Instead of You

by Anie Michaels

  I don’t know if my friends noticed some difference in me and my demeanor, but they started treating me differently as well. They no longer coddled me or handled me with gloves. They joked around with me, teased me, hugged me without sadness, and that, too, was better. I was in the midst of beginning to remember Cory, instead of constantly being reminded that he was gone. Holly and Becca no longer avoided topics for fear of bringing him up and making me sad. Instead, we talked about him, we laughed over our memories, and even if just a little bit, the guilt eased.

  I smiled when I opened my locker and saw his picture. I laughed when Todd retold the story of the time Cory took his clothes and tossed them downriver once when we’d all gone skinny dipping. Things were getting better, and I wanted to cling to that, to bring it with me all the time just to show everyone, to say “Look! I miss him, but I didn’t end with him. We have to keep moving, in part, because he can’t.”

  Along with all the joys of living again, there also came the fear of what would happen when it all came crashing down. Someday, if Hayes and I continued, everyone would find out about us, and they would all have an opinion about it. There were moments I couldn’t care less what other people thought, but then I’d think of our parents, of Mrs. Wallace specifically, and I’d feel nauseous. I didn’t want to have to explain to her how I’d been in love with Hayes for two years, but still stayed with Cory because I loved him too, just not in the same way.

  Thinking about it gave me headaches.

  However, watching Hayes lightly tapping a pile of papers into a neat stack was more than enough to ease those fears. The bell hadn’t rung yet and students were still trickling into the classroom. The desk next to me, Cory’s old desk, had remained eerily empty. We didn’t have assigned seats, people could sit wherever they wanted, but no one had taken the desk Cory had claimed as his own, right next to me. So, when a body slid into it I startled, my gaze pulled from Hayes and landing on Nathan Patterson.

  “Hey, McKenzie,” he said with an easy smile.

  “Hi, Nate.” I was a little confused. Nathan had never spoken to me before and he definitely hadn’t ever sat next to me in class.

  “We don’t have school on Friday. District in-service, or something like that.”

  “Yeah, three-day weekend,” I replied, still unsure as to why he was speaking to me.

  “Well, Thursday night everyone is going over to Ryan Holstater’s house. You’ve been there before, right?”

  “Yeah.” Ryan’s house was the same place Cory and I had gone camping. Where the picture in my locker was taken.

  “Well, I’m officially inviting you.” He said the words as if I should have been grateful to him for the invitation.

  “Oh,” I stammered, unused to boys I didn’t know inviting me to go places.

  “Yeah, it’s no big deal, just bring a tent, or, ya know, share one.” He winked at me and I had to hold back a grimace.

  “Can Holly, Becca, and Todd come too?”

  He shrugged. “The more the merrier. Just make sure if you guys want to drink anything, you bring your own. BYOB.”

  “Mr. Patterson, I need you to go back to your seat. I’d like to start class.” Hayes’s voice was authoritative and stern. Nate just leaned back in his seat, getting comfortable.

  “I’m good here, Mr. Wallace.”

  The room fell silent as a hush spread through, everyone waiting to see how Hayes handled his first insubordinate student. I watched as Hayes practically burned a hole through Nate with his gaze, the muscle in his jaw twitching. A few seconds felt like forever, but finally Hayes responded.

  “Suit yourself, but the side conversations end now.”

  With that, the class began, and we all got our first taste of Mr. Wallace in a bad mood. He was short-tempered, snappy, and not the easygoing, playful teacher we’d enjoyed for almost two weeks.

  When the bell rang the students practically jumped out of their seats, trying to get out of his classroom as soon as possible for fear he’d assign extra homework for stragglers. I packed up my bag and could feel the heat of his eyes on my back, knew he was watching me, and when I was just about to walk out the door I caught his gaze.

  He looked angry, but not at me. He looked angry with himself.

  I hurried to my locker and just as I was about to close it Ryan Holstater leaned his shoulder against the locker next to mine.

  “Hey, McKenzie,” he said with a bright and friendly smile.

  “Ryan, hi.” I closed my locker and gripped the shoulder strap of my messenger bag, trying to look as though I was ready to leave.

  “I just wanted to invite you to my house tomorrow night. I’m having another campout and wanted to make sure you knew you were invited. I know you usually came with Cory, because he was on the team, but….”

  His words faded away and so did my apprehension. Ryan was obviously trying to show me I was still a part of the group, still accepted by Cory’s friends, even though he was gone.

  “Thanks, Ryan. That’s really nice of you. Nate just invited me last period too.”

  Ryan rolled his eyes. “Don’t let Nate keep you away. That guy, if he wasn’t on the swim team, I’d totally kick his ass.”

  I laughed, thankful that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t impressed by him. “Do you think I could bring Holly, Becca, and Todd, too? They came with Cory and me to the last one, we all had fun.”

  “Definitely,” he said, again with a friendly smile.

  “Okay,” I replied brightly. “I’ll ask them if they want to go. Thanks for the invite.”

  “No problem, it’d be great to have you there.” His words sounded sincere and friendly, nothing like Nate’s invitation.

  I waved to him as I walked toward the doors leading outside, trying to hurry.

  “Kenzie!” I heard Holly’s voice from behind me and turned to see her jogging down the hall, dodging between people, weaving her way through the crowded hallway. “Hey,” she said, out of breath from the sprint.

  “Hey, is something wrong?”

  She shook her head and let out a breathy, “No.” Then she took a deep breath and continued. “I just wanted to catch you before you left. What are you doing tomorrow night?”

  “I don’t know yet, why?”

  “Todd and I got invited to Ryan Holstater’s house. I wanted to know if you wanted to go with us.”

  I laughed. “Man, this must be one awesome party. Ryan just invited me too.” Nothing spread faster through our high school than news of parties.

  “Yeah, and Jacob Matthews just invited Becca.” Her eyes were wide, a fantastic smile on her face, and eyes sparkling.

  “He did not,” I deadpanned, truly shocked. Becca had been crushing on Jacob Matthews since the middle of last year but had only been brave enough to ask him to dance at our winter formal a few months before. The fact that he’d invited her was huge news in our little circle of friends.

  “He did. So we need a total intervention before the party tomorrow. We have to go to Becca’s house and do her hair, her makeup, make sure she’s wearing the right outfit. This is her shot, Kenz.”

  “This is huge.” I was still a little shocked.

  “I know!” Holly squealed. “So, you’re in? She’s gonna need all the backup she can get.”

  “I’m totally in.”

  “Okay,” she said, slowly walking backward away from me. “Tomorrow after school we go to Becca’s. I’ll pick you up at four thirty.” She waved and I waved back.

  “See you tomorrow.”

  And just like that, normality smacked me right in the face. Crushes, parties, wardrobe decisions. It was all so familiar. I took just a moment to feel it, to let the emotions wash over me, but then I ran down the hall hoping to still catch my bus.

  I made it to the parking lot just in time to see the last bus pull out of the parking lot.

  “Damn it,” I said to no one but myself. I reached into my bag and pulled out my phone, thumbing a text to Hayes.

&n
bsp; **I feel like a second grader telling you this, but I missed my bus. Any chance you can give me a ride?**

  I wandered back inside, hoping maybe I’d run into Holly again. I did a lap around the entire school and hadn’t seen anyone I could catch a ride from when my phone buzzed in my hand.

  **You know where the equipment room is? Down the arts hall, by the practice rooms?**

  **Yeah.**

  **Meet me in there in a half hour. I have a few things to finish up and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to wait here with me. Sorry.**

  **No problem. See you there. And thanks.**

  I sighed, but then decided to head to the library to get some work done while I waited.

  Thirty-five minutes later I was silently cursing myself for losing track of time while doing my homework, and I turned the corner heading down the hallway to the equipment room.

  I’d taken band my freshman year, my mother still clinging to her dream of my future career as a flute player, so I’d been inside the room which stored all the marching band outfits—tall black hats and all. The hallway had multiple doors, all of which had tiny windows. Some of them were covered with paper so you couldn’t see inside, and some of them were left uncovered. Beside the equipment room there were a few practice rooms. They were meant for band or choir students to use to rehearse, but I knew they got much more use as a place to hide while you skipped class, or a dark room to make out in during lunch.

  The window to the equipment room was uncovered and I could see it was dark inside. I let out a relieved sigh, glad Hayes wasn’t waiting around for me. I opened the door and stepped inside, my hand immediately reaching for the light switch, but another warm hand stopped me.

  I yelped in surprise, even as I was being pulled all the way into the room, then pressed against the wall right beside the door.

  “Shhhh,” Hayes whispered. “I don’t want anyone to know we’re in here.”

  “You scared the crap out of me,” I panted while trying to slow my heart rate.

  “I’m sorry.” His words were sincere and coupled with a warm palm cradling the side of my face. “I missed you, and I just wanted a quiet minute alone before I have to drop you off and pretend like you’re not mine.”

  His words both broke my heart and stole it away. Before I could respond, his lips pressed softly against mine. We’d not had much time together since the night on his couch the week before. He’d been working a lot, trying to take care of his mom, and the few times I’d tried to go see him, my mom had come along. So when he kissed me, I kissed him right back.

  Both of his hands moved to rest against the wall above my head, allowing his body to bow into mine, pressing me harder against the wall, the front of him firmly pressed into me. My arm went slack, allowing my messenger bag to drop to the floor with a loud thump, but then my hands wound around his waist, moving up the center of his back, holding him to me.

  My hands moved up, over his shoulder, and oh, God, biceps. Without warning, he pulled his mouth from mine, just far enough to utter breathy, clipped words.

  “I can’t stand seeing you every day and not being able to touch you.” The words barely made it from his mouth before it was assaulting mine again. I understood exactly what he was saying, was feeling exactly the same way he was feeling, but I didn’t want to pull my mouth from his to tell him so. I just wanted to feel him. To soak in the connection and chemistry that I shared only with him, to bask in the way my body ignited around him, for him.

  His hands came down from the wall, which pressed his torso and hips even closer to me. I felt gentle fingertips roam down the side of my body, but then his firm grasp was on my rear, gripping me, pulling my leg up and holding it behind the knee around his hip.

  When his mouth moved from my lips to my neck, I sucked in a dragging breath.

  “Hayes, we can’t do this here,” I whispered, even though I really wanted to do whatever came after that. His tongue was tracing lazy circles on my collarbone, then gently biting; it was maddening. “Oh, God, that feels good.” My fingers went to his nape, but his hair was tied back so I didn’t get the silky strands I was looking for. He grunted at my touch, moving his lips back to my mouth. The kiss slowed and he lowered my leg, eventually just wrapping his arms around my waist.

  When he finally pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine as we caught our breath.

  “You’re not going to that party with Nathan Patterson, are you?”

  “What?” My voice was high-pitched and incredulous. Suddenly, everything became clear. “No. I would never.” I couldn’t see him very well, but I knew he was looking in my eyes, trying to see something that wasn’t there, perhaps trying to figure out if I was telling the truth or not. “Is that why you dragged me in here? You’re trying to mark your territory?”

  “It kills me to watch every guy you pass check you out. Then that Nathan prick just sat down next to you and invited you to a party, and I just had to stand there and fucking take it.”

  “Take what? You don’t have to take anything, Hayes.” I reached my hands up to cup his cheeks and make sure I had his attention. “Nathan invited me to a party, but I’m not going with him. He’s not going to be my date.”

  “But you’re going?” His voice registered somewhere between hurt and angry.

  “I’m going with my friends. To a party.” I tried to calm him by gently rubbing my thumbs across his cheeks. “I’m not going with Nathan. I’m just going to try and do normal stuff, like I used to.” I could feel him nodding, as if he were attempting to understand my position.

  “I’ve just spent so much time watching you with Cory, or imagining you two together because it was too painful to come home and see it with my own eyes. But now, we’re still not together, not really. I can’t stop that asshole from swooping in and trying for his shot with you. And it kills me.”

  “Hey,” I said more forcefully. “You’re acting like I’m up for grabs, like being with anyone else is even a consideration for me. I’ve thought about you just as much as you have me in the last two years. Imagining you up at college, with older girls, girls who have more experience, who are smarter, who can, I don’t know, drink an alcoholic beverage with you.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “What I’m trying to say, unsuccessfully, is that no one is going to swoop in and take me away. The best parts of me, the parts that matter, are already with you. Always. No one is going to change that.”

  “I’m going back to Bellingham tomorrow.”

  His words might as well have been an arrow shot directly into my lungs for all the breath I lost, for all the air I couldn’t take in, and all the burning in my chest.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I have to go back every two weeks for a meeting. Thursdays. I was going to tell you, hoping you would come with me.”

  I instantly sagged with relief, my forehead falling against his chest.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked, clueless.

  “I thought you meant you were leaving, like, for good.”

  “No, just for the night. I’ll be back Friday.” He paused, his hands running slowly up and down my back. “Come with me,” he whispered.

  I was tempted. Oh, how I was tempted. But it didn’t feel right. Tomorrow I needed to be at a high school party with my two best friends, and I needed Hayes to understand that, to let me have that part of my life back.

  “Becca really needs me to be there for her tomorrow. And I really need to be there too. I need to take these seemingly insignificant steps back toward normalcy.”

  There was silence between us, hanging from us, dripping like fat raindrops from green leaves.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Kenz. I’m afraid that every step you take back toward normalcy will only take you in the opposite direction of me.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that, couldn’t really argue with him because I could understand how he felt that way. I could see his point of view and see how doing normal high school senior thin
gs could make me think I no longer wanted what he and I shared, would only highlight the gap between us. I wanted to ask him to have faith in me, to trust that I only wanted him, only us.

  But I didn’t have words powerful enough. So I kissed him instead.

  When he pulled away minutes later, nothing felt resolved. In fact, for the first time since he kissed me in the rain, everything felt fragile. Like watching a plate fall to the floor, knowing it would crack into a million pieces when it finally hit. We were in slow motion, hurtling toward our epic fracture.

  I just prayed something would break our fall.

  Chapter Fourteen

  McKenzie

  School on Thursday sucked. I didn’t have any better words to describe it. People were buzzing about the party, making plans, and for some reason, the fact that I was even going was big news.

  Big.

  Stupid.

  News.

  At least five different guys asked me if I had a date to the party and all seemed very disappointed when I told them I wasn’t taking a date, that I was going with my friends. Halfway through the day I’d almost told Holly and Becca I wasn’t going to go. Thoughts of sneaking away with Hayes ran through my mind, and I second-guessed myself to the point of madness.

  But then Becca looked at me with big blue eyes and asked me to help her choose an outfit, and I knew I had to go. I had to be her crutch for the evening. Besides, if things went south with Jacob, I couldn’t just leave her there with Holly and Todd, then she’d be the third wheel and depressed. No, I needed to go to be her backup. So, I’d be the fifth wheel. And I was mostly okay with that.

  Until I got to History and spent the entire period trying to reassure Hayes with my eyes that everything between us was fine.

  I did, however, fail to hold in a snicker when at the beginning of the period he announced a new seating chart. I was completely surrounded by girls.

  Hayes wouldn’t be home before I left with Holly, and the idea that I wouldn’t get to tell him good-bye before he left for Bellingham bothered me. I pictured him sitting at a fancy coffee shop, full of overeducated people, a particularly smart blonde across from him, gazing into his green eyes. I didn’t want to think about what could happen. And I knew I was driving myself crazy with the same insecurities that were making him crazy as well. I would just have to trust him, and trust myself to believe enough in what I felt for him, to believe in us enough to know everything would turn out all right.