by Ashley West
Everything hurt.
Silla was a long, long way away, but Cullen was pretty sure he knew what she'd have to say to him if she could see the state he was in. The ship was equipped with a sick bay, including cots for the injured and a fully quarantined area for communicable diseases. His condition wasn't that bad, so he was just laid out on one of the cots, trying not to move too much.
He didn't know where they'd taken Sadie when they'd arrived back at the ship, but he could only hope she was alright and would wake up soon. And not be too furious with him.
"You're an idiot," Tiama said for what had to be the hundredth time since they'd come to his aid. "You are reckless and thoughtless, and you could have died."
"I had to do something," he said back, wincing when he tried to sit up and everything throbbed with pain. "I couldn't just let him have her."
"You could have waited for us. You could have told someone where you were going. Did you think that we would have sent you in there alone to fight him yourself?"
Cullen shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know."
Tiama's nostrils flared, and she raked a hand through her spiky black hair, clearly frustrated. "You know that most of us do not agree with your...dalliance with Sadie. Most of us see it as a betrayal of all that we are. Most of us think you're thinking with other parts of your body that are not your head."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Cullen asked, not looking at her. "I know what you all think."
"I am not interested in making you feel better," Tiama said in her usual blunt way. "My point is this: most of us think that about you, but we are still your comrades. We're still your people. We would fight for you and with you because that is how things work among our kind. No one has to fight alone."
Cullen sighed and curled his fingers into fists at his side. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't come to you, and I'm sorry that I couldn't save her."
That was what hurt the most, Cullen realized. He had promised Sadie that he was going to keep her safe. He'd promised her that he'd never let K'varot touch her again, that he'd fight and destroy anyone and anything that tried to come between them. And he'd failed. He'd tried, but trying meant nothing if it wasn't successful.
K'varot and his allies had beaten him down, and Cullen was smart enough to realize that they would have been successful in killing him had Tiama and the others not arrived when they did. Not only would they have killed him, but they would have killed Sadie or worse, and it would have been his fault entirely.
The shame of that burned in him, and he could feel his throat going tight and the tears pricking at his eyes. It had been so long since he'd lost a fight. So long since he'd been forced to realize that he wasn't invincible.
Usually he had much better judgement than that, and never would have rushed into a situation like that without his companions alongside him.
He'd been thinking with his heart and not his head, and didn't that just prove the point that everyone had been trying to make to him? Being with Sadie was dangerous. The way he felt about her...it was strong and real, but it had nearly gotten them both killed. And with this...more lives were at stake than just theirs. Being careless was not an option.
Tiama was silent for a while, letting him work through his thoughts at his own pace. She was good for things like that, naturally quiet when she wasn't being blunt. Finally, she spoke again. "You're thinking very hard."
Cullen sighed. "I'm thinking that perhaps Overon was right."
"That's improbable."
"But he predicted this. That I would lose sight of what was important because I was too lost in Sadie."
"I don't believe he said it with that much tact."
"Well, no. He is still Overon, after all," Cullen said. "But he was right. I lost sight of the mission. I put people in danger. All because I couldn't take five minutes and get your help in saving Sadie. I wasn't thinking clearly at all."
"I've been told that feelings and emotions make clear thinking hard."
"But don't you see, Tiama? I can't afford not to think clearly. Not now. Not with so much at stake. I have to... I have to..."
"The only thing I should think you have to do right now is rest," she said, holding up a hand when he would have argued. "You're injured. Silla is not here to patch you back together, so you're going to have to wait for the tonic to do its job." She nodded to the bottle on the bedside table. "Everything else can wait."
"Will you—”
"I will send her to you when she wakes up."
"Thank you, Tiama," Cullen said softly.
She inclined her head and then left him alone.
Honestly, Cullen would have preferred that she stay. Being alone with his thoughts and his pain sounded horrible, and it was the last thing he wanted. Taking the tonic would have been smart, but he knew it would put him to sleep while his body healed itself, and he wanted to be awake when Sadie woke up or when someone brought news of her.
His body ached, bones and muscles protesting the abuse they'd been put through while K'varot had been attacking him. But maybe the pain was a good reminder of how he had messed up. How he needed to do better.
For long minutes, Cullen drifted. He was achy and bone tired, and his mind wandered, playing the events of the last several hours over and over in his mind.
It was one of his worst qualities, his tendency to obsess, and he was getting himself worked up all over again when someone cleared their throat in the doorway, and he looked up.
It was Sadie.
She was leaning against the door frame, the picture of casual ease, but he could see that she was really using it to prop herself up. Cullen didn't see an escort, and he was willing to bet that she had walked herself down here, whatever injuries or ailments she had not stopping her for a second. That was just how stubborn she was, and it was one of the things he liked the most about her, even when it frustrated him.
"You're okay," Cullen breathed. "You are, aren't you?"
"I was just about to say the same thing to you," Sadie fired back. "Only you don't even look okay. What did he do to you?"
"Never mind me," Cullen said insistently. "Are you alright?"
Sadie rolled her eyes, but then nodded. "Yes. I think so, anyway. No one will tell me what happened, but I feel like an overcooked noodle."
He wasn't familiar with the phrase, but judging from the circles under her eyes and the way she was struggling to hold herself up, he figured it had something to do with exhaustion.
"You shouldn't be out of bed," Cullen told her, even though he was glad to see her beyond the telling of it.
"I had to know if you were okay," Sadie said. "I knew, you know? I knew you were going to come for me, and I knew he was going to do something horrible to you. When I woke up and saw I was back here, I knew something bad had happened. No one would tell me what."
"You may not want to know," Cullen warned.
"Of course I want to know." She stepped into the room, and made her way over to his bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Despite the fact that shifting even a little bit made him ache, he moved aside enough that she could stretch out next to him.
The door was open, and anyone walking by would be able to see them like this, but Cullen didn't care. It wasn't a secret anymore, obviously.
He moved his hand until he found hers and threaded their fingers together.
"What did he do to you?" Sadie whispered, turning slightly so she could see him better.
Cullen wished she wouldn't. He knew he was a mess of bruises and scars now. She'd seen him without a shirt plenty of times at this point, but now he felt like she was really looking. Really seeing every battle he'd been through.
"He...I don't know if torture is the right word. He attacked me. He had his minions attack me. He said he was going to make me regret leaving Fora." Cullen held up a hand so they both could see it and watch the tremors in it that went all the way down his arm. "Their weapons are quite potent."
"Oh god," Sadie choked out
. She buried her face against his shoulder, and after a moment, he felt her shoulders start to shake.
"Are you crying?" he murmured. "Sadie, please don't cry."
"But this is all my fault!" she said. "You're hurt, and it's because of me. I'm so sorry."
"No," Cullen said firmly. "I'm hurt because I didn't stop to think. I promised to keep you safe, and as soon as you needed me to keep that promise, I failed you. We could have both died today, and it would have been my fault." His voice cracked at the end, and he stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what he needed to do. "You understand, don't you?" he asked quietly. "What could have happened today?"
"Of course I do," she said. "We could have died. K'varot could have won, at least that battle."
"Yes." He swallowed hard. "And you understand why this can't happen again, don't you? Because of what I came here to do? Because so much more is at stake."
Sadie lifted her face and looked at him, frowning. "What are you trying to say?" she asked.
"I'm saying that...that perhaps everyone was right. Everyone who said that this wasn't a good idea."
Cullen watched Sadie's face as he spoke. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened and then closed, and he could see the moment her usually bright eyes went dull.
"You're saying that people like Overon were right."
It wasn't a question.
"I'm saying that they had a valid point. It's...incredibly hard for me to think clearly around you. All I want to do is keep you safe and keep you close to me, but that's not why I'm here. That's not what my mission is."
"Then screw your mission!" Sadie exploded all at once. She let go of his hand and was up and off the bed in a second, glaring down at him.
"Sadie," he said. "You don't mean that." He wished he could sit up. He wished he had kept his mouth closed.
"You don't know what I mean," she snapped. "I didn't ask for this, you know. I didn't ask for you to be all charming and kind and eager and interested in me. Don't blame this on me!"
"I'm not blaming you!" Cullen rushed to assure her, and Stars, he wished he could push himself into a seated position. Arguing with someone while flat on your back was both undignified and just plain awkward. "I'm only saying that I'm supposed to be focusing on--"
"Yeah, I got that," she said. "And I'm a huge distraction. I'm sorry that I got kidnapped and that it threw you off your game. You know, this is just so typical."
"How could it possibly be typical?"
"This is what always happens. When I...when I feel something for someone. They get intimidated or scared or whatever, and then all of a sudden it's my fault. I can't help the way I am! I didn't ask you to care about me!"
"Sadie..." Cullen had never heard her sound like that. She seemed on the verge of tears again, voice rough and raspy. She wouldn't meet his eyes, and he could tell that under her bluster and anger, there was real hurt there. And Stars, he hated being one of the people who hurt her.
"Sadie," he tried again. "This is for the best. I need to be able to focus if I'm going to help your people and save my own. Remember what I promised you? That I'd help you save your friend? I can't do that if I'm dead."
"And being with me is as good as a death sentence, right?"
Her voice was sharp and it cracked like a whip.
"That isn't what I said."
"But it's what you mean."
"I don't know what else to do. I've never...I've never felt this strongly for anyone before," he admitted. And that was true. There was a reason that his people were rumored to be as cold and unfeeling as the ice they worked with. They didn't have relationships so much as they made agreements with others of their kind to keep their people alive. His parents had been friends, but he wouldn't say they loved each other. He'd never seen his mother look at his father the way Sadie looked at him sometimes, and he'd never seen his father near delirious with worry about his mother the way he'd been when Sadie had been taken.
These weren't feelings he'd ever expected to have, and now that he was confronted with them, he wasn't sure what to do.
Sadie sighed, and the fight seemed to drain from her. "Okay," she said, nodding slowly. "Okay."
"Okay? Okay what?"
"Okay, you win," she said. "I don't...I don't want to be the reason the Earth is destroyed or whatever. I don't want to stand between you and your duty. People have called me selfish before, and I won't do it when this is so important. I'm sorry I made things harder for you."
"Sadie, you didn't," Cullen said, voice soft. "I just..."
She shook her head. "You don't have to explain it any more. You have to do what you think is best. I'll be fine."
Before Cullen could say another word, she was leaving the room and he was alone again.
Cullen heaved a sigh, long and heavy, and then let his head flop back against the pillows. Everything hurt, including his heart now, and he reached for the tonic and downed it in one swallow.
No reason to be awake now.
Chapter Thirteen: Faith
It was funny, how quickly things could change. Sadie had just gotten used to the way things were. She was considering the ship, full of the strange, prickly quiet Ithilir to be her home. It was different from anything she’d ever had before, but it felt good to be there. It felt like a place where she could be happy.
But of course, she should have remembered that it was temporary. Wasn’t that always the way? Nothing good ever lasted for very long.
Sadie told herself that she wasn’t going to cry.
What would crying accomplish anyway? It wasn’t that Cullen didn’t want her, anyway, right? It was that he needed to be able to focus. He needed to have his head clear. And he was so crazy about her that she made that hard for him. Which, in some backwards way, was a compliment.
But it meant that there couldn’t be anything between them. After he’d beaten K’varot, it wasn’t like they were going to stay around on Earth. They had to go back to their own planet and make sure things were alright there. From what she’d learned from talking to Cullen and Tiama, being an ice warrior of Fora was almost like some kind of holy calling. He’d go right back to that. So there’d be nothing left for her.
And that was fine. It was okay. It was good that it was happening now, as opposed to later when she was more attached and it was harder to let go of him. Now she could mourn for what could have been and then pick up the pieces.
Easy. Simple. No problem at all.
Sadie had no idea where she was going. She should have been headed back to her room, but she’d taken a wrong turn somewhere, head in the clouds as it was. Even now, a good chunk of the ship was unfamiliar to her. She’d seen her room and Cullen’s, the bathing room, the sick bay, and a few other places, but they’d all agreed that it was better if she didn’t go wandering around.
So now she was in an unfamiliar part of the ship, maybe a cargo area, and she just sighed and sat down against the wall. In a minute, she’d get up and retrace her steps back to her room, but for now, she was exhausted. Being caught by K’varot again had been an ordeal, and whatever he’d done to her left her body weak and tired. Fighting with Cullen hadn’t helped. Her head was swimming, her limbs felt heavy, and she blinked slowly.
Maybe she’d just rest for a minute…
“What are you doing here?”
The gruff, demanding voice jolted her out of her doze, and she jerked her head up, blinking rapidly. “What?” It took a moment but the blurry image in front of her resolved itself into the hulking figure of Overon, standing over her looking grumpy. “Oh. It’s you.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yes, it’s me. Let me ask again. What are you doing here?”
“Something nefarious probably,” Sadie snapped back. “Downloading your secrets so I can give them to the enemy, no doubt. You know how close K’varot and I are.” Overon didn’t look amused, and it was Sadie’s turn to roll her eyes. “I got lost and then I got tired,” she said dully. “I’ll be up and out of your way in a second.”
“Good,” Overon said. He hesitated for a bit and then, “Cullen talked to you?”
Something that definitely would have been rage had she not been so exhausted welled up in her. “Excuse me?”
“Did Cullen talk to you?” he repeated, slower this time, as if she were an exceptionally slow child.
“Yes, he did,” Sadie said, fire in her eyes. “I’m sure you’ll be thrilled to know that it’s done between us.”
Instead of looking triumphant, as she’d expected him to, Overon just looked confused. “What?”
“Finished,” Sadie said. “Over. Kaput. No more. He essentially dumped me because I’m a distraction. So congratulations, Overon. You win. You don’t have to worry anymore about one of your best being tangled up with the likes of me.”
The confused look didn’t go away, though, and Overon tilted his head, looking down at her. Sadie hated that, and she thought to get to her feet, but that wouldn’t do much to ease the height difference between them, and would cost a fair amount of energy, so she just stayed put, grinding her teeth in irritation.
“That doesn’t sound right,” Overon was saying.
“What do you mean, it doesn’t sound right?” Sadie demanded. “Haven’t you been telling him to chuck me since basically the second I stepped foot on this ship? Actually, it was probably before when I was still unconscious the first time. Now he’s finally following your advice. You should be smug or whatever.”
“What changed?”
“What?”
“What changed?” Overon asked. “What changed Cullen’s mind? He was so determined to be with you. You made him...different. I think he liked it.”
Sadie swallowed hard at that. She wasn’t going to cry anymore. It took too much energy, and she wasn’t going to give Overon the satisfaction of seeing her break down. “His mission,” she said, voice bland. “He’s dedicated to this thing you’re meant to be doing here. Saving the planet, killing K’varot. All that. He doesn’t want anything to jeopardize that, and apparently today was a fiasco.”
“Eh,” Overon said. “It wasn’t that bad. I mean, Tiama’s livid, as livid as Tiama gets, I guess, but we all made it out alive. Wouldn’t have been a problem at all if Cullen had just used his head.”
