“Yes, sir.”
I walk back to my room and peek in making sure Kaia is gone. I start the shower, peeling off my clothes. Standing under the hot spray, I remember the feel of her skin, her lips, her breasts. I close my eyes reflecting on the night. I’ve never been able to spend a night with a woman I didn’t fuck. Never wanted to. I rub my face and twist my head back and forth under the water, stretching my neck. She’s different. Special. All the more reason why I have to stay away from her. I would ruin her.
My dick is hard as a rock, but I refuse to take care of it. I don’t deserve release. I didn’t earn it. I don’t have the right to jack off to the memory of her body. I turn the faucet to cold and brace under the icy blast. I let my lust get the best of me twice already. I won’t do it again. I don’t care how much it hurts.
HEARING THE SOFT RAPT on my door, I call out. “Come in.”
Lina peeks in. “Good morning, Miss Kaia. Dr. Scott requests you to join him for breakfast on the veranda.”
I fight back a smile. “Oh?”
“Yes. It will be ready in thirty minutes.”
“I’ll be there.”
She smiles and leaves. Hmm. I thought for sure he would retreat behind his professional facade. I walk into the bathroom and brush out my hair, running my fingers through it. I stare at myself for a moment. I look happy. Not just a pretty shell, but a pretty woman. I smile. He’s saving my life.
Thirty minutes later, I sit on the edge of the bed, putting my shoes on, when the door opens. I’m surprised to see Oliver.
“Hi,” I say.
He nods, looking tense. “I’m not going to lock your door anymore even during the day,” he says.
“No?”
“You’ve proven you won’t run. You’ve earned my trust.”
“Perhaps you should continue to lock it.”
He tilts his head. “Why is that?”
“Because there’s something in this house I want more than anything I could find outside of it.”
“I still trust you.”
“Thank you.”
“Let’s eat.”
I follow behind him out to the veranda. It’s beautiful up here, high enough to have a view of more than just buildings. I can see the Hudson from here, and the air is crisp this morning.
“Do you need a sweater?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No.”
Lina walks out and places a bowl of fresh fruit all cut up, two bowls of yogurt, some granola, and two cups of coffee. She stands smiling at both of us until Oliver looks up at her.
“Thank you, Lina.
“Oh, yes. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”
I sip my coffee, chuckling softly. “I take it this is new for her?”
“Very. She’s never seen a woman in this part of my house. Especially a client.”
“I feel special.”
“You are.” He looks down and pours granola on his yogurt. “I’m sure you’re surprised I asked you to join me.”
“A little bit, yes.”
He stares at his breakfast, clasping his hands together. “I’m fighting a battle right now. A battle I’m not sure I’ll win or what winning even looks like.”
“Okay.”
“As your therapist, I shouldn’t be anywhere near you. We should never touch, never talk about anything outside of therapy, and most definitely we shouldn’t do what we did last night.”
“I know.”
“But as a man,” he looks up and his green eyes seem to shine. “As a very lonely man, I want to. You bring light into my world, Kaia. I’m used to living in the dark, and I don’t how how to handle it. I don’t know if I should send you home early or lock you in here forever.”
I stir my yogurt thinking of my response to his intensity. “What would cutting me loose early do for either of us?”
“It would save you from me.”
“What if I don’t want to be saved, Oliver?”
He stares into his coffee for a moment before speaking. “I’ve never had to separate my personal feelings from my professional ones. You’ve been amazing. You were wounded and trying to find a way to heal the wound, but you didn’t have the right tools for the job. Now you do. I want to believe that you don’t really need me anymore.”
“What do you think of me as a woman? Independent of therapy?”
“I don’t know that I can tell you that yet.” He looks out at the view. “I don’t know that I’ve been able to define it. I do know one thing though.”
“What?”
“Last night, for me,” he pauses, looking back at me. “It was …”
“Wonderful?”
“Yeah, wonderful.”
“Before I found you, I hated myself. I knew I was beautiful and men wanted me, but I couldn’t feel anything but lust or loathing. Today, I looked in the mirror, and I smiled. I smiled, Oliver, because I recognized that I was happy. And I’ve never been happy. You did that for me. You gave me the tools to heal the wound.”
He nods as I continue.
“I can see you’re wounded, too. I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened to you, but I can feel it. When I was with you last night, I was so proud because for once in my life, I was really happy to be held, just held and kissed so sweetly my heart felt like it would burst. No man has ever held me like that. No one’s kiss has ever touched me so deeply. I think you’ve been looking for ways to heal your wound too, but you haven’t found it. Not until now. I want to help you heal like you helped me. If you’ll let me, I won’t let you go.”
“I’m not ready yet.”
“I know. Will you tell me when you are? I’ll wait.”
He nods and sips his water. “Do you want to continue treatment?”
“Yes.”
He finishes his coffee. “I’ll see you at the office.”
“You will.”
He walks inside, and I lie back against my chair. I wouldn’t leave him now if the world was ending.
An hour later, I walk into his office to find him facing the window staring out over the city below him.
“Doctor?”
He turns around. “Kaia.”
I walk over to the arm chairs and sit, setting my bag down. I’ll wait for his cue to understand what he has planned today.
“How do you know?” he asks. His body language is agitated as he walks towards me, his hands buried in his pockets.
“Know what?”
“How do you know that I’m wounded?”
I look down for a moment while I process his question. He sits across from me, crossing his leg over the other as he always does.
“I didn’t until last night,” I begin. “Even though you’re trying not to show me, I still see it.”
“How?”
I shake my head slowly. “I’m not sure. Maybe because I know what it looks like.”
“It bothers me. It makes me feel …” he stops, shaking his head.
“Vulnerable? Exposed? Weak?”
“Yes.”
“I know. I’ve been there, remember?”
“Yes, but I haven’t.” He clenches his jaw. “Is this how it feels to get the scab ripped off?”
“You told me once that it would hurt, but when the hurt diminished, it would be the best feeling in the world.”
“I did.”
“I want that for you. I crave your happiness.”
“Kaia …”
“You can tell me what happened to you. You can trust me.”
“No.” He shakes his head and buries his face.
I stand and walk to him, kneeling on my knees before him. “Oliver, you’re safe with me.”
“I can’t. Not even to you.”
I rub my fingers over his cheek. “You’ve lived like this for so long, haven’t you? You’ve denied yourself happiness. You think you don’t deserve it.”
“Stop it, please.”
“You think you don’t deserve me,” I whisper. “You’re not a monster, Oliver. You
’re the man I love.”
His eyes open wide, shaking his head. “No, you don’t love me. You can’t.”
“I can’t not love you. Even if you don’t love me back, I don’t have a choice.” He closes his eyes. “Tell me what happened to you.”
“No!” He stands up, pushing me away. I sit on the floor, my eyes filling with tears. He walks across the room and turns his back to me. “You’re not a fucking therapist.”
“No, I’m not. But how many of them have you seen that didn’t help? How many, Oliver?”
“I’m not talking about this anymore.”
“You brought it up. Not me.”
“Yeah, I know.” He turns around, his arms crossed. “We’re done for today.”
“Is that how you handle things when it’s hard? You just shut down? You’ll make me leave and nothing will change. You’ll still feel this way when I’m gone. Is that what you want?”
“Go back to the house, Kaia.”
“No.”
“You will do as I say.”
“I won’t.”
“Why are you pushing me like this?”
“You need me to.”
He glares and then walks over to my side, towering above me. “You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
“I’m not scared of you. I never have been.” I reach up his leg. “Do whatever you want.”
“Get up,” he demands.
I stand and he grips my chin. “You should leave me alone. You don’t want to find out why I call myself a monster.”
“I can be the one to tame you.”
“Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for that?”
“It’s not a sacrifice. It’s what I was made for.”
“God, you drive me crazy.” He pulls my arm until I’m sitting on the small couch nearby. “Don’t move,” he growls.
I shake my head. My knees start to shake as he pulls the belt from around his waist.
“What are you going to do with that?”
“Punish you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not obeying. Turn over and lay on your stomach.”
“No way.”
“What?” He pulls his head back.
“I said no. You can’t punish yourself by punishing me.”
“I’m fucking serious, Kaia. Do it.”
I close my eyes, considering my options for a moment. I pushed him to anger, but I don’t think he really wants to do it. He wants to make me leave so he doesn’t have to deal with this. I don’t know if this is going to work, but I’m going to try.
I slide to the floor on my knees. “Fine. If you want to punish me, for doing nothing wrong, then you may. If you want to spank me with that belt, or tie me up, or fuck me till morning with a machine, then do it. I won’t fight you anymore, because if it’s what you need, then I want to give that to you. I submit to you completely, Oliver.”
“Kaia,” he whispers.
“It won’t change how I feel about you. It won’t change anything. I’ll still come to you tonight, still lay my head against your chest, and still pray that you’ll kiss me.” My eyes fill with tears. “I want you to be free, Oliver. With me.”
He stares at me, dropping the belt, and sinking into the chair in front of me. I crawl until I’m sitting between his legs. He reaches out and strokes my hair.
“Why are you so fucking perfect?”
I lift his hand to my mouth and kiss it. “I was made just for you,” I whisper. “I keep telling you this. I belong to you, whether you want me or not.”
“But I need …” he pauses, looking away.
“Tell me what you need.”
“I need to be able to…” He stops again, holding his tongue. I think I understand.
“You need to punish me? Is that it?” He looks up, eyes wide, then slowly he nods.
“Why? Because it makes you feel in control? Or does it please you sexually?”
“I don’t know. It’s just what I do.”
“Do you want to hurt me?”
“No.” He cups my face. “Never.”
“But you want to spank me with the belt? You want that.”
“I do. It’s disgusting, I know.”
“Why is it disgusting?”
“You don’t deserve it. You’re sitting here telling me you love me and you want my happiness, and I’m thinking about what those belt marks would look like on your skin. I’m sick, Kaia. You don’t believe me, but I’m a monster.”
“You’re not.” My tears flow freely now as my heart breaks for him. “Oliver, you’re not a monster. Just tell me what happened.”
“I can’t. I just can’t.”
I nod. “Then do what you need to do. Punish me.”
“I want you to go home and get away from me. Lock yourself in your room, so I can’t come in.”
“You have the key. You’ve always had the key.”
“I don’t want to do this to you.”
“Yes, you do. I can take it. You know I can.” I kiss his mouth softly. “I want you to do it.”
“No, you don’t. You’re just saying that.”
“I’ll break all your rules. I’ll touch myself right in front of you. I’ll make you so mad you have no choice.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Don’t do that.”
“I’ll give you a reason.” I lean back so that I’m sitting flat and pull my dress up, rubbing myself through my panties.
“Stop it,” he says.
I exhale slowly, tugging on my nipple piercing through my dress, knowing how much it turns him on.
“Goddammit, Kaia.”
Suddenly, he’s straddling me, his fingers twisted in my hair. He tugs hard, pulling my head back.
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“Because I love you.”
“Is this what you want? You want to break me down until I can’t resist you?”
I nod. “Yes,” I whimper.
“And then what?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
He searches my eyes silently for several moments. “Go home. Wait for me in my room. Be naked.”
I nod. “What are you gonna do?”
“You’ll find out.” He grabs my wrist. “Do not touch yourself. Do you understand me? I will know, and I’ll be very disappointed if you defy me.”
“I understand.”
“Good.”
“What about Lina?”
“Go through the pool room. She won’t come in my room.”
“Okay.”
He stands up and turns away from me as I collect myself. I stand, walking over to him and touch his back as he stares out the window.
“What, Kaia?”
“This is what’s supposed to happen. You and me. We need each like the earth needs the sun. Whatever happens, whatever you do to me, I want it. You need to remember that.”
He turns to face me. “I will.”
I kiss his lips softly, surprised when he returns it. “I’ll be waiting.”
He nods, saying nothing else.
I walk downstairs to the lobby reeling from what just took place.
I WALK BACK TO MY DESK and slump in my chair, emotionally exhausted. I have so many emotions, thoughts, feelings, and goddamn desires going through my head. How the fuck does she get me on that level? I just have to figure out if she can really handle it like she says she can. Can I really let the beast out of his cage?
I rub my forehead. I might scare the shit out of her. I could lose her. I shake my head. Is she even mine to lose? How can she think she loves me? She doesn’t. She thinks she does, but it can’t be. She doesn’t even know me yet. She doesn’t know what I really am.
I turn on the monitor and watch her. She sits obediently on the edge of her bed, staring out the window in front of her. I watch as she lifts the phone and moments later, Lina enters her room. They have a brief discussion, and I can see Lina fidget with discomfort. I wonder what’s happening right now.
A
few minutes later my office phone rings. “Oliver Scott,” I answer.
“Dr. Scott?” I look back at the screen as I hear Lina’s voice.
“Yes, what is it?”
“I’m sorry to bother you, but Miss Kaia, she asked if I could call you for her. I hope it’s okay.”
Her voice is shaking and I feel bad realizing how much I’ve scared her into only calling me at work in an emergency. That Kaia is a persuasive one though.
“It’s not a problem, Lina. Put her on the phone.”
I watch the screen as Lina hands Kaia the phone and steps out of the room.
“Hi,” she says.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What is it?”
“I just have this feeling that you're over-thinking everything. I think you’re torturing yourself right now wondering if you should show yourself to me.”
I stare at the screen in shock. How does she know this?
“If you are,” she continues. “I just want to ask you not to. Just give me a chance.” She pulls off her dress as she waits for my response. “I’m going to be waiting for you. Should I be on the bed or the couch or the floor?”
I swallow hard admiring her form on the screen. “You are so beautiful,” I whisper, realizing I didn’t mean to aloud.
“Can you see me?”
I sigh. “I’ll be home in an hour.”
“Oliver. Are you watching me?”
I’m silent for a moment before answering. “What would you think about that if I was?”
“I would think that’s the sexiest thing ever. I would wonder how many times you’ve watched me sleep, dress, and bathe. I would wonder if you’ve ever gotten off while looking at me. Have you?”
“No. I don’t allow it.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“Turn around.” She does, searching the room with her eyes. “Above you to the left of the bed on the rafter.”
She smiles when she sees it and it feels like she can see me too. “That’s fucking hot, Oliver. It would be hotter if self-pleasure wasn’t forbidden.”
“I know, but it is.”
“Wouldn’t it be nice though to watch me?”
“Don’t you dare. You’ve already pushed me too far.”
She smiles. “I won’t.”
“I’m going to be home in an hour. Be on the bed.”
Break Me Down Page 18
