She swallowed hard then shook her head. She wouldn’t think about Logan. Not yet. Not when she could barely breathe, barely think.
“Cailin.”
Maddox sat next to her on the couch, pulling her into his arms. She sank into him, using his warmth, letting her wolf settle with her Omega. But she didn’t cry.
She’d cried on the battlefield, but she wouldn’t cry in Kade and Melanie’s living room. Not when the world had shattered around her, and she knew she had to be the strong one.
She didn’t have another purpose. Not anymore.
With one last sigh, she sat up straight, pulling away from Maddox’s arms.
“What can I do?” she asked, her voice oddly hoarse. Only it wasn’t so odd now that she remembered the screaming, the pain. Her body shuddered, but she pushed it away, pushed it deep down to a place she prayed she’d never have to see or deal with again. No, she wouldn’t think about that. Not now. She wouldn’t break down.
Her brothers and their mates needed her to be strong. They’d be able to grieve with each other soon, hold their babies, and try to find a reason to go on.
Cailin would go home.
Alone.
She stood on shaky legs, wiping her clammy palms on her jeans. She froze when she noticed the blood and dirt on them. Though she’d killed many wolves on the field, she knew whose blood soaked her skin. Soaked so deep she knew she would remain stained, tainted.
Her father’s blood would mark her for all eternity.
Bile rose in her throat, and she ran to the bathroom, pushing a pale Reed out of the way as he exited. By the time Cailin finished retching, Hannah was at her side, sitting down next to her on the floor, a cold washcloth in the Healer’s hands patting Cailin’s forehead.
So much for Cailin being strong for others.
Cailin took the cloth gratefully and wiped her face, pressing it against her cheeks to cool the heat and her aching head. She leaned against the bathtub while Hannah ran a hand down her arm.
“Go with Reed and Josh and the twins,” Cailin whispered, forcing the tears back. She might not be strong enough, but she would not cry.
Not anymore.
Hannah shook her head. “I’m a Healer, Cailin. I…I don’t know what to do, but right now what I do know is that we need to get you out of these clothes and cleaned up. Mel has things that can fit you. Okay?”
Numb, Cailin nodded then stood. Hannah helped her strip off her clothes, the bloody items piling up on the floor.
Hannah looked down at them, her face oh-so-carefully blank, then gently pushed Cailin into the tub. “I’ll take care of it, darling.” Hannah and Cailin might have been the same age, but right then, the woman seemed so much older, so much more in tune with what was needed.
Cailin turned on the water, the cold a shock as it woke her up before it warmed. Hannah left the room, and Cailin scrubbed her skin, still trying to get the blood off, even though the water cleared after the first few minutes.
“Here, honey,” Hannah whispered. “I have clothes for you. The others think you’re just taking a shower and handling it all.” Cailin met the other woman’s eyes, the pain in them so potent Cailin could almost feel it through the numbness. “They won’t know you needed help. They won’t know anything. But, honey, even if they did, it wouldn’t matter. You aren’t weak for needing to lean on someone.” Her voice cracked at the end, and Cailin shook her head.
She turned off the shower and stood for a moment, putting on the shield she’d worn so long it was almost a second skin.
Bitchy Cailin would make it through the day.
Broken Cailin would have to hide.
“Thank you for your help,” she said, her voice wooden. She got out of the tub and dried off before pulling on a pair of Mel’s yoga pants and a shirt. Hannah had taken care of Cailin’s bloody clothes. Where the other woman had put them, Cailin didn’t know. She didn’t want to know. Never wanted to see them again. “Now go out and cuddle your mates and your babies. They need you.”
Just as much as you need them.
She didn’t say that last part aloud, but she had a feeling Hannah knew it anyway.
Hannah nodded once, and then left the bathroom, hopefully going back into the living room where the rest of her family was.
When the smoke cleared after the demon left, things had happened quickly. Or maybe it was in slow motion. Cailin wasn’t even sure anymore. Her brothers had come to her side as well as Logan’s. They’d looked as broken as she’d felt.
The rest of the Pack had come as well, helping her family deal with the aftermath that none of them had been prepared for.
Edward and Patricia Jamenson were not supposed to die. They were supposed to lead their people in the final battle, their heads held high, their wolves in perfect, exceptional form.
They were not supposed to die for their daughter and the wolf her own wolf craved.
She shook her head, clearing those thoughts. She’d deal with Logan and what her own guilt meant later. Right then, she needed to do something. Her parents’ bodies—hell, she couldn’t believe she was thinking that—were with her father’s enforcers. They were going to take care of them for the family. While she knew she and her brothers could have pushed through and handled it, the men who fought and put their lives on the line for her mother and father needed their closure as well.
The Jamensons also needed to regroup and find a way through the mess that was their lives.
Cailin went into the living room and sat on the floor beside the armchair where Adam sat with Bay on his lap. He whispered into his mate’s ear, and she snuggled closer, their son Micah against her chest, Adam’s hand on his little back.
Kade stood at the fireplace, his back to the family as Mel ran a hand down her husband’s back before holding him around the waist. Not leaning into him, more like showing him she was there for him.
It surprised Cailin how strong Mel was, knowing the woman had been human when they’d first met and a very analytical human at that. Cailin hadn’t welcomed Mel with open arms, and though her doubt in the woman’s ability to become a leader had faded, Cailin still didn’t feel like she knew this Mel.
The Alpha female of the Redwood Pack.
Goddess, Cailin didn’t know how the other woman could do it—take Pat’s place and lead their wolves into blessed peace after battle.
Mel was stronger than she for sure.
The rest of her family sat on various couches and chairs in Kade and Mel’s large living room. The children were scattered about either on laps or on the floor. There would be no hiding this from them, not this time. They were just as much Pack as the rest of them were, and now one of the babies held a power that Cailin couldn’t even comprehend.
It was odd to be here for a meeting rather than at her parents’…
Cailin swallowed hard.
No, she wouldn’t have been able to make it there, and she didn’t think the rest of her family would have been able to either.
“Where do we stand?” North asked his gaze unfocused, while his son Parker sat between him and Lexi.
Cailin wasn’t sure when her brother would be able to see again, if he’d be able to see again. She knew he fought well because of his other senses and the fact Lexi had been by his side, but it couldn’t have been easy. Her brother was a doctor, and yet now, he couldn’t practice his profession. He could only stand by and help Noah, Cailin’s friend, step in and try to take care of the Pack’s health.
“Lost?” Reed asked then leaned into Josh’s hold. Reed was part of the triad with Josh and Hannah. He was also the softest of her brothers, if that made any sense. Oh, he could fight, kill, and stand for his family, but other than Maddox as the Omega, she thought Reed felt more than the rest of them. Being an artist helped him have an outlet for that, and having two mates and twin children helped too.
Jasper shook his head, his mate, Willow, on his side, their daughter Brie on his lap. “We can’t afford to be lost. We need to be s
trong. Now more than ever.” Brie patted his chest, and Jasper leaned down to kiss her tiny head.
Cailin swallowed hard and nodded. Though it hurt to think about, she agreed. The Pack needed them to be strong, to be their center. Their Pack had lost their Alpha today. In some ways that crushed her even more than losing her father.
Her wolf howled, needing to be held, but Cailin couldn’t handle that right now—not without breaking.
Again.
Cailin cleared her throat. “I…I don’t remember much after…well, just after.” Her family looked at her, the pity and grief in their gazes almost her undoing. “What happens now? Hierarchy-wise. The Pack will need to know. The structure will help our wolves focus.”
Kade gave her a sad smile. “You’re right, Cai.” He took a deep breath, straightening his shoulders. Mel bent down and picked up Finn, holding him close to her chest. The three-year-old looked pale, his eyes wide and full of knowledge no child should have to bear.
“When…when the bond broke with dad, I felt the Alpha bond slam into me at the same time the Heir bond severed. Jesus. The pain. I…it was like a jagged blade in some respects but quick and white-hot at the same time. The loss…I don’t know what you all felt but…I can barely think.” He looked down at his son and sighed. “Finn’s too young for the responsibility of Heir. We all know this.”
Mark, his adopted son, spoke up, “Then you’ll all help him like you did us. I know Gina and I aren’t blood, so we didn’t get the Heir powers, but when we get older, we can help Finn. We can help him now.”
Cailin sucked in a breath, fighting off tears. Those kids had already been through so much, and now they’d lost their only grandparents as well.
Kade dropped to his haunches and ran a hand through his son’s hair. “You and Gina are my rocks. Both of you. I know you’ll help Finn. That part I’m not worried about.”
Jasper cleared his throat. “I’m still Beta, if that helps. I can still feel the bond within the Pack. The moon goddess passes Alpha, Heir, and Beta by blood only, but the rest are up for grabs when the next generation gets older.”
Adam jumped in. “I’m still the Enforcer because I can feel the tenuous bonds. Although since I couldn’t sense the danger until it was too late, I’m not sure what my role is anymore.”
Cailin reached out and patted his arm. “Stop it. You’ve been on edge for years because right now there’s always a threat to the Pack. There’s only so much you can do.”
“He’s right,” Maddox added in. “Yes, I’m still the Omega. That’s not going to change for a long time, but while my wolf is screaming to help everyone in this room, we need this pain, this idea of what was lost to take the next steps.”
Though it hurt to hear, Cailin agreed. She wouldn’t let Maddox take her pain. Not now. Not ever. She needed to feel it through the numbness that had become who she was since those moments on the field.
“What are we going to do?” Ellie asked, her hand on Maddox’s knee.
Kade’s mouth firmed. “I don’t know. I’m not ready to be Alpha.”
Cailin stood quickly and stalked toward her brother. She punched him in the chest and kept her fist there. “Stop it. You have the power and knowledge to be Alpha. What you aren’t ready for, what none of us are ready for, is living without them. I know this more than anyone.” Her voice broke, and she sucked in air through her nose, pushing her emotions back.
“You can’t be weak in front of the others. You can’t show that you want to scream and sob and try to make sense of what is going on around you. None of us can. We need to be strong for the Pack, or all else will fail. We can grieve, but we can’t back down. We can’t show the Centrals that they’ve won. Because they haven’t. Don’t let what happened be in vain. Please.” She rasped out the last word, and her brother’s gaze bored into hers.
“It wasn’t your fault, Cailin,” Kade whispered, far too much knowledge in his gaze.
She backed up a step, knocking into Charlotte, Maddox and Ellie’s daughter. Her niece wrapped her arms around her legs, and Cailin centered herself.
Or at least tried to.
Not her fault? Her father had died for her. She hadn’t been fast enough and had watched her father die when it should have been her body on the ground. Then she’d watched the same thing happen between Logan and her mother.
No one would understand how she felt.
No one but Logan.
Her wolf cried out for him, and Cailin knew she wouldn’t be able to hold it back much longer. She needed to leave the room, leave the people that surrounded her who all had babies, mates, and a future.
She had nothing. Nothing worth saving, and yet her father had died for her.
How was she supposed to live with that?
Maddox let out a pained groan behind her, and she closed up her emotions tight. She wouldn’t put the burden of her pain on her brother’s shoulders.
She’d done enough to her family as it was.
“Cailin, it wasn’t your fault,” Kade repeated.
She backed up fully until she stood by Adam’s chair again. “He was aiming for me and Logan,” she finally said, her voice void of emotion. “I didn’t miss that, and I don’t think the rest of you did either.”
“Why would he be trying for you two in particular?” North asked. “Does Caym know something we don’t?”
Cailin closed her eyes. “He knows so much more than we do it seems. Why Logan and me? I don’t know. That’s something we have to find out.”
Kade raised his chin and took Mel’s hand. “Go home, all of you. Sleep, grieve, and find some form of peace. Anything that you can put over yourself so we can function tomorrow.”
Tomorrow.
The funeral.
There would be no waiting. Not when the Pack was at war.
“Emeline is still researching,” Adam put in before everyone got up. “She said she might be onto something with the dark magic. We can tell her about Logan and Cailin to see if that helps.”
Emeline was an elder wolf who helped when she could. She wasn’t as sheltered as the rest of the elders and had tried to integrate within the Pack more.
Right then, though, Cailin needed space. She needed to breathe. “I’ll help tomorrow,” she whispered before turning away from her family.
She walked out the door while the others said their goodbyes, their heartbreak so heavy she could feel it in the air all around her. Her wolf begged for touch, but Cailin knew she couldn’t ask the family for it. She didn’t want to be their burden to bear while they had so much else on their plates. Her family could go to their individual homes, hug their families, and let their wolves howl for the loss and pain that seemed never-ending.
One wolf hadn’t been there.
One wolf with so many ties to her family that he was practically part of it already.
She hadn’t failed to notice his absence, and she knew the others hadn’t either.
He wasn’t a Jamenson, wasn’t her mate, wasn’t anything but a Pack member.
And that angered her.
Shamed her.
She’d fought the mating so hard, and now, when she needed someone the most, she didn’t have them because she’d been too prideful, too selfish. She didn’t even know how Logan was feeling, how she could help him.
How he could help her.
Her wolf craved a mate, and the woman within her was too broken to think past the pain, past the thought that having someone to hold her might make it go away…at least for a little bit.
Logan could help her.
He had to.
If he didn’t…well, she’d already shattered into a million pieces; she didn’t think she had anything else left to break.
She just prayed she wasn’t wrong.
Chapter Four
Sometimes being a wolf sucked.
Not being able to get drunk when he needed to was at the top of Logan’s list at the moment. No matter how much whiskey he poured down his throat, he’d never
get more than a buzz. Well, that wasn’t quite true. If he drank a few bottles in a row he might be able to get drunk enough. According to Pack gossip, Adam had done that when he’d met Bay a couple years ago, and their mating had progressed from there.
Logan wasn’t sure he needed to be that drunk.
Lexi, his sister, and the Jamensons were meeting at Kade’s home. He didn’t know how long they’d be there, nor did he know if they’d tell him what they’d discussed. He wasn’t part of the inner circle. Not really.
He set the bottle down and ran a hand through his hair, the short strands sliding through his fingers. It needed to be cut, but he couldn’t really care at the moment. He wasn’t equipped to deal with what was going on inside of him, what was going on within the Pack. No one should have been ready for what had happened.
Pat had died for him.
It made no sense.
He wasn’t worth the sacrifice. Everyone knew it. He’d left his old Pack because he hadn’t been strong enough to keep Lexi and Parker safe. The old Alpha of the Talons had made it clear that if Lexi stayed within the Pack, she would have been killed. It wasn’t her fault she’d been forced into a partial mating with Corbin, the sadistic, and now dead, former Alpha of the Centrals, but the old Alpha hadn’t wanted her taint to infect their precious Pack. Logan hadn’t been strong enough to protect his sister or the baby in her womb, so he’d left with her. He’d vowed to protect her from the evil that surrounded them, though he hadn’t been enough to save her from Corbin’s clutches in the first place.
She had North to take care of her and Parker now, though since she’d found her wolf, she was strong enough to protect herself.
Logan wasn’t needed.
Again.
He knew he wasn’t good enough for Pat’s last words, last actions.
Cailin, the woman who could be his mate, wouldn’t even look at him. She’d left the battlefield, tears drying on her cheeks, her eyes wide and dark on a pale face, and hadn’t looked back. He’d known she’d been pulling away from him, little by little, but what had happened earlier had cemented their break.
It wasn’t as if he deserved her and the alluring brightness that came from the green-eyed woman he’d thought he’d one day love.
Fighting Fate (Redwood Pack #7) Page 4
