by Dervan Brown
His response hit her cold and hard. Those words coming from him was the last thing she expected. A sudden sense of distrust and broken loyalty jolted through her body. The words were almost venomous.
“John, listen to me carefully.” The aggravation was brazen in her tone, “I do understand what you are going through. This is coming from a girl that almost committed suicide because life had gotten to her.” She forced with a stern voice and folded arms, “You need to get it together! I am carrying your baby for Christ sake! And for you to say such a thing is beyond me.”
“Karla what do you want me to do?” John asked contentiously.
“I don’t care what you do John, all I am saying is. I refuse to suffer anymore, especially with a baby growing inside of me.”
John stood and turned around to face her, “You want me to sell drugs Karla? Is that it?”
She looked right into his eyes and without careful thought she replied, “As I said John, you need to get it together. Right now you are acting like a child and you are not! You are a man with a family, acknowledge that!”
John proceeded up the steps and stood twelve inches apart. “Karla, I have tried everything there is to be tried. Right now I am lost, I swear!” John stressed, “God knows I love you dearly, but I don’t think I can last much longer.”
Karla searched his face in an attempt to find a sense of guilt or regret for what he just said, but there was none.
“I guess my mother was right. Sometimes, love is not enough.”
Chapter 24
The month of October rode in on a cold horse. With it had come an adverse influenza breakout. Karla Steelburg had contracted a heavy load of the virus. The antiquated remedy of coffee and lime juice didn’t aid her one bit. She had gotten increasingly ill over a period of four days. To the point where John became terrified that it might seriously affect the baby.
“Those won’t help either.” John opened as he entered the kitchen to find Karla overdosing on Advil and peppermint tea. “You need to see a doctor--get some antibiotics. If you continue like this it may just turn into pneumonia.”
“No--you know I am afraid of doctors, I’ll be fine, I promise. I feel better already.” She lied with an almost convincing smile.
“Karla, I have never been more serious.” John would not tolerate her careless behavior due to a euphemistic phobia. “Please remember that you are way into your second trimester and you have not been to a hospital since we’ve been here. If anything happens to my child, I will never forgive you.” That was clearly spelled out to her.
“Ok-ok I’ll go. I will do as you wish. She knew well that John was right. She was overdue for a visit to the doctor. But the memories of her last visit resided in the back of her head. Blood on white satin makes unforgettable stains.
“And I mean today-now!” John ordered.
“Ok-I hear you!” Karla sighed, “Just let me finish my drink and I’ll be on my way.”
“Good.” John promptly replied and left for a walk.
Karla Steelburg entered the lobby of the Lex A. Simpson Maternity clinic. She paused for a moment at the door. The sight of sixty pregnant women coughing and wheezing was extremely perturbing.
She would have turned around and opted for a private institution, but as hard luck had it, she couldn’t afford it. She proceeded to the registration desk then isolated herself in fashion magazines for a mere three hours.
“Hello! Karla Steelburg! Karla Steelburg!” The young female resident called.
“I am here!” Karla acknowledged.
“This way please.”
She followed the young doctor into the examining room. She wore a bright smile that made Karla a bit more relaxed.
“My name is Sara Crenshaw,” She introduced, as she gloved her hands, “Please have a seat over on that bed.”
The sheets were sky blue this time and were made of thin plastic instead of cotton.
As she cushioned herself comfortable in the middle of the bed a man dressed in a black shirt, red tie, hanging stethoscope and white overcoat entered the room. His wrinkled face did not smile. Maybe it couldn’t. There wasn’t a subtle or pleasant trait in his character. At least not in Karla’s eyes. She glanced at his hands. They were wrinkled just about the same as his face. His fingers trembled non-stop. The panic became overwhelming. She felt her own hands starting to shiver uncontrollably and her heart beating at a faster rate.
“Kill me dead before I have another abortion. No way! I am leaving.” The paranoia sieged into her reality.
“Who are you?” She asked shockingly as she stared with puzzled eyes at Sara.
“I am Frank Butcher--your doctor.” He replied with an unwelcoming voice which was abrasive as steel.
“Steel-Steel utensils.” Those words provoked her thoughts on hearing his voice and within split seconds she went blank. Dark silhouettes of the faceless man conjured. This time his hands were made of scissors, twissors, clippers and tongs. He aggressively, with brute force shredded her womb without care of her screaming rejection of the excruciating pain. In the instance he was done, blood, her blood was everywhere. On his face, on everything that was white, as well as his hands made of steel--steel utensils. A stimulant of light snapped her neurons and she resuscitated out of the terror.
“I am sorry. I can’t do this--I have to go.” She screamed and quickly stood to her feet and grabbed her hand bag.
“Is there something wrong?” Doctor Butcher asked as he held her shoulder and searched her eyes for consciousness.
Karla jolted backwards and braced against the bed, “I am so sorry,” She sighed, “I had a terrible ordeal a couple months ago and it’s apparent that I haven’t gotten over it.”
“Oh I see. You want to tell me about it?” Doctor Butcher offered, “And is there anything I can get you at the moment?”
“Yes, I would rather have a female doctor see me. It would make me a lot more comfortable and cooperative, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, no problem at all. I’ll have Doctor Katherine Brown see you then.” He offered.
“Great,” Karla delighted, “She seems awesome already.”
“Don’t worry. As a doctor I perfectly understand. I’ll have her in with you in about fifteen minutes.”
“Thank you so much.” She graced.
He nodded and turned to Sara, “Sara in the meanwhile, could you fetch Miss. Steelburg a glass of water please.”
“Sure, I’ll be right back.”
They left her in the solitude of her own thoughts.
Karla began observing the room. She saw five ants carrying a piece of crumb across the cream marble tiles. The chairs appeared new to her and under-manufactured; excellent for sitting but minimal for sleeping. The sound of the nebulizer pumping oxygen caught her ear. “Thank God for the elemental abundance.” She thought. Karla then noticed the box of one hundred unit syringes on the desk beside the box of medium size gloves. “I could kill myself with those. One direct stab to the neck, straight through my wind pipe…nah, maybe some other time.” She sighed in dismissal of the suicide thoughts then focused her eyes to the ceiling. She realized that one of the fluorescent bulbs went bad. No light came from it, a rather dark discoloration formed colloids in it.
“No light-dark-dark night.” Those words again surged into her sub-conscience and resurrected a sequence of thoughts. Again she went totally blank. Time elapsed in front of her eyes and in a fraction of a second she found herself fighting for her innocence. It was a dark night when she was raped. There was a power-cut and mother wasn’t there.
“No wait! Steven what are you doing!” Karla cried.
“Little girl take your clothes off--now!!” He ordered as he unbuttoned his shirt.
She shook her head, refusing to cooperate. So he grabbed and ripped her silk night gown and threw her body onto the couch. On falling her fingers brushed against the candle. The fume diminished as it hit the ground.
“Miss Steelburg! Miss Steelburg.�
� Doctor Brown uttered as she shrugged her shoulders.
After a minute the jolting action was received. Within a millisecond it was registered in her nervous system causing her to blink once, then rapidly as her system assimilated to full gear.
“Oh God, I blacked-out again didn’t I?”
“Yes this is the second time in less than an hour.” Sara declared, “Based on my knowledge this is not good.”
“Does this happen often?” Doctor Brown asked.
“No, not at all, I think it’s the hospital setting that is triggering it.”
“You want to tell me about it?” I may be able to help.” Doctor Brown added.
Karla sighed and mustered the courage. “I-was-raped. My step father took my virginity when I was fifteen.”
“Oh my God, I am so sorry.” Doctor Brown sympathized. The resident didn’t comment, just appeared shocked.
“No its fine. I have learned to deal with that emotionally. I have moved on more or less. To be honest I have forgiven him.”
“Are you absolutely positive about that?” The doctor sought clarity, “People who have moved on don’t just out of nowhere have blackouts after four years.”
“Yeah, I am sure…I think. However, what is actually bothering me lately is.” She paused, took a deep breath, then proceeded, “I had an abortion recently. To be honest, I am drowning in guilt. I cry hard about it and wish that I could turn back the hands of time. I-killed-my-baby.” She shivered into tears, “It doesn’t matter how many kids I have, I’ll never be able to replace him.” She wiped the tears from her chin.
“Oh sweetie, don’t cry.” Doctor Brown comforted, “Look, sometimes in life as women, we do what we have to do. It may not be the best decision at the time, but God knows it is hard on us, so if we mess up, we damn sure deserve fifty more chances to make it right.”
Karla managed a smile. She couldn’t resist. They began giggling.
Sara affected a warm embrace and she indulged it. “You will be ok--you’re strong.”
“Thank you. She graced.
“Now let us get you examined, so that we can see the gender of the healthy cute baby you are carrying.
“Ok, I am ready.”
“Hey Sara! Please take this prescription to the pharmacy for me—it’s antibiotics for her flu.”
“Sure, I’ll get that in a hurry.”
“Thank you, we will be waiting for you.”
“Now Karla remove your blouse and lay on the bed please.”
Doctor Brown added the gel to her stomach and commenced the ultrasound procedure.
After five minutes her expression descended from a bright reassuring smile to a low heart crushing disappointment.
“Doctor Brown turned and caught her eyes. Her face was still dead and hollow.
“You must tell me.” Karla demanded, on rising to an upright posture.
“I am sorry Karla…”
“What-what are you sorry for?” Karla questioned in a fearful shivery tone. “Is something wrong with my baby?”
Doctor Brown hesitated as she listened for his heart rate. If she wasn’t duty-bound she would have told her a lie, but that would only make it worst.
“Karla,” She pointed to the monitor, “That image right there is the baby, you see it?”
“Yes, that’s very clear.”
“Ok, in that little area of the baby’s upper body, we are supposed to see a heartbeat, but unfortunately there is none. I get no pulse when I used my stethoscope as well…I am sorry, your baby is dead.”
“No-No-No!” She uttered as she shook her head. N-O!!” This can’t be happening!!”
For an emotional girl that cries so very often Karla Steelburg had never cried so hard. When it rains it pours.
“But why! WHY! What could have caused this?”
“See based on what I have analyzed, the walls of your uterus have been damaged. The most likely reason for that is as a result of the surgical dilation and curettages--the abortion. As it is now, your uterus is incompetent and cannot sustain a child. However, there is good news, we can remove the baby and do a repair operation. After which, there would be pretty good chances of you having a child again.”
“Oh God! This can’t be happening.” She yelled boisterously, “How am I going to explain this to John? What should I do doctor?”
“I think worrying about your fiancé is the least of your problems. He should understand. Apart from that I am recommending that you schedule an operation to remove the baby as soon as possible, then seek counseling, you seem to need it whether you agree or not. For now I suggest you go home and get some rest, do you understand what I am saying to you?”
Karla nodded. The sobbing was too much to be otherwise verbal.
“Once again I am sorry, I truly am.” Doctor Brown sympathized with a warm well needed embrace.
“Thank you for everything.” Karla whispered.
“No--there is nothing to be thankful for.”
Karla nodded and managed a smirk, she grabbed her hand bag, turned and strolled to the door. She met Sara on her way out, grabbed the meds without saying a word. She just walked out.
Chapter 25
“What do you do when you are at a place far away from home, and you are about to go under as the clouds turn grey and the tides grow rough, while all hope fades as no one cares to extend a helping hand? I’ll tell you what you do. Suck it up. Suck it up, find yourself a poker face and play the cards you’ve got. Stop waiting around for it. You get in the game and strike the iron while it’s hot.”
After a long hard contemplation, the impulse drove him to go back to the corner store on Deerock and Goshen Road. His mind was decided.
“I have to provide for my family. This is the only avenue I have at this point in time. Forgive me Lord for the path that I am about to take, but you of all people should understand--I am just another victim of circumstances…Amen.”
“Hey Ice! How is it going man?” John greeted with a handshake.
“Hey my brother! I am doing good, could be better. I have to give thanks for what I have though. How about you, how are you holding up?”
“To be honest with you, so far things haven’t been turning out the way I planned it. Right now I am face down in the dirt, and by the looks of things it will only get worst… what I am saying is, I need your help.”
“You need my help?” Ice asked skeptically.
“Yeah, remember that offer you made me? I feel like taking you up on it, God’s speed.” John assured him.
“Are you sure about this John? Do you understand what you are getting yourself into? This is no love story, it’s no make belief. This is the life of the streets, it’s as real as it’s going to get. Just so you know, anything can happen at any given point, and if something does happen. I don’t know you, and you damn sure don’t know me. Do I make myself clear?”
John held a steady stare, “Yeah I understand perfectly.” He nodded.
“Alright then.” Ice agreed.
“Let’s do this!” John edged.
“Hold on, first you have to lose the hat, get a tom, it would be a better look for you. Keep the shades--the shades are bad. Also lose the Timberlands, get a light weight sneakers.”
“Is this a fashion show or what?” John obliviously asked.
“Trust me. Do as I tell you. Meet me back here at six Pm sharp. I’ll show you how to sell this shit like clockwork.”
“Alright bro, I hear you. See you later then.” John affirmed.
“Yeah see you…”
John Steelburg arrived at the door of his apartment. Suddenly he became taken aback by the sound of a woman heavily crying on the other side.
“What could be possibly wrong this time?” John asked himself over the sound of his pounding heart against his chest.
Without further hesitation he opened the door to find her lying on the carpet with her face covered in snot and tears.
“Karla! Oh my God! What happened?” John rushed to her
aid and placed her to sit upright.
The veins in her eyes were thick red and her eye lids were badly swollen. She had been crying non-stop.
“What-what is going on Karla? I don’t understand.” John begged for answers.
She said nothing for another five minutes. She just sat there staring at him with her head against her knees as she drowned in a dense lake of sorrow.
“John baby,” She finally opened, “I had a horrific visit to the doctor today.”
“What happened hun?” John asked, he grew terrified by the minute.
“I had two black-outs in the doctor’s office. I don’t know, I guess I haven’t really recovered from the whole abortion fiasco and the man in white. The steel utensils and everything else just aggravated all those memories I managed to suppress until now…I am scared John.”
“Oh baby, I am sorry.” John held her head against his chest. She needed the comfort so bad, “If I knew I would have gone with you.”
“That’s ok, I’ll survive, and “She knuckled up and slowly punched the sky, “I am a strong woman.”
“Yes you are, but I don’t want you to feel like you are going through this alone…you know you have a friend--me. I will always be here for you, no matter how tough it gets and that’s my words as the man, the man that loves you, un-equiv-o-cally.”
“Unequivocally huh?”
“Oh yes!”
“You know what’s funny John, since we have been here, I don’t feel like we are cousins anymore. We are lovers and that’s all what matters.”
“Oh yeah, I know what you mean. All the drama of us being relatives is behind us. Now we can overcome anything, as long as we stick together.”
Karla took a deep sigh of relief and relaxed, but it didn’t last.
“John there is something else.” She felt the need to let it go once and for all.
