by Stella Duffy
Telling everyone that was the case didn’t actually make it true. And now you’ve turned into this English rose parody – and sure, the soft pastels really suit you, as if you didn’t know – but pretending to be the vicar’s wife doesn’t actually make it your truth.”
“Very nice.”
“Very true. I’m just suggesting you take a look at who you really are.”
“Happy to, as long as you’ll take a look at yourself. We’re all here because you’re terrified that Janine Marsden is going to expose you for what you were back then. And maybe even still are. But while the rest of us might be able to deal with a few home truths, this wonderful life of yours couldn’t possibly accommodate reality. So don’t start with me, because if anyone knows quite what a bastard you are, I do.”
Eventually Daniel broke the silence, “Ah, look, if you two want to go upstairs … sort this out between you? I’m sure Saz and I will be fine for fifteen minutes? Twenty?”
Saz rounded on him. “It’s not funny, Daniel. We’re all dealing with some horrible stuff from way back.”
“Actually, I think it’s hilarious. You know, like those jokes we used to play on each other? The nasty interaction that passed for friendship back then, when Will always came out on top? Just like he’s trying to win now. See if he can’t shout louder than Andrea, flash more money around than me, play a more all-knowing twat than you … ”
“Thanks,” Saz spat back.
“You’re welcome. And he always thinks he knows better than anyone else, don’t you, Will? I guess that’s experience for you. Will Gallagher getting what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it. Well, almost always.
Once or twice we might have been a little busy to think about you.” He turned to Andrea. “Eh, Andy?”
Andrea had a sharp intake of breath at his words and it turned into a cold laugh, a shake of her head. “You’re good at this, aren’t you, Daniel? Fucking people over, twisting the knife?”
“Years of practice. Years of working out how not to come second. Or at least, to maybe look like I was coming second, but to try and win anyway.”
Will looked up from his still silent mobile phone. “What are you on about? At what point, Daniel, in your very ordinary life, have you ever done better than second? If that? Oh, other than your one big success of course – how long ago was it now? Five years? Ten?”
Daniel smiled. Lifted his wine glass to his mouth. “I don’t know, Will. Maybe the time I was fucking your girlfriend behind your back? Like pretty much most of the time that you were going out with her while we were at school? When she just couldn’t decide if you really were as brilliant a shag as you said you were? If she didn’t fancy someone who might have been a little less pretty, but a whole lot brighter?”
They were silent then. Andrea looked at her hands, twisting her wide wedding ring, the men glaring at each other. Saz thought they might actually start to physically fight and she wasn’t at all sure she’d be able to stop them if they did. Or if she could be bothered to.
Then Will smiled. “And did you think she was the best fuck in the school? I taught her as well as I could, you know.”
Andrea shrunk further back into the big armchair, humiliated by both men and the desperation of her teenage self. And Saz watched as Will seemed to grow in stature; not giving in to Daniel’s revelation gave him the strength he’d been lacking. But it was watching Daniel that encouraged her to speak. The old Daniel Carver would have backed down eventually. Made a joke about Andrea, would have wanted to maintain at least a semblance of an alliance with Will. But he didn’t. Saz knew Daniel had more still.
“I think there’s something else going on here. I think you know something, Daniel, something you haven’t told us yet. To do with Janine?”
THIRTY-EIGHT
Saz had to hand it to him, Daniel was cooler than she would ever have given him credit for. He looked at her over the rim of the wine glass he’d been holding to his lips for the past hour – holding she now noticed but, unlike the rest of them, certainly unlike Will with the whisky, barely sipping from.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sally.”
“Yeah, you do. Becky told me.”
“You saw her again?”
“This morning, on my way here. You fucked up, Daniel, you should have known better than to think she wouldn’t put out for a higher bidder. Or wouldn’t mind when she knew about you and Andrea.”
Will turned back from his view, head shaking, glass empty.
“Why would the girl care about Daniel and Andrea before she was even born?”
Saz shook her head. “You really don’t get it, do you? God, if it wasn’t all such a fucking mess, I think I’d quite enjoy seeing you like this, Will.”
Then she told them about Daniel and Andrea. And Daniel and Janine.
“What the fuck?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You and Daniel? Andrea – surely not? You and Daniel? All this time? Seriously?”
“You’ve seen Janine?”
“Why would you do this to us?”
Daniel had seen Janine Marsden at the school gates before the Easter break, before he left the school himself. He didn’t recognise her at first, saw a few of the kids giving her a hard time and told them to leave it out, give the old lady a break. And when he came closer, saw she wasn’t an old lady at all. And when he came closer still, he thought maybe he knew her from somewhere. It was the middle of the night when he remembered where from. He didn’t get back to sleep again that night. Gave her five quid the next day and had a word with the Head about the woman who was causing a nuisance at the east gate. And Janine was grateful for the money, though he didn’t think she knew who he was. And then there was the fuss when they found her staying in the Portakabin after the holidays; Becky told him about it, and Daniel had an idea. He went one night when the school was empty, found the woman and talked to her. It took a little while but he persevered. And she remembered him and eventually, after a good deal of time, after he’d helped her to find a place, Janine Marsden made a leap of faith and agreed with Daniel that it was time they all met up again, had a reunion. She made the first phone call to Will from Daniel’s flat.
“My God, Daniel, but you’re a cunt.”
Will launched himself at Daniel and the two men started beating up on each other. Taking it and giving it, punchbag bodies both. Saz and Andrea moved away from them into the adjoining sitting room, the shuttered doors between the two rooms open. They sat on the fat white sofa.
Andrea spoke first. “Do you want to do anything?”
Saz watched Will smash his fist into the back of Daniel’s head. “About them?”
“Yeah.”
“No. I don’t think so.” Will’s nose was bleeding, dark red down his white shirt and slippery on the spotless floor tiles. “I hate all this minimalist crap. It’ll look better when they’re done.”
When they were done was only another five minutes. Andrea looked around the room, the two men both bleeding a little, both bruised a lot, each collapsed into a fat armchair. The padded writing table and chrome standard lamp were lying on their sides, spooning each other. “And there I was thinking we were all the best of old friends. Feel better now?”
Will’s answer was swift, his voice thickened by his swollen mouth. “Yeah. He’s been asking for it.”
“You’ve been asking for it.” Daniel answered, stirring from his chair.
“We’ve all been asking for it,” Andrea said.
Saz shook her head, it was all too familiar, she and Andrea watching from the sidelines while the boys fought it out. “I can’t believe this is what you’re pissed off about. It’s like you don’t even feel bad about all that, what happened to Janine.”
“You know nothing about how I feel, Saz. You don’t know how any of us feels,” Will mumbled through his cut lip.
“OK, but I admit I’ve felt crap about all this for ages.”
Andrea answe
red her. “And you think the rest of us don’t?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” Though Saz did feel the other woman had touched on something of her truth, and her next words were harsher because of it. “We should have said something then.”
“Like what?” Daniel asked. “Would you have told the cops the whole story, or just the bit that put some of us in the shit and not you? Because it’s all joined up. Everything that happened, everything you did that led to what we did that led to what she did.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Will interrupted, his voice clearer with the effort to get his point across, “we were so off our faces half the time back then, I’m not even sure I remember it clearly anyway, that night or any of the others.”
“I do,” Andrea said quietly.
“No, hold on, let’s just check this out,” Daniel spoke over her. “Sally wishes she’d told the whole truth back then. Is that right?”
“I think so.”
“Oh, right, you ‘think so’ now? Because half a minute ago you were certain we were totally wicked, while you were more or less blame-free. You really think if you’d told the whole story that you’d have felt better about what happened to Ewan?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah, well I do. Will’s right. Some of the stuff we all got up to was bloody rough. Not just the shit about Janine, but the drugs and the drinking, and the sex. Stupid fucked-up teenage shit. Some of it was just taking the piss and some of it was well and truly illegal. And I’m really not sure you’d have been able to work out which bits to tell and which not. And that’s why none of us said anything.”
“Yeah,” Saz agreed, “and why all of us have been feeling crap about it for so long.”
“Maybe.” Daniel nodded at Will, slumped in his chair, “I don’t think Will’s thought about it at all. I think he left us lot behind and was perfectly happy to do so. He never paid the rest of us any proper attention.”
Andrea was incredulous. “Is that what all this was about? Having a go at Will because you want his attention? Because you’re jealous? Bloody hell, Daniel, if that’s your reasoning for bringing up all this shit again, then you’re fucking madder than Janine.”
Daniel shrugged, clearly confused. “I don’t know. There’s us as well. You and me … ”
Will looked up, “Yeah, let’s hear all about Andrea and Daniel.”
Andrea ignored him, glaring at Daniel, “Please don’t say you did it for me, that really would be taking the piss.”
“I didn’t not do it for you.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’ve always wanted Will. And hated him. Way back since we were kids you’ve felt like that. Even when you and I were fucking behind his back, all that time, he was always the one you cared about.”
Saz interrupted, “But, Daniel, why didn’t you tell us you knew Andrea when Will and I met up with you two weeks ago? Why the Aunty Jane story? Or was that all just part of your game?”
Andrea answered for him. “That’s probably down to me. I didn’t want anyone to know we still saw each other. I made him promise ages ago.”
Saz was stunned. “And that’s the one promise he decides to keep? Incredible.”
“So you two have been shagging all this time?” Will was laughing at them. “You really are a mess, Andy.”
Andrea rubbed her hands over her face. “We’ve seen each other on and off. There were times when I saw Daniel as – I don’t know – an escape maybe, from the life I’ve got myself into. But, you know, I never made the leap to him either. He’s right, I did always have a thing about you. An unresolved thing.” She sighed. “Feels like maybe it’s over now.”
“Lucky me, and so he’s been using Janine to blackmail me to prove his undying love for you?”
Andrea held up her hands. “I have no idea. Daniel?”
Daniel was fingering his cut eye, rubbed the red and swollen knuckles of his right hand. “It just all got carried away. I knew you were unhappy in the country, with Robert.”
Andrea shrugged. “I’m not satisfied, I’ve never been satisfied. I don’t think I ever will be. That’s hardly news, I didn’t realise you thought you needed to rescue me.”
“I wanted to help.”
“I didn’t ask for your help.”
“No, I know.” Daniel agreed, as if that was part of his problem. “But I tried to speak to Will about it. See if we could do anything for you. God knows, he’s got more than enough cash. He could have done something for you, you could have started again.”
“Again again, you mean.” Andrea shook her head. “And no, I couldn’t. One failed marriage is enough for me, thank you. I’ll put up with this one. But even if I was going to leave Robert, I certainly wouldn’t take Will’s money to get away.”
Andrea and Daniel looked at each other for understanding and found mutual incomprehension.
Will spoke up, “What are you on about, Daniel? You were never in touch with me.”
Daniel nodded. “I was. I left messages with your agent. I sent a letter. I left a note when you did some charity show in town.”
“And you think I actually get that shit passed on to me?”
“Maybe. Anyway, then I got your number.”
“How?”
“Some website groupie thing. This old lady sold it to me. She got it off a journalist. Cost me three hundred quid.”
“You paid for my phone number? So why the fuck didn’t you just call me?”
And as he shouted, Will finally realised Daniel had called. Remembered coming home, listening to the message and then wiping it that night, not interested.
“You should have called back.”
“Maybe. I don’t think you’d have listened anyway. And I was pissed off. And then I found Janine at the school, and I did help her, found her a place to stay, got her off the street. We talked a bit – she’s still pretty confused – but she remembers you, Will. And she certainly remembers Sally. It just started out as a gag, I was going to call you afterwards and tell you the truth, honest. I thought perhaps we could try and do something for Janine. I mean, it’s not all our fault she was living on the street, but … well, we are part of it.”
Daniel was asking for understanding for his actions, Saz just wanted him to get on with it. “So why didn’t you call Will back and explain?”
“He got scared. Really scared.” Daniel turned to Will. “I was listening to Janine talking to you and I could hear your voice on the other end of the line and you were totally freaked. At first I thought maybe we could just get you to give us some money, I’d pass some on to Andrea and she could leave Robert, I’d help Janine get herself sorted out … ”
“Christ, you really think you’re some kind of saviour, don’t you? Saving me, saving Janine,” Andrea spat at him. “And if Will had given you money for me, what do you think I’d have done with it? Run away with you?”
“Maybe. You might as well be dissatisfied with me as with anyone else. Anyway, that’s not what happened. The one time I tried to talk to you about leaving Robert, you went off at me and then I was pissed off at you too, and I figured I’d give this a go instead. See if I could do it. Freak you all out.”
Saz stared at Daniel, stunned. “And does it feel good?”
Daniel looked around at the three of them, his old school friends. Saz shaking with a combination of shock and fury, Will bleeding from the cut on his lip, his nose swollen and bloody, Andrea’s eyes red with tears. “I suppose I’m meant to say no, it wasn’t worth it. But you know what? You three have always been so fucking arrogant – you too, Andrea, you were never happy with any of your blokes, but you never even thought about taking me seriously – you all always thought I was a bit weird, not as good looking as Will, not cute like Ewan. You never took my work or my ambitions seriously. The one-hit wonder, always just not quite it. So yeah, actually, this does feel good. In a way. I really got you. All of you.”
THIRTY-NINE
Silence.
A car horn beeped outside, and another, a third, muffled by the careful double glazing. London carried on outside. The room was too warm. Saz was shattered.
“So what now?” Will was slumped in his seat, no longer making any attempt to deny his exhaustion or lack of sobriety.
Andrea stood up, picked up her bag. “Nothing. It’s all said and done. Janine clearly has more sense than the rest of us. We’ve given her an hour and a half. She’s not coming. I shouldn’t have either.”
Daniel stood up, held his hand out to her, “Andrea?”
“Finished, Daniel.” She looked around at the others, “Let’s not do this again.”
“But what about Janine?” Saz asked.
“Apparently you’re the one with the big guilt, Sally. You sort her. I’m going home. I won’t be seeing any of you again. I won’t be talking about any of this again. Goodbye.”
Will waited until the door closed behind her and then shifted himself painfully from his chair to the sofa. “She’s right, it’s all done now. You had your fun, Daniel, time to run off home to your boring ordinary life now.”
“Don’t push me, Will. I could still talk about this, you know … ”
Will kicked off his shoes, punched a cushion behind his head. “Yeah, you could. And you could talk about your part in whatever happened to Janine, how you used her back then and you’ve used her again now. Taking a woman off the streets and trying to involve her in a blackmail scam? Nice. Or perhaps you’d like to talk about this kid you’ve been shagging, that’ll look great on your CV. Or maybe you just want to write it all up and turn it into a screenplay? Your terribly interesting life?” He ran a hand carefully over his face. “Like Andrea said, it’s finished. Fuck off, mate. I’m going to sleep. Let yourselves out, yeah?” He lay down, turned onto his side away from them and closed his eyes.
Saz picked up her bag with shaking hands, checked for her phone. At the front door she turned to Daniel and said, “You’re not the only one.”
“Only one what?”
“You said Will thought he was better than you. But I felt like that too, about Andrea, about loads of people. Always did. Felt like I didn’t belong, couldn’t keep up with everyone else, that you were all judging me. And I know Ewan felt it, we talked about it once. I bet Andrea did too, even though she’d never say, not then, probably not even now.” She lowered her voice. “That’s why we found each other. Because we didn’t fit with the others and being together gave us somewhere to hide. But that’s not a big deal, Daniel. No one ever thinks they belong, not when they’re kids, not when they’re adults half the time. We were lonely and scared and fucked up simply because we were kids. That’s how it is. It was just safer being lonely and scared in a group.”
