by Rachel Burns
Nanny heard his footsteps on the floor. He was coming. “Sir, I need to speak to you about Amelia.”
“Not now.” He held up his hand to stop her.
“When can I see her? She needs me.” Nanny needed to know if it would be best to start mourning the child. If that were the case, then she would take a year off and try to gain some strength before she went to her next charge.
Amelia just wasn’t like her other charges. She was the one. Nannies always spoke of that one child. The one that was dearest to your heart, more than any other child she had ever taken care of. The one you never got over. She would need at least a year to pick up the pieces after Amelia.
“Never, you will never see her again.” He wanted to close his door in her face to get rid of her, but Nanny shoved her foot in the door to stop him.
“Her school called. They are worried. I’m worried too.” She dropped her voice. “Sir, is she dead?”
“Dead? You think that she is dead? Far from it, she is bursting with life. She’s pregnant. That bastard got her pregnant.”
Nanny was so shocked that she covered her mouth with her hand and removed her foot. The door slammed loudly in her face.
***
As my tummy got bigger and bigger, Brian got crueler and crueler. He forgot to feed me for days in a row.
I didn’t understand why I hadn’t lost the baby, but he grew and grew. He was even able to kick me so much that it hurt.
I knew Adam wasn’t trying to be mean. He was just so hungry too. He wanted me to do something about that, but it just didn’t lie in my hands. When I got fed, it was a tray full of food. The amount that he brought me told me that I didn’t need hold my breath waiting for him to bring me more.
The next couple of days, the door adjoining our rooms wouldn’t open at all.
I laid my hands on my stomach as I looked in the mirror. My arms were thin, my face was so hollow, and my chin was sticking out. I didn’t have a full-length mirror, so I could only see to my hips. I didn’t look healthy, and I didn’t feel healthy. I would beg him to let me take a lie detector test again.
Once he had answered me about why not, saying that he didn’t want anyone else to know what a lying slut of a whore his wife was. He believed that I was guilty, beyond a doubt.
Sex was few and far in between. So when he came in one day and grabbed me and flipped me roughly on my stomach, I assumed that he would spank me again. But the sound of his zipper opening surprised me.
Even more surprising was that he lay down in bed next to me afterwards. We weren’t really on talking terms. His animosity had grown with my stomach.
“What is going to happen with Adam when he is born.” He was already used to me referring to the baby as he and Adam. I had been trying to make Adam sound like a real person to him.
“His father gets him. I don’t want to keep him.”
“But you are his father.” Why couldn’t he see reason?
“For the baby to be mine you would have had to have gotten pregnant two weeks before you walked in the door. That wasn’t the case. Why don’t you just admit who the father is, and then he can be informed? Having the baby show up in his doorstep with a note will be a big shock for him. It’s Tony, Cindy’s brother, right?”
“No. What are you going to do with me?”
“Well, I’m not keeping you, and you don’t get a dime of my money, so I have to think about that yet. I am showing you a kindness by letting you stay here until your bastard is born.”
“Please don’t call him that.”
“Then you shouldn’t have whored around,” he yelled as he got up and left. He forgot to feed me. He also forgot to close the door to his room.
I jumped up and went into his bathroom. I was careful not to move anything, but I grabbed what I needed and ran back to my bathroom and hid the razor blade I had stolen from him. I went to the bathroom, and as I came out, I saw the door to his room closing and locking.
I went back into my bathroom and stared at the blade. Should I, or shouldn’t I? It was a really tough decision. I weighed pros and cons.
He wasn’t going to keep me. He had gotten rid of Nanny that meant that he was probably planning some accident to get rid of me afterwards.
Daddy really didn’t believe that Adam was his son. He probably wouldn’t test him. He seemed so sure.
Daddy would just get rid of the baby. Those words hurt me so much. I had been right to run with Sarah when I had the chance. Things would never be different.
Those were my reasons to just go ahead and kill myself.
A chance at seeing my Sarah again, even if it was just a slight chance, was a reason to live.
The chance was also there that he could rise above himself and test Adam like he had Sarah and see that he was his child, and then he would apologize to me for the many terrible things he had done and said too me.
I broke down and cried. That was completely unrealistic.
I reached for the razor and slit my left wrist open in a fit of emotion.
It burned. I wished I had been stronger, but he hadn’t fed me in a while, so I was weak, and I didn’t have the strength to cut deeper.
I traded hands still annoyed by the burning sensation. I cut open my right wrist and smiled. This was the right decision. This way the baby and I would die together, and I would get to keep him.
I was very tired. I wasn’t used to sex anymore. I felt so tired and winded, and if my wrists weren’t on fire, I could have just fallen asleep. I turned my left hand, so it was facing down. The burning hurt less when it was bleeding decently. I tried to rub more blood out.
I lay down by Nanny’s door. In her own way she had loved me. She was really sick, just like him, but despite that she had loved me. I had been a little special to her. She had been the only mother I had ever known. I really did love her with all my heart. She was all I had. No one else had ever cared for me before or after.
With Brian it had been sex games. But he was so disturbed that he threw my love away again and again. If I had gone to him, telling him that I was pregnant back then with Sarah he probably would have reacted the same way. He would have locked me up and tried to get me to confess that it had been the limo driver, or something silly like that.
‘Dear God, here is Amelia. I know how you feel about suicide, but you can’t really end a life that never started. I have taken all that I can.
I tried God, I really did, but life knocked me down again and again. I don’t have the strength to try to get up again.
I had been played a bad hand right from the beginning. I should have died, as a baby, so neglected, so unloved. No friends at school. The other girls picked on me daily. It had always been great fun for them. I had been such easy-pickings for them. Summers at home with a father, who pointed at me and called me a murderer, then a husband who didn’t want me, but a little girl instead.
He wasn’t in love with me, and he would probably even replace me soon. Please not with Sarah. Let him be good to her, please, please, please.
God, please understand why I am doing this. Please don’t think of me as the bad guy. I just want to be together with Adam in heaven, where no one could ever hurt him.
We need your help. Please take us up to you and keep us safe.
Amen.’
Chapter 14 – Adam
Brian was still so pissed off that she wouldn’t just admit it. It had taken her months to get pregnant with Sarah, and he should believe that Adam was his after she had been gone so long. He had such a low sperm count that Sarah could even be considered a miracle.
He had decided to test Adam just to make sure, so he would never have to wonder in years to come, but he already knew the truth.
It had seemed odd from the beginning that Cindy’s family should just take her in and help her. Amelia would have had to pay for rent somehow. She had probably slept with the father and the son.
Hell, uncles and friends of the family had most likely also had turns.
> Her father had tried to warn him, but he refused to listen. She was just an embarrassment. He would divorce her and see to it that she got as little as possible and no rights to Sarah.
Brian would send her packing and make sure that she had to move very far away. He needed the best lawyer. He wanted to scare her into settling out of court. No one should be allowed to know anything about their private life together. The hell of that would be something that he just kept to himself.
Maybe he should send her away with Nanny. If she tried anything, or tried to spill the beans, then Nanny could still paddle her into complying. It would cost him a lot, but it would give him peace of mind.
He went into Nanny’s room to ask her if she would do something like that. He was paying her to do nothing at the moment. Brian did have her working with Sarah’s nanny, teaching her about what would be expected from her later on. He wouldn’t tolerate a brat of a daughter either. His greatest fear was that she would end up like her mother.
Nanny opened the door at his knock. She was still mad at him because he wouldn’t let her see her Amelia.
He whispered his idea to Nanny. Nanny nodded, she would do anything to be able to stay with her Amelia. They both glanced over at the door that contained her. Then they both focused and the bottom of the door. A tiny red puddle had formed there.
Brian sighed relieved. She had finally lost the baby. They could move on now and get the divorce over with.
“I’ll go take care of it. I’m sure she would rather see me than you.” Nanny also assumed that the baby would be lost now. In three months it would have been due. The baby had been a fighter, but he had fought a losing battle.
Brian gave her the key. He was glad that Nanny had offered to take care of her. He didn’t want to see her.
Nanny unlocked the door and tried to push it open. Amelia was in the way, pushing back. Nanny shook her head. “Amelia, get out of the way, or I’m just going to go around the long way. Let Nanny help you, child.” They waited and still she didn’t answer. Nanny wanted to be the one Amelia saw and not her daddy. She needed to hear kind words now and not any meanness.
Brian was so glad to be done with Amelia sooner than later. He escorted Nanny into his room. Nanny thanked him coldly yet politely before she disappeared through the adjoining door.
Brian heard a piercing scream. He wondered what Amelia had pulled to get Nanny to scream like that.
Brian even smiled to himself a little. Nanny wasn’t so tough. His next little girl would get a better Nanny. One who would listen to him and never question him.
Nanny appeared in the door. Her lips were quivering, and she was as pale as a sheet. “She’s dead. She killed herself.” Nanny dropped to the floor sobbing.
Brian jumped over her and went to Amelia. His hand went automatically to her wrist. He was full of her blood too. He laid his fingers at her throat. Nothing, he couldn’t feel a pulse. He had to calm his own heart down to be sure.
Then he thought he felt something.
He jumped into action as if on automatic pilot. He stopped the bleeding and wrapped up her wrists before he picked her up and moved her to her bed.
Brian covered her with lots of blankets and then ran off to get what else he needed. He doctored her and slowly her pulse and heart rate returned to normal.
He wanted to ask her ‘why’ so badly. Was it because she was innocent or guilty?
Did she miss her lover?
Once again, he sat next to her bed and waited for her to wake up.
***
The sharp pain in my back brought me to my knees. They had been going on all day now. Daddy was due home soon. I wanted my baby born before he got here. He had been really clear about taking him away before I could even see him.
The contraction passed, and I was able to catch my breath again for a short minute before the next one came.
The baby had grown so strong in the last month. Daddy had been feeding me every day since I had tried, and failed, to kill myself. He hadn’t said any naughty words to me or touched me at all since then either. He just came home and checked on me and then left the adjoining door open, so he could see what I was up to. I was never up to anything. Once he saw that I was okay, he left.
He had even come clean about the divorce. I would never get to see either of my children again. I would never get to see Adam at all.
I dropped to my knees again. My head and arms fell on my bed. I tried to wiggle the pain out of my lower back. I breathed deeply, and when this one passed, I got up and walked around my room again.
I would be living with Nanny somewhere. I was glad to keep my nanny, but it surprised me that he thought that I would still need one. He really did believe that I couldn’t survive on my own.
He would be giving me a small allowance to live off of.
Daddy had said it would be enough that I didn’t have to work but not so much that I would be able to afford luxuries.
He had sat next to my bed and informed me of his decision when I had awakened from my slumber. It had been the slumber that I wasn’t supposed to wake up from. I was more than a little disappointed that I hadn’t died.
I agreed with Daddy and wished him better luck in his next marriage.
I told myself that this was normal for me. He was just another man telling me to get out of his life. There was no need to dwell on that fact. The important thing was to help Adam be born. I hoped that he would have a happy life. I sang happy little songs to him when I was sure that Daddy was at work.
The next contraction was upon me. I pressed my back up against the wall. Now I felt the need to push.
The door flew open, and Daddy peeked in. He saw me and turned away. I debated telling him that the baby was coming. He was a doctor after all, but still he hated the baby.
I went into my bathroom. If I could quietly give birth in here, then I could get a quick peek at him before he cried. The baby was early. That I knew.
Daddy had told me that we would sit down and discuss a birth plan when the time came closer. We still hadn’t talked.
The pain brought me to my knees again.
Daddy was picking me up and carrying me to his room. He laid me down on his bed. He checked me over and realized that the baby would be here in minutes.
“Push!”
I grabbed on to my legs and pushed. This wasn’t a time to be shy.
“That was really great. You’re almost finished. Take the chance to breathe.” He had a doctor switch that he could turn on and off. In an emergency, like now, he had it switched on. I wasn’t Amelia anymore but just some patient.
“Push! That’s great. I can see the head. Let’s see if we can get him out on the next one.” He was even giving me a pep talk. I had figured that he would be really glad that I was in pain.
“You are doing just fine.” He smiled at me and looked me in my eyes. He looked like he meant it. “Here’s the next one. Push!” He was a lot louder than I was.
I grabbed my legs under my knees again and pushed with all my might.
Suddenly Daddy had the baby in his hands. He disappeared with him into the bathroom. I was exhausted and surprised. That had gone a lot faster than it had with Sarah.
I was in shock that it was already over.
The aftershock contractions were coming on very strong. They were so painful, a lot worse than by Sarah. I worried that Daddy was hurting Adam, but he had been very civil lately. I was so tired, but still I hoped for a glimpse of Adam.
Daddy came out with the baby wrapped in a towel. He left without saying a word. I would really never get to see him. The disappointment rocked my soul and broke my heart. I wouldn’t ever have a memory of him. I bawled until I got the hiccups. I continued to lie there where he left me. I was unsure what I should do, or what he expected me to do.
On some level, I noticed that our marriage had ended just like it started, with me on a white sheet, laying on the corner of the bed, bleeding.
End of Part 2
&nb
sp; Part 3 - Waiting For Angels
Chapter 15 – Sandy Beaches
“Amelia? Wake up. Nanny is here. I’ll clean you up. He just left you here? I don’t believe it.” I felt Nanny’s hand on my forehead. “Amelia, you’re burning up. You need help. I’ll go get him. I’m so sorry.”
Nanny left. I hadn’t seen her in months, and then she was gone again. She was right though; I didn’t belong in here anymore.
“I’ll be gone soon, Nanny,” I whispered.
***
Brian took the baby to the nursery. Nanny Dobson’s jaw dropped as he laid the tiny newborn in her arms. The baby was sleeping peacefully. He was so incredibly small, as if he belonged in the hospital because he had been born prematurely.
“Organize a nanny for him. I want you to do the interviews personally.” Brian left then. He got into his car and drove to his practice. He needed to send off the sample of Adam’s DNA to the laboratory right away. As soon as the results were in, he could get rid of the child.
Jake had been kind enough to once again help him. He had a DNA sample from Tony Junior and of Tony Senior thanks to Jake.
Brian debated back and forth before he took a swab and rubbed it inside his mouth. Receiving a clear negative would be the best thing for him. He could make a clean cut, cutting Amelia and her baby out of his life.
He printed out the lab’s address.
Brian noticed that the entire lab was off on summer vacation for the rest of the month. His jaw dropped. That was the worst thing that could happen to him. How could they close the whole laboratory?
He read that just six people ran the lab. They were a small operation, but he didn’t want to use anyone else. This was a very private affair, and they had kept the first test a secret.
He sent the samples off to the lab.
Waiting would be torture.
***
