by Amy Sedaris
Many first dates take place in restaurants, but restaurants make me anxious. Waiting in line for a table, the lighting, figuring out the menu, and the general hubbub always make me wish I was at home, cooking. I like working in restaurants, not dining in them. I especially enjoyed waiting on couples that were having a first date. What a treat to observe the two sitting there, soaking in that awkward silence, then fumbling for something interesting to say, and all the half smiles and clumsy nodding, without having to experience that nervous knot in my stomach. That is great entertainment.
Having a first date at home allows you plenty of busy work. When things get uncomfortable, one can always torch the Baked Alaska, or malletize the meat. It’s also a great opportunity to show off your abilities. Imagine having a first date with someone from Argentina. You need to think: How can I make this magical?
You want him to like the food, like your home, and like you. Maybe, to make him feel more relaxed and at home, you could impress him by preparing authentic foods from his homeland. But if you are not familiar with Argentinean cuisine, you are actually showing him what you don’t know. It’s not a good idea to use the event of a first date to make something you have never made before. If you are set on trying something new, rehearse it first on somebody you would never date, like your ex-husband or former fiancé. To relieve yourself of much pressure and stress for the evening, you could always decide to take a first date to a part of the world you’re more familiar with, and in my case I would take him to Greece. It’s the only authentic ethnic food I have a handle on, so I like to assume everybody is Greek, whether they are Argentinean, Spanish, or French.
If there are two things I know for sure, it’s that animals love snacks and boys eat a lot. So, when I’m cooking for two, I cook for four. This way I’m covered, and if there are leftovers, I can send him home with a package that will remind him of me the next morning.
Of course, having a first date in your home can be risky. If it’s not going well, you’re stuck. I once agreed to have a first date over for dinner and then found out I had to work that day. I pressed my pantsuit, got my apartment spic-and-span, and decided on a meal that I felt confident I could prepare in an hour: a porterhouse steak, mashed potatoes, salad, and watermelon wedges for dessert. I also planned on serving sangria, because I had a pile of fruit that was beginning to turn. I put out some unshelled walnuts in a bowl to complement the sangria.
When I got home from work, I immediately boiled water for the potatoes, turned on the broiler, and threw my steak in. I only had an hour, but because I had preplanned well, I knew I would make it just under the deadline. Unfortunately, my date showed up fifteen minutes early, empty-handed, and with a friend that wasn’t invited. They had stopped for a slice of pizza on the way over, so they said they didn’t want to eat “until all that cheese settled.” My date then turned on the television so he could catch the last few minutes of the Hornets game. He and his buddy drank multiple glasses of sangria, ate fistfuls of caramels, and emptied my nut bowl as those few minutes dragged on for more than an hour and a half. By the time dinner was on the table the sangria was gone, the potatoes were cold, the salad was limp, and my steak was not only exhausted, it was humiliated. When we got around to dessert, he insisted on carving the watermelon, but dropped it on the floor. Too drunk to hail a cab, he sent his friend home, fell asleep on my bed, and woke up in his own vomit. We dated for two years.
Blind Date Conversational Suggestions
Don’t ask hard questions or questions that involve a lot of thinking, such as:
Does the sun make noise?
• Do you tip a cobbler?
• How do you teach hope?
• When can we see each other again?
Don’t Assume Things
• Where did you go to high school? (Maybe he didn’t.)
• What does your father do? (Maybe his was murdered.)
• Who did you vote for? (Don’t assume he’s allowed to.)
• What do you think of my hospitality book? (Don’t assume he can read.)
Other Don’ts
• Don’t tell everything about yourself, save it for your gynecologist.
• Don’t cry.
• If you are drunk, don’t call him after he leaves.
• Don’t dress too young.
• Don’t act too self-sufficient, you’ll drive him away.
• Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.
• Be ready when your date arrives; don’t pick that time to hop in the shower.
• Don’t be a jabber jaw. You learn more by listening than by talking. (However, if your date is a poor storyteller, it’s best to sit there silent.)
Remember . . .
• Shower perks you up.
• Bath relaxes you.
• Digestion starts in the mouth.
How to Remove Vomit Stains
Get off as much as you can, soak stain in detergent (enzyme), and run it through some. warm water. When you put it in the washing machine, use some bleach. Or just toss it, chances are you’ve stained it before.
Menu
Stabrous’s Tzatziki Sauce with Pita Scoops
Tula’s Country-Style Greek Salad (see page 82)
Chicken of the Taverns (see page 202)
Mixed Greek Olives
Panos Manousakis’s Galataboureko (Milk Pie)
STABROUS’S TZATZIKI SAUCE WITH PITA SCOOPS
1 cucumber
1 crushed garlic clove (at least)
1 cup plain Greek yogurt*
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon of dill or mint (optional)
Peel cucumber, quarter lengthwise, and remove seeds. Slice thinly and place in a shallow bowl with coarse salt. Weigh down with plate. Refrigerate for an hour or more. Ring out liquid by handfuls then ring it out in a dish towel.
Mix cucumber and crushed garlic into yogurt. Add lemon juice and dill or mint. Salt to taste.
Serve with bread or pita scoops or with a salad.
*If you can’t find Greek yogurt, you can place regular plain yogurt in a coffee filter over a bowl, and drain it in the refrigerator overnight.
PANOS MANOUSAKIS’S GALATABOUREKO (MILK PIE)
¼ cup of butter plus 1 stick of butter, melted
4 cups of milk
¾ cup of sugar
¾ cup of fine semolina Grated rind of half a lemon
1 cinnamon stick
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons of pure
vanilla extract
5 eggs, lightly beaten
1 pound box of phyllo dough Syrup (recipe follows)
Mix the ¼ cup butter, milk, sugar, semolina, lemon rind, cinnamon stick, and salt in a heavy saucepan and heat until thick, stirring constantly. Let it bubble over low heat for 3–5 minutes. Remove from heat and remove the cinnamon stick. Cover mixture with a piece of buttered waxed paper to prevent skin from forming. When cool, blend in the vanilla and eggs.
Butter a 13 x 9 x 3-inch oven dish. Place 6 sheets of phyllo in the dish, brushing each sheet with the melted butter. Pour in the custard and top with remaining sheets (about 8), again brushing each sheet with the melted butter. Brush the top with remaining butter and score through top 3 sheets of phyllo, making 3-inch squares. Using a sharp knife, trim the edges and bake in oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes until golden brown. Let cool. Make syrup and pour over the pie. Let pie cool before serving.
SYRUP FOR GALATABOUREKO:
1 cup of sugar
1 cup of water
1 cinnamon stick
½ tablespoon of lemon juice
Put all the ingredients into a saucepan and stir until the sugar dissolves.
Bring the mixture to a boil (should be on stove for about 10 minutes).
Strain the syrup and when it is lukewarm pour it over the pie.
If you’re the one leaving:
• Pack an overnight bag, you don’t want to be seen w
alking the beltline in a Greek dress the next morning.
• Don’t leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
If he’s the one staying:
• Pack the medicine chest: Trojans.
Start a money jar together, matching what he has in his wallet, and then continue this on every date. If you choose to stop seeing each other, you’ll have a jar full of money that you can spend on a Grieving Kit (see page 123) for yourself. It’s similar to divorce money.
If you end up spending a lot of time in bed together with nothing to do, quiz each other on all the states capitals, then move on to learning 10 new vocabulary words a night. Good times.
Frigid, incontinent, impudent, Clydesdale, vaginitis, homosexual, ennui, ampersand, charcuterie, abstinence.
Gift Idea for Ex If You Are Still on Speaking Terms
If you have a lot photographs of your ex and feel bad about cutting them up and throwing them away, take the pictures and make a self-esteem collage with them and give it to the person on their next birthday disguised as a card. If it’s a good picture of them they would want it back anyway.
• Guys don’t like skimpy meals, salads, lamb chops with handles, hot fruit.
• Guys like meat, extra portions, pies, gravy, toothpicks, and pussy.
Extra, Extra
In Greece, umbilical cords are saved from baby boys and frozen (see What Not to Put in Your Refrigerator). When someone gets pregnant, fresh bread is baked using the cord and fed to the pregnant woman in hopes that she will have a baby boy, because girls don’t count.
Optional Menu
Telly Savalas Chicken
Roasted Potatoes in Their Jackets
Hercules Creamed Rice
Coffee
HERCULES CREAMED RICE (PUDDING)
1 cup of water
½ cup of short grain rice
4 cups of milk
¼ teaspoon of salt
2 egg yolks
2 teaspoons of corn flour
3 tablespoons of sugar
1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract Ground nutmeg or cinnamon
Using a heavy saucepan, boil the water, stir in rice and cook until water is gone.
Add milk and salt and bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Cook uncovered for about 20 minutes.
In a separate bowl, blend egg yolks with corn flour and add a little cold milk.
Mix in ½ cup of the hot creamed rice, then return to pan contents, stirring over heat, until it thickens. Add the vanilla, and some sugar to taste. Pour into individual bowls. Sprinkle a little nutmeg or cinnamon on top.
You can eat this warm or cold.
TELLY SAVALAS CHICKEN
2 small whole chickens
½ cup fresh lemon juice Oregano
Salt and pepper
Season the cavity of the chicken with lemon juice, oregano, salt, and pepper.
Rub skin with oil. Sprinkle with more seasonings and lemon juice to coat evenly. Broil the chicken 3–5 minutes on each side, turning three to five times until brown and crusty on all sides. Set chicken aside.
About an hour before serving, preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Bake chicken 45–60 minutes.
When done baking, skim the fat from the pan juices, then spoon drippings over chicken. Sprinkle with lemon juice. Garnish with lemon slices and parsley.
ROASTED POTATOES IN THEIR JACKETS*
Use as many small red or creamer potatoes as you wish
Olive oil
Sea salt
Put olive oil in a roasting pan and add plenty of coarse sea salt. Add potatoes (whole) and bake at 400 degrees F for 45 minutes. Shake the pan once in a while so the salt will coat the potatoes. You can add any herbs you want to. These are good served at room temperature, or cold the next day.
*Pictured on page 48.
Pork Medallions
Rich Uncle Comes to Visit
Entertainingly speaking, nothing is more taxing than having an unexpected guest drop by, or an out-of-town guest looking for a place to stay (see “The Unexpected Guest,” page 59), but occasionally there can be a circumstance where you are actually motivated to be hospitable to this type of special needs person. The circumstance sometimes comes in the form of a rich uncle. One might wonder why some guests are more important to impress than others. Well, officially all guests should be treated the same. But let’s say a rich uncle does come to visit— this might be a perfect opportunity to see just how much you can class up your act. Make a game of it. Make it your goal to impress your rich uncle to the point where his heart is so filled with unbridled gratitude that he will kick up his heels or perhaps bump up your take of his fortune when he adjusts his will.
Even if by most standards you live modestly, there are plenty of simple touches you can do that will make even the most jaded rich uncle think twice about your inheritance.
One afternoon, I was graced by a surprise visit from my rich uncle. Not having seen him in years, I initially mistook him for a confused old dandy, so I showered him with insults and was gearing up for a door slam when he informed me that he was my rich uncle from upstate. I turned on a dime and immediately ushered him in, making light of the many colorful quips I had made earlier such as, “Why don’t you try the train station, that’s where all the old fags go to prey on young boys.” I think this turned out to be a pretty good icebreaker. After I took his cane, along with his cap and cape, he informed me that he had some banking business in town and had hoped to stay the night. I couldn’t have been more enthused! I quickly made him comfortable on the couch, offered him a cocktail, and told him I had a few preparations to make. I tossed on my old apron—the one with all the holes in it—because it is comfortable. I joked with my rich uncle that even if I did have the money to buy a new apron I might decide to keep this old tattered one anyway, just for sentimental reasons. In the bedroom, I rotated the mattress so it felt brand new and firm. I provided a rack for his suitcase and cleared the closet for a place to hang his cape. I made sure there was an extra blanket. I set a collection of short stories that I put together myself (see page 57) on a small table next to the bed. I also placed a good reading lamp, an alarm clock, and a tea bell (see page 162) on the table. After refreshing my rich uncle’s cocktail, I told him I had a few more preparations to make in the bedroom. When he suggested that he sleep on the couch, I insisted he sleep in the bedroom. I apologized for not having a bigger apartment, and added that because rents are so expensive in the city, this working girl will just have to make do. I smiled and headed back into the bedroom with a number of items to place by the bed: a bowl of plastic fruit, fresh water, a bottle of aspirin, hand cream, a writing tablet, a pen, paper, envelopes, and stamps. Since my room doesn’t have a window, I put up a picture of a window and then added drapes. After he fell asleep, I sprinkled a trail of glitter from the window to his bed so when he awoke he could imagine a fairy had come to visit him while he was sleeping. I also gathered some bricks and stones from the basement that I could heat in the oven and place around his pillow to keep his head warm (see picture of “Potato Stone,” page 56). I placed a pair of his underpants on the radiator so they would be nice and toasty after his morning bath. I quickly grabbed an old pair of pantyhose and fashioned a bath sachet (see page 267) and I filled the other leg with a bag of lima beans to make an “eye burrito,” which I put in the freezer until well chilled for him to place on his eyes or neck as a soothing compress (see page 267). As I planned the menu for dinner, my Rich Uncle commented on the broom straw I had just placed through my earring holes. I mentioned that this was a good way to keep the holes from closing until I could scrape up enough money to buy some store-bought earrings or, if that proved too difficult, I could collect some returnable bottles, and with the change, purchase some string that I could use to replace the straw.
The next morning, after my rich uncle left, I was quite surprised to find, in the donation can I had absentmindedly left by the
side of his bed, a check made out to me. A good host provides warmth and comfort without expecting anything in return, but occasionally our sincere and honorable actions are rewarded, though not always in the amount that we had hoped and are certain a rich uncle can afford.
Menu
Silver Bullet Smoky Martini
Pork Medallions
Golden Yukon Potato Wedges French Fried in Olive Oil
Carrot Coins
Rich Chocolate Cake
Coffee or Tea
Breakfast Menu
Silver Dollar Pancakes
Coffee or Tea
SILVER BULLET SMOKY MARTINI
½ ounce gin
¼ ounce dry vermouth
float 1½ ounces Scotch
Serve straight up in a chilled martini glass.
Garnish with a lemon zest or olive.
PORK MEDALLIONS
2 pork tenderloins, rubbed with garlic, salt, and pepper
Heat ovenproof skillet with enough olive oil to coat the bottom, plus 1 tablespoon of butter. Sear (brown) on all sides. Finish in a 350 degree F oven, 20–25 minutes. Remove, allow to relax. Slice the pork into medallions at thicker ends.
How to Remove Wine Stains
You don’t. Boil your garment in a pot of hot chopped beets and water.
CARROT COINS
Slice carrots so they look like coins. Sauté with butter, salt, and pepper.
