As she set out the pigs, according to Adam’s Rules, she felt a twinge of regret. Growing up without siblings made her want a large family for her own children.
How things change, she thought, glancing at her dear son. He was her entire focus. Her life. It was just the two of them.
In spite of that declaration, her thoughts slipped to Carter and the moments they spent together. That sense of heightened awareness that was often the precursor to something else. Something more.
The sound of Carter’s laugh lifted her heart.
“What are you smiling at, Mom?” Adam poked her with a plastic cow, and she jerked herself back to her son and reality.
As she looked at his dear little face, a smear of butter still streaked across his cheek, she drew on a memory. The sight of his stricken expression when she told him that Karl wasn’t going to be coming to the ranch anymore. The tears that welled up in his eyes when he discovered he wasn’t going to get a father.
Emma hardened her heart, even as she heard Carter laughing again in the kitchen.
He was lonely. He was complicated.
And she had to stay away.
Chapter Eight
He was leaving again.
Emma rolled over in her bed, tucking the pillow under her cheek as the roar of Carter’s motorbike faded away down the valley road into the night.
Even as she congratulated herself on her wisdom to keep her heart free from the complication that was Carter, part of her felt a surge of pity for his pain. Behind that pity came another, stronger emotion.
She flopped onto her back, pushing her feelings aside, forcing herself to focus on the job she had stayed to do. Tomorrow she would ride up to the upper pasture again.
Day after that, she and Adam had to go into town for a dentist’s appointment, and she should get the mail which, inevitably, meant bills to pay and the tedium of filling out applications for another job.
After that they would have to think about cutting hay and baling it. Carter could probably run the hay bine to cut the hay. She could run the baler and rake.
But would the ranch be sold before all this happened?
She rolled back onto her side, struggling with her need to keep her mind busy and the concern that hung, ever present, on the edges of her mind.
And what would she do when the ranch sold? Where would she go? How would she take care of Adam? Would she have to sell Dusty and Diamond?
She dropped her hand over her eyes, sending up a prayer for…what? She wasn’t sure.
Peace is not the absence of trouble, peace is the presence of God.
The quote from the pastor slipped into her mind, and behind that came another Bible passage she had read last night.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Emma repeated the words, clinging to them. She had to trust that God would help her through this next phase of her life.
She repeated the Bible passage again, rolling over onto her side. Slowly, elusively, sleep found her. But just before she drifted off, her last thoughts were of slate-blue eyes and the sound of a motorbike’s engine.
A light drizzle was falling when Carter strode across the yard toward his grandmother’s house. The rain made it hard to tell exactly where the sun was, but Carter knew it was getting close to noon. He pulled the collar of his jacket up, wishing he had his oilskin.
He’d slept in this morning and woke up only when he heard rain on the roof of his cabin. A quick glance at his watch had shown him it was already close to noon.
He knocked on the door of his grandmother’s house, then toed his boots off. He pulled off his hat, shook off the excess water then stepped inside.
Nana Beck sat on her couch, her Bible in her lap. The sight created a flicker of guilt as he thought of the still-unopened Bible sitting beside his bed.
“How nice to see you, my dear,” Nana said, motioning for him to come closer. He brushed his damp hair back, bent over and gave her a quick kiss, then gave her hands an extra squeeze.
“Goodness, your hands are cold,” she said. “Do you want a cup of tea?”
“No. I had breakfast.” He didn’t respond to the questioning lift of her eyebrow or her quick glance at the clock. “Just wondering if you’ve seen Emma this morning.”
Guilt stalked his every step. Last night he gave up on sleeping and had gone for a ride on his bike. He came home late and as a result had slept in. Emma’s cabin was empty when he knocked on her door. She wasn’t in the barn, the tack shed or the main farmhouse. Her truck was still parked in front of the machine shed by her horse trailer.
Nana frowned and shook her head. “She did say something about picking beans when she came back, though I doubt she will in this rain.”
“Back? From where?”
“I’m not sure. I was taking in my clothes from the line when she and Adam came by on the horses.”
“Horses?”
Nana frowned at him. “No need to sound snappy, my boy. I’m just telling you what happened.”
Carter gave his grandmother an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Nana. I’m concerned. It’s raining out and I can’t figure where she would go on horses in this wet weather.”
A smile eased away Nana’s frown. “I don’t think you need to worry about Emma. She’s capable and independent. She’s been a big help to Wade on the ranch. I think she really loves it here.”
Carter saw his grandmother fold her hands on her Bible. Usually a sign that some type of lecture or scolding was coming his way.
“Shannon told me that you listed the ranch already?”
Carter thought they had covered all this yesterday over lunch. “Yes. I did. And Pete already found a buyer.”
“Why so soon? Why so quick? You’ve only been back a few days, and you’re making this huge decision?” Nana Beck’s fingers tightened around each other.
Carter steeled himself to the pain in her voice. “I wanted to do this after…two years ago, Nana. As long as you still lived here, I wasn’t making you move out of your home.”
“But this is your home too.”
The catch in her voice hooked into his heart.
Last night, as he shifted and sighed in his bed, seeking elusive sleep, he struggled with his decision. Coming back to the ranch had been harder than he thought.
Talking about Harry yesterday, first with Matt at church, then Adam, then with Shannon and Nana, had brought out painful memories. Yet, in spite of the pain, he was surprised it hadn’t hurt more.
The biggest surprise was finding out how much he missed having someone to share memories with. Reliving old stories and escapades eased out good memories of the ranch. Memories he had also suppressed.
He didn’t blame Emma for slipping out with Adam while the Becks made a trek down memory lane, but he wished Emma had stayed longer. He enjoyed her company and, in spite of his own sorrow, talking about Harry, even for a moment, had helped as she had said it would.
Last night, while he lay awake, twisting and turning in his bed, an errant thought slinked around the edges of his mind. Was selling the ranch a selfish move?
He looked out the rain-streaked window of Nana’s house to the corral. The horse trough was gone, but the memory wasn’t. And on the heels of that memory, the guilt swept in.
He couldn’t live with these reminders every day.
He shoved his hand through his hair as he exhaled heavily. “I’m sorry, Nana. I feel like I should put this part of my life behind me. It hurts too much.”
Nana’s eyes brimmed with tears as she got up. “I’m so sorry for you, my boy. I’ve been praying every day that you would be able to live with the memories. That you would forgive yourself. When you said you were coming back, I was so hoping you would stay.”
Carter picked up his hat and turned it around in his hands, his second thoughts of last night niggling at him. “I really feel I need to move on.” He bent over a
nd gave her another kiss. “I’d better see if I can find Emma and Adam. Find out why she didn’t let me know what she was doing.” He didn’t want to admit this to his grandmother, but he was a bit worried
“Give her a little slack,” Nana said quietly. “She’s used to doing a lot on her own.”
“Maybe she has, but she should still let me know when she’s going to be gone.”
“Of course she should.”
Did he imagine that little smirk on his grandmother’s face?
“By the way, have you heard anything from Wade?” she asked, thankfully moving on to another topic.
“Yeah, he called me on my cell phone. His father is in stable condition, but his mother will need some surgery. Wade is doing okay, but he’s a little frazzled.”
His grandmother clucked in sympathy. “Then we’ll need to remember them in our prayers.”
Carter felt a twinge of envy. Prayers. It had been some time since he had talked to God other than in anger. He wished he could be as trusting as his grandmother seemed to be about God’s listening ear.
“You do that, Nana. Meantime, I better go see what Emma has been up to.”
“Don’t you be getting angry with her,” Nana admonished.
Carter couldn’t help a faint smile at his grandmother’s defense of Emma.
“I won’t.” He dropped his hat on his head and strode across the yard to the tack shed.
He snagged a halter off a peg, then headed to the horse pasture. He whistled for the horses, but they didn’t come.
Frowning, he climbed over the fence and walked toward them.
Banjo lifted his head at Carter’s approach. Then, with a whinny, he turned and trotted in the opposite direction.
The other horses whinnied, then followed their leader.
He whistled again, but Banjo wasn’t listening.
“Ungrateful critter,” he muttered, threading the halter rope through his hands. He watched the horses, figuring his next move. He wasn’t going to chase them around the pasture. The trick was to get the horses to come to him.
Just as he was planning his strategy, the horses stopped, whinnied and trotted toward the fence.
Carter looked in the same direction and saw Emma and Adam on their horses, coming down the trail from the upper pasture.
“Hey, Mr. Carter,” Adam called out, the leather of his saddle squeaking, standing in his stirrups as they approached. His bright yellow jacket and black pants made him look like a bumblebee. “Did you finally wake up?”
The “finally” cut. A bit. But Carter just nodded.
The horses came alongside and Emma reined them in. She wore a brown cowboy hat today and an oilskin jacket and worn leather chaps. Water dripped off her hat, but she was smiling.
Carter’s mind flashed back to a trip he had made with Sylvia when they first were married. They had ridden up and around the hills behind the ranch, and it began to rain. Sylvia, normally easygoing, had complained all the way down. When they got back she said she wasn’t going out riding again unless Carter could guarantee sunny weather.
Emma, however, didn’t seem daunted by the moisture or the fact that she had mud spatters on her chaps, coat and face.
“Where did you go?” he asked, forcing his attention back to the subject he wanted to talk to her about.
“Up to the higher pasture. Didn’t you read the note I put on your door?”
Carter frowned. He hadn’t bothered to check his door. Didn’t even think she might have left him a note.
“No. I didn’t.”
“I think we’ll have to move the cows in a few days. I wanted to make sure they were okay until then.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” He set his hands on his hips, trying to look as if he was in charge.
“I heard you leave late last night. I thought you would still be tired.” She gave him a careful smile as she dismounted.
Carter sighed as a trickle of rain worked its way down his back. “You’re my ranch hand, not my mother.”
The edge in his voice came from a mixture of frustration with a horse he couldn’t catch and guilt that this woman and her son were able to take care of his ranch without him.
At any rate, his curt tone made her smile disappear and her lips thin. He felt like a heel. His grandmother had just warned him about getting angry with her.
“Okay. Next time I’ll ask before I make the same decisions I’ve been making since I was hired.” Her voice took on a prim tone. She swiped a gloved hand across the moisture trickling down her face, smearing the bits of mud across her cheek. Which ruined the confident and in-charge effect he guessed she was going for.
Which in turn made him smile.
She glared at him, her brown eyes snapping. “What’s so funny, Carter? Is it so hard to imagine me in charge?”
“No. Not at all. It’s just—” How was he to regroup from this?
“I’ve been taking care of the cows since I got here,” she said, gripping Diamond’s reins, not giving him a chance. “The whole pasture-management scheme was mine. Wade, thankfully, was able to trust me to do what I’d been doing for four years on my father’s ranch. I know what I’m doing.”
He held up his hand in a placating gesture. Where did this prickly attitude come from? “I’m not a chauvinist, Emma. I appreciate what you’ve done here. It just felt weird to get up and find out you were off doing what I should have been doing.”
She blinked, glancing back at Adam, who was still on his horse, a puzzled frown pulling his eyebrows together.
“Again. I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I thought since you’re selling the place, it wouldn’t matter what I did…” She let the sentence trail off.
“I’m selling this place as a turnkey operation, and I want to make sure that I know what’s happening on the ranch when I talk to the potential buyer.”
Even as he mouthed those words, a part of his mind accused him of lying. No, the reason he cared went deeper. Went back to his youth. To growing up on this place. To all the memories that were such a part of him and had only recently come out again. The memories he had from before Harry died.
“Speaking of the buyer,” Emma said, her voice lowering. “Did you find anything out about subdividing the acreage from the new owner?”
Carter rubbed his chin, feeling a flicker of regret as he recalled his last conversation with Pete. “Apparently the new owner wants to keep the land untouched. He likes the isolation and isn’t interested in breaking off parcels of the ranch.” He caught the sorrow in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Emma. I wish I could tell you something different.”
“That’s okay.” Emma’s quiet words showed Carter how much of a disappointment this was to her. But he could do nothing. It was out of his hands.
She turned away and walked over to her son to help him out of the saddle. As soon as Adam’s feet hit the ground, he scooted over to Carter, eyes bright. “My mom said that if the weather is nice, when we go to move the cows, we’re going to have a picnic.”
Carter knelt down so that he was face-to-face with him. “A picnic sounds like a great idea,” he said, giving the boy a quick smile.
Adam put his hand on Carter’s shoulder. “Can you come with us?”
The touch of Adam’s hand created a mixture of emotions. Sorrow for his lost son, but also a connection with this little boy who looked at him with such trust.
“That would be nice,” he said quietly, holding Adam’s gaze. Then, as if of its own will, Carter’s hand reached up and covered Adam’s. To his surprise the sorrow eased away, replaced by a surprising tenderness toward Adam.
Adam’s grin lit up his mud-streaked face. “Maybe my mom will let me take pop.”
“That would be nice too,” Carter said. He pointed at Adam’s face. “But you’re going to have to wash your face before we go.”
Adam frowned then lifted his shoulder and wiped a trickle of water off his cheek, making the smear bigger. “Is it gone?”
Carter laughe
d then pulled out his hanky and wiped Adam’s cheek. Then as he straightened, he caught Emma smiling at him, her eyes soft.
As their gazes held, his emotions shifted into a new place. A question arose in his mind. Could they…
His first reaction was to withdraw. But the question wouldn’t go away.
Then he gave in to an impulse and reached over and gently wiped the mud off her face, as well. “There. Now you’re all clean too.” As he gave her a wink, he took advantage of her momentary bewilderment to gather up the reins of the horses and lead them away.
“So you pay the bills online now?” Carter asked, frowning at the computer.
Emma moved the mouse, gave it a click and tried not to notice how close Carter sat. He had to, she reasoned, to see the monitor better, but it still was too close for her comfort.
She smelled the rain on his clothes, the faint scent of horses on his blue jeans.
The hint of spicy aftershave lotion from his cheeks.
The same smell that was on the hanky he used to wipe her face. Why had he done that?
She swallowed and forced her attention back to the computer. Focus. Focus.
“Our banker told us it was perfectly safe,” Emma said opening the banking site and plugging in the password. She had to try three times before she got it right.
“All the account information is here.” Emma hit the Okay button again. Thankfully this time it was right and a new screen flashed up on the monitor.
In the background she heard the soundtrack of the movie Adam was watching. A bribe so she could pay the bills she had picked up in town this morning.
One of the reasons she had gone to town was to get the mail she knew would be piling up. The other was to look for a place to live, a job and a place to board her horses.
The easiest part of the excursion was getting the mail. Three of the jobs she had circled in the newspaper from the week before were filled. The fourth place was looking for someone with more education than she had. Not one of the jobs was in her field of expertise—horses and ranching.
She had tried to let go of her concern and hope that something, somewhere would come up.
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