“I’ve heard. Thanks for talking and trusting me with your story. It means a lot to me to have a friend like you.”
“Anytime and if you ever want to talk through those demons you know where to find me.”
I laugh softly. “I do. Thanks again, Elizabeth.”
“You’re welcome. Bye.”
I hang up and grab my suitcase, anxious to get home. Hearing what Elizabeth went through makes me feel so much better.
AFTER LINA LEAVES for the day, I give in to the urge to walk through the house. I put my hand on the doorknob to his bedroom, testing it to see if it’s unlocked, surprised when it is. I walk inside and inhale deeply. It smells like his cologne. I enter his closet, running my hands over the rows of expensive suits and dress shirts. Pulling open a drawer, I drag my fingers over the silk boxers folded neatly inside. I close the drawer and walk back into the main room where I lie on his bed, enjoying the feel of the luxurious bedding beneath me.
Closing my eyes, I imagine him above me, saying my name so sweetly, with that intense look he always has in his eyes. After a few minutes, I sit up and leave the room, knowing that if I don’t leave now, I never will.
I decide to go watch my movie now, hoping when I wake up in the morning, Oliver will be home.
FINALLY RIDING THE ELEVATOR up to my apartment after hours of traveling, I just want a hot shower and to see Kaia’s face. I open the door to a silent dark house, but as I walk down the hall, I see flickering light coming from the movie room. I peer inside to see Kaia sleeping soundly on the couch.
Immediately, my heart surges with desire to touch her. I stand above her, watching her sleep, and wondering what I’m gonna do. Two more weeks and she’s free. So am I. I could have her then. I could finally do the things I so desperately want to, but can I trust myself to treat her the way she deserves?
I sit on the edge of the sofa, watching her chest rise and fall with her sleeping breath. I can’t resist, so I reach out and run my fingers through her hair before dragging my hand down the softness of her exposed arm.
“Kaia?” I whisper.
She rolls over, looking at me for a moment before recognition hits her.
“Am I dreaming?” she asks, softly.
I smile, shaking my head. “No, I’m here.”
A slow smile spreads across her lips. “Good. I missed you.”
“Did you?”
She nods stretching her arms above her head and glancing at the TV screen. “I was watching Love, Actually.”
“Great movie.”
“My favorite.” She pulls herself up. “Everything go well in Chicago?”
“Yep.” I try to look away, but it’s nearly impossible.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Nothing, I’m just tired.”
“Oh, you should go to bed.”
“So should you.”
“If it’s okay I want to just go back and watch the ending of this. I fell asleep and missed it.”
“Of course it’s okay. I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Okay. See you in the morning.”
“Night.”
I walk away and head to my bedroom. Sitting on my bed, I stare at the door, knowing she’s just a few feet away from me and wanting to be close again. After several minutes, I stand and walk back, hearing her laughter as I approach. What a beautiful sound.
Peering in, she’s curled up in the corner of the couch, watching the movie, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. I’m entranced as her face reacts to the scenes playing in front of her. She’s so engrossed she doesn’t realize I’m staring at her. The credits start and she stands to turn off the movie, finally noticing me.
“Oh,” she says. “I thought you were going to bed.”
“I missed you too,” I blurt out. “I guess I just wanted you to know that.”
She smiles, walking closer, as I hold my breath. “Thank you.”
I nod, exhaling slowly. “We need to talk more about this.”
“About what?”
“This,” I say, motioning between us. “Whatever this is.”
She nods. “I know.”
“Because it’s not going away. Three days apart didn’t change anything.”
“Nope.”
I smile, cupping her cheek gently. “For now, I’m going back to my room so that I don’t…”
“So you don’t take me with you?”
“Right.”
She smiles, nodding. “Good night. Again.”
“Goodnight.”
I walk away, but turn back. “One more thing.”
“Sure.”
Walking towards her, I pull her close, inhaling her fresh, clean scent. I kiss the top of her head as she wraps her arms around me. Closing my eyes, I hold on to this moment, locking it in my mind. It feels so good. I step back, smiling. “Night.”
She smiles, saying nothing as she walks out and back to her room.
THE NEXT MORNING, I hear a soft knock on my door.
“Come in,” I call as excitement courses through me. I know it’s him.
“Hey,” he says, walking towards me as I sit on the couch. “I wondered if you’d like to go grab some breakfast and then we could have a session together.”
“Today? It’s Saturday.”
“Yes it is, but your parents will be here on Monday and I really think we need to talk before then.”
“Oh. Sure.”
“Great. I’ll be back in twenty minutes?”
“Okay.”
Rising, I walk into the bathroom to get ready. Why do I have the feeling this is gonna be heavy? After dressing and putting on my ball cap, I wait for Oliver to arrive. He does, wearing jeans and a sweater and my breath catches at the sight.
“You look so good like that,” I mumble.
“Do I?” he asks, smiling.
“I like your suits, but, uh, wow, Oliver.”
“Thanks, Kaia. You ready to go?”
“I am.”
He hands me a scarf. “I brought this for you.”
“Ah, good call. I need it.”
We walk out together and down the sidewalk, popping into a deli. Oliver orders some bagels and coffee to go, and we continue the short walk to his office. We ride quietly up the elevator as a grin falls over my lips.
“What’s funny?” he asks me.
“Dirty thought.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Elevators do that to me.”
“Interesting.”
“Maybe it’s a fetish,” I say, laughing.
“Nope. You know why it’s not.”
“Yep, I don’t need it. I just like the idea of it.”
“Ever done it?”
“What? Fucked in an elevator?”
“Yeah.” I notice as his voice is raspy.
“No. You?”
He shakes his head. “No. They don’t turn me on.”
He mumbles something I couldn’t hear. “I didn’t hear you.”
The elevator beeps for our floor, and he steps off, looking back at me and smiling. “I said until now.”
I just smile in response and follow him to his office. Sitting down, Oliver unwraps our bagels, handing me one.
“A legit New York bagel,” I say, taking a big bite. “Mmm.”
“Good?”
I nod, chewing. “Very.”
He watches me for a moment as he bites into his own bagel. “Are you ready for Monday?”
I shrug. “I guess. I kind of have to be.”
“You remember what we talked about?”
“Yeah.” I drag my finger through my cream cheese. “No matter what he says, I stay focused.”
“Right.”
I nod, licking my finger.
“Jesus, Kaia. I’m trying to work here.”
“What?” I laugh. “Oh. Sorry, I eat with my fingers sometimes.”
He shakes his head, smiling. “You don’t even know how alluring you are even when you’re not trying to be.”
&nb
sp; I smile and take another bite. After we finish eating, I wipe my hands with a napkin and sit back into my chair.
“We have to talk about stuff, don’t we?” I ask.
“Yeah, we do.”
“I’m ready.”
“You have a little over two weeks left in your program.”
“I know.”
“For those two weeks, we need to focus on your progress. We need to put everything else to the side.”
“And then? When the two weeks are over?”
“Then we’ll discuss that.”
“Okay.” I twist my lips for a moment, thinking of my next question. “So, it’s not transference, is it?”
“There’s a high probability that it’s not.”
“But we won’t know until I’m out of therapy?”
“Correct. There’s too much baggage hanging over us right now. I’m too conflicted to think clearly about it. You’re in a very vulnerable place. We need to remove those obstacles before we can see things how they really are. Does that make sense?”
“It does. Why did we have to come here to talk about it?”
“Because this is where we do therapy, and I want to keep it in that context for now.”
“I see.”
“I think we should do our best to limit some of our more intimate interactions.”
“Like when you held me last night?”
“Right.”
“Or when you kissed me?”
“That too.”
I tilt my head. “Or when I try to get you to touch me?”
I watch as his Adam’s apple undulates. “Exactly.”
I nod. “You don’t want to swim with me anymore?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Oh. You like seeing me naked?”
“Yes, Kaia. Any normal man would.”
“So, swimming’s okay. Eating together is okay?”
“Yes.”
“You just don’t want to kiss me or touch me, right?”
A smirk tugs at his lips. “You think I don’t know what you’re doing right now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is it intentional? When your voices lowers to nearly a whisper every time you flirt with me? Or does it just happen?”
“It just happens,” I reply.
“The way you tilt your head, copping that innocent gaze, but with a devilish smirk on your lips as you taunt me. Just happens?”
I nod, smiling. “Yep.”
“Right. Well, if you could try to control that, I’d really appreciate it.”
“Because it works?”
“Yeah, Kaia. Because it fucking works, and it’s interfering with my work. When I’m with you and when I’m not.” He smiles. “There. I admitted it. Are you happy?”
“Yes. I’m glad to know it’s not just me.”
“It never has been.”
She grins. “Okay, so what now?”
“Now, you focus on getting through this meeting with your parents, knowing that I support you, and I’ll be by your side the whole time.”
“Right.” I exhale slowly. “I need to get through that.”
“Yes and then after that, we’ll spend the rest of your time talking about coping mechanisms. What you can do when negative behavior comes calling.”
“I literally can’t imagine ever acting like that again.”
“Because you feel good right now.”
“Yeah.”
“Sound good? Our plan?”
“Yes. I can do this.”
“I know you can.” I notice how he looks down at his hands, rubbing them together.
“Oliver?”
“I don’t want to see you the rest of the weekend.”
“Oh.”
“It’s too hard to keep the wall up when we’re alone at the house.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?”
“It’s too hard for me, too.”
“Thank you for understanding. You know it’s not because I don’t enjoy your company.”
“I know.” We sit quietly for a moment. “Are we done now?”
“Unless you have anything else?”
“No.”
“Okay. I’m gonna stay here and get caught up on some work.”
“Cool.”
“Would you like me to call a cab for you?”
“It’s two blocks. I can walk. Unless you don’t trust me.”
“I trust you. Very much.”
“Good. The only person I want…” I halt my words. “You already know.”
“I do. I’ll see you later.”
“Okay.”
As I make my way home, I think about what will happen in two weeks. Will he make love to me? Will we be a couple? Does he want it as much as I do?
Walking down the busy sidewalk, I notice all the faces passing me. I feel really normal right now. I don’t feel broken and hurt like the first time I walked this way. I smile. Coming to New York was the right thing to do.
I CLICK ON THE MONITOR, hoping very much that she’s home now. My eyes search the room until I see her sitting on the couch writing in her journal. I relax, knowing my trust in her was warranted.
I hated telling her we couldn’t spend time together, but I have no choice. I need to prepare for Monday’s meeting as much as she does, and I can’t do that when she’s near.
A smile crosses my face while I watch her standing at the windows looking out over New York City. The sun shines on her, highlighting the color of her hair.
I’ll have to see her again, at least briefly, so I can bring her meals. I’ll just have to use all my power to walk away from her each time. I can do it. I have to.
AFTER A CHALLENGING WEEKEND of limiting my interactions with her, it’s finally Monday morning. I knock on her door and wait.
“Come in,” she calls out.
“It’s me.”
“I’m dressed,” she says, from her position on the couch.
“Your parents called. They’ll be here in an hour.”
“Awesome.” She stands and puts her hands on her hips. “How do I look? Respectable? Non-whorish?”
“You’ve never looked like a whore.”
“Even when I’m naked and throw myself on you in the pool?”
I smile. “Even then.”
She smiles. “Thank you. I’ve been thinking about that and I’m sorry. I probably made you feel uncomfortable around me.”
“You don’t have to apologize. It’s just the way it is between us. Almost from day one.”
She nods. “Yeah.”
“We just need to focus on today.”
“I know. I’m ready.”
“Good. I thought we could go in together today. I’m sure you’re nervous and could use the extra support.”
“I appreciate that.”
I adjust my cuff link while she puts her jacket on.
“I don’t know why, but I find that crazy sexy,” she says.
“What?”
“The way you touch your cuff links. I guess because it just adds to your total look. Not a lot of men wear them these days.”
“I like them. I think they pull the look together.”
“They do. You just drip sex, you know that?”
I laugh. “Drip sex? Another new one for me.”
“Oh, I’m sure women think it around you. They just don't tell you like I do.”
I bow my head slightly. “I appreciate it, Kaia. Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah. Back to the real world.”
I walk towards her and take both her hands in mind. “We’re good, right? We can handle this.”
She smiles, just slightly. “Yeah, we’re good.”
I gaze into her eyes, so filled with longing and desire. I don’t remember the last time a woman looked at me like that, if one ever has. I want to kiss her. I want to throw her over my shoulder and take her to my bed. I want to hold her hand and touch her hair. I want to everything with her.
“You good?” she asks. Her knowing eyes reveal she knows more about me than I want her to.
I nod. “I am. Let’s go.”
“Okay.”
I open the door to Lina holding two bananas. “Breakfast?” she says.
We each take one as Kaia thanks her. As we head to the lobby, she slaps the banana against her hand. “So many inappropriate things I could say.”
“But?”
“I’m gonna keep it in check. I have an important meeting coming up.”
“Good girl.”
She tilts her head at me and smiles. “Just because I have impulses doesn’t mean I can’t control them. At least that’s what I’m learning.”
“Well played, Kaia.”
“Can we walk?”
“We can. I avoid it because every time I’m on TV, I get random questions from strangers. I don’t always like it.”
“I bet.” She looks up at the sky. “But it’s a nice day. Not as cold as it was Saturday.”
“I agree. Let’s enjoy the sun. It won’t be long before she hibernates.”
ONCE INSIDE HIS OFFICE, I sit nervously waiting for my parents to arrive. This is gonna suck. Bad.
“Coffee?” he asks.
“Sure.”
He leaves the office and returns a moment later with a cup. I sip it, focusing on the warmth of it, the aroma, the taste. A few minutes later, Oliver’s desk phone rings, and I brace for impact. Here we go.
“They’re here,” Oliver says, softly.
I nod and look up to see my parents heading towards me. Oliver opens the door and greets them as I sit quietly on the couch. I stand, noticing how weak my legs feel.
“Kaia,” Mom says, coming to me. She offers a hug which I stiffly return. I look at Dad, who just returns my gaze, emotionless, cold. He nods and sits in the armchair near me.
“Can I get you anything before we start?” Oliver asks.
“We’re fine,” Dad says.
“Okay,” Oliver replies. “Why don’t we just get to the reason why we’re all here. Miss London has—”
“We know why we’re here,” Dad interrupts.
Oliver narrows his eyes. “As I was saying, your daughter has made a great deal of progress since she’s been here. We’ve talked about the things in her past that led her to seek my support. She has some things she’d like to talk about.”
I sit again and stare into my coffee cup. I don’t know if I can do this.
Break Me Down Page 15
