Instead of You

by Anie Michaels

  “Come on,” he said, nodding his head toward the door.

  I followed him back into the club and he walked straight toward Holly and Becca on the dance floor. He tapped Holly on the shoulder and she turned around smiling, then did a double take, and finally shock registered on her face. Becca was staring at him with wide eyes as well.

  “I’m going to take Kenzie on a walk. I don’t want you two walking home. Call a cab.” He shouted this at her over the loud music and then pressed a folded twenty into her hand. Holly looked down at the money, then back up at Hayes, and then to me, still confused. That was when Becca stepped forward, both her hands grasping the sides of my shoulders.

  “Are you okay with this? You want to go with him?”

  “Yeah, I’m good,” I said, warming from the inside at my friend’s concern for me, but also shaking from adrenaline at the thought of being alone with him. Her hands stayed on me as her eyes drifted to Hayes. She studied him for a moment, his expression never wavering, looking confident and possessive at the same time. Then her eyes came back to me. “You need to text me in an hour if you’re not home. If you don’t text me, I’ll call you nonstop until I hear from you.” I nodded and she turned back to Hayes. “If you fucking hurt her, I’ll kill you.”

  “I get it,” he responded, not unkindly. His reply was understanding and soft.

  She nodded and then repeated, “Text me.”

  “I will,” I promised. With that, Hayes led me out of the bar.

  We’d been outside approximately ten seconds before he spoke. “So, I guess you told them what happened between us.”

  “I did. But only ten hours ago, so it’s still pretty fresh in their minds. Which is probably why Becca went all mama bear on you.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets and we slowly walked down the street. It seemed much of the student body was out celebrating being done with finals, so we passed many people on the street. Lots of girls who, like me, were wearing ridiculous shoes and short dresses, all walking in packs. Guys were out too, their heads turning with every girl that passed. The convenience store on the corner was full of people trying to buy beer. The pizza place was packed with people who preferred to sit and talk over the club scene. But after a few minutes, the farther away from the outskirts of campus we walked and the closer to the academic portion, the crowds dwindled and the night became quiet and calm.

  It was strange, walking through campus with Hayes, both of us silent. But it was also surreal. Three days before I never thought I would see him again, and now he was right next to me.

  “So, your mom is doing well?”

  I had no idea what else we were supposed to talk about, so I went with something we’d sort of already covered.

  “Yeah. It was rough at first. She started counseling and it was hard. After Cory and Dad died she’d tried really hard to just push everything away, tried to just go on, and that was probably her first mistake. So, when counseling started it was just her having to work through everything. It started with Cory, but once she started to work through it she realized that she’d never thoroughly mourned my dad, so then it was like she had to start over and trudge through the grief all over again. And then once she’d started to heal, I realized I hadn’t dealt with their deaths either.”

  Something inside my chest tightened at his words. Not only did I ache thinking about him grieving his family, but I understood. I also went through a few weeks where Cory’s death hit me hard after Hayes had left. I couldn’t imagine what it felt like for him and I wished, more than anything, I’d been there for him through it.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Sorry he’d gone through it at all, sorry I wasn’t there for him, sorry about the entire situation because it sucked for everyone.

  He looked over at me and met my eyes, saying, “It’s okay. Mom is great now. She bought a ranch. She has horses and pigs and goats and chickens. I’m good, too. The only thing that’s been missing for the last three years is beside me now, so I can’t complain.”

  My heart stumbled. And so did I. Literally. My heel caught in a crack in the sidewalk and I would have gone down if Hayes hadn’t reached out and grabbed my arm. He pulled me back up and I was pressed into his chest. His hand was still wrapped around my arm, and my hands were splayed across his front. He didn’t move away and neither did I. I chose to focus, instead, on the way his chest was moving in and out rapidly with his breaths. Also, the way his other hand slid around my waist, pressing me closer to him. My breath caught and before I could stop myself, I let my head lean against him, let my hands run up him, let my fingers curl around his neck, and I held him. My heart started up again when both his hands wrapped around me. His head came low and he pressed his face into my neck, and everything in that moment was perfect.

  He smelled the same and he felt the same, if only a little stronger. But he was still my Hayes and he still fit against me perfectly.

  After a few long moments he pulled away, but not far. His hands came up to frame my face and he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my forehead. It was a sweet kiss but I was torn between appreciating the gesture and wishing he’d pressed his lips against my own instead.

  My hands rested on his forearms, my thumbs moving over the fabric of his t-shirt. I felt as though there were some invisible force field between us, holding me back. A very large part of me wanted to throw myself at him, to kiss him and be with him, but there was something there that kept me at bay. Fear? Fear that if I let myself be with him for even one night it would end up hurting more in the long run. Or it could have been anger that he’d left me to begin with? I didn’t know exactly what held me back, only that it was a strong force because I was buzzing with need to touch him.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” he said, the words slightly mumbled as his mouth was still pressed lightly against me.

  “I’ve missed you too,” I said quietly. Then, “Ever since you left,” with a little sting to my voice I couldn’t contain. I pulled away a little, but not enough to break contact because I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. His knees bent and his eyes were suddenly level with my own.

  “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Kenz. I’ve hated myself every day since, but I didn’t have any other choice.”

  I did pull away at his words. “You didn’t have a choice? I didn’t have a choice, Hayes, because you left without giving me one. You made the decision for me. So, don’t pretend like you were forced to leave me behind. You did that.” I stepped away from him and turned, still wobbling in my heels. Not from the drinks or the height anymore, but from the adrenaline pumping through me. But I didn’t get far before he was in front of me again, hands on the outsides of my shoulders.

  “You were eighteen, McKenzie. Eighteen. No eighteen-year-old should be tied to a man who couldn’t be there for her. You were going away to college. You were starting a new part of your life and I didn’t want to be the person who held you back from that.”

  “You didn’t even ask me what I wanted.” My voice was a whisper.

  “And if I had? What would you have said?” He moved in closer, his hands moving up; one stopping on my neck while the other moved to my cheek.

  “I wanted you, Hayes. Any way I could have you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “That’s exactly what I was afraid of—that you’d choose me and then eventually, when it didn’t work out, we’d be over.”

  “But we’re over anyway, Hayes.”

  “Not if I have anything to do with it.” He said the words softly, his thumb running gently over my cheek.

  I closed my eyes. My senses were so overwhelmed, adding sight into the mix was overload. His touch, his smell, the sound of his voice pleading with me, deep and raspy, was too much.

  The fact of the matter was that I knew why Hayes left, and I never thought it was because he didn’t love me. Quite the opposite, in fact. He loved me enough to let me go. It didn’t really make it hurt any less, but over time, I’d rea
lized that unless I knew he didn’t love me anymore, I’d never fall out of love with him.

  I didn’t know what to say, but the silence felt too raw. Luckily, he spoke first.

  “Come on, let’s keep walking.”

  “Okay,” I said on a breath just before he pressed another kiss to my forehead. Then he turned and his hand smoothed down my arm until it met mine, and he laced our fingers together. He took a step forward, but I pulled his hand back a bit. “Wait a minute.” I reached behind me, bending a way that only girls who wore heels knew how, and pushed the shoes off my feet. I bent, never letting his hand go, and picked up the shoes. I held them up and said, “Not made for long walks.”

  He smiled, causing me to smile back, and he gave my hand a squeeze.

  We walked for hours, until the sky turned an orangey-pink, slowly making our way through the small college town, passing my apartment three times. I never told him though, because I didn’t want the walk to end. He never let go of my hand, keeping it in his the entire time. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Eventually, though, he caught me yawning.

  “Shit, Kenz, it’s six in the morning. I should probably get you home.”

  I shrugged. “Becca and Holly are probably still asleep.” Holly had a key to my apartment, and after I’d called Becca as promised, she told me they’d wait for me at my place. I’d only had to send them one proof of life picture at 3:00 a.m. I hadn’t heard from them since.

  He looked at me and I watched as his eyes roamed over my entire face, like he was taking inventory or gauging my level of exhaustion. “My place is just up the road. I could show it to you. My coffeemaker is all set up.”

  I smiled. “Sounds great.”

  He led me to his place and I giggled. “We’ve walked past your apartment so many times!”

  “I know,” he said, laughing with me. “I just was afraid to say anything because I didn’t want the night to be over.”

  “We passed mine three times.” Our eyes were locked and it warmed me right down to my fingernails, knowing he was feeling the same exact things I was.

  He opened his door and let me in, his hand releasing mine. I felt the absence immediately and hoped it wouldn’t be the last time our palms were pressed together.

  His apartment was bare, but that was understandable. He’d only moved in a few days prior and there were still boxes lined up on one wall in the living room. He walked to the kitchen and started prepping coffee and I took in the rest of his apartment.

  I yawned again, feeling the exhaustion from being up all night taking over, but I wanted to fight it. I feared if I went home the magic of the evening would fade away.

  “We don’t have to do this now, Kenz. You look tired. I should take you home so you can get some sleep.” I panicked. The last thing I wanted was to be away from him. He must have seen the panic in my face because he came to me, taking both my hands in his. “What’s wrong?”

  I looked down at my feet, feeling silly and stupid, but I managed to push the words out. “I guess I’m just afraid that if I leave and we go our separate ways again, everything will go back to normal. Like Cinderella and her dress. If I go to sleep, I’m afraid I’ll wake up, just like I have every other day for the last three years, and you won’t be there anymore.”

  “Then stay with me.” His words hit me like a car slamming on its brakes. “We’ll just sleep. I don’t have a couch yet, only a bed, but I’ll sleep on the floor. I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

  “Show me,” I whispered, looking up at him. He paused for a moment, his eyes searching mine, but then he led me down the short hallway to his bedroom. It looked more put together than the rest of his house, with no boxes in sight.

  His bed, however, made my heart stop. It was the same bed from his old apartment. The very same bed we’d shared three years ago. The bed in which I gave him my virginity. I wasn’t sure if that fact had occurred to him or not, but it definitely affected me. I blushed and my heart rate finally sped forward. I tried desperately to seem as though just the sight of his bed didn’t leave me breathless.

  “Do you have something I could sleep in?” I asked, my voice shaky and soft. He let go of my hand and moved to his dresser. He pulled out a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, then handed them to me.

  “You can change in the bathroom,” he said with a smile. He seemed nervous and I was thankful I wasn’t the only one. “There are towels in the cabinet if you need one.”

  “Thanks,” I said, then made my way into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and then looked in the mirror. “Oh, good Lord,” I said, leaning closer, as if proximity would change the monstrosity that was my reflection. I had raccoon eyes and my hair was all over the place. I quickly pulled it back into a loose ponytail and then washed my face. I changed into his clothes, taking a moment to bring the collar of his shirt to my nose and inhale. I was completely aware it took me into crazy stalker territory, but I didn’t care.

  I walked back into his bedroom, my clothes bundled up in my arms, but I didn’t see him there. I put my clothes on the chair at his desk and wandered into the hallway, only to find him in the kitchen. He turned to me when he heard me coming, but he didn’t say anything. His eyes did a sweep again from my face to my feet, but he said not one word.

  The air in the room was electric, like it could catch fire at any moment. My heart beat fast, my breaths came even faster, but I didn’t let the fear hold me back. I took a few steps toward him and held out my hand.

  “Come and rest with me,” I said gently. “There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep thinking about you on the floor.” There also wasn’t a great chance of me sleeping if Hayes was in the bed with me, but I kept that truth to myself.

  He looked at my hand for a long moment, and then his gaze found mine again. I gave my hand a little shake, mustering up a tiny smile, and finally, he reached out and grasped my hand in his. Neither of us said a word as we made our way to his bedroom, but then again, there wasn’t much to say. We’d rather sleep together than spend a moment apart, and that made me smile.

  I climbed in first, feeling braver than I had in years, and when he lay down next to me I wasted no time moving into him. I rested my head on his chest, my arm draped around his middle, and my feet tangled with his. He seemed a little surprised at first, but it only took a second for him to relax and pull me closer.

  “Is this okay?” I whispered, just before I yawned again.

  “Yeah, Kenzie. Go to sleep,” he said, and pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head.

  I pressed in closer, unable to believe I was really cuddling with Hayes Wallace, but willing to live in the dream until I woke up.

  “Uh, hey, Kenz?” His voice was a strange mixture of confusion and amusement.

  “Yeah?”

  “Why are your feet wet?”

  I let out a laugh. “They turned black from the walk, so I washed them in your tub.”

  When I woke up, Hayes was still wrapped around me, but he was spooning me from behind. I was on my side, his arm acting as my pillow, his other arm draped over my waist, hand splayed across my belly. His front was pressed against my back and there was absolutely no space between us. I slowly woke, loving the feeling of his body encasing mine, and then I realized the hand near my face was entwined with my own.

  We’d held hands while we slept.

  I closed my eyes, willing myself not fall in love with him all over again.

  The night before had been practically magical. After the initial weirdness, once we’d both decided to let our walls down, the rest of the evening had been incredible. We’d never lacked for something to talk about, there were never any awkward silences, and when he spoke about his life back in Montana I didn’t find myself angry with him for it.

  I was just so glad to have him back, in any capacity.

  But lying there, his arms wrapped possessively around me, I found myself afraid long walks were all we had in store for us. I sighed, pressing my face into his
forearm, trying to take in as much of the moment as I could. I must have woken him though, because his arm tightened around me and pulled me even closer, his face nuzzling into my neck. He took in a deep breath through his nose, and I stilled as his hand started to roam across my front, coming to rest just below my breasts.

  “For three years,” he said, his words a soft feather against the shell of my ear, “I spent my life thinking I’d never get to wake up to you again.” His face pressed in close again.

  “Hayes,” I cried, half whispering.

  “What, baby?”

  Oh, God.

  “What are we doing?”

  At my question, his arm slid out from under me and I rolled toward him. He quickly pushed up onto his elbow and stared down at me. “I know what I want, McKenzie. I want us. I want you. But I know I’m the one who walked away before, the one who ended it. So, I don’t feel like the ball’s in my court.” His hand moved from my chest and came to cup my face. “I’ve loved you through everything and I want you more than anything, but I understand if you get up, leave, and never give me more than a passing wave.”

  His hands were on me, he was over me, and his eyes were boring into mine. The same eyes I’d seen nearly every day of my life, and the thought of not seeing them every day for the rest of it seemed unimaginable.

  So I did the only thing I felt right about doing.

  I leaned up and I kissed him.

  I must have caught him off guard because at first he didn’t move. For just a split second I worried I’d made the wrong decision. But then, then, he kissed me back. His hand moved to the back of my neck, holding me to him, and his tongue swept in, tasting me.

  It was so much better than I remembered.