by Pamela Ann
I no longer tempted him, so I supposed getting out of the way would do us both the world. “Will you need me tonight?”
He continued with a blank expression. “For?”
“For?” I laughed. “Well, I don’t know, River. Let see … I could be the bullseye for your dartboard. Or to stare holes in. Or maybe you’d change your mind and decide to fuck me since you haven’t touched me in forever! Oh, wait … you flew in Petra for that, too, so I guess my schedule’s free, right? So, can I go out tonight, Your Highness? Or am I stuck counting hair in this soulless display of wealth that you call home for the weekend?”
The blank face persisted. “You’re more than welcome to do as you wish, Cara. If being here makes you so unhappy, LA’s less than two hours’ drive away. I can have a car ready for you anytime you like.”
And be bombarded with a ten million dollar fee? Right. “Fuck you, River.”
“Anytime,” he quipped back.
I blew a gasket. “We both know that’s a fucking lie! I can’t fuck you anytime, now can I? You wouldn’t touch me even if I’m the last woman on earth! So, screw you for insulting me!”
“I have to practice for my show tomorrow, Cara.” He made a remorseful sigh but remained unapologetic. “If you don’t have anything else to yell at me for, am I allowed to go now?”
My lips quivered. I wanted to blow up and fucking kill him on the spot. He was totally over me. Wildly staring at him, I felt all sorts of confused. The only certain thought that remained was I wanted him. Now. Right now. On me. In me.
Jesus, when had I ever been this needy? He didn’t want me. Why couldn’t I just get over that fact? Why was it so hard? Why couldn’t I just let him walk out the door? Why, oh the fuck why did I have to stop him? This was disgusting. I was disgusting.
Instead of answering him, I hastily ran back into my room. If I had to look at his blank expression one more second, I’d be willing to commit murder.
I couldn’t fathom it … to be so undesirable. To be discarded … yet again. The very thing I was afraid of happening … happened again.
It had to be me. I was probably emitting some frequency to the universe, attracting all the unfortunate events.
Why couldn’t I catch a break? All my life, I had to fight. From the moment I’d been born, I’d had to fight my way through everything. Why couldn’t I have a year without having to put up a fight? Yes, I was grateful for the opportunities fighting served me, but I felt as though I was running out of gas. My engine had become rusty. My interior was deteriorating. How long must I go on until a full-scale breakdown came knocking on my doorstep?
I felt so weak. So feeble. So fragile. River’s incessant rejection broke me down. Slowly, progressively, it chipped away at my armor until I was left exposed, unprotected.
Tears ensued. Big. Fat. Ugly. Motherfucking tears. I didn’t have the wherewithal to hide them, so I let them flow freely as I rummaged through my luggage.
Tonight, I needed a wowza number, and it wouldn’t be for River’s benefit. There were tons of parties held by celebrities, record labels, and artists everywhere. And you could bet your ass I was going to be in it, looking like the queen of Sheba or something along those lines.
I was done being pushed aside. River and his stupid blank face could suck it.
I may be beaten down and definitely out of my element, but I’d be damned if I looked anything except stunning. If I had to go down, I’d do it looking like the Queen of Sheba.
By the time the clock turned six that evening, I was out the door. Tried as I might, I couldn’t forget River’s idiotic blasé expression. Yet determination fueled my blood.
I was going to have fun even if it killed me. Even if it was the last thing I did.
No more tears. I’d shed enough for River to last a lifetime. He deserved not a drop more.
The driver hired specifically to take me places was this toothy Algerian man named Basem. He talked as if he was rapping. We hit it right off. How could we not? Happy people were my people.
My first stop was Kyle Matthews’s very own party. His rented mcmansion was a mile away, so Basem didn’t have to drive me far.
Ever since the romance fizzled between us, Kyle had been one of my greatest friends. Sure, we didn’t normally keep in touch the way I did with Anton and Kells, but he was one of those friends who would be there for me no matter what. I was glad our relationship blossomed into something solid, and even though he had no idea I was back in River’s life, seeing a friendly face tonight meant the world to me.
“Cara! Just checking if you still look like a centerfold model, and yep! She definitely does! I guess nothing’s changed on your side of things.” Kyle greeted me with a massive hug before picking me up and twirling me. “God, it’s good to see you!”
He was obviously drunk, but it didn’t stop us from laughing our asses off. “Man, had I known you’d be this happy to see me, I’d have come sooner.” Kissing his cheek, I was grinning from ear to ear as he placed me back on the ground.
“You’ve been so busy lately it’s hard to catch up with you.” His eyes danced as he looked at my face, appreciative. “The party’s out back, but we’re all leaving in an hour to catch one of my bands play. You can come with if you’re into the whole music scene. I know most of the people come for the parties and the highlights.”
Parties went on all weekend nonstop. I could only guess how these people got down and dirty. And maybe I’d get to have a taste of that, too, but with people who didn’t know me well. Doing that around Kyle was definitely out of the question. This guy could barrel around any man who’d be interested in me. He knew what I’d gone through—not the entire story obviously, but the gist of it. I admired him for looking at me like as if I was a real person and not some broken woman he needed to help or piece together. He accepted me, broken and marred, without asking for any sort of explanation. His friendship had gotten me through some of the toughest of times, even though he had no clue at the time. He was a good man, and I cherished him all the more for being such.
“You go right ahead, lover boy.” I playfully punched him in the arm. “You’ll be too busy with the ladies, anyway. I don’t wanna get in the way. Besides, I’m just dropping in. I have another party to scope out in a little bit, so no worries.”
He winked. “All right, all right. Whatever you say. I’m just a call away if you need me to rescue you.”
He was a sweetheart and a sex pistol in one. A rare find in this part of the world.
If he wasn’t such a dear friend, I might have another go at him once this thing with River ended. But alas, I couldn’t go back and turn the clock on my relationship with Kyle. That boat had sailed into the sunset, never to be seen again. The next woman he fell for certainly was one lucky lady.
If only I could free myself of River and Juan, maybe I’d have a chance to find happiness, too.
If only …
Wishful thinking aside, the party scene was all I needed to distract me from the turmoil within. Kyle’s shindig was the typical scene: booze, coke, flighty people, grunge folks, emo folks, me-myself-and-I narcissists, actors here and there, musicians—a boatload of musicians everywhere and their obnoxious kiss-assers and pussy posse. Hangers-on in layman terms.
After Kyle left to go to the festival, I went on to the next party on my list. It was Justin’s Scott’s. His invitation via text message was one of the unread ones I decided to open this morning. He’d been coming on to me during the filming of Death Dealer, but I knew better than to mess around with someone on set. I’d seen enough of that kind of drama behind the scenes of Clover. It was the kind of drama I could do without.
The vindictive side of me wanted to do something crazy to get back at River for ignoring me. But I realized just before entering Justin Scott’s weekend rental home that the only person I was going to end up hurting was myself. River couldn’t care less what I did. In his eyes, I was engaged to Everett. Maybe it was one of the major reasons his dick h
adn’t responded to me the way it used to do. Was it because he saw me as unavailable?
But it was all a joke. How could he not grasp that? Yes, Everett’s intentions were sweet, and I even found it endearing. But at the end of the day, it was just a damn stupid joke. We were all on vacation, drunk silly, and all out to have fun. So, why did River not see it as one?
And as for Dulce … Okay, what I did was a little fucked-up. But in my defense, back then, I thought River and I were sexually exclusive. Sure, the ass didn’t declare as much, but I figured I’d be enough for him, a sentiment that greatly bit me in the ass big time.
If I reached out to River for the last time—I mean, properly voiced my side of things—would I be able to reach him? Or had I pushed him so far this whole thing was definitely irreversible?
Wondering about the what ifs wasn’t going to solve things. There was only one way to find out, and that was to go straight to the source, the man himself.
Basem didn’t even take a pause when I hastily asked if he could take me back home. The good man drove me back at such a speedy rate I barely blinked, and I was back to the house.
Wishing him a good evening after leaving him a generous tip, instead of heading straight into the main house, I took the scenic route by the golf course, a wide stony pathway lit with torches and palm trees with oversized fronds on both sides leading to the dozen villas on the property.
The stifling desert night did little to help ease the heaviness in my chest as I began to steadily pace myself on the trail.
The pathway began to widen farther, and a few steps more, another connecting route opened with a massive boulder sitting on the side with El Paraiso etched in the middle.
Passing the first villa, I saw there were about two dozen people littered around the place. None of them I remembered or recalled being in the crew. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were some random people they’d invited over while checking out the festival earlier this afternoon. As long as everyone was having fun, I supposed … whatever.
Shrugging, I kept on course.
El Mariposa. The second villa to the left.
Right.
It didn’t take long to find myself standing across from the villa. This place was so packed people were partying on the golf course lawn. People were sending me curious gazes, probably due to the unmistakable frown on my face. How the heck did I find River amongst the sea of people? More to the point, this was his idea of ‘practicing’ for the show tomorrow? Right. Oh, fucking right.
My little micro dress felt out of place surrounded by women dressed in short shorts up in their cracks and barely-there skirts. I could even see a good unshaven bush as she bent over while she scored some coke. Some dropped the pretense and just went straight to bra and a thong. Gotta give the chick some credit. At least she was honest.
“Damn,” I muttered under my breath as I overwhelmingly scanned the place. My frown deepened.
Someone tapped my shoulder. “Cara, right?”
“Yes …” My voice trailed off as I faced the guy with dreadlocks and a glazed look. Did I know him? And what was that on his nose? Was it a bunch of freckles or sunburnt skin? I couldn’t be sure. It was too dark out here to figure it out.
“I’m Jason. I work with lighting. We haven’t met.” He introduced himself with a lazy smile.
“Oh, hello, Jason …” Could I be any more awkward? “Uh, do you happen to know if River’s around here? “He said something about practice … but yeah, I guess it ended…”
He scratched the tip of his nose before cracking his neck. “They jammed some time ago. He and his bud left to party a few villas down.”
A few villas down. Uh, I needed more than that. “Do you happen to know which one specifically?” There were eleven to go through. Pinpointing the location would be a huge help.
He shook his head, sniffing. “Can’t help with that, sorry.”
“Okay, I guess I’ll try calling him …” I said as I fished my phone out of the tiny gold purse. “Thank again, Jason.”
Neck-cracking Jason threw me a winning smile before disappearing into the crowd. Glancing down at my phone as I bit down on my lip, I began to wonder if it was worth it to even bother calling him. River wouldn’t take it, anyway. Not with the way he’d been behaving lately.
I wasn’t a priority. Besides, he’s probably with Petra…
BUT.
Damn the but!
What if he’s chilling with Phoenix and the boys, drinking and playing their guitars?
The possibility of this happening wasn’t so far-fetched, either. So…
Should I stay …
Or should I scour the villas?
River never made things easy, did he? Ugh. All right, scour it is, then.
“Okay, whatever,” I mumbled as I retraced my steps back to the torch-lit pathway, trekking to the next one.
The third villa was a dud. The fourth a complete fiasco. The fifth one, however, I finally found someone I knew.
Finally, a speck of light in this damned dark tunnel. The light came in the form of a man named Phoenix. Who happened to be standing over a human-size bong in the shape of a woman and her very exaggerated enlarged bosoms. The man was lit to the hundredth power.
Could I even get something substantial out of someone who was flying high as a kite?
It was the only shot I had, so might as well.
Stepping into the rocky land of loose gravel and pebbles, I headed straight toward Phoenix and the A1 stoners surrounding him. He sure wasn’t wasting time pining for my friend, Kells. That was for damn sure.
“Phoenix?”
“Whaddup, chick chick.”
The guy could barely open his eyes. His smile, however, was the brightest and the biggest I’d ever seen him do. So, I guess that was something. “I’m looking for River. Do you know where he is?”
“River, River, River ... streaming down the River.” His laughter erupted along with the others. The hysterics didn’t stop until the fifth time he uttered the stupid words.
I’d never felt so out of my depth here. I knew I stood there, looking like a total loser since I was the soberest one in the desert valley, but hell, I just wanted to speak to River. Then I could carry on partying like the rest of them. Hopefully.
“Phoenix … Come on; stop messing around.” I was close to begging when some bright purple-haired girl took a break from sticking her tongue down another woman’s throat.
“He’s inside … second door. Left one,” she rapidly said before resuming tongue-twister.
He’s inside. Great. Time for the big reveal.
Letting out a choked sigh, I shot Phoenix a dirty look before whispering a quick thank you to the woman. She never heard me. No one did. They were too busy with their own thing to care.
Must be nice to forget about reality and submerge into another mental dimension. I could definitely use some … after dealing with River.
He could ignore all he liked afterward. I just felt it was high time I cleared the air with him. If my confession wouldn’t make a jot of difference, then there was nothing I could do about that. The ball was in his court.
Entering the hot, sweaty filled villa was a nightmare. Yes, the air-conditioning was on, but with the french doors wide open and people dancing around did little to help the roasting temperature. Breaking through the sea of sweaty folks so I could get to the other side of the room was a different experience entirely. I almost smashed into someone’s musky armpit for one—blech.
They really shouldn’t keep raising their arms as they danced. It was like a scene out of House of Horrors, only it was the House of Armpits. Hairy, smelly pits.
This night sure was getting better and better. I could imagine it would be the best it had ever been once I found River. Better yet, I could probably shove his nose in one of those wretched pits and make him smell the scent of success.
Well, I guess I could thank him for not bringing these people into the main house. The stank of horror
they’d produce while I tried to get some sleep didn’t sit well with me.
Thank God for that.
After the sea of armpits and the endless waft of muskiness, I finally reached the other side of the island without barfing. I shrugged as I tried to forget the stench while headed straight into the hallway. The first door to the right was a bathroom. Another next to it was a bedroom. Surprisingly enough, it actually sat empty. Treading along, I opened the next door. The one on the left side, just as the purple-haired woman had said.
Oh, River was definitely there.
Standing in the middle of the room like a King with his serpents. Tall and naked, getting his ill-gotten sword polished by Willa as Petra kissed him while massaging his damned jewels.
I couldn’t move. I was frozen on the spot, shocked, and horrified at the scene playing in front of me.
Willa, the fucking bitch. How long had they’d been fucking around?
I saw red.
I saw white.
Then it all became red. Bloody. Red.
“You. Worthless. Piece of shit!” I screamed the house down as my hand impulsively scrambled for the nearest object, which happened to be a green vase, before throwing it into River’s chest. “All this time, you have me believing you’re not interested in this bitch!” Bellowing ensued as I plucked another object, a lamp. I yanked it so hard it got pulled out of the socket before chucking it straight at the happy trio. “You and your idiot dick can rot in hell!” I couldn’t look at Willa, Petra, or River. It was impossible to since my eyes were covered in tears.
My body shook as I bolted out of the room. I punched and pushed my way out of the dancing pit. I dared not breathe until I reached the outside. My knees almost buckled as I approached the main pathway, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be humiliated like this. Oh, I’d break down all right, but when no one was around. I never licked my wounds in public. It was one thing to feel weak, but another entirely to have people witness it.
No, weakened as I might be, I wouldn’t let Willa get the last laugh.
Fuck her.
Fuck him!
