“Delivery,” he said, and sat down on the sofa next to me. “I should have picked dermatology. Not as many late nights.”
“Yeah, but then you’d be a dermatologist.”
“Point,” he said, taking a sip of terrible coffee. “Wow, this is terrible coffee.”
“I know,” I said. “I just got a text from Mia. I’m going to see her tomorrow.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“You’re going to be together forever? Or you’re going to tell her you need to never speak to her again because she dumped your brother for you? Or you’re going to run away and have a horse farm in North Carolina?”
“What?”
“Sorry. Ursula made me watch a Nicholas Sparks movie,” he said, rubbing his eyes. His phone buzzed and he got up, dumping his terrible coffee in the trash. “Baby’s sliding down the chute!”
“I can’t believe you graduated med school,” I said as he left.
Delaney didn’t send me a text or call me or stop by my apartment when I didn’t show up the next morning. She didn’t try to get in touch with me when I didn’t stop by after I woke up, even though she knew it was a day off for me. I thought about not telling her about Mia, because Delaney clearly wasn’t attached to seeing me every day, but then I found myself knocking on the apartment door anyway.
“Hi,” she said, giving me a crooked half-smile. “Do you want to come in?” She held open the door and stepped aside.
“Actually, I just wanted to let you know that I’m seeing Mia tonight. Now. I’m driving up to the city and going to dinner with her.” I focused on Delaney’s eyebrows, so it seemed like I was looking at her without having to look at her.
“Oh. Good,” she said, and then I did look at her.
“Good?”
“Well, you two have some things to talk about, right?” She shifted her feet to the left, then to the right, then to the left.
“Oh. Yeah, we do.”
“So, good luck. I hope things work out,” she said in a small voice.
“You do?” I leaned forward and put my finger under her chin.
She grabbed my finger and slowly removed it, leaving it by my side. “You’re in love with her. You deserve someone who loves you the way you love them.” She said the words deliberately.
“Right,” I said, and took the stairs down two at a time without saying goodbye.
***
Mia sat at a small candlelit table with a white tablecloth, wearing a strapless blue dress, her hair up, her gorgeous long, thin neck showing, and I immediately thought, Delaney wouldn’t wear something like that. Then I kicked myself, because Mia was sitting in front of me, smiling as I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.
“I guess we should talk about what happened,” I said after we’d both ordered lobster ravioli.
“I think we shouldn’t talk about what happened. What matters is what comes next,” she said as she reached over to grab my hand.
I stared at our fingers entwined on the tabletop and said, “But what about Brad?”
“What about Brad?” she said with a high-pitched strain.
“Mia, I love my brother, and you love my brother. And you don’t love me.”
“That’s not true. I was just too scared to be with you.”
“No. You told me when I confessed my feelings for you how it was. You said I had a crush, that I was jealous of what Brad had, and that I was falling into kindness instead of falling in love.”
“I was wrong. Brad and I were all wrong together. I’m much happier now,” she said, pulling her hand away and tucking it into her own lap. “I was comfortable, but I need to go for the risk, not what was right there and an easy choice.”
“There’s a lot to be said for comfort and familiarity.”
“There’s a lot to be said for love. Real love. What you did for me, for us? Giving us the money for a down payment because I hated our apartment? Visiting me when I was sad and lonely? Texting me all the time to make me laugh when Brad was in Africa? You saved me. That’s what love does. It fixes people.” She grinned widely and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I said, “It does?”
“It does. And Brad—he didn’t do that. He didn’t save me. He’s a great person, but…Oliver, I don’t think you understand the depth of my problems with Brad.”
“You’re right, I don’t, but your problems with Brad don’t have anything to do with your feelings for me, do they?”
“I—”
“When was the last time you were single, Mia? Like, completely on your own?” Her response was silence. “I just think you’re scared, and so you’re running for me.”
“No, I think you’re scared. Don’t you remember confessing your love? If you’re still in love with me, we can make this work,” she said, her voice pleading, cracking. “We can save each other.”
“I’m not in love with you, Mia. I thought I was, but I was wrong. I didn’t know how this would feel, you leaving my brother, you telling me you loved me. It doesn’t feel like love. It feels like I’m constantly on a rollercoaster, waiting to get off, and I can’t. That’s not what I thought it would be. And…and there’s someone else. I’m seeing someone else. I can’t do this.”
“Delaney?”
I nodded.
“She cares about you a lot, Oliver. I could see it.”
“I care about her a lot, too.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think you understand. I’m pretty sure she’s in love with you. From everything you’ve told me. Baking for you, and putting up with your insults about her, and coming with you to the wedding. The stuff you’ve put her through—only a girl in love with you would do that.”
“Delaney’s like that with everyone,” I said. “She did all of that even before we were seeing each other.”
“Because she’s loved you since then. She loves you, and you just like her. I can see it,” she said.
I took in a sharp breath. “So?”
“So, if you’re never going to love her, you shouldn’t be with her just because she worships you.”
“She doesn’t wor—”
“She does. I know what it’s like to fall for you. I get that you’re the scared one, not me. You just wanted me to fall in love with you, right? Once I admitted it, then you could realize it wasn’t what you wanted after all.”
“No, I—”
“If you’re going to do that to me, fine. Fine. But maybe spare Delaney. I think she’s even more in love with you than I am.” Mia placed her cloth napkin on her unused porcelain plate and walked away.
Twenty Five
Delaney
Ursula tapped a pen to my forehead. “You awake in there?”
“Huh?”
“I was asking you about this citation guide. What do you think?” She tilted the monitor toward me and waited.
“Oh, uh, looks great.”
“You seem a little bit off. Are you feeling sick? Did you get your flu shot, because Erica in Technical Services got the flu from her preschooler and it’s ripping through the library now. Reference is next. I can practically feel the germs on the public computers in the Info Commons.”
“Not sick. I’m fine,” I said, and I turned back toward my keyboard, opening up my email.
“Is it Cliff? Is Cliff still calling you? I told that nut bag to leave you alone, but if he doesn’t, then let me know.”
I swiveled my chair around. “You did what?”
Her mouth popped open. “I just—when he was here. I talked to him. So did Emily.”
“And you told him to leave me alone?” I threw my hands up in disgust. “I am a big girl. I can deal with him myself!”
“I know you can. I swear.”
I spluttered, “Then why did you feel the need to threaten him on my behalf?”
“I just want you to be happy. You were always so unhappy with Cliff,” she said with a frown.
“I wasn’t. I wasn’t unhappy in the beginning.”
&nbs
p; “Yes you were. You never thought you were good enough. You always thought you were the one who loved more. You felt like it was uneven, and that it was supposed to be uneven.”
“Well, duh,” I said. “Look at me.”
“And?”
“If I’m ever in a real relationship again, it’s going to be that way. I’m always going to be the grateful one,” I said, thinking of Oliver at my door last night, nonchalantly telling me he was seeing the love of his life again. He was gone. I knew he was gone. He didn’t promise to stay. He didn’t love me, and there was no reason for it.
“But you’re amazing.”
I shook my head. “Guys just aren’t interested in me like that, Urs.”
She wheeled herself toward me and put her hands on either side of my face, pinching my cheeks. “You. Are. Amazing. Now you say it.”
“You are amazing.”
She rolled her eyes but didn’t let go of my face. “Say it for real this time.”
“Only if you let go of my face.” She dropped her hands and I said, “Fine. I am amazing.”
“Good, now say, ‘I deserve true love.’”
“Ursula, I—”
She put her hands back on my face and squeezed. “Say. It.”
“I deserve true love.”
“Now say, ‘My wildest dreams are coming true.’”
This time I shoved her hands away. “I’m not saying that, Ursula. I don’t even have wild dreams. I’m not wild.”
“Maybe that’s your problem. You’re too scared to even dream of what you want, much less go for it.”
I turned my shoulder to her and ignored her for the rest of the afternoon, angry at how right she was.
***
I knocked on Oliver’s door with a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies balanced on my palm, expecting him to not answer so I could leave them with a note, asking if we could go back to being friends.
It still stung when I thought of Oliver and Mia. It more than stung. I’d taken to my bed in refuge, Jenny snug in my side, warm and sleepy. But it smelled like Oliver, so I’d dragged my duvet out to the sofa and ate cookie after cookie until I felt whole.
It didn’t work.
I knew I needed to let him go. I knew everything with Oliver was temporary. I knew she was what he wanted, and Ursula was right, I needed to think of what I wanted.
What I wanted was to not see them in the hallway. And to move away from Oliver. And to move on from men.
I bent over to place the cookies in front of his door when it opened, startling me. There Oliver was, shirtless, with a look of bewilderment on his face. “What are you doing?” he said crankily.
“Uh,” I said, straightening and holding out the plate of cookies. “For you.”
“Thanks,” he said, still staring at me with mild annoyance, not taking the cookies.
I kept my eyes on his chest. “Tell Mia I said hi,” I said, and then put down the plate and turned to retreat to my apartment and sob, but before I could go one step, he caught my upper arm and pulled me to him.
“Mia’s not here,” he said. “I’m not—Mia and I aren’t together. We never were.” He put his hands on my hips, pivoting me to him, and then placed his face on my neck, the scruff of his unshaven face giving me goose bumps and making me give an involuntarily sigh as he splayed his hands across my back. “Come in. Please. I’m having a bad day.”
I nodded into his hair, tears trickling down my face in relief, or in agony of not letting him go, I wasn’t sure which. I surreptitiously dried my eyes and went with him. We both forgot about the cookies.
Oliver
I was touching the skin behind Delaney’s knees, the small patches that were discolored white against the tan. She never let me touch them when she was awake. She was always moving when she was awake, full of nervous energy. She wiggled her toes, chewed her nails, peeled labels off bottles. Even her hair swung.
She wasn’t a lovely porcelain beauty like Mia. She was completely alive.
But when she was asleep, I could touch her. I could look at her without her looking away, moving away from me. She was always moving away from me, and I was always trying to get closer. We were going to end up in a corner one day.
I touched the back of her knee, and then trailed my finger up her thigh, up the curves of her, and tried to see what Mia had seen in Delaney. Did Delaney worship me? Did she love me?
As far as I knew, she was still talking to Cliff, and according to Ursula, Cliff was still trying to get her back. Cliff was more than me. He was better looking, more successful, richer, and had known Delaney longer. What did I know about her?
Delaney stirred as my hand reached the middle of her back, and I stilled. She turned and gave me a sleepy smile, catching my hand in hers, her lips on mine, pressing her body against mine. Her hair fell around my face, curling around my neck, and I looked into her dark, almost black eyes and said, “I need you,” before I kissed her, not knowing where the words came from, but knowing they were exactly the right ones.
***
Ursula was practically sitting in Michael’s lap at the restaurant. “They give you your own chair, Urs,” Delaney said, sitting at my elbow as we pretended to be nothing more than neighbors. Delaney sipped her coffee, her hair still wet from the shower we’d taken together.
“I’m just happy, okay?” Ursula said, kissing Michael again as the emerald ring shone in the morning sun. She eventually slid off Michael’s lap and into her own chair after Delaney kept staring.
“We’re happy for you,” Delaney said. “But it’s early.” Delaney rubbed her eyes and yawned.
“Didn’t get enough sleep?” Michael said, and Delaney said, “Yeah, I kept getting woken up by something poking at me in bed,” with a completely straight face.
I coughed up the coffee I was drinking. We still hadn’t told anyone, and it felt nice to live in this cocoon, away from other people’s judgments.
Delaney put a hand on my back. I could feel the warmth of her through my shirt, and I started to feel uncomfortable at how good it felt. Too quickly, she withdrew her hand and put it back on her cup.
“Maybe it’s time to get a new mattress,” Ursula said.
“That’s probably it,” Delaney said. “So when’s the wedding?”
Ursula looked at Michael and he gave a slight nod. “We’ve decided to get married next month. Isn’t that great?” she said with a huge grin.
“Whoa,” I said, setting down my cup. “Next…month?”
“I know it’s sudden, but neither of us want a big wedding. We just want to be married,” Ursula said. “And we want both of you to be in the wedding. And Emily and my brother, and Michael’s sister, too.”
“I’m so excited!” Delaney said, giving Ursula a hug. “This is great! Can I do anything?”
“We were hoping you’d make the wedding cake, actually,” Ursula said to Delaney, and Delaney visibly swallowed. “Only if you want to! And it will be a small wedding, and it’s not like I want fondant birds or a fountain or anything like that. Just one of your lemon cakes.”
“How could I say no?” Delaney said.
“Oh, yay! I was nervous about asking you,” Ursula said, and then Michael nudged her. “There’s actually one other favor we have to ask you, Laney.” At that moment, Ursula shot Michael a nervous look and he stood up and said, “Hey, O, I have a…a patient question. Want to walk outside and discuss it?”
“Wait, what?” I said, confused by Ursula’s pleading looks between me and Michael. “Ursula, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. She needs to ask Delaney something. Come with me. It’s private,” Michael said a little desperately.
“Is something wrong?” Delaney said, the skin between her eyebrows forming a worried little V.
Ursula shook her head, and Michael, seeing that I wasn’t going to walk away from the conversation, sat back down in his chair.
“Michael has a friend who was at our apartment for dinner the other day. David. He’s
a doctor in his practice,” Ursula said, and Michael bobbed his head like an idiot in agreement. “Anyway, David was talking about not meeting any nice women and…”
I balled up my fists but stayed silent.
“I said that one of my best friends was not only single, but sweet and beautiful and smart and funny, and I showed him a photo of you on my phone, and he really wants to meet you,” Ursula said.
Delaney glanced nervously at me and then back at Ursula. Ursula caught the look and sent me a withering stare.
“I don’t know, Urs. I’m kind of busy, and now I have a wedding cake to bake, and you know I’m not really dating…” Delaney said.
“It’s a date, not an arranged marriage, Lane,” Ursula said, more to me than to Delaney.
“Oh, okay,” Delaney said, always the doormat. “I guess in that case…” Delaney turned to me, giving me a helpless look.
“Don’t ask me.” I shrugged. The anger built in me and I said with disgust, “I don’t care who you date. It’s not like we’d ever be involved.” Her face shriveled like a wilting rose.
Delaney gave the smallest nod and said, “Sure, I can meet David,” and Ursula squealed in excitement as my stomach churned and my face heated with rage.
“This is so perfect! He’s the perfect guy for you, I swear,” Ursula said as I sipped my coffee, which now tasted like battery acid. “You’re going to fall in love and have the cutest little nerd babies.”
Michael said, “Want to take that walk now? It’s raining, though.”
I stood up and shoved my arms through my coat. “I don’t care. Let’s go.”
Delaney
After Michael and Oliver had gone outside to talk, Ursula said in a stage whisper, “Oliver’s pissy. What was that about?”
“I think he’s on night float again.”
“So? He loves night float,” she said, picking at an abandoned croissant on Michael’s plate. “I think he’s jealous.”
“Of who?” I said.
“Duh, of David. Did you not see how he went all red when I started talking about setting you up? He so wants you. One of these days he’s going to ask you out, but just stay strong and say no. He’s bad news.”
Lost and Found Page 19
