Butterflies stir in my belly. What do I want? I wish I knew.
“Nah,” my reluctant reply falls out. “I need my pillow. I’m going to keep using you for now.”
“You can use me anytime, Lee.”
I can reply or choose to pretend. I’m going with pretending. The nursing staff has the world’s worst or best timing, depending on how I want to look at this, because she strides in to check on Aara. My head rises and I head over to be close to her.
“We’re just checking her fever again,” she explains and begins to assess her vitals.
Standing next to my daughter while they check her again, the fear gnaws its way up. Wondering whether the fever has come down any lower, and if not, what’s the next step? She looks at the thermometer and shakes her head no. She’s still running around 101, but at least we’re out of the danger zone.
“Are the test results back from her scan?” I ask.
“I’ll check on it, but the doctor will be in as soon as we know anything.” She smiles and grips my hand. “It’s a good thing the fever isn’t rising.”
I close my eyes and nod. I guess it’s good. I wish she wasn’t sick at all, but I’m happy Liam is here. The waiting has been agony and I can’t imagine not having his support. I look over at him as he rests in the recliner and fight the urge to giggle. This six-foot, bulky man is spilling over this tiny chair. His legs almost touch the crib Aarabelle is asleep in and his arms practically touch the ground. It’s comical. His hair is a mess and his three-day-old beard only makes him look more adorable. He was always handsome, but the more I look at him, I see the small things. The crinkle around his eyes and the scar on his forearm that add to his appeal. He’s going to make some woman very happy.
“Are you done staring?” he grumbles with one eye open.
Shit.
“I wasn’t staring. I was trying to figure out if you were dead since you weren’t moving,” I lie and turn so he doesn’t see my cheeks redden.
“Sure you were . . .” He gives a low chuckle.
“Whatever, you’re old and fat.” I wave my hand at him.
Liam’s large frame rises and casts a shadow over me. He takes a step toward me with a smirk on his face. My eyes stay locked with his. He’s out of his mind if he thinks I’m going to back down.
With a measured step he comes closer. Neither of us breaks our gaze.
I read the hesitation behind his eyes. He’s as unsure as I am, but we’re both too stubborn to give in.
“Aaaaaa,” Aarabelle cries out, and I break and look at her.
“Hi, baby girl,” I say softly and lift her carefully so I don’t disconnect anything. She still feels warm and begins to fuss. Why isn’t the fever breaking?
Liam’s firm hand squeezes my shoulder as if he can read my distress. “I’ll call the nurse,” he declares and goes to press the button.
Before he can, Dr. Hewat walks in, lifting papers in the chart. “Okay, we got the results back from the scan and her blood screen.” She looks at us both with empathy swimming in her eyes. “She has a urinary tract infection that spread to her kidneys, which is what caused the fever. We need to treat her with antibiotics and make sure her kidneys are functioning properly. Also, I want to watch the fever since she did have the convulsions. But she should be fine. I’m going to order the medicine now.”
I release a breath with relief. She’s going to be okay. Thank God.
“Will the fever come down?” I question.
“It should. Can you place her on the bed for me?”
I lay her down and the doctor comes around the other side. She begins to listen to her heart and abdomen. “She’s doing well, and I think once we get the antibiotics working, the fever will break and she’ll be back to normal,” Dr. Hewat explains and pats my hand. “In the meantime, we need to keep her hydrated and watch her closely.”
“Okay,” I nod and Aarabelle lifts her arms for me to pick her up.
Scooping my baby in my arms, I pull her close and say a silent prayer of thanks that this was not anything serious. She’s my world and I don’t think I could survive burying my husband and my child in the same year. I can’t even allow my mind to drift there.
Liam’s eyes gleam as he rubs the side of her face with adoration in his eyes. He’s a good man and he cares about Aarabelle and me. He could’ve been at a bar or doing whatever else he wants, but he came to us. I’m grateful that he’s here. I place my hand over his and a charge runs from my fingers to my shoulder. We both look at each other and my body locks. I see the catch in his breath as he feels it too.
Moving my hand away quickly, I take a few seconds to calm my racing heart and walk to the other side of Aarabelle’s crib. Distance . . . I need to keep my distance. I don’t understand what’s happening. Liam is my friend, he’s Aaron’s friend . . . it’s wrong to even think about him.
“Lee?” Liam breaks me out of my thoughts. He begins to step around, but I put my hand up to stop him.
“I’m fine. I think I’m overwhelmed, but I’ll be fine.”
“Back to ‘fine’ again. Got it.”
Screw him. I am fine. “What does that mean?”
“I’m tired. You’re tired. Tomorrow if you’re feeling up to a sparring match, I’m game.” Liam yawns and flops in the chair behind him. He pulls his beanie over his eyes and smirks.
Bastard.
“Okay, Miss Aarabelle, ready to head home?” the nurse coos as I buckle Aarabelle into her seat. The IV of antibiotics finally got the infection under control, which brought her fever down. After two sleepless days and nights, I’m more than excited to be heading home.
“I’d say we are, right, baby girl?” I ask rhetorically as I nestle the blanket around her. I can’t wait for the day when she’ll talk. Then I won’t feel so silly having full-blown one-sided conversations.
“Well, good thing that hunk of a man came here, huh?” she asks me, looking around the corner.
I try to hide my amusement and giggle silently. “Yeah, he’s a good friend.”
“Oh, you’re not dating?” her eyes grow and she bites her lip.
“No,” I say slowly and I realize she’s fishing. A pang of jealousy stirs in my chest. He’s not mine by any stretch, but he sure as hell isn’t hers. “Well, not officially,” I add on and mentally slap myself for it.
There’s no reason I should be cockblocking him, but something inside of me doesn’t want her to have him. Or have a chance at him. I’m going to hell.
“Hang on tight to that one, because that beanie and that smile . . .” She slaps her hand over her mouth, clearly embarrassed at what she’s said. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me.”
Placing my hand on her arm, I giggle. “It’s okay. He’s easy on the eyes.”
She gives a short laugh. “Yeah, you could say that.”
Before I can respond, Liam walks in and gives a knowing look. He heard us. Great, this should be fun.
“You girls ready to hit the road?” he asks with an underhanded chuckle.
I shake my head and bite my tongue.
“I could leave the room, if you want to keep talking about my hotness,” Liam offers and flops in the chair he slept in two nights in a row. He refused to leave Aarabelle’s side.
I walk over and rip the beanie off. “Arrogance doesn’t suit you, Dempsey.” The giggle escapes me at the way his hair sticks out in various directions. “No one thinks you’re hot right now, buddy.”
He stands and walks toward me slowly. His warm breath bathes my neck as he leans in so only I can hear, “I think we both know that’s not true.” Liam’s finger glides against my arm and I shiver. “We can pretend though.” Slowly his finger reaches my hand and my heart is racing. I enjoy the feel of his hands on me more than I should. I can’t explain what’s happening between us because it’s never been like this. It’s always been friendship. He shifts back and snatches his hat from my hand.
I look over and try to get my breathing under
control. Liam tries to pretend, but I see the desire pooled in his eyes. He’s not as unaffected as he’s feigning, but Liam is trained to restrain his emotions. Fine, I can play the game too.
I pull my hair over my shoulder and lean down a little, giving him a tiny glimpse of skin. “It’s not pretending when one of us doesn’t feel that way.” I grab the diaper bag . . . real sexy, Natalie . . . and try to maintain my alluring look.
Liam isn’t buying it and he lets out a deep, loud laugh. “Nice try, babe. Let’s go.” He grabs the diaper bag off my shoulder and heads out of the room.
“Looks like Mommy’s lost her touch,” I say to Aarabelle as I grab the car seat and head out.
“You mean he stayed the whole time you were in the hospital?” Reanell asks suspiciously.
“Yes, he wouldn’t leave.” I grab my coffee mug and curl up on the sofa. We’ve been home for a few days and Liam hasn’t stopped by. He texted me yesterday to wish me luck on my first day of work, but I haven’t replied.
“Hmmm,” Rea says as she taps her lip. We’ve been trying to analyze everything, because there’s a part of me that wonders if I’m making this all up. “I mean, he was Aaron’s best friend.”
“I know. I think it’s just his duty to him. It would explain why he kinda disappeared after he dropped us off.”
She looks at me trying to see through me. “Do you want him to stop by?”
“Reanell, please. It’s not even been a year. There’s no way in hell I want another man. I love my husband.”
Grabbing her drink, she comes over to the couch and sits next to me. “I know you do, but you’re a woman. Liam is a good man. A man who seems to care about you and Aara very much. Would it be such a bad thing?”
I think I’ve entered into another dimension. My friend who told me if her husband died she’d join the convent because it would be too hard is urging me to entertain this. “Yes, it would be bad. First off, Liam has never had a serious girlfriend, let alone taking on a widow and a baby. Second, he’s a SEAL!” I yell out and then recover. “Fuck . . . he’s a SEAL. Deployments, possible death. I couldn’t.” I start to panic.
“Hey,” Reanell grips my hand. “I’m not saying it’s good or bad. I’m just saying sometimes the heart wants what the head says no to. I don’t know if your heart or head want anything.”
“Sleep. They want sleep.”
She laughs and releases my hand. “That’s why I’m here. Go take a nap. No more talk of boys. I’m glad he came to the hospital and took care of you. You needed someone and he was there.”
“Yeah, he was. Okay, I’m going to rest. Thank you for coming over and watching her for me. I can’t keep my eyes open.” Reanell is a godsend. She called and I filled her in on everything, and without saying another word, I heard her car start to head to my house. It’s a sisterhood, being a military spouse. Even though Aaron wasn’t active anymore, we’re still family. When one needs us, we’re there, especially in the special ops community.
“Any time, my friend. Now go get some beauty sleep.”
I kiss her cheek and head to bed. Once I’m stripped down to my shorts and tank, I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling.
Rolling over, I grab Aaron’s letter and read it again. His words give me hope for the future and yet at the same time break me further apart. All I wanted was a life with him. I read about how he felt when we met. If only he knew. “You didn’t have to work so hard to get me,” I say aloud, relying on my faith that he can hear me. “I loved you from the moment I met you. I was yours before you even spoke a word. God, you were so handsome,” I sigh and close my eyes.
“I remember the first time I saw you . . . you had that stupid hat on backwards and were wearing your football jersey. You nodded your head to me like I should fawn at your feet. Idiot,” I laugh softly. He was so cocky and full of himself. There was no way I was going to let him know how much I already wanted him. “Now I’m here without you.” Tears stream down my face. He’s gone and I’m in pain.
“Why, Aaron?” I roll and face where he would be if he were in our bed. My hand grazes his pillow and another tear falls. “You say to move on, but how? You didn’t tell me how to do that. I can’t love anyone else. I don’t know how. You were my first love, my only love, the first man in my heart and in my body. Hell, you are my heart and I don’t know how to let go of that. If I let someone else in, then I’ll lose you forever.” I continue to speak to myself, praying for an answer, because I don’t know how to give him up. “You have to show me, or give me a sign.” I clutch his pillow and sob relentlessly until I fall asleep, wishing I were in his arms. Safe and happy in the arms of my husband.
“Her food is labeled and I wrote down all the times she needs to eat,” I instruct the nanny I hired. She’s a friend of Reanell’s and came highly recommended.
“We’ll be just fine.” Paige bounces Aarabelle on her lap as she giggles.
“Okay, I’m sure I’ll call only around a hundred times.”
Paige smiles reassuringly. “I expect no less. First days are scary, but Aarabelle and I have a busy day of fun planned.”
I secretly love that she’s paying more attention to Aarabelle than me and my neurotic-ness. First day of working at Cole Security and I no longer think this is a good idea. Leaving Aarabelle and then stepping foot into the building where Aaron worked is daunting. I thought maybe I could feel closer to him, now I’m not so sure if this is the right move.
“I’ll have my phone on me and the number to the office is on the paper by the fridge.” I’m clearly stalling. I don’t know how to spend the entire day away from Aarabelle.
Paige brings Aara over to me. “It’ll be fine. If we need you, I’ll call. I promise.”
Nodding and drawing a deep breath, I kiss my daughter and turn to head to work.
I can do this.
Once I reach my car, I notice the note and flower on the windshield. I open the note and my lip turns up.
Hey Lee,
Sorry I’ve been MIA but I’m back at work and my schedule is jacked up. Have a good first day. Be sure to give the guys hell.
Liam
Sitting in the car, I try to wipe the smile off my face but I can’t help it. It’s the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone’s done for me in months.
Starting the car, the phone connects to the bluetooth and I decide to call him.
“Hey,” he answers on the first ring.
“Hi,” I say, still smiling. “I got your card and flower. Thank you.”
“I was jogging and wanted to let you know I didn’t forget about you. I’ve been busy getting checked in and caught up to speed.” Liam’s voice is thick and restrained. There’s a part of me that doesn’t fully believe him.
“Right. No, it’s fine. I’ve been busy too,” I lie.
Liam chuckles, “I got a call on Aaron’s quad if you’re still wanting to sell it.”
Another part of Aaron that I’ll lose. “Sure.”
“Lee?” Liam utters my name reluctantly.
“Yeah?”
He pauses and clears his throat. “How’s Aara?”
That wasn’t what I was expecting based on the tone of his voice. Not that I had any idea what he was going to say, but Aarabelle isn’t a touchy subject. “Good, she’s with the nanny and I’m freaking out,” I laugh. “I’m sure she’ll be fine but it’s the first time I’m leaving her.” I turn into the parking lot of Cole Security Forces and nerves begin to stir.
It’s Mark and Jackson, but still. I’m worried that being in there will make his loss even more prominent . . . not that it can be any more apparent. He’s dead. I’m alone and a single mother.
“You okay?” Liam asks, and I realize I’ve been silent.
With my eyes closed, I shake my head. Am I okay? I don’t remember the last time I felt okay. “I’m fine.”
You can almost feel the disapproval over the phone. He hates that word, but it’s my crutch. “I figured. How about I bring a pizza ov
er tonight? We can go over some of the papers for the sale of his car and now the quad.”
“Sounds good.”
“Good, see you around seven.”
“Seven it is.” This is awkward. I feel like there’s something neither of us is saying but neither of us knows how to proceed. “Okay, I gotta get in to work.”
There’s some rustling in the background and Liam’s hand covers the phone, “I’ll see you later. Good luck today.”
“Thanks, see you later,” I reply and hang up the phone.
I’m going to need a lot of luck.
Exiting the car, my nerves flare again. These men have been a part of my life for years, yet it’s as if I’m just meeting them. Things have changed over the course of seven months. Jackson and Mark still call and check on me, but our friendships have changed. Hell, I’ve changed. Mark came around a lot in the beginning, but as life happens, he’s moved on or pulled away. Liam, however, has stayed constant.
Here goes nothing.
“Lee!” Mark exclaims and comes walking over. “I saw you pull in and I was coming out to get you. Thought maybe you didn’t know where the door was.” He angles in and drops his voice, “It’ll be okay.”
I nod and press my lips together. “I’ve missed you guys.”
“There are some papers in the conference room we need you to fill out and then I’ll show you your office and go over what we need done, sound good?”
I look at my friend, the man who carried my husband for a mile when he was hurt on a mission, the one who is my daughter’s godfather and also the man who destroyed my world, and see his hurt. The pain in his eyes is prevalent because it mirrors mine. As hard as this is for me, this can’t be easy on them either. Mark, Jackson, and the rest of the men here were his friends. Seeing me is probably difficult for them as well.
My hand grips his arm. “I’m happy to see you.”
Mark in his true fashion smirks, “I’m not a bad view, eh, Lee?”
Consolation (Consolation Duet #1) Page 6
