by Lux, Vivian
I leaned back in my chair. Lily was staring at me with murder in her eyes and truth be told, I was aching for a fight myself. We're gonna talk about the beach, what the hell happened. One way or another, Lil Bit. This way is just going to be more fun. "That's my mom you're marrying, you old fucker. She's batshit insane, but I still want you to treat her right."
Nails leaned back in conscious imitation of my pose. "Don't I already?"
I had to concede that point. "In your own way, old man."
Did Nails Nesbit just look at me… fondly? I darted a look at Lily and I could see she saw it too. I nodded in her direction. "Hey Bit, wake up, we're brainstorming here. How about this one, Nails? Why don't you say something about how you'll always tuck her in if she's had too much to drink?"
Lily gaped at me. "Did you hear that, Bit?" I pressed her. "'I'll always tuck you in when you have too much to drink.' Write that down."
Some of the fire came back into her eyes. Oh that got to you, huh? I've got a few more. I leaned forward, ready.
She adjusted herself primly in her chair and scribbled something down on the notepad. "Okay, I got it. Now Dad, how about this? You should also say something about always being faithful. In fact, that’s probably the most important vow you can make when you love someone. You should put that first. Makes sense, right?"
I broke in before Nails could answer. "You could talk about never being afraid to say you're sorry."
"And you'll always come to her first with problems and not go sharing them with the press," Lily shot back.
"Why the fuck would I even do that?" Nails grumbled.
I stared at Lily. Her breath was coming shorter now and I knew she barely noticed her father was in the room anymore. I knew I didn't give a shit what he was hearing. "You might want to mention how you have her name tattooed over your heart."
Lily looked horrified but Nails just looked confused. "I do?"
I didn't look at him. I was too busy watching Lily. "It's a metaphor," I handwaved.
"Maybe I'll do that for real," Nails mused.
"Yeah, you totally should. Chicks usually go for those kind of demonstrations of your love." I paused deliberately. "I guess it does depend on the chick, though."
"You sound like you're talking from experience," Nails drawled.
"Who, me?" I leaned back again. "Nah. My tattoos are just pictures. They don't mean anything to me." Blatant fucking lie, but I guess I'm going full asshole here. It's what she expects.
Lily made a small, hurt sound and I instantly wanted to take it back. "Dad, you know, you should also maybe talk about humility."
"What?" Nails was confused. I wasn't.
"About how being in love is a two-way street and sometimes you have to let go of your own ego?"
He sighed and let his shoulder sag. "Okay, sure, write it down."
Low blow, Lily. "Write this down too, Liliana. 'I solemnly vow that I will always listen to the words you're saying and not jump to my own half-assed conclusions.' "
"Got it," Lily sneered. "I'm also putting down that you vow to never publicly humiliate her."
"Well, maybe not that," Nails grumbled. "I'm always fucking up in public."
"You'll do your best," she gritted, staring right at me.
"Sure." Nails leaned over to look at the piece of paper with Lily's scrawl all over it. "Gotta say, these are some weird fucking vows, kids."
Lily slammed her hand down on the table. "It's a start. I'll go type them up for you and we can play around with them over the next few days."
"I'll help with that too," I said, rising to my feet.
"No, I got it," she said tightly, snatching the paper away.
But my arms were longer. "I insist." I yanked it out of her hands.
"Listening to you two is giving me a headache," Nails complained. "Go do that writing shit and leave my dumb old brain to these circuits."
Lily shot from the room like a rocket. "Hey, Lil, aren't you forgetting something?" I waved the piece of paper. She bolted toward me and grabbed it from my hand, snatching so hard she left a little corner piece pinched between my fingers. I was laughing, but it wasn't a good laugh. It was the tight, tense laugh of someone verging on hysterics. She bolted from me again, tearing up the stairs toward her room, but I could take one step for every three of hers and I covered the ground between us in no time. I grabbed her arm, wheeling her around in the precise place I had kissed her three days prior. It felt like a lifetime ago.
"You want to stop hiding from me and tell me what the fuck happened at the beach?" I growled at her, heart hammering in my chest.
She looked at me, panicked. For a moment, I thought I had her. Her mouth opened and closed as all the emotions in the world battled for control of her face. My grip softened. "Lily," I pleaded.
Then she shook herself and the open book of her face slammed shut. "Nope," she said. She ducked under my arm and ran to her room. And slammed the door in my face.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Liliana
I flew to my laptop and threw it onto my bed. My fingers were already typing before my document had fully loaded.
I will always be true to you.
I will love you forever
This is my vow.
To always honor you, both in public and private.
To recognize my faults and strive to be a better man.
To love you how you deserve to be loved.
To be your best friend and make you laugh.
To cherish your body and your pleasure.
To be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
To never hold on to slights and faults, whether intended or otherwise.
To always respect your wishes and never ignore your pain.
To be your companion through thick and thin and never let the bad times get the best of us.
A drop of water hit my keypad and I looked at it, astonished, before I realized it was a tear. I pulled back and stared at the letters on the screen, the words that had just poured out of me…
I wasn't writing my father's vows. I was writing a fantasy. Just like my books with their idealized versions of Jaxson, I was writing out everything I wanted him to say to me.
And everything I wanted to say back.
Time slipped away, like it always did when I was immersed in words. When my stomach growled, I looked up to the slanting sun and realized I hadn’t eaten at all today. Blinking up from the laptop, I realized my headache had only gotten worse and I was in danger of bringing on a migraine if I didn't get some food in me, fast.
The house was strangely quiet when I emerged. Below me, a figure swathed in shawls and bangles drifted in from the kitchen and looked up at me. "Liliana, how are you feeling? Jax says you had a migraine."
I blinked, surprised that he had lied for me. "I did. They always knock me out of commission for a few days. I'm okay now, just hungry,” I said, looking around. "The place looks amazing, Annie."
It really did. The sagging, beaten-down furniture had been replaced with numerous pieces that, while they didn't match, per se, seemed to balance each other in a discordant harmony, each piece a note forming a chord. The bare walls had been hung with soft tapestries and bright art and the whole place shone with new coats of paint and polish.
Annie looked around, no small amount of pride in her gaze. "The guys have been wonderful," she said. She looked genuinely happy and appreciative.
I ducked my head guiltily. "Was there anything you wanted me to do to help?"
Annie looked at me sharply, all the softness gone from her eyes. "I did actually want to talk to you about that. I need to see the dress you're wearing."
The soft Earth Mother was gone and the steely-eyed control freak took her place. This was the terrifying Annie I was used to. "Um, now? Can I grab something to eat first?"
"I'll have Diggs make you a sandwich. I need to take care of this now before too much more time passes."
"Um, take care of what?"
"The
color scheme at the altar. You're standing with your father…”
"I am?"
She shot me a look as she briskly passed me on the enormous staircase. "Of course you are. You're the best woman."
"I am?" I thought I was just going to be attending the wedding, not be a part of it. "What does that mean?"
"It means your dress can't clash with the colors I've chosen." She power-walked down the hall and pushed open my door. I ducked under her arm and just managed to close my laptop before she could catch a glimpse of the "vows" I had written.
"Go on, pull it out and show me."
God, she was terrifying. "It's… a little wrinkled…"
"We'll have it steamed," she snipped.
I pulled out the rumpled, dark green heap. It was my favorite dress, worn only once. I had always liked how the subtle sheen changed from green to orange, but Annie looked completely horrified. "Absolutely not."
"Why not?"
"The altar is blue and silver. You'll look like a fungus up there."
"Gee, thanks, Annie."
She waved her hands. "It's no matter. You'll go find another one."
"I will?" Annie had a way of making me sound like an especially stupid parrot.
"I have accounts at Bellamy, Justine's, and Paloma Veldt." She was already half out the door, ready to attack the next problem on her list. "Go to Justine's first."
"Wait!'
"Yes, Liliana?"
"You trust me? To find my own dress? One that doesn't look like…" I bit off a smile. "…fungus?"
Her gaze softened somewhat. "Of course I trust you Lily." Then she snapped out of it. "I'll call ahead, have them pull a selection."
"Gee, thanks," I repeated, sitting down heavily on my bed. I didn't go shopping much for a reason. Most clothes cut for women didn't fit me. I shopped in the kids' section for blouses, tees, and jeans, then had them tailored to fit my curves. Dress shopping was a complete an utter nightmare. "Can't wait."
Diggs knocked softly on my open door. "Can't wait for what, Lil?" He held out a plate. "Heard you were hungry."
"Oh my God, you just saved me from certain death." I lunged for the turkey on rye, happy he remembered the pickle.
"Glad I could help."
"You always do," I mumbled around a mouthful of sandwich. I swallowed greedily and crunched the pickle. "Can you make me another one tomorrow? I need all of my strength before I have to go… dress shopping." I winced just saying the words. "Apparently, the one I chose is going to clash with the altar scheme."
I thought I would make him laugh, but instead Diggs just looked pensive. "Well, if she thinks so, she's probably right. Annie didn't get where she was by leaving things to chance. She's always at least three steps ahead of the rest of us. Not much gets past her."
My heart flopped sideways as he casually leaned down and kissed me on the cheek, and I was certain he could hear every guilty beat.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jax
I wasn't staring. Just keeping track of things.
That's what I was telling myself, anyway.
That's how I knew that Liliana's door had been shut since last night. It was fucking pitiful, really, the way I kept my ears pricked for any sounds from her bedroom. A few times I heard the clack of keys, and once or twice, an explosive sigh that brought me to my feet, ready to knock on her door. But I pussied out every time, and Lily stayed cloistered.
When the morning rolled around with me barely having slept, I rose, disgusted with myself, and pulled on my workout clothes. I needed to get the fuck out of this house.
Annie and Nails had chosen the house with the view, rather than the house with access, so I ran down the winding drive and cut over a block to the footpath that led down to the beach. Windsprints in the sand would do the trick. I would drive Lily's shut bedroom door from my brain by brute force. Or die in the attempt.
I ran to the point of dry-heaving, but Lily's door was still shut in my face. Defeated, I limped back up the footpath and up to the house, wishing that we had rehearsal scheduled today. I needed to get away from here, from her, but every time I came up with something, I immediately found a reason why I shouldn't go.
I was going to stay here until that girl opened her door, and there was no pretending like that wasn't the truth.
Feeling like the most pathetic, pussy-whipped piece of shit in the universe, I dragged my sorry ass up the drive and stopped short when I saw the delivery truck by the door.
"Hey there," the driver called. "I rang the bell, but no one was home."
"There's always someone home," I grumbled. "Hang on." I opened the front door. "Yo!"
"The fuck you yelling about?" Crusty Pete hung his head. Diggs gave me a faint, watery smile and Bash groaned.
"You bunch of drunks," I chuckled. "Get up. There's a big-ass truck in the driveway."
Bash smacked his head with his open palm. "Ah, shit, he's here already?" He lumbered to the window, looking confused at the curtains that blocked his vision before remembering to push them aside. "Well, fuck me, look at that. Why didn't he knock?"
"Says he did. You all need hearing aids, apparently."
"Rock and roll will do that you," Greg Fingers grinned. "This tinnitus is a bitch."
"Says he rang the bell."
"Well, that's his problem. The damn doorbell is the same exact tone as the ringing in my ears. I can't hear that shit. Yo!" He yanked open the door. "Whaddya got?"
The driver called something unintelligible to me, but somehow tinnitus-Greg heard it perfectly. "That's the lumber for the pergola," he said, turning to look me up at down. "You feel like banging some nails today?"
"Who's banging me?" Nails wandered into the living room scratching his belly.
"Got the wood for the pergola, Nails," Bash piped up. "Gotta get to work building it today.
"What the fuck is a pergola? No… wait," he held up his hand and grimaced, "Annie told me and it's something very important that I definitely know all about."
"I'm telling her you weren't listening," I teased.
"Boy, I will fuck up your life," he growled, and I laughed even harder.
This was good. I hadn't looked at Lily's door in the last five minutes. I was already sweaty, and at least this would give me something to do with my hands other than jack off.
"I can help," I offered.
The guys looked at me, surprised. Nails gave me that odd, fond smile again, and I couldn't help but fuck with him. "I mean, I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to bang something today. Didn't think it'd be Nails, though."
The guys groaned. "That's just wrong." Diggs shook his head.
"I'm just wrong," I assured them.
"Okay, it's just like load-in, except we're building an altar instead of a stage. Let's do this!" Bash's enthusiasm was met with a chorus of groans and lifted middle fingers, but the guys hauled themselves to their feet all the same. "Damn, boy, you're giving Crusty Pete a run for his money this morning," Bash told me, waving his nose as we trooped out onto the deep front porch.
"It's called exercising, Bash." I grinned, following him out to the truck. "You might try it some time." I did not look over my shoulder at Lily's shut door. Okay, one little peek.
It was shut.
"The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'," Bash declared, patting his gut proudly. "And I bet I can lift more than you, anyway."
"We'll see, old man."
Greg leapt up into the open trailer and began sliding the twisted pieces of wood toward the end. The branches were polished to a high-gloss, but still retained their natural shape. They were pretty, but really fucking awkward to carry.
"Hey, grab that end, will you?" I hefted the trunk end, leaving Bash to deal with the twisted branch end.
"Jesus," he panted, hauling it onto his shoulders, "what is this thing made of, iron?"
"Don't you, like, lift stacks of amps for a living?" Nails called. "How the fuck do you think this is heavy?"
/> I chuckled as the six of us hauled the first load down the steeply sloped lawn toward the cliff overlooking the ocean. I could feel my muscles straining and a good, heavy burn starting in my lungs. And I wasn't thinking about Lily at all.
Except right then.
If she looked out her window right now, she would probably wonder why the hell we were carrying trees across the lawn."
And again right there.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Liliana
I twisted sideways, tugging at the drooping bodice. The sagging black fabric exactly matched my mood. "No, I don't think so."
"I think it will look lovely, once we get it fitted." The poor salesgirl sounded like she was at the end of her rope and I felt perversely guilty.
"Look," I said tiredly, letting the dress fall in a heap around my sneakers. "I really appreciate all of the personal attention today, but I don't want to waste your time anymore."
She looked relieved. "I'm sure you'll find a dress, Miss Nesbit. Thank you for shopping at Bellamy. Please give Miss Blue our sincere congratulations."
"Yup," I said, yanking my shirt back on. Two stores down, one to go. If Paloma Veldt's didn't have something on the rack that fit me, Annie was just going to have to accept a fungus-colored stepdaughter on the altar with her.
I shot my salesgirl a rueful smile and headed out into the relentless sunshine, where I was immediately swallowed up by the crowds of gorgeous, healthy, model-esque people flitting from yoga classes to juice bars. I felt like a Hobbit amongst the elves. And then I felt like a total nerd for making that comparison.
Paloma Veldt's was on the same block of storefronts that looked like they had been built only yesterday. After only a year away, my eyes had grown accustomed to New York's grit and history. Everything here was shining and brand-spanking new.
And that included the people. A limber-looking guy with a man-bun and a yoga mat tucked under his arm shot me a smile as I passed him. He looked like the kind of guy who read poetry, who donated to charities, and who liked to cuddle. The type who would make sweet, tender love to me and possibly tear up afterward. Exactly the kind of guy I always told myself I needed to find. I waited to feel something, anything, like attraction. But all I could think was that he wasn't Jax.
