Caroline was not going to guilt Grace into changing her mind; that was for sure. Her sister had a fiancé, a great job and a life in Virginia. Grace had nothing there anymore.
Grace helped Jake unpack his things in the guest bedroom, which her parents had unofficially deemed his room when he was born. Jake already had enough spare toys and clothes there that she really hadn’t needed to bring anything over from her apartment. It was all part of the perks of being the only grandchild, and Jake loved it. He occupied himself exploring his toy box while Grace moved into her childhood bedroom, complete with her old twin-sized bed.
Unpacking took up most of the day, and Grace was grateful for the hours passing so she could sleep in blissful unconsciousness. With each hour, she felt more and more guilty about skipping out on Jamie. Somehow, she hoped he would be able to forgive her for not calling. For leaving.
But truly, what did it matter? She was never going to see him again.
That realization hurt more than she had imagined it would.
The coincidence or twist of fate that brought Jamie back into her life would not happen again in her lifetime. Their love story was officially over.
It was time to move on. She wondered how long that would take this time.
Grace made dinner with the few ingredients she could find in the fridge. She put on a movie for Jake and watched the clock throughout the film, wondering how many times Jamie called her and how many voicemails he would leave.
She itched to turn on her phone and check her messages, but she didn’t dare. It was better for her heart not to hear his voice again, not to hear the hurt in it.
She had to remember the reason she was doing this: Jake.
Jake fell asleep on her lap and she brought him up to his new bedroom. She looked at his sweet, angelic face and wondered how Jamie could ever not love this little boy—how anyone could not want to be his father. Being Jake’s mother was the greatest blessing in her life.
Jamie would never appreciate that. All she needed to do was remember the fear in his eyes when he had seen her son for the first time, and she could get through the pain of losing Jamie again. She just had to hold onto that memory.
Mentally exhausted, Grace changed into an old pair of white flannel pajamas that she found in her childhood dresser and climbed into her old bed. She turned out the light to go to sleep but could only replay her last conversation with Jamie in her mind, over and over.
“You have a son.” She had wanted to say those words so badly. He had asked her about Jake’s parents straight out, giving her the opportunity to tell the truth, and she had wanted to so badly.
For some reason, though, she just couldn’t do it. She was so deep into the web of lies that she had spun that telling Jamie the truth was no longer an option. Instead, she had lied again, right to his face.
“Who is the father?”
It would have just taken one word, and everything could have been different.
Grace curled up under the covers, playing out a fantasy in her mind of the way things would have been if she had put it all on the line and told Jamie the truth. She imagined his anger, how he would have stormed out of the apartment, confused and hurt.
She would have cried herself to sleep, afraid of what was going to happen, afraid of Jamie fighting for custody and taking her baby away from her. Or, equally as horrible, of Jamie not wanting to be a part of their lives at all and leaving them to go back to his brewery and his bachelorhood.
But maybe he wouldn’t have done either of those things. It was only a fantasy, but in her mind she could picture it—Jamie sweeping her off her feet, pulling her into his arms, telling her that they were meant to be and that their son proved it.
Grace had Jamie’s kiss on her mind when she heard a pounding noise, breaking her from the spell. She left her bed and crept slowly downstairs toward the pounding, hoping Jake wouldn’t hear it and leave his room.
It was coming from the front door.
She stood in front of the door, heart beating wildly, wondering who in their right mind would be banging on it in the middle of the night. Then the pounding stopped, and she knew, just knew, that it was Jamie on the other side of the door as if there was nothing at all between them.
She checked the peephole and confirmed her suspicion. Full of emotion she couldn’t name, Grace reached out and turned the doorknob.
Standing in front of her, illuminated in the darkness and soaked with rain, was Jamie.
His eyes locked with hers, and she knew he knew everything.
Chapter 19
Grace held open the door and Jamie entered the house. There were no lights on, and when she closed the door to shut out the rain it left them in silent darkness.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His spoke quietly but with emotion. She was grateful that her eyes had not yet adjusted to the darkness so that she would not have to see the pain on his face.
Grace swallowed hard, her mind desperately searching for a way out. “Tell you what?”
“That I have a son!”
Her heart almost leapt out of her chest, finally hearing those words from his mouth. “How did you find out?”
“Caroline told me.”
So her sister had betrayed her. Sold her out to the enemy like her secrets meant nothing. She tried to summon her anger, but it faded just as quickly as it came. She would love to blame Caroline for this mess, but she knew she had to take responsibility.
This was between her and Jamie.
“She had no right to do that,” Grace said.
“No, you had no right. How could you do this to me? How could you lie like that, for all of this time? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jamie was standing right in front of her, the whites of his eyes the only thing she could really make out in the darkness. He was staring at her, waiting for an answer that would make everything okay, but she couldn’t find one. Now that she was finally put on the spot, forced to defend her actions, she had nothing to say.
How could she justify keeping a father from his son? How could she have ever justified that?
She drew a blank, and the silence was deafening.
“You weren’t around.”
“That’s not a good enough answer.” His hands gripped her shoulders. “You should have called me. I would have been there for you. I would have been there every minute.”
Her heart cried out at the words, mourning over what could have been. There were so many nights when all she wanted was Jamie there to hold her, but she told herself it could never be. Now, to hear him say that it would have just taken a phone call...
Was she the only reason they weren’t together now, a family? Had she destroyed her own chance at happiness? Their chance at happiness?
“Would you have been there?” she asked him. “Really?”
“Of course. You know that.”
“I didn’t know that. How could I have known that, Jamie? You wanted space. I didn’t want to ruin your life. I didn’t want to take away your dreams.”
“You were my dream.” He sounded so sincere, but she had been fooled by him before.
She summoned what was left of her hurt and anger, built up over their years apart.
“That’s not what you said. You weren’t even ready for a serious relationship with me. How could you have handled a child when we were practically children ourselves? It would have ruined your life.”
“That’s bullshit.” He shook her gently with the force of his emotion, and she pulled away, putting an arm’s length between them.
“It isn’t, it’s the truth. I was protecting you.”
“No,” he said. “You know me better than that. I would have done right by you and our son. You know that. I would have grown up. You didn’t give me the chance.”
Grace was surprised to see that Jamie’s hands were trembling, and it increased her guilt tenfold. She put herself in his shoes, trying to imagine what it mu
st be like for him, finding out that he was a father. She wondered how he had even had the mental ability to drive all the way to New York without going off the road from pure distraction.
She could barely get her own thoughts in order, and she wasn’t the one who had been so completely blindsided.
Grace wished there was a way she could make Jamie understand why she had done what she had done.
“At the time, it seemed like the right thing. I didn’t want to keep you from starting the brewery with your friends. I was afraid you would take the job in New York to be responsible.” Her voice was small. “I honestly thought I was doing you a favor.”
“A favor, Grace? So I could find out like this, five years too late?”
She winced at his tone. “Don’t raise your voice. Jake is sleeping.”
Jamie tensed up, looking toward the staircase, and lowered his voice. “Where is he?”
“Upstairs.”
He took a step toward the stairs, but Grace reached out to grab his arm.
“Please. Not now. Let him sleep.”
Jamie stopped, but she could see the effort cost him. “I want to see him. I won’t wake him up.”
“No.” Not yet. Not like this. “Tomorrow. Please, tomorrow.”
He stepped toward her and away from the staircase, and she loosened her grip on his arm.
“But how do I know you’ll even be here tomorrow?” he asked, turning back to her. “That you won’t leave in the middle of the night and take my son with you?”
She backed up toward the wall, wanting to put more space between them, but he followed her into a corner.
“I won’t, I swear.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“I’m giving you my word.”
He pressed his hand against the wall to the right of her head, partially trapping her in place.
“What exactly did you think you were doing, running away? Did you really believe you would get away with this? That I would never find out? That Jake would never ask questions? He is my son, just as much as he is yours.”
“No! He’s my son. You are not taking him away from me, so don’t even think about it for a second.”
“I’m not going to take him away from you. Would you stop it? I’m not this terrible person you think I am. Give me some credit, Grace. What did I ever do to make you think of me this way? To make you think that I don’t deserve to know my own child?”
She realized then that he wasn’t angry. This wasn’t about him hating her for lying and keeping this secret.
Jamie was sad. He was sad because she had treated him like he meant no more to her than a stranger. After everything they had gone through together and all the love they shared, she hadn’t wanted him to be a part of their son’s life. She hadn’t trusted him to be a good father.
No, that wasn’t right either.
She had known all along that Jamie would make a good father, hadn’t she? She had known that he would have stepped up to the plate, just like she had done. Jake had changed her, and he would have changed Jamie, too.
All of this time, was it really about keeping Jamie from having to deal with a child he wasn’t ready for, or was it about protecting herself from getting hurt again?
“It’s not like that,” she finally said. “I would never think you are a terrible person.”
“Oh yeah? Then tell me, why did you run away?”
His other hand went against the wall, and she felt a little like an animal caught in a trap.
“I didn’t give it that much thought, Jamie,” she said. “I freaked out. You saw him, and I panicked.”
“You’re damn right you didn’t give it much thought,” Jamie said. “That’s the problem. You never think anything through, you just make these sweeping decisions and you don’t care how they affect the people who care about you.”
“That is unfair,” she said, needing to defend herself from his accusations. “I didn’t do any of this to hurt you. Coming here... I was scared, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to face this and have this discussion with you.”
Jamie leaned in toward her and instant heat shot up between them. It almost scared her more than their conversation.
“You should have known better,” he told her. “You should have known I would find you. I’ll always find you.”
Her breath caught in her throat, and a small part of her thrilled at his words. “Well, congratulations, you win.”
“That’s right. I’m here now, and things are going to change real fast. No more of this, Grace. You are not going to lie to me anymore.” His lips hovered above hers. “You are going to tell me everything.”
“Don’t talk to me like that.”
She tried to push him away, his words making her defenses rise. She didn’t want him to see her as someone he couldn’t trust. If he would just try to understand, he would see that she hadn’t meant to lie and hurt him. Everything had just spiraled out of her control.
“I’m not a liar,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.
“That’s another lie, sweetheart.”
“I’m not! I made a mistake, but you have no right to judge me. You weren’t there. You told me that you wanted space from me, what was I supposed to do? Show up at your doorstep and tell you that I was pregnant? I was scared, Jamie.”
“Grace...”
“I thought you were going to be mad at me.” Her throat tightened, and she felt more vulnerable than she had in a very long time. “I felt so much guilt, like it was my fault for getting pregnant, and I thought you would see it that way too. I knew you would do the responsible thing, but I didn’t want to force you into that, into being with me.”
There was a long moment of silence, and Grace couldn’t bear to look at him.
“I called you,” Jamie finally said. “I called you every day, trying to make things right. Didn’t you know I wanted to take it back? Breaking up with you was a mistake, and I knew it.”
Grace shook her head. “It wasn’t good enough. You have no idea how much you hurt me. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling you about the baby and having you send me away, or worse, giving up everything and hating me for it.”
She saw sympathy in Jamie’s eyes, but his voice was distant. “So lying was the only alternative? Shutting me out of your life and pretending nothing had happened when we found each other again was the only answer? You took the coward’s way out.”
“How dare you.”
“How dare you.”
He ran his calloused fingers gently down the side of her neck to her collarbone, making her shiver.
“Jamie...” She whispered his name, wanting to finally close the distance between them, wishing there wasn’t so much in the way.
So much anger, so much hurt, so much distrust and disappointment. So much wrong.
She spoke the words in her heart before she could convince herself not to.
“I’m so sorry. For everything.”
Jamie was so close she could smell the mint of his breath. They locked eyes and held them, waiting with bated breath to see what the next move would be.
The sudden onslaught of guilt was eating her alive, and knew she was going lose this battle. Before she could look away, however, Jamie leaned down and kissed her.
The kiss was a lifeline. Grace almost sobbed when his lips touched hers, her heart swelling with perverse hope. Maybe it wasn’t over. Maybe he still cared about her.
His tongue plunged the depths of her mouth and she opened herself to him, feeding off of his strength. His arm wrapped around her waist and supported her weight when her knees started to buckle, and he pushed her hard against the wall.
Jamie moaned, a sound of both need and pleasure, and he lifted her up so that she could wrap her legs around him. He wrapped his hand in her hair and pulled gently so that her neck was exposed, licking his way down the length of it.
She wanted so badly to say his name, but she was afraid that if she said a word it wou
ld break the spell and plunge them back into reality. Instead, she satisfied herself with the feel of him, knowing that this could be the last time she was ever held and kissed like this.
Jamie’s lips left her neck and traveled up to her earlobe. His hot breath in her ear sent a shiver down her back, and she held onto him tighter.
“Bedroom,” he said hoarsely, and she nodded.
Jamie remembered where her bedroom was somehow, carrying her up the stairs with ease and tumbling with her onto her twin mattress, rolling with her until she was pinned under him. Then his mouth was on hers again, hot and demanding, his hands pulling her tightly against him. She teased him with her tongue, needing him to want her just as much as she wanted him.
His mouth still on hers, Jamie greedily unbuttoned her top and yanked it off of her, exposing her completely. He kissed his way down the column of her neck and lingered on her swollen breasts, making her cry out.
His shirt was wet from the rain, rough fabric against her soft skin. She pulled it over his head and tossed it on the floor, and he pressed his warm chest against her. It felt so right, the way their bodies fit together, like they were designed for one another.
She wanted to tell him that, but she didn’t want to push him away.
Was he still angry?
She couldn’t tell. He didn’t kiss her like he was angry, but there was something in his kiss that hadn’t been there before. There was an urgency and possessiveness to it, like he needed to have her at this very moment and mark her as his own.
His hand reached the elastic waistband of her pants and he pulled them off along with her underwear. She was completely naked and at his mercy, and she couldn’t imagine a place she wanted to be more.
I love you, Jamie.
Never had she wanted to say those words more, and never had she been so afraid to. She bit her lip, keeping them in.
Jamie’s mouth and hands continued to explore her everywhere, torturing her with exquisite pleasure until she lost her ability to do anything but feel. She wished with everything she had that he would never stop making love to her like this, that his blue eyes would always look at her with that same fierce intensity.
Irresistible Lies Page 18
