Anyhow that’s how I feel and I am sure you would rather know how I feel than how I didn’t. Apart from that I did enjoy being at Greenwich, it was wonderful being there.
Paddy is at the moment still in hospital with this advance pregnancy sickness, and she was heartbroken at having to turn down what for her was the start of a new career in sound radio. However, she will write to you when she is better in hopes of perhaps doing something in the future.
My regards to you all, life is hell, what’s your excuse?
Spike Milligan
Sydney Bernstein, Esq.
Granada Television Limited
London W1
26 October 1966
Dear Sydney Bernstein,
This is just a try on. I am trying to organise a green room for the artists at the Mermaid Theatre, and was wondering if an exchange for a plug every night on the show, you would like to loan us a television set for the stage staff and the artists to enjoy when they are not actually working.
If you do not acquiesce to this threat, I shall have to have words with Harold Wilson to put pressure on you, who might easily transfer you to the Conservative Birthday Honours List.
Anyhow,
Regards,
As ever,
Spike Milligan
Roy Jenkins, Esq.
Home Secretary
Home Office
London SW1
20 December 1966
Dear Roy Jenkins,
This is a plea at Christmas to try and help quash a prison sentence for someone who has broken their probation, his name is Ian Hewitson.
He has been, and still is a schizophrenic, constantly under treatment from drugs, and as if this is not enough burden for one man to carry, he is also a homosexual. He has been appearing in my play The Bed Sitting Room at the Mermaid Theatre; at all times he is so kind and sensitive and always willing to do the right thing.
I feel even though he has broken the law his mental suffering is so great that it in itself is a life sentence. If what he tells me is true, he spent a night with a 20 year old boy/man at a hotel, but apparently the mother of the boy/man in question said that he only had the mentality of a child of ten.
Ian Hewitson was put on probation but apparently he has broken this and must go into prison. I wonder as today the homosexual bill (Mr Leo Abse) has been passed unopposed, can you possibly see your way to easing the sentence for the man in question.
I will be willing to stand bail and I am sure that he would not break it if he knew it was me standing bail for him.
You can always contact me at my office at 9 Orme Court, London W2. Phone No. PAR 1544.
I have never written to a Home Secretary before, so I might as well take the opportunity of wishing you a Merry Christmas.
Respectfully,
Spike Milligan
M. F. Cunningham Esq.
Mechanical Copyright Society Ltd.
London SW16
5 May 1969
Dear Mr Cunningham,
With reference to your letter of the 30th April, Mr Edgington is talking rubbish, he actually wrote the music for NING NANG NONG. I myself certainly cannot accept the fee for the work of the composer, and it would be wrong.
He is a very simple man and does not want to be bothered with filling in forms, and office work.
I have spoken to him and told him he will have to accept money for his compositions, and I have offered to fill in the forms for him, and he has agreed to accept the money.
Will you please find enclosed a fresh form for NING NANG NONG agreed by him and me. If you will forward all the monies to this office I will make the payment to him. This will simplify things and make life easier for everyone.
Would you please let me know if this is all acceptable.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
The Rt. Hon. William Whitelaw MC MP
Secretary of State for Northern Ireland
68 Whitehall
London SW1
29 March 1972
Dear Mr Whitelaw,
I recently wrote a letter to the Stormont Government, with no political motives in mind, requesting permission to go to Long Kesh Internment Camp to entertain the internees.
They understandably refused me, but in the new consideration of phasing out the internees of Long Kesh, it might make pleasant publicity with the new attitude in Ulster, and I would be able to come most any time that was suitable to the authorities concerned.
I must emphasise I am not doing this for personal publicity, but I think it would be good for the whole new vista being set up in Ulster.
I do hope you allow me this privilege.
Respectfully,
Spike Milligan
The Rt. Hon. William Whitelaw MC, MP
Government House
Hillsborough
Northern Ireland
5 April 1972
Dear Mr Whitelaw,
Thank you for your letter. I understand the situation. However, can you still help me?
I received an anonymous Christmas card from one of the internees at Long Kesh, and in some way I would like to reply and thank them for sending it to me. Is there a notice board which the internees read, on which the attached letter could be pinned.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
Long Kesh Internment Camp
5 April 1972
Dear Lads,
I received an anonymous Christmas card from Long Kesh, and this note is to thank whoever it was for that card, and give my belated Christmas greetings.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
Nikolai Lunkov Esq.
The Russian Embassy
London W8
20 January 1975
Your Excellency,
As a socialist, and an extreme left wing socialist, I do find that the Soviet Union’s attitude to the Jewish Community in Russia rather unhealthy. Basically, there is no point in retaining somebody who does not wish to belong to the Russian community. It is economically, politically and humanitarianally much better to (a) deport them or, (b) emigrate. To retain them in prison also is ill received in the world press at large. I do hope you might consider the importance of what I say, and I mean it not only in the best interests of Russian Jews, but also in the best interests of Russian society themselves.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Harold Evans Esq.
Sunday Times
25 April 1978
Dear Harold,
I would like you to know that I support you totally in your magnificent and highly moral fight. To uphold certain principles, which in essence are the voice of truth, and it’s high time that such effort was made. To penetrate this medieval wall of hypocrisy and quasi truths and half moralities which are really so archaic that the people who support them (this case the House of Lords) are totally out of touch with the essential quality which makes man the one creature that can reach out for the perfect truth.
If in any way I can help, do let me know.
Again I send you my warm regards for this splendid fight.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
The Sunday Times
200 Gray’s Inn Road
London WC1
2 May 1979
Dear Spike,
God bless you for your quick and perceptive response to what happened in Strasbourg. If the opportunity is seized it is a tremendous chance to let more light into the dark corners of this country. The English judge who voted against us is, incidentally, the man who not only thought that caning was okay but said that when he was at school he enjoyed it. Never mind. The Italians, Cypriots and Germans and other despised races came to our rescue.
All that is required now is somebody to wave a magic wand and get the Management and the Unions to agree to print our paper.
Regards,
Harold Evans
Editor
Ken Livingstone Esq.
GLC
Leader of the Council
County Hall
London SE1
16 June 1983
Dear Ken,
Whilst I was away I had a telegram from Anthony Graham saying that Coombe Cliff was safe.
If you were involved in this, along with Tony Banks, would you please pass on my thanks, and also for tolerating all the insults.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
P. S. So they didn’t blow you up when you went there.
Peter Cookson Esq.
4 March 1982
Dear Master Carpenter,
I have received your bill for two million pounds for putting the shelf in the carsey. I did find this a bit steep, not the bill, but the angle of the shelf. So, I will be going to the International Lending Fund to raise the two million to pay for this job.
In the meantime, I’m sending you £80, not £70, as you asked, but £10 will cover inflation while the money is in transit.
I will be considering your charges for leaping on and off walls, drinking tea, and being attacked by the house cat.
You will be hearing from my Solicitor in the morning, which is more than I bloody well do.
I am keeping your letter because it’s so funny.
As ever,
Spike Milligan
[The reason the master carpenter’s letter is not here – Spike really did keep it.]
Alan Edwards Esq.
Barclays Bank plc
95 Queensway
London W2
2 November 1983
Dear Alan,
I hear, via Norma that one of the 4½ million unemployed has broken into your bank, and of all things, stole the money, and left the furniture.
Find enclosed £1. sterling to start things off again.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Jim Slater Esq.
General Secretary
National Union of Seamen
London SW4
9 November 1983
Dear Jim,
Just to thank you and all your men for your enlightened attitude towards the dumping of waste in the seas. I do not see why working class men’s organisations should not be involved at every level; it’s their environment.
In Australia Jack Mundy, who was head of the Builders Union actually took part in conservation by banning any building from being pulled down by his organisation Greenbelt. Large areas of Sydney and Australia were saved thanks to that workers union.
Alas that movement has gone into decline, but I was just pointing out that working class socialism should be in the forefront of all matters concerning their own country, and areas of the world that are pertinent to it.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
Gareth Gwenlan Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
Television Centre
London W12
10 April 1984
Dear Gareth,
I thought, as you have nothing to do, the enclosed might help.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
[He sent Gareth a box of Britain’s soldiers. The scene shifters were on strike. There were pickets outside the BBC.]
British Broadcasting Corporation
Television Centre
London W12
10 April 1984
Dear Spike,
I have sent half the soldiers out to the main gate to sort out the pickets. I have given the other half red jerseys in order to give them training for next season.
Thank you for your kind gift.
Gareth Gwenlan
The Editor
Guardian
18 June 1985
Dear Sir,
This letter is not for publication, it’s just to say that amid all the blood of football, and the agony of hijackers, what a sheer delight to see the photograph of PC Adams enjoying a lunchtime treat while guarding the test wicket.
It brought a great amount of light into my day.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Richard Hearsey Esq.
London Weekend Television Limited
South Bank Television Centre
London SE1
1 July 1986
Dear Richard,
How extremely kind and compassionate of you to send me two bottles of anaesthetic. Having found a soft touch at last I will be informing you of all my future illnesses as and when they arrive.
Again, thank you so very much.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
The Editor
Grimsby Evening Telegraph
17 May 1988
Dear Sir,
I was watching a programme on BBC2 on the Grimsby fishing industry, and I could not but say, after I had seen it, how much I was in admiration of those men involved in the fishing trade in Grimsby.
It is a pity the government is not as anxious to pump money into this industry as in British Leyland and other companies who seem to constantly lose money.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
The Editor
Jewish Chronicle
26 July 1989
Dear Sir,
I cannot but comment on the bureaucratic indifference and in many cases inhuman reaction to the cause of identifying War Criminals in England. I resent a Government that out of tax payer’s money commissioned people to investigate a case to be made against Nazi crimes. A long investigation takes place, the report states categorically that the crimes committed by these men, not against one person or against thousands, but millions, shows enough evidence for these men to go before a Court of Law. The moment it comes out The Labour Party says ‘It is too late. They won’t be able to get witnesses from Russia or Estonia. Forget it.’ Likewise, the Home Office, who were instrumental in commissioning the report then start to say ‘Oh no, we still can’t bring them to justice – we have to ask Parliament.’ To put it plain this system is arse about face. Why didn’t they ask Parliament first, whether if evidence were brought to show they should be brought to justice, and on the strength of the yeas or nays, then to proceed before spending the tax payer’s money and that would be a positive project. No, it is all open to any amount of odds.
I think that those concerned with this wishy washy thinking should have spent six months in Auchwitz. I think it would have done them good.
Yours faithfully,
Spike Milligan
Baffled Tax Payer
M. Ruzek (His Excellency. Czech. Ambassador.)
Dear Excellency,
I am an Irishman, whose country fought a long bitter struggle for freedom, and so I speak with understanding of the sorrowful state of your own people. But, in the darkness let me point to small shafts of hopeful lights that are starting and have started to glow.
First, the fact that Czechoslovakia, is spiritually as a nation undefeated! By your restraint in the face of prompted Russian violence, you have turned their military occupation into an empty victory, to the watching world, there was nothing so comic, as Russian tanks, bristling with guns and aggression, with nothing to fight! It was like a lion tamer, cracking his whip in an empty cage. They were praying that you would take up arms, so they could have (like Hungary) a blood bath, while they said ‘See, we have proved that they were Fascist reactionaries’? Instead, they were surrounded by unarmed peaceful citizens, mothers with babies, young students with flowers, all asking ‘Why have you invaded us’ – and not one Russian could give an answer. What a victory you had against violence, the first since Gandhi and his non-violence started the undermining of then the most powerful nation on earth. England, without firing a shot. Today, England is in decline, and India starting to grow. Again, the occupation has split the Communist World, that in itself has weakened Russia, and Russia herself has made enemies she never had before, and among Communist Countr
ies and Parties everywhere – in France, Italy and others as you know. The sacrifice of Jan Palach set alight not only his funeral torch, he made a light that will never go out, and a pall of smoke that will however eternally over those men in Russia on whose head it will rest for eternity.
So take heart, restraint, faith, courage must and will one day, destroy the aggressor – with patience – time will remove him physically, even though you may not believe in God, these words from the bible have strength ‘When the strong have devoured each other, the meek will inherit the earth.’
My regards and love to you and your people,
Spike Milligan
Ron Todd Esq.
General Secretary
TGWU
London SW1
2 August 1989
Dear Ron,
I would just like to say I sympathise with you and what I think is very pernicious background moves by the Dock Authority, to whittle away through emotional and financial blackmail at your dockers.
I think you are going to have to give in to the current situation, but I do think you might have to have a total new rethink as to how to go about it in future to avoid the dockers being picked off by the Dock Authority.
Anyhow, I know my letter doesn’t help, but I just wanted to let you know I support your cause.
If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know and if I can I will.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Ms Janet Paraskeva
England Director
National Lotteries Charities Board
London WC2
8 April 1997
Dear Janet,
Begging letter number one million. I am Vice President of the Rye Rugby Club and to put it bluntly they are skint and desperately in need of funds. We have no grand stand or facilities for showers, changing rooms etc etc.
£3 millions would do or something approaching it.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Spike Milligan Page 13
