Luna knocked on the open door frame, and came in without waiting for an answer. She sat at the other end of the bed. “How are you doing?” She radiated concern and sympathy.
Which made a tight lump grow in my throat. “I don’t know.”
She pulled her legs under her and crossed them. “Okay.”
I didn’t like the silence that sank in, sitting heavy in my joints. Pressing against my lungs. It was like being alone, but now someone was watching me mentally fracture like a late-in-life Picasso. “You didn’t bring your cards. I thought you might offer to read for me or something.”
“No,” Luna said plainly.
“Why not?”
“It’s not what you need right now.”
A bitter laugh slipped past my lips. “How do you know that? I don’t know what I need right now.”
“Just a feeling.” Her tone was kind and free of judgement.
What was I supposed to say?
Silence stretched on. Why was Luna still here? Not that I minded her company, but this wasn’t company—it was as confusing as everything else. What was I supposed to think? To feel? Was one of us supposed to say something?
“I’m just tired of it all.” My own words caught off-guard, coming from nowhere but feeling right. “I’m tired of people who think they deserve anything their whims demand. Of people who think only they matter. Who don’t stop to consider the consequences of their actions… or don’t care.”
I paused, surprised at my own words—not that I blurted them out without thinking, but that I was able to put any form to my feelings, even if it was a vague blob of a form. I waited for Luna to reply. To argue or add her thoughts. Anything.
She looked up, understanding in her gaze. “I get that.”
“I believed all the rules when I was growing up.” Apparently I wasn’t done. “Sometimes I feel like I was wrong to do so. Like everyone else knew they were more like loose guidelines that could be ignored unless someone needed to be kept down.”
“Which rules?” Luna asked.
“Do unto others,” I recited. “If you work hard, that’s how you get ahead. That life rewards the industrious. That if things go wrong in your life—if you fail, if someone else does better than you, if the world beats you down and kicks you in the gut until you can’t breathe and you don’t know how you’re going to make it to tomorrow, that it’s your own fault.” I drew in a deep breath, to make sure I still could. I didn’t feel as bleak as that sounded, but there were times in the past where I had.
“Maybe it is my fault.” The words flew out more from habit than because they tasted real. “Some things are, but not everything. I’m not perfect. I blurt out inappropriate things. I let opportunity pass me by because I’m scared. But I’m trying to. To do right by me. To not harm others along the way. And not because I should, but because I want to. I want the people around me to feel good, and I don’t want to feel shitty either. I never want to be responsible for someone else’s suffering. I don’t want to miss out on experiences. I want to experience the world, and I don’t mind hard work. What I mind are people who think they can grind the rest of us under the heel of their boot because in their mind no one is more important than them.
“People lie and cheat and steal and run their ex-wives off the road and assault women they’ve dated and think it’s their right because they want to and as long as they smile at the right people and believe their own bullshit, they so frequently get away with it. And the people they hurt, the people who let it happen because they think it’s their fault or because they don’t see it or because they think if they’re just a little nicer…”
I forced myself to stop, before I lost anymore track of my own words, and focused on Luna. “Are you going to say anything?”
“I agree.”
The simplicity of her reply almost made me laugh. I didn’t feel good enough to laugh, though I did feel lighter than when she came in here. “Anything besides that.”
She shook her head. “I think you’re covering it pretty well.”
“That’s a longer version of I agree. I didn’t deserve what Sean did to me. No one does. Even if someone is a total, inconsiderate narcissist, like him, that’s not justice. That kind of an eye for an eye doesn’t get anyone anywhere. But I’m still glad he’s hurt. Does that make me a bad person too? I’m glad he’s in traction, and not just because he won’t be able to get up for a while. I’m glad he’s in pain, and that for once, I’m dealing with less than he is. How horrible am I?”
“You’re not at all,” Luna said.
“You wouldn’t be thinking things like this. How repulsive am I right now?”
“I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
A dry smile cracked my face. “Graham says that.”
“Pretty sure someone else said it first, but yeah, I got it from him.” Luna crawled closer, until her knees touched my feet. “I don’t like seeing people in pain. I hate knowing I caused it or believe I could’ve prevented it. But there are times when we have to ignore that instinct, especially when it’s not our fault. And this isn’t your fault.”
“I know that, but at the same time, sometimes it’s so very hard to believe it.”
“I won’t tell you to stop feeling what you’re feeling, or that you’re wrong about any of this. There are some people who need to hear that, though I probably wouldn’t tell them either, but you don’t. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot,” Luna said. “Everything inside you—the good, the bad, and the uncertain—it’s all valid. Doesn’t matter what we’ve been taught. No one is any more allowed to dictate your thoughts than you are responsible for their actions.”
What she was saying was wise, but at the same time, “You know it’s not that easy.”
“I do.” Luna brought her leg to her chest and rested her chin on her knee. “It’s a hard thing to remember, and I have to remind myself about it on a regular basis. I’ll remind you too, if you want. The rules you mentioned, some people follow them, some don’t. We can only say how we act.”
“How do we know if we’re acting right?”
“You are.”
“But how do you know?” I hated this uncertainty. The assholes never looked like they had to deal with this kind of doubt. What would it be like to have that kind of faith in my own heart?
Luna grinned. “Because I’m a fucking genius and I can tell.”
I wanted so badly to believe her. She was a genius. “What if I fall again, and it’s a mistake again?” There was a fear I hadn’t wanted to look at. But now that my head was shifting itself into order, it was easier to pick out the thoughts.
“Phillip?”
“And Dustin.” When I’d seen them at the hospital, the warmth had pushed away a lot of my pain.
“They’re not bad guys. If you don’t believe me, Cole is a good judge of character.”
My smile felt lighter this time. “Phillip said something similar. He said that was how he knew I was all right.”
“Pfft. You’re better than all right. You’re amazing. And here’s the thing, if you fall and it doesn’t work out… Well, I hate to be cliché, but it’s better to have loved and lost… Would you really give up the good to not have to feel the bad? If you need to, as hard as it is, take the whole Sean experience out of the equation.”
Would I give up the last few weeks with Dustin and Phillip if it meant avoiding the risk? If it meant I could guarantee my heart was shielded? “No. I wouldn’t give it up.”
“There’s your answer. Also, nice. I mean, you’re way out of their league, and who wants a nearly forty year old bachelor? But they’re both pretty. And probably smart.”
I felt better with each passing moment. My doubt wasn’t gone, but it was hiding behind sunshine. Luna was at least half teasing, because her boyfriends were Phillip and Dustin’s age, and she was distinctly younger than me. “They are pretty. And smart. Mostly. I’m not sure they’re completely in touch with their fee
lings.”
Luna scrunched up her nose. “Not everyone is. Graham said they looked completely panicked when they got to the hospital, so I think they’re on the right track. If they’re not, you’ll just have to tell them so.”
“I can do that.”
“I know.” Luna shifted to lay next to me, her head on my legs. Hugs were hard because of my arm and the bruises, but this worked fine for me. My head was as much of a mess as my body, but I could see past the jumble to the truth now. It had been a long time since I felt this clear-headed about something.
Thirty-One
Dustin
I hated not being able to act. Especially after the emotional wringer of last night. Waiting to talk to Addie. Waiting for the interview with Nolan… Patience was not one of my virtues. Which was why I was in the office too early, trying to occupy my mind with anything else.
But one thing was incredible about last night, and I needed more time with Phillip to explore it. Not him so much, because I’d done a lot of exploring there, but we could always revisit old favorites and map new paths. Our shared I love yous still sang in my thoughts. I never realized how good that could feel until now.
And as soon as I got a hold of Addie, she’d hear it too. I sent her a text earlier saying I hoped she was doing okay and I missed her. I’d wait at least a little bit before I bugged her again.
When I heard Phillip come in, I didn’t look up from my work. “Hey, traitor.” It was hard to keep my voice stern.
No response.
I finally moved from behind my screen to find him staring at me, mouth twisted.
“Did I imagine last night?” he asked flatly.
I smiled. Nope. I had no patience to draw out that kind of teasing. “Not unless I did too.”
Phillip rolled his eyes, but bent to give me a quick kiss before taking his seat. He paused. “Was that weird?”
“Kind of. But weird-good. I liked it.”
“Me too. You talk to Adrienne yet?”
“No. I texted her.”
“Me too.” Phillip turned to his computer.
When I thought about what happened, I saw red. It was a shame I couldn’t go talk to Sean now.
I would be talking to Nolan, though. Probably still not a good idea to punch him in the smug face, but the impulse was stronger now than ever. I wanted Addie here, not to temper me, but so I’d know she was ok.
We got a pair of messages from Luna and Judith, letting us know Addie wouldn’t be working today. But, Luna assured us, she was doing as well as could be expected, and was just resting.
When Ivan called back to tell me my ten o’clock was here, I was out of my seat before he finished talking. I made my way to the small conference room, where Nolan was waiting. With a smile that probably showed too many teeth, I shook his hand. “It’s been a while.”
“It has. Good to see you.” His tone was cheer-flavored bullshit.
“Sorry I’m late.” At the sound of Addie’s voice I whirled toward the doorway. Her arm was in its sling, and her expression was blank-leaning-toward-sad. “I’m Adrienne.” She offered her hand.
Nolan shook it. “Nice to meet you.” Nolan smiled warmly. “Are you all right? May I ask what happened?”
“I’m not, and you may not.” Addie clipped off the words as she took the seat next to me.
I did love her. “Let’s get started. I’ve got your resume and portfolio, but tell me a bit about what you’ve been doing for the last couple of years.”
We ran through a list of boilerplate questions. Addie was quiet the whole time, and Nolan was flippant with his answers. But to his credit, they were real answers—he was treating this like an interview he had to do well on—I just didn’t like the underlying conviction that he already had the job.
“We do have a practical test part of our interview process,” Addie said when we reached a pause. She grabbed the notepad from the stack I’d brought in here, and slid it across the table along with a pencil.
“That’s right.” I stepped in to back her up. “Our players have high expectations. We need to make sure you bring your own style to the table, but can still operate within the parameters we’ve already established for the game.”
“In other words, you need good copy-ers?” Nolan’s question was smug. “I see why you’re here.”
Addie pressed her leg to mine under the table, cutting off my retort. “This is your interview, not Dustin’s. Draw a picture of our orc priest. Any of the poses from our site, or your own interpretation is fine too.”
I couldn’t hide my smirk. That was one of the designs he claimed I’d stolen.
For the first time since I walked in the room, Nolan’s smile vanished, and a scowl took its place. “This is for a digital art job. Where’s a computer? A drawing tablet?”
Addie didn’t miss a beat. “We all work with our hands as well. Concept sketches, other things. This is the interview requirement, and looking at your portfolio, it shouldn’t be an issue.”
She and I watched as he scribbled his way through a recreation that looked nothing like his art or mine.
“That’ll be fine,” I stopped him when he had a rough concept in place. It was too painful to wait for more, no matter how much I wanted to see him crash and burn.
“I’m not done,” Nolan said.
This was where I’d say we’ll get back to you, and send him on his way to let him stress and stew.
Addie slid the notepad away from him and studied it. “Your work has potential, but it’s not up to our standards.” No pulling punches with her today. Or most days. “If you’d like to take a few classes, I can recommend some great teachers, and you’re welcome to re-apply in a year or two.”
Nolan turned red. I’d never seen that literally happen to someone who was angry. “This is a bullshit test. The environment is shitty and you sat and watched me the whole time. I don’t need to prove my skill because Dustin stole the art you already have. That is my skill.”
Anger surged inside me.
Addie covered my hand with hers, and smiled sweetly and Nolan. “You’re a liar.”
“Excuse me?” Nolan stared at her in disbelief.
“You don’t have the skill to do this job. If you want to steal someone else’s work, this isn’t the place to do it.” She set the notepad back on my stack. “This will go to our attorneys. If you threaten us again, they will tie you up in court for years, and we will not keep things quiet. Can you really afford that hit to your wallet? Your career?”
“Are you threatening me, you stupi—”
“Get out.” I had to cut him off because if he finished that sentence, I’d deck him. I was already looking for an excuse. “We’re done here.”
Addie’s sugary sweet smile never faded. “Have a lovely day.” She offered her hand.
He scowled and stormed from the room.
I followed to make sure he actually left the offices, then turned to Addie, who had come with us. I didn’t know what to say first. That she kicked ass in there. That I was so happy to see her. That I loved her desperately and I didn’t want her going back to anyone’s house but mine or Phillip’s?
“Judith is in Art and wants to see both of you,” Ivan said before I could pick an option.
“You were brilliant in there.” I told Addie as we headed to our offices. Everything else tried to push its way out, but would have to wait.
Her saccharine smile was gone, and now the exhaustion around her eyes and mouth was obvious. “Thanks. I was a little pissed off. Did it show?”
“I wasn’t even looking for that. Fuck him if he didn’t like it.”
“But don’t.” Her tone lifted and I glanced at her to see a corner of her mouth tugged up.
We walked into Art to find Judith had made herself at home at an empty desk and was chatting with Phillip. “How’d the interview go?” she asked.
“Addie handled it. The problem is gone.” There were few things I was more certain of.
Judith didn�
��t look convinced. “I’ve heard that before.”
I patted my sketchpad. “If he comes back, it won’t be an issue, I guarantee it.”
“Good,” Judith said.
“I get that you’re all pals, but in my world, boss sitting in the office doesn’t mean good things.” Addie sounded apprehensive. “What’s up?”
Judith gave a rare soft smile. “No beating around the bush, then. You all saw the announcement about funding, but in order for that to work, this department needs some changes.”
No shit. This was it. She was here to give me my job. Dustin Lane—Director of Art. It had an incredible ring to it.
“I’ve withdrawn my resignation,” Phillip said.
“Yes.” I didn’t try to hide my excitement. “Fuck yeah. Told you that you couldn’t quit us.”
He clucked and shook his head. “You didn’t say that specifically, but you are right.”
“And Phillip’s moving into the role of Director of Art.” Judith’s words brought my brain grinding to a halt.
What in the ever living fuck? He couldn’t. I’d done everything right. I’d made this company shine in the public eye. If I thought I felt betrayed before—
“Before you blow a fuse.” Judith cut off the thought, and I clenched my jaw. “I wanted to have this conversation with you in private, Dustin, but I also didn’t want this news getting back to you before you and I spoke. I’m really impressed with the work you’ve done. More than your job. You’ve gone above and beyond. I didn’t think we’d need a marketing team when we started, but we wouldn’t have come this far without you. You don’t have to answer me now, but I’d like you to start a new team as Director of Marketing and Community.”
Wait. What? I let out a short laugh. “No. Yeah? You’re serious.”
She started back, expression bland. “Have you ever known me to joke?”
“There was that one time—”
“Shut it.” She cut Phillip off with a glare.
He shrugged.
I wanted to hear that story.
Judith turned back to me. “Think about it. Get me your answer by Wednesday.”
“There’s no need. My answer is yes.” Absolutely. This was better than I expected. This was… wow.
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