“How did your parents react to the news that you had been molested?”
She shrugs. “My mom was upset. She trusted Jim. He babysit all my cousins.”
“He molested them too?”
She nods. “Even the boys.”
“And your father? How did he handle it?”
“With anger.” She looks up at me with a stern expression. “The way he handles everything.”
“Did they tell you, Miss London, did anyone tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong?”
“The therapist did.” She wrings her hands together, looking away. “My mother couldn’t talk about it. My father wouldn’t look at me for weeks. He said I was ruined. Damaged. His little princess had been used.” She looks back at me. “He said it had to be a secret. No man would ever want me if he knew.”
“He said that to you?”
She stares at the floor again. “Yeah.”
I try to mask my anger. “Listen to me.” She looks up. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I didn’t stop him. He never forced me. He always asked, and I always said yes. I was a whore even then.” Her voice breaks as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, composing herself again. “I masturbated every day. I looked forward to Saturday night. He made me feel pretty and special.”
“He took advantage of a child. You were pretty and special, but you were just a little girl. You can see that, can’t you?”
She shakes her head. “Why did I say yes? Why did I let him?”
“Because it felt good. Because he paid attention to you. Because he said nice things and you needed to hear nice things. It’s not wrong to want that. It’s wrong that he was the person giving it to you. At ten years old, your parents should be the ones reminding you how precious you are. The adults in your life failed you on many levels.”
She crosses her arms, staring at the floor.
“Did therapy do anything for you at all?” I ask.
“The therapist talked to me like I was an idiot, like I didn’t understand what happened to me, but I did. She gave me a doll and asked me to show her how he touched me.” She shakes her head. “I knew what sex was. Half way through my sessions, I decided to have it. I picked an older boy in my school. He was sixteen. He had a truck. I let him drive me home one afternoon, and we went to a park and did it in the backseat.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Grown. No one took advantage of me. I wanted it. I pursued it.”
Ah. Now we’re getting somewhere. The source of her motivations.
“Did you see that boy again?”
“Around school, but for sex, no. I don’t have repeat encounters.”
“Ever?”
“Ever. One and done. No matter how good it was.”
I nod. She doesn’t let people get close. Then there’s no way they can reject her later. “And then?”
“And then I started hunting for dick.” She holds my gaze, as her wall goes back up. I know she wants to shock me, but she has no idea how much I’ve seen. There’s nothing she could say or do that would make me flinch. “I went after it all the time. The older I got, the older the men I pursued. I got a fake ID at seventeen and hit the clubs, but then my Dad’s career really took off, and my face was too recognizable. I had to go back to college boys. When I turned twenty-one, I went wild.”
“Describe that for me.”
“Sex every day with someone new. Sometimes more than once in the same day.”
“With a new partner?”
“Right.”
“Have you had any serious relationships?”
“No.”
“Do you want one?”
She pauses and then looks up at me, grinning. “Is that a proposition?”
“You know the answer to that. Messing with men got you in this situation, remember?”
She crosses her arms. “Yeah.”
“So for the last six years or so, would you say your sexual activity has increased?”
“I would.”
“And with it, your appetite for potentially dangerous situations?”
“Yep.”
“Does that make you feel pretty and special?”
She glares at me and I know I hit a nerve. “It makes me feel in control.”
“In control of what?”
“My pleasure. Why can men do this all they want and no one says anything? Huh? I’m a girl so I’m a slut, a whore, a sex addict. If I were a boy, my Dad would’ve slapped me on the back and called me a stud. A lady killer. But I’m a girl, so I guess that means I’m not allowed to seek sexual pleasure. I’m not allowed to have casual hook ups. It’s fucking bullshit.”
“I’m not here to talk about societal standards. I’m here to discuss destructive behavior. We’ve already defined the differences between slut and addict, yes? Do you need a reminder of what got you in that chair?”
“No.” She sits back, avoiding my gaze.
“What I hear is that you equate sex with power. You’ve had your power diminished by Jim, by your father, by society. You retaliate by seducing any man you please.”
She claps. “Well done, Doctor. I guess we’re done. I’m cured.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “You can be sarcastic if you wish. It’s up to you if you want to change your life. If you want to live the rest of your life having meaningless sex with faceless strangers, I won’t stand in your way. You just have to be willing to accept the consequences. So I’ll give you a few minutes to decide if we’re going to continue our sessions or if you’re going to leave.” She starts to speak, but I lift my finger to stop her. “Keep in mind, I have a long waiting list of people who want to see me, and I bumped you to the top.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re young and you still have your entire life in front of you. You haven’t ruined several marriages, alienated your children, lost jobs and friendships. You haven’t been arrested or exposed publicly for your addiction. You haven’t hit rock bottom, yet, and I don’t want you to. I rarely get a chance to help someone before they’ve fallen too far down. You still have a chance to be happy. I want to help you, but only if you want me to.”
After a moment of silence, her eyes meet mine. “I want to stay.”
I smile. “I’m happy to hear that.”
“What now?”
“Now, we talk some more.”
I SIGH. HE WARNED ME this would be hard and it is. I feel vulnerable, and I hate it.
He sips a cup of water. “I think it will be important that we discuss your relationship with your father as time goes on.”
“I hate him.”
He nods. “Yes, we’ll discuss that.”
I cross my arms. “So all of this is happening because I was molested?”
“When trauma happens, even if it doesn’t feel like trauma, a person will always find a way to cope with it. Some of those ways are healthy and some aren’t. Most people have a vice of some sort. For some it’s food, drugs, alcohol, or gambling.”
“For me, it’s sex.”
“Yes. It could’ve had the opposite effect on you. You could’ve buried your pain in cupcakes and gained three hundred pounds so that men wouldn’t find you attractive.”
I nod as he continues.
“Instead, you chose to be a seductress. You chose to exercise your free will in the one way it was taken from you. Can you see that?”
“I guess so.”
“You felt powerless on the way here. So you had sex with the man next to you.”
“But he asked me. I didn’t seduce him.”
“You gave off a willingness. Surely, he didn’t just randomly ask you out of the blue.”
“No.”
“If you found him attractive, your interaction with him reflected that.”
“I guess.”
“Just like now. You find me attractive.”
I pull my head back. “No, I don’t.”
Dr. Scott smiles. “Yes, you do. I can s
ee it.”
“How?”
“Your breathing is shallow. Your body language is open even when you try to close it. You lick your lips and fidget.”
“That’s not attraction. That’s discomfort.”
“I know for a fact that if I wanted to seduce you I could.”
I scowl at him, not believing he just said that to me. I wish it wasn’t true. Of course I’m attracted to him. Who the fuck wouldn’t be? “Shut up.” It’s all I can think of.
“The response of a woman that has no defense.”
“Think what you want, Dr. Scott. I know you won’t do anything anyway. You can’t. It’s against the rules.”
“You’re right. As I said before, you’re safe here. I would never take advantage of you. My role is much different than that.”
“Then why are you pointing it out? You get off making me feel stupid?”
“Not at all. I point it out because it’s good if you find me appealing.” He stands and walks closer, kneeling down in front of me. “It’s good because it will give you something tangible to work with. It won’t be hypothetical. You’ll have to fight your desire for me.”
“I think you’re full of yourself.”
“But you think it’s sexy. You like arrogant, strong men. The real reason you wanted to know my age and if I had a girlfriend is so you could determine if I’m an option for you. You wanted to calculate exactly how you could go about getting me in your bed.”
I hold his gaze, wishing I could look away, but not being able to. I bet he’s a machine in bed. I imagine for a moment what he must look like naked and what’s between his legs. I try to erase my dirty thoughts so I can focus.
“I know you more than you think. You’ve spent your life cultivating your sex appeal. You can get any man you want,” he says, softly. “You know what to do, how to bat your eyes, how to touch him periodically. You know that if you play with your hair every so often, he’ll also want to. You know you’re beautiful and you use it freely. You know exactly how to make a man want you so badly it’s all he can think about. If I were the average guy, it would work on me too.”
I stare hard at him as he calls me out, choosing to stay silent.
“You’ve thought about me already, wondering if I might be attracted to you. You wonder what I look like without my clothes on and if I have a big dick. Am I right?”
Fuck yeah, he’s right. I want to rip his clothes off right now. How does he know this about me? I know it’s a game though. There’s no way he’s flirting. There must be a reason for it. I close my eyes and scoot back. Then open them slowly.
“Are we done for the day, Doctor?”
“Am I right?”
“What do you want me to say? You want me to admit that I think you’re hot? You want me to stroke your ego?”
“I don’t need my ego stroked by you. That’s not where I get my self-esteem from.” He surprises me, putting his arms on either side of my legs, leaning close. “That’s what I want for you.”
“What?”
“I want you to get your own self worth from the inside. I don’t want you to need to be fed by the men you encounter. Even me.”
I say nothing and just hold his gaze.
“You don’t have to admit if I was right about anything today. I’m only showing you that I understand you more deeply than you know. I can see beyond the armor you’ve put on as protection. I know behind it, is a beautiful little girl with big green eyes and a trusting heart that’s been hurt. I want to help you heal. I want to see you be the woman you should be and let the pain that little girl holds on to go.” He moves back slightly. “Even if you don’t know you need it.”
I hold his gaze, studying his eyes. They’re kind, yet steeped in sex appeal. I believe him when he says he wants to help me. I want him to help me, but right now, I need to get out of here. My body’s on fire.
“Can I go now?”
“Yes.” He smiles and stands. “You can.”
“Thank you.” I stand and pick up my handbag.
“Oh, but we need to go over house rule number one.”
“What’s that?”
He smirks. “No masturbating.”
My heart sinks. “What?”
“You heard me. I know you want to go right now so you can touch yourself. That’s what you do when you’re agitated and alone. I want you to focus on not giving into that desire, that aching urge between your legs. Just sit with it all day, and let it be there.”
I swallow hard. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“You wouldn’t know if I did.”
“Yes I will because I’ll ask you and then I’ll see your answer in your eyes.”
I clench my jaw. “So I can’t have actual sex, and now I can’t even have sex with myself?”
“Do you think they negotiate drinks in rehab? You can’t have vodka, but you can have beer? Do you think when the drug addict comes in he says, okay I won’t shoot up, but can I smoke a joint? Cold turkey, Miss London.”
“And if I do it anyway?”
“There will be consequences.”
“Like?”
He smiles. “You don’t want to try me.”
“Fine.” I stomp out of his office. Ugh! Why did I agree to this? Once downstairs, I climb into the back of the limo, seething with frustration.
I sit back against the seat for the short ride back to my prison cell. Dr. Scott is mean. Mean and goddamn sexy. I can’t even sit still thinking about it. We pull up in front of the house, and I hurry inside. I knock on the door and wait for Lina to answer.
“Good morning, Miss Kaia,” she says, smiling.
“Morning.”
“Do you need breakfast?”
I shake my head as I walk back to my room. “No, thank you.”
She follows behind me, and I realize I can’t get back in without the key. Lina pulls it from her pocket and opens my door for me.
“Thank you.”
“Have a good day. Call if you need me.”
“Okay.” I go inside and lean against the door. My whole body is on fire right now. I pace the floor, taking deep breaths, then go and sit on my bed. I pull open the nightstand drawer, gazing at the vibrator I brought with me. I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to use it.
What if I took a bath and just washed myself? Really, really hard. That doesn’t count, right? I close my eyes and grip my breasts through my sweater. This is impossible. I sit on my hands, trying to save me from myself. I’m a terrible liar. If I do it and he asks me, he’ll know for sure. Then he might kick me out of the program and Dad will cut me off. It’s too much to risk.
I close the nightstand drawer and walk to the couch where I plan to sit quietly and focus on anything but what Dr. Scott looks like naked.
AN HOUR LATER, I OPEN MY EYES realizing I drifted to sleep. I stand and stretch, and then I remember the swimming pool. Oh, but I didn’t bring a suit with me. I pick up the phone to call Lina.
“Hello, Miss Kaia,” she answers. “What can I help you with?”
“I’d like to go swimming, but I don’t have a bathing suit with me.”
“Ah, I see. Well,” she giggles and sounds like a young woman. “You can go in your birthday suit. It’s private up there and Dr. Scott isn’t home.”
“Naked?”
“Or in your bra and undies if you prefer. I will tell Dr. Scott when he gets home and he can purchase a suit for you.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I hang up and sit on the bed. I haven’t been skinny dipping in ages, and I bet it would feel really good. I strip down and wrap a towel around myself, then open the door and walk up the flight of stairs in front of me. When I get to the top, I peek through the glass door, and then walk through. It’s a beautiful room surrounded by glass. Even the ceiling is glass. Convenient for watching the stars at night. I hang my towel on the nearby hook and jump into the heated water.
I close my e
yes and float, enjoying the feeling of being immersed in water. At least I have some luxuries here. This is just the thing to get my mind off of the handsome Dr. Scott and the nagging ache between my legs.
I GAZE AT THE SCREEN, wishing I could turn away, but knowing I can’t. She’s beautiful, that woman, and so free. She’s not weighed down at all by the chains of her overbearing desire. She floats through the water unaware that I can’t take my eyes off of her.
My whole body warms as she flips to her stomach and I see her ass bob through the water as she does laps. Then she rolls over and backstrokes easily while I focus on her incredible breasts. I have to be careful with her. She cannot become my undoing.
I force myself to close the screen out and exhale slowly. She’s not the only one that will have to fight off desire.
I grab my phone and keys and head home for the day. I pray when I get there she’s safely back in her room.
Inside my apartment, I chat with Lina for a moment who tells me that Kaia went swimming.
“Is she still?”
“I believe so, Dr. Scott.”
“Did she eat today?”
“No, sir. She wasn’t hungry.”
“Okay. I’m gonna take a shower and rest a bit before dinner.”
“Are you joining Miss Kaia for dinner tonight?”
“I am. In her room, please.”
“Okay.” She smiles and walks back to the kitchen as I head to my bedroom. I immediately check the monitor to see Kaia still floating in the pool. Fuck. I shouldn’t go up there, but I’m going to anyway. I strip out of my clothes and throw my swim trunks on, although I normally swim nude. I can’t handle both of us being naked.
I open the door and walk upstairs, acting as though I’m unaware of her presence. When I step in the pool room, she remains silent, her eyes closed as she floats. I clear my throat to get her attention.
She sits up and instead of covering up, she smiles. “Hello, Doctor.”
“Miss London.” I look away. “Enjoying your swim?”
“I am. It’s lovely up here. I didn’t have a suit to wear.”
I glance up, trying to look away, but I can’t. God, she’s fucking beautiful. “We’ll have to get you one.”
“Or not.”
Break Me Down Page 5
