“If I stayed in Groveton, I have no doubt I would have become my father. Your dad swore to me he’d never be Dad, and the day he graduated from high school he turned into the same bastard our father was. I didn’t want trailer parks and I didn’t want girls hooked on drugs and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life hurting the people I said I loved. If I stayed, I would have become my father and one day I would have hurt you.”
I shake my head. Scott would never have hurt me. He wasn’t capable of it.
“I was so damned scared that when I began to run, I couldn’t stop. I was scared to face you again. Scared if I saw you, I’d stay and turn into my father.”
Scott swears and holds his hands together as if in prayer. I bite my lip when his voice cracks. “When you first moved here—every time I looked at you I saw the old man. I saw his anger coming out of your eyes. I saw your father’s bitterness wrapped up inside of you. As much as I’ve hated myself for leaving you behind, I don’t regret it. If I’d stayed I would have never broken free and all of that anger and bitterness I see in you would have been inside of me.”
I know the anger and bitterness he’s talking about. They’re the chains that weigh me down and threaten to drown me daily—at least until I found Ryan. But those chains returned with one phone call from Shirley and they’re slipping tighter around my throat. “Yay for you. You broke free and I got screwed.”
Scott leans forward. “I know it seems that way, but I broke free for you too. I fucked up. I should have come back when I signed with the Yankees and dragged you to New York with me. I didn’t and I’m sorry, but I’m here now and this…” He holds his hands out and motions at the house. “This is your break, kid. This is your baseball. All you have to do is trust me and take it. Whatever you want, it’s yours, but you have to let the past go.”
Scott is talking about hope and hope is a myth. He acts like it would be easy to leave Mom. As if I could effortlessly hand over the demons in my nightmares and somehow with the swish of a magic wand, everything would be okay. “What about Mom?”
He doesn’t answer immediately. Instead, he stares at a thin scar on his right hand where he told me Grandpa had cut him with a knife when he was a kid. “She’s not my responsibility and she’s not yours either.”
“No. That’s where you’re wrong. Mom is my responsibility. It’s my fault that she’s miserable.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Whatever. I’ve been thinking, maybe you could give her some money. We could put her in one of those rehab places and when she’s clean we could move her someplace nicer. Mom used to work and we could get her another job. She’s been down for so long and I know she keeps Trent because he has money. If you help her, I’m sure she can get better.”
“I can’t.”
My head snaps back as if he slapped me. “What do you mean you can’t?” I did it. I came to him for help. I’m trusting him and he’s throwing it back in my face?
“I made myself and Allison a lot of promises when we moved to Groveton and more importantly when I brought you back into my life. Your mother is a line I can’t cross.”
No, no, no, no. NO! This isn’t how our talk was supposed to play out. “But you have to.” The room becomes suddenly restrictive and I stand. I need to get out. Everywhere I turn there’s a window or an entrance to another room. There’s not a damn door to the outside in this huge fucking room.
“Elisabeth,” says Scott real slowly, “why don’t you sit back down?”
“You have to help her!” Because I can’t, and the realization cracks my sanity. “Send her to a rehab. Get her clean. She’ll be better then. You don’t understand. She never had a shot. We never had anything. No one ever helped us.”
“I sent her money,” Scott says softly.
There’s a roaring in my head and I freeze midstep. I’m in the kitchen and I have no idea how I made it here. “What did you say?”
Scott walks over to the island. “I sent your mother money every month. I opened a bank account for her and every month she drained it. I wasn’t man enough to call you, but I was man enough to pay for my mistakes. Allison found the account a couple of months ago and thought I was having an affair. I brought her here, to Groveton, to prove to her that I wasn’t lying about you or your mother and when I got here I didn’t like what I found. So we stayed, but I promised Allison I would cut off your mother. She obviously wasn’t using the money to help either one of you.”
“You’re lying.” I slam my hand against the counter. “You’re fucking lying!” He has to be.
“I can show you the statements if you’d like.”
I can’t breathe. I can’t… I can’t breathe. I can’t.
“Elisabeth,” says Scott, “sit down.”
I try to suck in air, but my lungs won’t expand. Grabbing on to the side of the counter, I bend over in my search for oxygen. Scott’s wrong. He has to be wrong. Mom would never have done this to me. Never. Why can’t I fucking breathe?
“Elisabeth!” Scott shoves a stool out of the way and catches me as I fall to the floor. He sits beside me as I lower my head into my hands.
“Just breathe,” he commands.
My intake sounds like a wheeze and I feel as if my mind is splitting into halves.
“It’s okay,” Scott tells me.
But it’s not. Nothing is okay.
RYAN
Beth didn’t show last night. I’m not surprised. My parents are back in town, plus Beth spent the whole day and into the evening at the hospital Saturday and needed a day to rest. I hoped she would come though. I only saw her for a few seconds on Saturday and that was in front of Scott. She seemed so broken. I need to hold her and tell her I love her and I need to hear the words back.
I’ll catch her before school begins and spend the day trying to put a smile on her face. Lacy, Chris, and Logan will want to help. Between the four of us we can distract her.
I open the fridge, pull out a Gatorade, grab my keys from the counter, and swerve to avoid steamrolling my mother. “Sorry. I’ll see you at the game later.”
And officially introduce Beth as my girl to my parents. There is no way either of them would make a scene in public.
“It’s early. Sit down.” Mom brushes past me. She’s polished for the day. Dress pants. Sweater set. Pearls. Mom will be on the social club prowl by lunch. Dad walks into the kitchen from the formal dining room and barely glances at Mom. The vacation was supposed to save their marriage. Last night they slept in separate bedrooms.
My keys jingle in my hand. “I have some stuff to take care of before school. Can we talk later?”
Mom eases into a seat at the table and gestures for me to follow. I cock my hip against the frame of the door instead.
“Fine.” Mom opens her right hand and like an accordion my condoms fly onto the table. “Would you care to explain?”
My keys dig into my hand as I try to keep my anger in check. “You went through my room?”
“We’re your parents. We have the right.”
I survey Dad and he patiently stares at me from the other side of the room. Panic combines with nausea and adrenaline, but I’ll be damned if they see it on my face. How much did they go through? Did they find my plaque from winning the writing competition? Did they turn on my computer? Did they find my stories? This is exactly how they treated Mark when he first came home from college this summer. Right before he told them he was gay.
“I counted them,” Mom says. “There’s one missing.”
I’ve never hated my mother before and, right now, I do. “What do you want?”
“Who is the girl?”
“I’m not telling you.” Not when Mom is going to downgrade Beth to the girl I used a condom with. Mom will take something that was beautiful and twist it into something dirty.
&
nbsp; “Is it a girl?” Dad asks.
My grip on the Gatorade tightens. “What is wrong with you?”
Dad pushes away from the door frame with muscles tensed. Mom hops out of her seat and directly into the path of me and Dad. “We heard a rumor yesterday when we went to dinner. I know it has to be untrue because you would never go against our wishes. I would have discussed it with you yesterday, but you were out. I did what I had to do to get some answers.”
“You wait for me, Mom. You don’t go through my stuff.”
“Are you dating Beth Risk?” she demands.
“Or is she the girl you’re experimenting with?” asks Dad.
Mom spins. “Andrew!”
“Some girls you date. Others you have sex with. Boys do this.”
“I’m aware of your behavior in high school,” Mom says. “But my son will not be sleeping with one girl and dating another in public. Gwen deserves better than that. I deserved better than that!”
“Stop it!” I’m tired of the fighting.
“It was one night, Miriam!” Dad yells. “Twenty-five years ago.”
I throw the Gatorade in my hand across the room. Glass shatters in the china cabinet and Mom holds her hands over her head. “Do you guys even hear yourselves anymore? Did you even bother listening to Mark? Do you even hear me? I’m not dating Gwen and leave Beth out of this!”
“Ryan!” Dad bellows, but Mom puts her hand up to silence him.
“Ryan,” she says slowly. Her hand plays with the pearls around her neck. “Beth Risk isn’t who you think she is. Gwen grew concerned when you continued to date Beth at school even after we forbade you to see her, so she went to her parents…again.”
I swear under my breath. Gwen doesn’t even understand the destruction she’s created.
Mom continues, “Don’t be mad at Gwen. She cares for you and she did the right thing. See, her father knows the truth about Beth. She didn’t move to New York with Scott all those years ago. Her father went to prison and her mother moved herself and Beth to Louisville. Gwen’s mother knows the attendance clerk at Beth’s old school in Louisville.
“I’m sorry, Ryan, but sometimes children are destined to become nothing more than their own parents. Beth is a drug user. She’s been arrested and her reputation with boys at her old school…”
I don’t wait to hear anything else. “Does Gwen know any of this?” Because she didn’t before. Otherwise, she would have told me in order to break Beth and me up.
“Yes. She was there when her parents told us yesterday.”
With my keys tight in my hands, I turn my back to her.
“Ryan!” Mom calls from the kitchen. “Come back!”
She’s too late. I race out to the garage, start the Jeep, and peel out of the driveway. If Gwen knows, then that means she’ll tell the rest of the school.
BETH
Scott pulls into a spot next to the front entrance of school and places the car in Park. We’re early. Neither one of us said much during breakfast. I didn’t eat. Neither did he.
“Are you sure you want to go today?” he asks for the tenth time. “I’m okay if you stay home. Allison and I heard you pacing downstairs so I know you didn’t sleep the past few nights. She’s worried about you and so am I.”
I’m too damned tired to even roll my eyes at the lie of Allison being concerned over me. Mom and I were supposed to leave today. I was going to cut school and take a cab into Louisville. Then Mom and I would have left. My insides feel tormented, battered, and bruised. Sort of like if Trent was allowed free rein over my organs. The worst sensation is the tightness in my lungs, the feeling of drowning.
I touch the ribbon on my wrist. “No. I want to go to school.” I need to see Ryan. He said I had roots here. I need to hear him say it again. I need to laugh with Lacy. I want to smile when Logan and Chris egg each other on. I want to nail the anatomy quiz in science. I want to know that I’m not making the worst mistake of my life by leaving my mother behind.
My backpack sits on the floorboard and I hold my science book to my chest. I’m good at science. Really good. My teacher likes me. Instead of yelling at me when I accidentally cursed while giving an answer, she laughed and winked. After class she told me to watch my fucking language. I earned a B on my last progress report and last week my teacher told me that I’m close to an A. Me, Beth Risk—I could get an A.
“I never wanted to tell you about the money.”
I shake my head and Scott stops talking. I’d rather not think about that. It still hurts too much. I try to wipe out the thoughts of Mom and money and how I’m leaving her behind with Trent. Instead, I try to focus on Lacy. She called me her best friend and she asked me to stay the night next weekend. Since I left Groveton at the age of eight, I’ve never had a sleepover with a friend. She said we’d eat frosting and watch movies. I have a best friend who’s a girl.
“You don’t look good, kid.”
I hit Trent Saturday, which means he’ll hit her. I choke as I attempt to breathe. How can I do this? I can’t leave her behind. “Mom swore to me she’d never do heroin.”
“I’m sorry,” he says in a simple way. Kind of like when a child finds out that Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist. He’s sorry that the fantasy is over, but happy I’ve entered reality.
Mom doesn’t fight back when Trent hits her. I should go into Louisville. “Dad shot up heroin. He sold it too.”
Scott turns off the car. “I didn’t know.”
I’m leaving Mom behind, but I owe her. She never left me. “He wasn’t bad when he shot up. Mostly he slept. The needles scared me. Mom got real nervous if I played too close to them.”
“What happened?”
Why didn’t Mom tell him? Or Shirley? Why do I have to do it? “Dad didn’t want me.”
“Your dad was young. He didn’t know what he wanted. It had nothing to do with you.”
True. Dad was seventeen when I was born. Mom was fifteen. Dad knew he wanted her. He took her and made me. But Scott is missing the point. “He told me that himself because I, uh…made a mistake.” I am a mistake.
Scott stares at me with those blue eyes that are much gentler than Dad’s and much more full of life than Mom’s. I don’t want anger and bitterness in my eyes.
“When I was in third grade, a guy came to the trailer and at first everything was fine, but then he and Dad began to argue. The guy reached to the back of his jeans and he pulled out a gun.” A shiver runs through my body. My eyes dart in front of me. I see my backpack, the floorboard, the stereo in the car, but my body reacts like I’m back in the trailer.
“He pointed it at Dad and when Dad laughed he pointed the gun at me. It was so close.” Very close. Close enough I could feel the metal on my forehead. Mom screamed and warm urine streamed down my legs onto the floor.
“Elisabeth,” Scott softly urges.
“They argued some more and he cocked the trigger.” It made a frightening sound—click, clitch. I rub the goose bumps forming on my arms. I knew I was going to die and I remember praying to God that it wouldn’t hurt. Mom screamed and screamed and screamed. “Dad threw a sack of money at him. He uncocked the gun and lowered it.” I ran. Past Mom, who collapsed on the floor crying. Past Dad, cursing the man out. Past the bathroom and into Mom and Dad’s bedroom. “I hid under the bed and I called the police.”
Scott shakes his head as he stares out the windshield to the entrance of my school. “How much heroin was in the house?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “Mom found me on the phone and she realized what I had done. Dad was still trying to flush the heroin down the toilet when Lacy’s dad placed the handcuffs on his wrist.” They cuffed Mom too and she cried so hard that her body shook. While they searched the house, Mom and Dad were on their knees in the living room.
“Elisabeth.” It’s a plea, but I’m not sure what he expects from me.
“Elisabeth is dead, Scott. Please stop calling me that.” I remember my father’s glare as Lacy’s dad walked me past them. I died to him in that moment. “Mom was put on probation. Dad served six months. After he got out, he drove into Louisville to see me. He got down on his knees, looked me in the eye, and told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to him.” He stood. Faced my mother and asked if she was coming with him. Mom decided to stay with me. “And he left.”
And Mom didn’t leave, because she chose me. Even though she loved my father, she stayed. I owe her.
Scott turns the car back on. “I’m taking you home.”
“No!” I need to get an A in science. I need to see Ryan, go to his game, and know I’m making the right decision. I have a life here in Groveton and I need to be okay with letting my mom go. “I have a test today, then Ryan’s game after school. Let me do this.”
“If it’s what you want, fine. But we’re talking about this when you get home.”
Home. I have no idea what that word really means.
* * *
The bell rings as I slip into the building and I weave through the hallway filled with students. My own skin feels strange on my body. Almost like it’s too tight and needs to be shed. For years I focused on skipping class and today I fought to go to school. What is wrong with me?
A girl runs into my shoulder and laughs the moment she sees who she’s collided with.
“It’s her,” her friend loudly whispers.
The hair on the back of my neck stands on end. It’s me. What does that mean? I continue down the hallway and a group of guys stop talking and watch as I walk past. I clutch the science book as a shield. I didn’t even garner this much attention on my first day.
Screw them. I want to find Ryan and go to science. He won the writing competition and he has his last game this afternoon. I haven’t even properly congratulated him. I round the corner and stop the moment I spot a crowd of people near my locker.
Dare You To--A Life Changing Teen Love Story Page 31
