Chapter Fifteen
Maggie rolled over in bed and blinked at the empty spot beside her. She smoothed her hand over the rumpled sheets and stretched as the bright morning sun filled Richard’s large master bedroom—their bedroom. A sense of peace filled her belly when she remembered last night. Richard woke her once when he slid inside her, tender and gentle—a slow ride full of love. He kissed her long and deep and explored every inch of her. This time a deeper connection linked them together and opened a hole she sealed long ago in her heart.
She wiped away the tear that slid down her cheek when fear licked at the hope she had for something good and strong with Richard. Maggie had buried her pain behind a wall of nothingness for so long, she didn’t know if she was strong enough to take a chance. Where was this going, anyway? She wiped the front of her face with her hands, feeling anger at these cowardly thoughts. But then she knew her heart would never survive another tragedy or Richard turning his back on her again.
She loved Richard—she knew it in her bones. In fact, through all of this, she’d always loved him. But the ghost of Lily remained here in this house, on this land, and forever between them. How was it possible to get past all the cruel and hurtful accusations, the blame—an obstacle between them. At least it was in Maggie’s mind. After merely surviving for fourteen months, she wondered if she was strong enough to expel the desolate emptiness that filled her heart and head. She knew she thought too much—always had. Her stomach rumbled while she lay naked, curled up under the warm duvet. After all, she hadn’t eaten anything last night.
Maggie showered and dressed in a peach sweatshirt and blue jeans and then wandered into the kitchen to find it clean and restored to its original show home condition. Richard was a stickler for keeping everything organized and tidy.
The coffeepot beside the sink was full. Her favorite pink and white mug was sitting beside the pot. She filled her mug with the dark roast blend. The aroma was intoxicating. She took a heady sip and gazed out the kitchen window at the empty spot where Richard’s truck should be, and then out over the acres of land and forest on this property. She really loved this place.
Maggie was sitting at the kitchen table chewing a piece of toast when she heard Richard’s truck pull up. Her heart hammered a little harder when she heard both doors open and close and Ryley’s incessant chatter. She flattened her hands on the table and scooted her chair back when they strode through the back door together. Richard searched her out, and for a heated minute, his bright eyes connected with hers, and she was positive he sensed her need to run. Ryley hesitated only a second before hugging her where she perched on the edge of her chair. And when her little boy—big boy—pulled away, he was grinning ear to ear as he glanced back at his father.
Richard dumped his keys on the kitchen counter.
When Ryley glanced down at her, his innocent eyes darted in a hesitant way as if he remembered something that bothered him. “Dad said you weren’t feeling well. You okay now, Mom?”
Richard and she never discussed the pills, and she didn’t know what he told Ryley. She’d never taken them around him. And she kept them stashed in the medicine cabinet with all her toiletries. He was only eleven years old; he couldn’t know.
“Your mom’s still a little tired. So don’t push her, Ryley. Okay?” Richard tossed his tan jacket over the back of the chair and gripped Ryley’s shoulders.
Ryley leaned into his dad, an exchange and bond they shared without her that tripped a deeper loss inside Maggie’s heart. When had this strong-welded change happened? Ryley had always been her boy. They used to share dreams, have long talks. But then she realized she couldn’t remember the last time they sat together as she listened to what he said. Her heart tore at the growing gulf between her and her child—because she didn’t know how to fix it.
“Maggie?”
“Huh?” She blinked and gazed up at Richard.
“I asked if you ate. You okay?”
Ryley peeked around his dad watching her, so she forced a smile for his benefit.
“Dad said he’s going to make a big breakfast, I’m starving.” Ryley rattled on, and Richard glowed as Ryley wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged him again, and the entire time Richard’s eyes were fixed on Maggie.
She picked at her fingernail and then reached for her empty mug on the table. Ryley dumped his red and black jacket over an empty chair and tore out of the kitchen, bounding up the stairs to his room while shouting, “Call me when the sausages are ready.”
He never acted that off the wall with her. He was quiet, watched TV, played his Gameboy, read, and went to bed.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Richard placed a frying pan on the burner.
She stood up with her mug and walked the long way around the kitchen island to the coffeepot.
“Maggie?” Richard dumped sausages in the hot frying pan and then pulled the eggs from the fridge and a loaf of bread from the freezer. Richard had always been good in the kitchen, and watching him now, she couldn’t figure out what to do. Where to be, where to stand.
“Richard, I don’t belong.”
“What are you talking about?” He popped two slices of bread in the toaster. He continued making breakfast, cracking eggs in a bowl and whipping them with a fork.
“I lost Ryley.”
He dropped the fork in the bowl and set it down. He stepped around the island toward her. “What are you talking about?”
She couldn’t stand still. Her throat burned, and those damn never-ending tears blurred her eyes. “He…with you there… never does that with me.”
Richard shook his head. “You lost me…?”
“Then you hugged and joked and talked, and the way he took off, excited, up the stairs shouting for breakfast… And even the other night when I left… the way you two were talking. He doesn’t do that with me.” She couldn’t stop the choked sob, but shoved a shaking fist to her mouth to try to silence it. Don’t let Ryley hear. The warning echoed in her head.
“Shit, Maggie, is that what this is about?” He pulled her roughly to him, and she pressed her face into his chest to stifle her sobs.
She clutched at his shirtfront and held tight even when she pulled back. The fresh air from the outdoors lingered with his scent; he smelled so good. She realized she depended on Richard, and he was fast becoming her crutch. And that may not be wise.
“Maggie. I didn’t want to get into this now. But you put a wall up with everyone… including Ryley. After Lily died, I wasn’t much use, but I pulled it together cause I saw how bad our boy hurt. I let you take him. But Maggie? You didn’t see him.”
Richard held her shoulders, and when she tried to interrupt, he squeezed her gently. “Let me finish. I think it’s time this was said. You don’t realize how bad he still hurts. Did you know he blames himself for Lily’s accident?”
“What! It’s not his fault. It was mine!” She covered her mouth with her shaky hand. “Was it me? Did I blame him?” She rested her palms on Richard’s biceps.
“Stop the blame. You’re going to have to talk to him. And if he says something that hurts, you’re going to have to deal with it. No more running away and hiding. You scare him.”
She blanched and stepped away. Richard didn’t try and stop her.
“What?”
“I didn’t say it to hurt you. You need to take a hard look at yourself. How long has it been since you stopped living? You popped pills to get through the day, then pills to sleep.” She felt the heat in her cheeks and knew her face must be bright red. She covered her ears with both hands and stepped back again, but this time he stepped closer and pulled her hands down.
“You were so whacked out, you didn’t know he gets night terrors, did you?”
Her stomach felt as if the bottom dropped out, like on one of those free falling rides at the fair.
“I won’t let you hide anymore. You’re off the pills. You need to start living again. You can’t keep hiding and pulli
ng the covers over your head. It sucks big time. We got dealt a shitty hand in this life. And there are still days I curse God for the cruel joke he played on us. You know I even believed God was mad at me for all the sketchy things I did with Dan, and that was our punishment. We lost our little girl. It’s horrible. But life goes on. And do you know what?”
She was trembling and mesmerized by the tears glistening in his magnetic blue eyes.
“I hurt, too. Every day I see her, but I hold her inside me, and I’ve learned to go on. Ryley needs me. He needs you. But if you keep pushing him away and wallowing in self-pity and your pain, baby, you’re going to lose him for good. And he’ll hate you.”
The smoke detector beeped. Richard jumped back and hurried to the stove as smoke from the forgotten sausage billowed. He turned off the burner and moved the pan, and then disengaged the alarm on the ceiling behind Maggie.
“Dad, Dad!” Ryley shouted while racing into the kitchen. She didn’t miss the fear that pierced his voice as he reached for his dad.
“Whoa, it’s okay. I just burned the sausage.” Richard laughed while he held Ryley tight and rubbed his back. This time when Richard looked over at her, she saw the warning and how fragile her boy really was, and with it came self-recrimination. What a bad mother she was for turning on him. Why hadn’t she seen the signs? She couldn’t touch him now. He wanted Richard—not her. And she was afraid to find out if he’d push her away. So she stayed safely where she was.
“See? They’re perfect, just the way I like them. Why don’t you go wash up, and this time I’ll start the eggs. They’ll be ready to dish up by the time you get back down.”
Ryley didn’t spare her a passing glance, but she saw how shaken up he was. It wouldn’t take much to set him off. Her kid needed help. He carried an awful burden, and she now realized, in all her grief, she’d forgot about his.
Richard grabbed her arm. “Don’t. You’re not going to creep away, to take this on too, and hide out and lick your wounds. Suck it up, Maggie. Talk to him.”
She gazed longingly at the door as terror filled her and made her want to run outside and hide. Richard must have seen it too, because he raised his eyebrows in a way that sent a clear message: he meant what he said.
The toaster dinged, and Ryley raced back in the kitchen.
“Butter the toast, Maggie.”
She couldn’t speak, so she nodded. At least doing something helped her to stop thinking. She’d worked herself up so much, she’d become untouchable.
Chapter Sixteen
Maggie clutched a damp cloth and scrubbed the last remnant of jam from the round oak table. She volunteered to clean up after their late morning breakfast so Richard and Ryley could take off for a few hours on the ATVs. Ryley followed his dad, revving the powerful four-wheeler and taking off, a little too fast, south on an old trail at the back of the property that led onto an old logging road near the state park.
Breakfast had been tense, but Richard remained vigilant through everyone’s anxiety and kept the stilted conversation flowing. She felt like a guest and through each bite, stared obsessively at Ryley. She knew she was making him nervous when he gawked at her with big startled eyes each time the conversation lagged. Richard covered her wrist with his supportive hand and squeezed gently. That was enough of a reminder to pull it together. But her mind continued to reel, desperately trying to find a way to bridge the gap between herself and Ryley.
The telephone rang, and she dumped the rag in the sink, and after wiping her hands on a dishtowel, she grabbed the cordless phone. A quick glance at the caller ID display, she read Private Number. “Probably someone just selling something.” She hesitated for one ring wondering if she should answer. “Hello.”
“Richard…” Static crackled in the background.
“No, he’s not here right now. Can I take a message?”
But the strangely familiar male voice was impatient. “No, I’ll call his cell.”
A rude disconnect clicked in her ear. Uneasiness burned her stomach, and she grabbed the counter to settle herself. No, it can’t be.
But then the phone rang again—same display, Private Number.
“Hello, Dan.”
“Hey Maggie, how’s it going?”
“What do you want?”
“I’m sorry, really sorry, about Lily. I never got a chance to tell you.”
He hadn’t changed. And for a second, she could almost believe his sincerity as his deep voice took on a soft edge of caring, which made you want to believe. Except, all his smooth kind words were a mirage. Because she knew better.
“Um, listen. Richard isn’t answering his cell, and I really need to talk to him.”
She closed her eyes. She should hang up. “Sorry Dan, he’s not here. I don’t know when he’ll be back.”
“So, are you two back together? I heard you split up.”
Fight the urge; don’t confide. He made it too easy to slip into a false sense of comfort where you wanted to tell him everything. Except that would be dangerous.
“I’ll tell Richard you called.”
“Not going to answer me? I’m sure after everything you’ve been through, things are pretty shaky between you two. I told Richard the same thing the other day.”
It felt like she swallowed her heart, a heavy lump stuck in the middle of her chest, and instinctively, she gasped aloud. Then she winced knowing he heard. “He didn’t tell you? Maggie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize… I shouldn’t have said anything. I just thought… well I would’ve thought Richard told you. Why would he keep that from you?”
Damn you, Richard, don’t you be involved with him. “Actually he did, I just forgot. He raced out of here in a hurry the other day late. I guess I just forgot it was you.” She wasn’t any good at lying. This was a game Dan played well. She really had no business stepping into his arena. A snake, he changed his colors as rapidly as a chameleon and would strike when least expected.
He laughed. “Well, he was late. Okay, so maybe I was wrong.”
Oh fuck! Richard, you stupid idiot I’m gonna kill you when you get home. “Yah, can you remind me what the meeting was about. I’m forgetting things lately.” She winced.
Dan let out a heavy sigh. “What are you doing? Don’t play games with me. Richard needs to be careful with you… I’m sure he’s got a good reason for not telling you. But I meant what I said. I’m so sorry for your loss. It can’t be easy for you. And if you ever need to talk… any time, I mean it. I’ll bring over some exotic beer, and—”
“I’ll tell Richard you called.” She hung up and slammed the phone down on the counter. He was slippery with that soothing compassion he could turn on and off. She trembled because she scared herself with how much she wanted to confide in him, even knowing what he’d done to her, Sam, Marcie, and Richard. What was wrong with her? “Richard, you stupid idiot. What the hell are you doing bringing him back into our life?”
She punched his cell number into the phone, but it went right to voicemail, “Hi, this is Richard, you know what to do.”
“Call me as soon as you get this, Richard. Dan called.” Maggie knew that, when Richard was in range and listened to her message, he’d come home. What worried Maggie was what business Richard had slipped back into with Dan.
Chapter Seventeen
Several hours passed and still no Richard. Maggie paced the kitchen and then the living room until she was sure she’d worn a path in the hardwood floor. Unable to wait patiently like a good little girl, she searched Richard’s office—the spare room just off the living room—and rummaged through each drawer of his big mahogany desk and the bookshelf. When she yanked the top drawer of the file cabinet, it was locked, and she searched everywhere for the key. And all she’d been able to find were receipts, invoices, and work orders. Nothing that would give her a clue as to what Richard and Dan were involved in. With Dan, it would be something not quite legal.
“What’s this?” Maggie slid out a folder from the bottom
drawer of the file cabinet. In it were insurance papers for a new Chevrolet full size, extended cab truck, registered to Dan McKenzie. “What the hell’s this?” She scattered the file on Richard’s desk and jumped a foot when the phone rang beside her.
“Hello.”
“Maggie, I just got your message. We were out of cell range. We’ll be home in ten.”
“Richard, what are you doing with Dan?”
“Maggie… don’t. If he calls again, don’t talk to him. We’ll discuss this when I get home.”
“Richard, you know better than to get involved with him. I found insurance papers for a truck with his name on it. Why do you have this?” She clutched the papers and waved them in the air as if he was standing there and could see them.
“You searched my office?!” Richard snapped.
“You bet I did. Last night you tried to—”
“I’ll talk to you when I get home.” He hung up. The dial tone buzzed in her ear.
Maggie stared at the phone in disbelief just before she heard the roar of two ATVs. Maggie dropped the phone on the desk and hurried to the kitchen door, just in time to see Richard and Ryley drive into the barn. Richard ruffled Ryley’s helmet hair, and he hugged his dad and then ran to the huge sand pile beside the barn where his large Tonka trucks were piled.
From the Heart: Romance, Mystery and Suspense a collection for everyone Page 29
