by V. F. Mason
Well, that was a bad thing to do, but I didn’t see any fucking connection with this place.
“Serena, the truth?” My voice was biting, but I needed answers.
“I wanted to have my own collection in Milan, you know, to be a fashion designer. I always loved clothes. It seemed fitting and I even had the collection ready.”
“But your drawings are not—”
“Drawing was something I liked to do in my free time and Mom encouraged it, but I dropped it altogether once she died. Anyway, Dad agreed to launch my designs, but after the stunt I pulled, he told me he would no longer do it. He decided, if I could survive here, living without being a Devlin, then he would do it for me,” she finished quickly and the room went silent.
So the summer was an act, making me believe she wanted the things I wanted.
Making me fall in love.
And all that time, I was what? A distraction she needed in the country while she counted the days until she could go back to her glamorous life? So she could go to Italy and live her dream? It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to be happy or have her dreams, but I just wanted to be part of it.
“Shane—”
“What was I?” She looked down, then up again with teary eyes. “Oh no, don’t you fucking cry.” I didn’t need her tears, as though she was the one in pain, as though she couldn’t take it, as though she was an innocent in all this. “You fucking used me this summer!”
“No, I didn’t! I came here, and we had this attraction, and then I fell in love with you.” Even if she were telling the truth, my bruised ego wouldn't see it. “Shane, I do love you. That’s why I wanted to tell you yesterday, after we decided to have a permanent relationship. Before that, we had just a fling. Don’t forget that!” She was pleading, but I knew she was right. It was supposed to be just for the summer.
She was Serena fucking Devlin, an heiress, and she was famous, beautiful, and rich. She had a career in the making and a whole amazing life apart from me.
And what the fuck was I? I left football, and I was stuck on the ranch doing fuck knows what trying to find myself and understand my roots. What the fuck could I give her?
“Shane, does it matter?”
“You think it doesn’t? I can’t give you anything.”
“I love you and you love me.” The feelings were there, and she was right. We were in love.
But I had to let her go, because the future for her with me wasn’t good. I would screw up her life, and she would be torn between me and her future. I didn’t want her to wake up one day, look at us, and regret the choice she made when she agreed to be with me. Guys in her world could offer her the life she was used to.
If only I’d stayed, I would have made it to the NFL, and then I would have been worthy of her.
I had to fucking let her go.
But before I did, I just wanted one final taste of her, of us, and everything we were. Something that would numb the pain once she was gone.
Leaning down, my mouth found hers and captured it in a soul-searching kiss. I probed her mouth, tasting her, and tried not to pay attention to her tearstained cheeks.
One last time, before I let her go.
We undressed each other and I took my time, making it last, but I needed her like I needed the air I breathed. We made slow love, where I could hear her every gasp, every moan, as though we were one. It was heaven, and the moment I entered her, I wanted nothing more than to forget everything but her and her wet heat. To forever be there, to feel every part of her and have the connection we shared. Have our love.
I tried to prolong it as long as possible, and she probably knew it was the last time too, because unlike usual, she didn’t urge me but was there with me all the way. Nothing perfect lasted forever though.
Once it was over, I pulled her into my arms and she fell asleep as my fingers played with her hair. My eyes drank in her beauty, memorizing as many details as possible.
Without wanting to, I broke my own fucking heart.
Serena
He was gone.
His smell was still on the pillow beside me, and I barely resisted burrowing my face into it and weeping all my pain away. Tears seemed like a useless thing to do, as last night was clearly a goodbye to everything we had shared.
And I had to face it.
He didn’t want me, because in his world I lied to him, and silly me thought his love would be strong enough to overcome it. Instead of fighting for us, he gave up easily.
Standing up, I ignored the ache in my muscles from our lovemaking last night. Acknowledging them would only bring memories of him back, and I didn’t want that. I showered with a lot of soap, because I didn’t want to have part of us in me or on me.
No one needed to see my pain, so the morning routine took more time than usual with a rather interesting hairstyle and flawlessly applied make up. I wore tight black jeans, a white T-shirt, and white ballerina flats, which weren’t exactly the best clothes for work, but there was my dad and everything else. I had to look good; somehow, it was vitally important for me. A knock at the door reminded me of where I was.
“Come in!”
“Hey, honey, how do you feel?” It was Becky, and then I saw Maggie come in after her. Part of me was happy to see them. Another part of me was afraid of their questions and knowing glances.
“Hey, I'm good. Was about to go down.” At least my voice was normal.
“Yeah, well, we took care of everything. You can rest.”
I smiled, but I knew they could see it didn’t reach my eyes. “I couldn’t stay in bed anymore. You know, I love to be doing something.”
They said nothing, and I checked myself one last time in the mirror. Nothing showed my heartache. Rolling my eyes, I almost laughed at the thought. I needed to stop being so dramatic.
“Babe—” Becky clearly wanted to say something, but I just shook my head and went to the door.
“He’s hurting.” I closed my eyes. Great, all of a sudden Maggie wanted to talk? Why didn’t she before, when we discussed something else? “He hates lies, and you lied. And by the way, you lied to all of us.” She sounded accusing. What was I supposed to say? I just didn’t get why people acted as though it was a big deal. It was still me. I was still the same person. So what if my surname was Devlin instead of Dane?
“Well, I'm hurting too, and Maggie, I'm sorry, but what difference does it make anyway? I am still me.” She looked like she wanted to say more, but just nodded, and out of the blue, hugged me.
“I like you,” she whispered. At least someone here accepted me. “Okay, let’s go down. I think your dad wants to talk to you.”
Yeah, well, I wondered what it was. I needed to survive three more weeks here with Shane, hoping like hell I wouldn’t have to see him much. But he’d showed some amazing skills on those days when he was avoiding me, so I probably didn’t have to worry.
When we went down to the kitchen, which was usually empty at 11:00 a.m., it was full of people. My dad and Alice sat near Hawk, Carter, Ren, and Grady—what the hell was he doing here? They sat around discussing something. They were friends now?
Of course, there was no sign of Shane, but it wasn’t as if I expected him.
Grady winked at me and Ren just stared, but his eyes weren’t kind. I figured he thought I hurt Shane, and he wasn’t impressed with all the lying I did. Shouldn’t he understand what it felt like to have a broken heart?
“Serena, baby girl, how are you?”
My mouth managed to produce a weak smile for my dad’s sake. “I’m good.”
He studied me for a second, nodded, then stood up, motioning for me to follow him.
We ended up in Hawk’s office, and we sat at his desk. “What’s up, Dad?” What else was there to say? He was probably leaving and wanted to tell me to keep up the good work and any other bullshit he could think of.
“Do you feel okay?”
“Um, yeah. Like the doctor said, it wasn’t anything serious and I'm all right.�
�
“Yes, I asked him if you could fly, and he gave the green light. We should leave tonight.”
My brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean leave tonight?”
“We’ll leave for New York.” He said it so matter-of-factly that I needed a second to react.
“Dad, I still have three more weeks according to our bet, or conditions, or I don't know what to call it.”
He sat at the desk, folded his arms, and studied me. I hated those looks, because they went too deep, and I had the feeling he knew me too well, and I didn’t know what to do with it. “Serena, do you seriously think after this I would leave you here? I never wanted to endanger you.” Remorse laced his voice, leaving guilt in my heart.
“Dad, come on, it was an accident! And it wasn’t a big deal. Generally, the ranch is nice, the people are great, and—”
“Well, I'm pleased to hear that, but you proved more than enough that you are capable of taking care of yourself and deserve a chance. And I would feel a great deal better if you came with us.”
I had no response to that. Suddenly, I realized Dad was very tired and had probably been worried. And with the whole business and his relationship, he didn’t need the excessive stress. Plus, he was right. If he thought I was done with his mission, nothing was left for me here. The purpose was served.
“Well, I—”
“I spoke with Carissa. She wants to have a meeting scheduled with you so you can present your collection.”
Well, it was everything I ever wanted; my dream was coming true. Why wasn’t I happy? I was just twenty-two, almost finished with my college degree, and had a collection I would love to present to the world with the help of my dad.
Why did I feel like crying, then? “That’s great, Dad.”
“Good, I’ll call Mark and we can leave in a few hours.” He took out his phone and proceeded with the things that needed to be done, and I quietly went upstairs to pack my belongings.
Since the first time Dad had mentioned the plan of his, I’d always imagined leaving the place happily and would have run around like crazy, packing my bags and rushing out with a loud “Hasta la vista, baby!”
Instead, emptiness settled into the pit of my stomach as my heart shattered into tiny little pieces.
I packed my drawings, closed my bag, and left the room for the last time, looking at everything. It was a memorable room. I had Shane here and the memories of all the amazing things we did. How could something so beautiful bring so much pain? I simply didn’t have an answer for that.
While going downstairs, I almost bumped into Ren. He glanced at me and at my bag and then back at me. He had a wistful expression on his face, a rare occurrence.
“You going?”
“Yeah, well….” I didn’t really know what to say, because we never talked much, and the moments we did, he was an asshole. The whole convo was awkward to say the least.
“Shane?”
“No, we’re done.”
He came forward, shocking the hell out of me by hugging me tightly to his chest. We weren’t close, and I never expected him to do it, but I shut my eyes and allowed him to hold me. Shane would never change his mind, and we were truly over, and in that hug, Ren showed me he felt sorry it was ending that way. Taking my face in his hands, he wiped a tear with his thumb. I never expected to see tenderness in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Serena. Believe it or not.” With that, he let go of me, picked up my bag, and carried it downstairs, leaving me standing there staring.
Ren was capable of being sweet. Unfortunately, he didn’t want to show or feel his emotions. Maybe that’s what I would become. Maybe people changed when they lost the one they fell in love with.
Downstairs, everyone was waiting for us. Dad was slapping Hawk on the back as they planned to meet, and Alice smiled at everyone, though I did notice she looked a bit sad over something. But I didn’t exactly have a friendly relationship with her to where I could ask what was going on.
I said bye to all the ranch hands, who told me to visit sometime. I took some pictures with them before Carter pulled me into a hug.
“Well, girl, didn’t expect you to be a princess,” he joked.
Yeah, no one did. He let me go and gave me an object wrapped in paper. I opened it up and saw the same statue he had in his car for protection and luck. Tears filled my eyes as I hugged him again. “Carter, you didn’t have to—”
“Nonsense. I know how much you liked it. I still can’t tell you who the artist is.” I felt so incredibly moved that he cared for me and remembered about it. “Call sometime.”
Giving him a light kiss on the cheek, I moved to Hawk.
“Well, I really thought this summer would end differently,” he started, but I shook my head, stopping whatever he wanted to say next.
“It’s okay.”
“I hope you got what you wanted from it, and I'm sorry for the accident.” Funny how wants and needs could change within a summer. That reminded me though.
“Hawk, that day I was running to you—”
“Stupid thing to do, girl.”
“Beth called and wanted to talk with you.” He stilled and something passed in his eyes, which seemed like surprise and hope at the same time, if something like that was possible. “She told me she would wait ‘til I got to you, but you know how that ended.” He hugged me close, and again I couldn’t breathe. These men were very strong when they hugged you, but that was why their hugs felt so incredibly great.
“Thank you, kid. You don’t know how much that means to me.”
I didn’t really know why he was so grateful to me. It wasn’t like I did much. In fact, I probably screwed that up for him. But I didn’t want to mention that.
“Serena?” I heard Maggie's soft call and I groaned. I totally forgot about her. What kind of shitty friend was I? I turned and she hugged me briefly, and I noticed she was wearing those glasses of hers again. “Be safe.” She gave me a folder. “I just wanted you to have them as a gift from me.” She blushed a bit but smiled.
“Thanks, but I don't have anything for you, I’m afraid.” These people all gave me presents and memories while I gave nothing back.
“It’s not important.” She thought for a second, clearly debating whether to say something, then decided to go with it. “I’m sorry for you and Shane.”
Yeah, weren’t we all? “Me too.”
I looked at Ren, who was watching us, but at the same time, I knew he paid more attention to Maggie, as always. And then there was Grady in the background, who did the same thing. They both wanted her and both were so different. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
She licked her dry lips, blushing. “Not really, no.”
“But do you know what you want?” I should have probably asked who but didn’t. She said nothing, but nodded. “Hope you get it.”
At some point, she would have fun, once she let go of her shield and decided to shine. I just wondered who would be beside her once she made that journey. I waved one last time and climbed in the car, a Cadillac Escalade, which was so different from all the cars on the ranch, and in the town in general, that it made me uncomfortable. Becky was silent and, for some reason, was acting weird, but I didn’t have time for that. Dad studied me before he stated, “You grew attached to them.”
“Yes.”
No one said anything more on the ride to the airport. There, I greeted Mark, boarded the plane, and we took off to New York.
Shane didn’t come, and I hated that a small part of me had hoped he would and wanted him to stop me from going away. I had to remind myself to be happy about the fact I would soon be home.
Would it ever be that good with anyone else?
First love should always come with a warning.
Dangerous to the heart, as it has the ability to destroy you.
Unfortunately, I had no one else but myself to blame.
Serena
I had been back home two weeks, and I tried my best to
blend in, but nothing helped. Becky was staying with me, since her parents still refused to speak to her, and they’d cancelled all her credit cards, so she was broke. My dad, as much as he loved her, told me that sometime soon she would have to figure out what to do with her life, because that wasn’t it. She stayed mostly at home, because the press still talked about the whole Matt incident, and she wasn’t in the mood to go out.
My moping around because of Shane was enough. He didn’t call or try to contact me, not that I was expecting it. I spent all day in the small room I used for a studio. It brought back all the things I had when Mom was around as I transferred my paintings to canvas. They were beautiful; even I had to admit it. That helped to numb the pain from missing the ranch and the people there, as well as lots of things that had happened. Dad, and everyone else for that matter, saw that I wasn’t in the best of moods, but he assumed it was because I was back home and the adjustment was difficult. If he’d talked with Hawk, he would know what was going on.
I was in the studio and almost done with my painting of Shane where he was leaning over the fence shirtless, just looking out at the road in front of him. The paintings and his gifts helped me to miss him less, almost as if a part of him was with me here in New York. After all, he loved my paintings and I used his presents, even though the colors I had in my studio were better quality.
I heard a knock on the door, and as it opened, I looked back from my seat. Alice slowly entered, bringing with her a tray of tea and some cookies.
That was another thing; since I came back, she made it quite easy to like her. I wasn’t acting like a spoiled brat, and she was taking time to bring me tea or snacks whenever I was painting, and we’d talk about news in high society or some other useless stuff like that.
“Hey, hope I didn’t interrupt.” She put the tray on the small table I had for occasions like that and sat down while she looked at the canvas. “Beautiful.”
