On the following day, Paul went back to what had been the home of Betsy and Sean to see if there were any baby things she had made for the child. He decided that if there were, the baby ought to have them. When he opened the door of the house, he was met by the stark reality of evil. Sean's body lay on the kitchen floor. He found the gun lying nearby where it had fallen. He also found a note on the table written in what he knew to be Sean's hand. "I have decided to take my life. I have sinned against God, Betsy and my family. I have also brought shame to Fair Hill and to the Meeting. I do not ask for forgiveness. It is not deserved." This was the result of unchecked sin. He collected the few small things he found which Betsy had made then rode to the Sheriff in Newport to report the suicide. He then took the news to Jared Johnson. Jared thought it best to quietly bury the body and then tell the Meeting. So he and Paul rode back together and buried Sean.
Paul then returned to the Becker farm. "Betsy was right," He told his parents upon entering. "Sean returned to the farm after her death and realizing what had happened, he killed himself."
Amy's face grew pale and Andrew put aside the harness he was mending. "Did thee say he killed himself, son?" He asked horrified.
"Yes. He left a note on the kitchen table. Then he shot himself."
"We must pray that this is the end." Amy announced firmly. "We cannot allow such things to happen in our midst and call ourselves Christian people! We must work against such horrible goings on."
"I tried too stop it before it went this far, but no one would listen to my warnings," Paul said, his despair evident in his voice and in his face. "Now this little one is without parents and Daniel has lost a daughter. Also, the Murphys have lost a son. I wish I knew why such things are allowed to happen! I don't understand. Now I think I know why Barbara wasn't sure there was a God."
"Thee must not lose thy faith over this, Paul," His father warned. "Thee has the child to think of now." He did not answer. He felt shattered into small fragments that could not be put back together. He didn't want to think about anything just then. All he could do then was feel. All he could feel was pain.
* * *
The days went slowly and monotonously. Paul took on most of the care of the baby, insisting it was good for him to have the care of her after what had happened. Paul was still unsure what he would name her but it was evident to the entire family that he loved her very much.
"He has decided to give her the care and love he couldn't give Betsy," Andrew mused one evening as he sat with Amy in the kitchen watching Paul with the baby.
"She's an easy one to love," Amy said smiling warmly. "She's a beautiful child and very even tempered. She has been a remarkable addition to the family already. The child was only a month old now but strong and healthy. Doc said that her having been born early was no longer a problem. She had been well taken care of and would suffer no ill effects.
One cool evening in early October, Paul went to the Hansen farm to talk to Mike and Lydia. He took the baby with him, knowing Sarah and Lydia would be glad to see her.
"She's so small," Mike said as Paul unwrapped the child and put her in Lydia's arms.
"She'll be all grown up before we know it," Sarah said bending over Lydia's shoulder to see.
"She looks like Betsy," Lydia said thoughtfully. "But she may have Sean's red hair."
"I think it's going to be more like Betsy's brown hair," Paul said touching the baby's head lightly. "I'm thinking of naming her Elizabeth. What does thee think?" He looked at Lydia as he spoke.
"I think it's fine to name her for her mother," Lydia agreed. "But thee must go on with thy life too. What is thee going to do now?"
"I haven't decided yet, Lyddy, but I have something to tell thee and Mike. I almost forgot to tell thee."
"What's that?" Mike asked with interest, taking the child's small hands. She curled her hand around his finger and held on. "She's strong," he added.
"Betsy told me to tell both of thee to try and get the farm she and Sean had. She said she thought Daniel would sell it to thee at a fair price and it's good land. She wanted thee to have a place of thy own. It's up to thee what thee does about it, but she wanted me to tell thee. I almost forgot."
"Thee has had a lot to think about," Sarah said putting a loving hand on his shoulder. "It was very good of thee to take this child and raise it. Has thee told the authorities? Is thee going to adopt her?"
"Yes. I've talked to the sheriff and we're working on it. Daniel says he won't stand in the way as he doesn't want the care of the little one. I'm going to legally have a daughter soon."
"Then thee ought to have a wife too," Lydia said firmly. "She needs a mother."
"Doesn't thee think that I can raise her myself with the family's help?" Paul asked.
"I think thee can do whatever thee sets thy mind to," she began. "But I also think thee needs a wife more than she needs a mother."
"I don't think I'll ever marry, Lyddy," Paul said as if it were already a foregone conclusion.
"Well, there's no need to worry about the future now," Mike put in, knowing that Paul was still in much pain about Betsy's death and wanting to spare him.
"Will thee try for the farm then?" Paul asked, giving Mike a grateful smile.
"I don't think so." Mike said taking the little girl from Lydia. "I think we're going west in the spring. Want to go with us, thee and Elizabeth here?"
"West where?" Paul asked.
"Well, I was talking to Karl Meyers the other day. He says he wants to go to North Dakota and start another general store. He thinks some of us should go with him so that there'll be a Meeting."
"I hadn't heard he was leaving."
"I think he plans to talk to thee, he was just waiting until thee felt more up to socializing. Now that he knows thee has been here, he'll come and talk to thee, no doubt." "Next time thee sees him, tell him I'm interested in talking to him, at least," Paul said. "Who else is going?"
"I don't know who else he's talked to but thee can ask him."
They sat on and talked further of life in Fair Hill then Paul reluctantly rose to leave. "It's been good to be here, thank thee both," he said, wrapping Elizabeth warmly in a blanket against the cooling air. "I'll be back soon. Come when thee can and see us." They promised they would and sent greetings to the Beckers. When Paul reached home, he found his father still sitting up by the kitchen fire.
"I am glad to see thee spent the evening with the Hansens. " He said as Paul entered the kitchen and took a chair near him.
"It was good to see them and they liked seeing the baby."
"Has thee named the child yet, son?" Andrew asked.
"What does thee think of my naming her for her mother?" Paul asked seriously.
"I think that's fine. Elizabeth or Betsy?"
"Elizabeth. I don't want her called Betsy. She will be either Elizabeth, Beth or some other name but not Betsy."
"I understand," Andrew said, his face full of concern and love for his eldest son. "I know it's been very hard for thee to lose her. Even if she wasn't thy wife, thee loved her and it's always hard to lose someone we love. But I'm glad to see thee going on with thy life."
"It's still one minute at a time, Father," Paul admitted. "Sometimes when I look at her I can't bear how much she favors Betsy. But other times, I am thankful she does."
"Is thee praying again?" Andrew asked after a pause.
"No, not now." Paul replied honestly. "I don't pray."
"Then it will continue to be difficult for thee," Andrew said sadly. "Thee must ask for help and strength to get through this."
"Ask whom?"
"Ask God. Thee still believes. I know thee does. Under all the hurt, anger and grief, thee still believes. If thee is not going to raise that child as a Christian. Then thee should give her to Mike and Lyddy or some other Christian couple."
"Betsy asked me to raise her. I will."
"Yes, but Betsy was sure thee would raise her knowing and loving the Lord. If thee cannot do
that then thee should let someone else take her."
Paul said nothing. Under no circumstances would he let this little one go. She was all he had left.
Andrew seemed to read his thoughts. He rose and took the child from Paul's lap. "She is not a thing," he said firmly. "Thee cannot own her as thee can a farm or a horse. She is a human being with a spirit. She must be allowed to know God. Thee can decide for thyself whether to believe. But thee cannot decide for the rest of us. Karl Meyers was here tonight. He said he's leaving in the spring for North Dakota. Mike and Lyddy are going with him. He wants thee to go too. I told him to talk to thee about it. But if thee is not going to give this child the chance to know Jesus Christ as her Savior, then when thee goes, thee must leave her here with us."
"I will not go without her." Paul insisted.
"Then thee should search thy soul between now and then." Andrew said, carrying Elizabeth upstairs.
Paul followed soon after but did not take the child from the cradle which Andrew had moved to the room belonging to himself and Amy. Perhaps Paul wasn't the best one to raise her. Perhaps he should give her to Mike and Lyddy to raise. After all, they were married and Betsy would understand. Paul was about to get ready for bed when a light knock sounded on his door. he opened it to see me, a candle in my hand and a slight smile on my face. "I hear thee went to see Mike and Lyddy this evening," I said gently. "Can we talk for a few minutes?" Paul stepped aside and I entered, closing the door softly behind me. Paul gave me the chair by his desk and seated himself on the bed facing me. "Is there a problem?" He asked as I set the candle down and folded my hands in my lap. "No, not with me," I began. "Thee is the one with the problem now."
"Barbara, I know I preached a lot to thee when thee first arrived here. I'm sorry I did that. Please do me the favor of not doing it!" Paul pleaded.
I put out a small hand and took his. "I'm not here to preach, Paul, I'm here to talk. Is that all right?"
"I'm sorry, yes, of course it's all right. What did thee want to talk about?"
"I overheard what thy father was saying. I want to discuss it with thee."
"Discuss what? Thee isn't going to tell me I should get married too, is thee? Lyddy said the same thing earlier tonight."
"Is marriage such a bad idea?" I asked. "And if so, why?"
"Marriage would be fine if I felt led to and knew who it would be that I would marry."
"I don't think thee'd meet with any objection from any of the unmarried girls in Fair Hill, Paul." I said. "And there are a few of us still."
Paul was shaken by what I had said. "Thee is talking about thyself, Barbara? Suggesting that I marry thee?" he asked in surprise.
"Is it that unthinkable?" I asked holding his hand more tightly. "Thee did come to New York to bring me home. Thee must have some feeling for me."
"I can't deny anything thee says, Barbara. But there are two things thee must remember. One, I am still very much feeling the loss of Betsy. It wouldn't be fair for me to marry now and expect thee to watch while I grieved for another woman. And two, thee is called to become a nurse. Thee mustn't let anything or anyone stand in the way of that." "Ah, then thee does admit that there is a God who called me to be a nurse?" I asked with a gleeful laugh.
"I admit that thee feels called to be a nurse. I'm not sure of anything else."
"Well, be that as it may, thee told me once that if God wanted me to be a nurse, I would no matter what. Paul, at least give it some thought. It's the perfect solution to the problem. I already love little Elizabeth."
"And her guardian?" Paul asked hesitantly.
"And her guardian as well," I said, rising and coming to sit beside him. "Paul, thee must know that I love thee or I wouldn't have suggested this."
"And what if I should decide to go out west with Mike and Lyddy and the Meyers and the rest? Would thee still want to be with us?"
"Yes, and it would solve everything. Will thee think about it?"
"I ought to scold thee for being so forward about such things," Paul said, unable to keep from smiling.
"But thee won't because thee knows it's not forwardness but forthrightness. And thee knows I'm right."
Paul laughed out loud at this remark and hugged me for a moment. "I know thee is wonderful to even think of doing this when it means giving up thy desire to become a nurse." he said gently, still holding me.
I looked up at him and smiled warmly. "I haven't said anything about giving up anything. It will all work out for the best."
"Then let's say good night and get some sleep. I'll think about it, I promise."
I thanked him and took up my candle. "See thee in the morning then. Thanks for listening."
The door closed softly behind me. Paul was left in the darkness of his room. He lit the lamp beside his bed and sat in his chair for some time, pondering what I had said. Barbara Scott, who could have had everything she ever wanted from her Aunt Sheila, was suggesting that she marry him and go out west. This was indeed a strange turn of events. Paul found himself wondering as he got into bed and stared up at the ceiling whether Betsy had known this would happen. He decided as he drifted off to sleep that she probably had.
* * *
The next morning, Amy was fixing breakfast when Paul came down. She turned from the stove when he entered and asked if he had gotten any rest.
“Yes, Mother, more than usual," he admitted. "Did Elizabeth sleep through the night?"
"Yes, she's been very good. But she's awake now and very hungry." They heard the baby from upstairs and Andrew's gentle voice as he talked to her.
"I'll feed her while thee helps thy father with the chores." Amy added. "I'm glad thee got some sleep." He started out toward the barn.
Paul found me there already collecting eggs. "Thee is up early," he said coming up beside me. "And already working."
"Yes, I woke up earlier than usual this morning," I told him. "I was thinking about last night."
"Wishing thee hadn't said what thee said?" he asked gently.
"No, wondering what thee was thinking," I answered. "I meant what I said.
"I'm still thinking about it." Paul told me as he started feeding the sheep. "I still don't know whether it's a good idea for thee to consider leaving. Thee should go and ask thy Uncle for help to continue with school once thee finishes here. Thee would make a fine nurse."
"Perhaps." I replied absently. "I'll see."
Paul went to Karl Meyers' father's store later that day and told Karl that he would go with them to Dakota territory in the spring. Karl showed Paul maps of the area to which they were going. The town around which they would live was called Mapleton. He wanted to have a store there. He said the land was good for wheat and maybe for apples as well. Paul felt excited by the prospect of starting an apple orchard and wondered if Andrew would let him take some seeds from the farm.
"Is thee bringing the baby?" Karl asked after they had looked at the maps.
"Yes. I will be bringing Elizabeth." Paul answered. "She's legally my daughter now." "It's going to be hard to start a farm and take care of a little one that young by yourself, Becker." he pointed out. "Maybe thee should let Lyddy and Mike raise her."
"It's too late for that now. I've already gotten legal custody of her. I'll manage somehow."
When Paul left the general store, Doc Wilson hailed him from the steps of his office. "Got a minute? Doc asked as Paul stopped and turned in the direction of Doc's voice. "Sure, Doc, is anything wrong?"
"No, not this time. I just want a word with you if you can spare me a minute or two." Paul went to the bottom of the steps and Doc beckoned to him. "Come on inside where it's quieter," he added opening the door. Paul followed him into his sitting-room where they took chairs. "Want some tea?" Doc asked before seating himself.
"No, thanks, I'm fine."
* * *
Doc seated himself then and began. "What's the real reason you won't marry Barbara?"
"It's always like thee to get right to the point, isn
't it, Doc?" Paul wondered why he was so surprised.
"I always felt it was the best way," Doc said leaning back in his chair. "Now, what's your answer?"
"I just don't want her to regret going clear out there and missing her chance for a further education. Her Uncle would help her in any way he could. She should go on." "Nursing schools are not going to teach her anything she doesn't already know, son," Doc told him. "She wants to go with you and help build a home out there. I think the both of you need that a whole lot more than she needs nursing school. She's going to do fine out there. She can still help folks a lot just with the medical knowledge she's already gotten. I doubt if there's anything more I could teach her myself. And besides, out there, there may not be a doctor. She may be all the medical help there is. So folks aren't going to care if she's had formal training. All they're going to care is whether she can take care of them. I went before the meeting last time there was a meeting for business."
"I know. Father told me. I wasn't there and he didn't tell me what thee talked about. What was it?"
"I have discussed the possibility of Barbara's going with you often with Barbara. She really wants to go. She loves you very much. Anyway, when I was sure she really intended to go, I went to her Uncle and asked if he would help send a few medical supplies with her when she went. I went to the meeting to ask if they would like to contribute to the cost of the supplies too. They all agreed and gave me the money the next day. With that and the money I've gotten from Mr. Scott, I could outfit her pretty well for her work there. The meeting has promised continued support as has her Uncle. Now all I need is for you to agree to take her with you. Then I can tell her all this. She doesn't know any of it yet."
Paul was taken aback by doc's declaration. His last objection to my going with him had been summarily destroyed. "What if I said that I didn't love her, Doc and didn't feel it was right to marry her under those circumstances?" he objected.
"I would have to ask two questions, Paul," Doc said rising and facing the younger man. "One is, why aren't you being honest with either yourself or anyone else. And the other is, why are you being so self centered? It's not like you at all. You have to think of Barbara and of Elizabeth here. Anyway, I've told you how it is. You have to make the final decision now. "I'll get the supplies when I get the word from Barbara. If you decide not to allow her to go, I'll give the money back to the Meeting and to Mr. Scott. But I think you should know that many people will be disappointed."
The Secret of Fair Hill: A Refuge in Fair Hill Book 2 Page 15
