need a suit and tie."
"Oh. I didn’t think of that.” He put his hand around his neck in a choking movement. "Ties choke me." It was the first time he really smiled.
"There’s no backing out now!"
I thought his smile suited him very well. I also thought he would look good in a suit. Dan's would not fit him, though. He was gaunter than him. "Do you have a suit?"
"There’s one at my parents’ house. I could drive up there tonight."
"That’s out of the question, Guy. Let me take care of it.” I realized that my return to the social world would also mean I had to go to State Square, to the same store that Dan used to visit. Going shopping and attending the concert would be like being doused with icy water. There would be nothing better to strengthen my resolve to resume my journey than Guy’s presence.
