Kaia rubs my hand as I glance at her.
“I didn’t even fuck her. I just watched her, crying and begging me to let her go. At one point, I slapped her face, but for me, in my head, it was a game. I wasn’t trying to hurt her.” I exhale slowly. “She asked me if I was going to rape her or uh, hurt her.” I shake my head. “It tore my heart out when I realized how scared she was, and that she thought I was a murderer or a rapist. I untied her and she kicked me in the balls telling me she was going to have me arrested for kidnapping.”
Kaia gasps softly.
“I didn’t know what to do, so I called my professor to talk about it. He helped me understand that I didn’t kidnap her, but I definitely crossed a line, and I needed to seek help about that.”
“Did she press charges?”
“No, but I knew what I did. She consented to play, to a point, but I didn’t respect her boundaries. She asked me to stop, and I didn’t. After that, my whole world changed. I felt like I couldn’t be trusted so I cut myself off from sex. I watched porn and masturbated until I was sore, but no women. I went to sex clubs all over the city watching people act out their fantasies. It became an overpowering need to see some kind of sex every day, but not to participate. Over time, I learned more about deprivation and implemented it in my life. I discovered that I found pleasure in denying myself and it kept women safe from me.”
“So you became a voyeur?”
“Yes.”
“And what happened with that girl is the reason why you call yourself a monster?”
I nod. “Right, but it’s even more than that. It’s the way I think regardless of what I actually do.”
“When is the last time you had sex with a woman?”
“Years. I don’t remember.”
“Wow. You don’t even masturbate anymore?”
“I’ve slipped up twice since you’ve been here. I was so turned on, it’s like my hand had a mind of it’s own. Before that, it had been years. I’m pretty good at dealing with my desire. At least I was until you came.”
“But, you’re a sex therapist. You talk about sex all day long. You deal with people who can’t control themselves. It’s like an alcoholic working at a bar, isn’t it?”
“Not for me. I get a great deal of pleasure out of helping others, and it reminds me of where I could be if I fell.”
“I see.” She rubs my back, silent for several moments. “Do you ever talk to your dad?”
I shake my head. “About five years later after the fight, my dad came home early and found my stepmom fucking some teenager from down the street on the couch.”
“A teenager?”
“Yeah, he was like fifteen, I think. Same thing, tied up, riding his face. Nothing changed.”
“Do you know what happened?”
“Yeah. Dad lost his shit. He pulled her to the floor and was about to kill her, they said. The kid called the cops and when they got there, my stepmom was passed out cold. My dad had punched her. He got arrested, but the kid told the cops everything and how it had been going on all summer. It started when he came over one day and offered to cut the grass.” I sigh. “Then two more neighborhood kids came forward. Then three more that were adults by then and had moved away. Dad started to realize that I didn’t rape her after all. She raped me.”
Kaia wipes her face, clearing away the tears that stream down her cheeks.
“She was arrested and charged with six counts of child endangerment and sexual abuse. My dad called me and asked me to testify, and I told him to fuck off. He tried to convince me that I could get her locked up for a long time and she wouldn’t be able to do this again, but I hung up on him.” I look at Kaia, fighting back my own tears. “He never told me he was sorry. I was just a kid and she took that away from me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“After that, I called my professor and mentor and told him everything. He encouraged me to testify regardless of how I felt about my father. He said it would feel good to get it out. So I did. I spilled all the horrific details in court. It was the only time I ever saw my dad cry. She was found guilty and charged with the maximum sentence. She won’t get out until I’m fifty, and she’ll be a very old lady.”
“What happened after that?”
“Dad apologized finally. He said he didn’t know, and he thought I was just a horny teenager. I knew it crushed him. He moved to India or something. He lives in some sort of yoga community away from the real world. He couldn’t be a part of this anymore.”
“What happened to your real mom?”
I shrug. “She left a year after I was born. I don’t know where she went. We’ve never heard from her since.”
“Oh,” she says softly. “Do you still do the other things? The sex clubs and porn.”
“None of it. I’m in recovery, Kaia. Cold turkey. Until you came.”
“I messed things up for you.”
“No,” I say quietly. “You messed up how I planned it, but your presence has done a lot for me.”
She smiles softly. “Is there more?”
I take a deep breath and continue. “That pretty much brings us to today. I help people like me so that I can breathe. If I can pull one soul back from the depths of their pain, then I feel like I have a reason to be here.”
“What about your pain? What about your soul? You’re not healed.”
“I know that, Kaia. I’ve always known that. I keep hoping that the more people I save, someday I’ll be saved in return. I don’t know why it hasn’t happened yet.”
“Because you were waiting for me.”
“I believe that on some level, but I also don’t trust myself not to hurt you.”
“I trust you. You had the opportunity today, and you let it go. I even gave you permission, and you couldn’t do it. The urge might be there, but the conviction isn’t. Maybe it isn’t love for you, Oliver, but I know you care about me. I’ve known since the first night I spent in your house. I know because every time I’ve thrown myself at you, you resist. Is it because it turns you on to hold back? Perhaps, a little, but I believe it’s because you only want what’s best for me. You don’t want to hurt me.”
“I don’t. I can’t. You’re too good. Too perfect.”
“I’m not perfect. I’m the same as you. Don’t you see that? We’re two imperfect, broken souls that can be healed by loving each other.” She touches my tattoo. “I’m the love that will tame you. You’re the love that put me back together.”
I stare into her eyes, so full of compassion for me. It’s amazing how she understands me, how she knows what I feel inside.
“Why don’t we try something new?” she says. “We both know how to be wrong, how to wallow in darkness, how to thrive in the addiction. Why don’t we try love? Neither one of us has done that before.”
“I don’t know how.”
“I already told you.” She smiles. “Love will teach you.” She leans forward and kisses my lips. “I’ll be here every day reminding you of what a spectacular man you are. I’ll teach you as I learn. I’ll hold you until the day one of us leaves this earth. I will love you as much as one person can love another.”
I close my eyes. My heart feels so heavy in my chest. Opening my eyes again, I gaze into hers as she becomes blurry. I give in and lie in her lap, wrapping my arms around her waist. I let the tears fall, having held them in for twenty plus years. When she realizes what’s happening, she leans forward, embracing me and kissing the top of my head.
“You’re safe now, Oliver,” she whispers. “We’re safe together.”
I HOLD HIM AS TIGHTLY as I can while he cries. I’ve never had a man cry in front of me, and I’d be willing to bet Oliver’s never let his guard down this much. I rock him in my arms for several minutes as he silently sobs. It’s tearing my heart out that he’s lived with so much pain for so long. That he’s sacrificed his own happiness to try and save other people.
Several minutes later, he wipes his face and sits up. He can’t look
at me, and I know he’s struggling with his manly image right now.
“I hope you don’t think I’m weak.”
“Far from it, Oliver.”
Finally he looks at me. “Thank you for pulling this out of me. It’s been a long time coming.” He looks down at his hands. “I’ve never cried about it. Not once.”
“Did you go to therapy?”
“Once, but I quit.” He smirks. “I thought I could handle it on my own.”
“Sounds familiar.”
“Yeah.”
We lie back in the bed, and I lay my head on his chest. We’re silent like this for several minutes.
“I didn’t run,” I say.
“I know.”
“I still love you, Oliver.”
He squeezes me. “I know. It’s the only reason I was able to tell you.”
“I have a question about your practice,” I say.
“Sure.”
“You got famous helping some high profile celebs, mostly men, am I right?”
“Correct.”
“How do you help them? Surely not in the way you’ve helped me.”
“No,” he shakes his head. “Definitely no. Very few of my clients require those tactics. Only you and one other female so far.”
“What did she do?”
“She asked if she could walk back and then talked a guy at a coffee shop into fucking her in the bathroom.
“How did you know that?”
“She confessed. I put her on lockdown. She couldn’t even be trusted to get to the office.”
I laugh. “Dumb girl.”
“She didn’t take me seriously. She did after that.”
“I bet. Is she well now?”
“Last I heard. She’s married and has a child.”
“Were you attracted to her?”
“No,” he says, softly. “I’ve never been attracted to a client.”
“But you said to me before that you’ve avoided temptation before.”
He chuckles softly. “I was just trying to calm you down.”
I laugh. “Got it.”
“Only you’ve been able to bring me to my knees.”
I tickle his chest. “So, the men?”
“I get a variety of clients with different levels of addiction.”
“Okay.”
“The celebrities that come to me rarely have a sex addiction problem in most cases. They have an impulse problem. An ego problem. Their narcissism leads them to feel untouchable and they fuck around, eventually getting caught. It would ruin their careers to admit they’re just assholes, so they pull the addict card. They go to rehab. They let pictures be taken of them leaving my office. They look contrite. They do press conferences to show how much better they are.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with them?”
“No. The first time I was contacted by a celeb, I turned him down, but he begged me to take him on. All of a sudden, I was getting interview requests from the media.”
“That was, um, Tom Mavers, right?”
“Right. The man that cheated on his wife with twenty women. He gave an interview singing my praises about how I helped him through his darkest hour, and he was a changed man. Overnight, I was highly sought after, and I had to hire people to help me manage the calls and the appointments. Now I’m very exclusive. I take the money from the celebs and other high profile clients because there are people out there that can’t afford to see me. I can lower my rates for them, because I don’t need the money. I can do volunteer work for people that are truly broken. I can live and work in Manhattan because of these celebrity gigs. It balances out for me.”
“Makes sense.” I smile and take his hand. “Why did Tom pick you?”
“He saw me when I delivered a speech to the graduating class at his son’s university. He looked me up and decided I was the man that could help.”
“And you did?”
“I did. Even though it’s not something I initially wanted to do, I’m thankful for him. He changed my practice and honestly, you wouldn’t be here right now if that hadn’t happened.”
“And you’re happy I’m here?”
“Very. When your dad called me, I looked up your picture and the first thing I thought was no fucking way. She’s too young, too beautiful. Your eyes sucked me straight in.”
“Why did you say yes then?”
“It was your eyes again. I couldn’t say no. I wanted to know what happened to you. I wanted to help. I wanted to see you in person. I think I was obsessed before you even got here.”
“But you were prepared to send me away that first day.”
I was. I had to if it was gonna work. I’ll tell you though. You walked in, and your face blew me away. It was long before I knew you were gonna be different. I just didn’t know you would end up changing my life.”
“So how do you feel now that you’ve told me everything?”
“Honestly? Like I just completed years of therapy. I feel like I was bound and you just cut the ropes. I’m not healed. That will take time, but for the first time in my life, I want to be better. I want to feel something other than pain.”
I smile. “That’s wonderful.” He pulls me close. “I have another question.”
“Anything.”
“How long have you been watching me?”
“Since the day you got here.”
“Why?”
“To make sure the rules are followed. Initially, anyway.”
“And then why?”
“Because I can’t take my eyes off of you. I watched you sleep, swim, write. All of it. I’m not able to see into the bathroom though so that’s the one place off limits to me.”
“But I could’ve masturbated in there.”
“Yes, you could’ve, but there’s no way to have a camera in there and still respect your basic privacy.”
“So you never watched me take a shit?”
He laughs. “Definitely not.”
“You saw me naked every night, laying under the ceiling fan, thinking about you.”
“Yes.”
“And you never did anything about it.”
“I enjoyed it. You’re just as beautiful on screen as you are in real life. I wanted to come to you so many times. I wanted you to break the rules so I could have a reason to tie you up again, but you wouldn’t. You were so obedient.”
“That first night was enough to prove to me you were serious. There were times I wanted to, but I wanted to please you more. I guess you taught me deprivation too.”
“It can be useful. Now when sex happens for you again, you’ll appreciate it so much more.”
I smile. “I get it. You know what you’re doing.”
He sits up, pulling me upright. “Remember when you suggested that we try something new?”
“I do. What did you have in mind?”
He cups my face, kissing me softly. “I want to do something I’ve never done. Ever. I’ve read about it and heard other people talk about it. I’ve even seen it in movies, but I’ve never experienced it for myself.”
“Whatever you want, Oliver.”
“I want to make love to you.”
My mouth falls open.
“I want to be gentle and kiss you and lie against your body listening to your heartbeat. I want to take my time and enter you slowly. I want to know…” he pauses as his eyes hold my gaze. “I want to know how it’s supposed to feel. When there’s no pain, no one trying to hurt the other, and no kink. Just you and me and this bed until morning. Several mornings from now.”
“I’ve never done that either.”
“Would you like to try?”
“More than anything.”
“I just need to do one thing first. It’s a formality, but I need to.”
“Anything.”
“It might be stupid at this point, but I can’t do this knowing we still have a professional relationship. It’s against everything I believe in, and I’ve already broken so many rules with you. I need you
to agree to end your therapy. Right now.”
I smile. Is that all? “I would like to end my therapy sessions with you effective immediately.”
For the first time since I met him, a genuine smile spreads across his face.
“Consider it done.”
“Now what?”
“Now,” he leans forward, kissing me softly. “Teach me how to love you.”
I cup his cheek, gazing into his eyes. I nod, smiling. “We’ll learn together.”
He leans forward kissing me, so softly, so sweetly. I lay back, pulling him down with me and wrap my arms around his neck, twisting my fingers through his hair as we kiss. Opening my legs, he settles between them, pressing against me in the most delicious way. His kisses move away from my mouth and nestle in the curve of my neck, then down across my collarbone, further down, gently nibbling each nipple. He tongues the metal bar in my left breast, rubbing his lips over it and sighing.
“I love this so much,” he whispers. I just nod in response, barely able to moderate my own breath. He kneads my flesh, gently, not using force, and it brings a smile to my lips. He’s not a monster at all.
He drags his tongue down over the curve of my stomach and lingers just above the sweet spot. I can feel his breath as he uses a finger to explore the folds of skin that lie there.
“Beautiful,” he whispers, running his finger up and down. “I’ve wanted to do this since the moment I saw you.”
“I’ve wanted you to.”
He extends his tongue, dragging it slowly up, while holding my gaze. I hold my breath as he does it again, then exhale long and slow.
“Feel good?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“I have a philosophy about going down on a woman.”
“Tell me.”
“I believe if you’re gonna do it, you should do it with unbridled enthusiasm. You should make her feel like she has the sweetest pussy in the world, like you can’t live without a taste.”
I nod, breathing hard.
“It’s such a treat, Kaia, to have your body before me. To be invited in. To taste your sweetness. I hope you know how incredible this is for me.”
Break Me Down Page 20
