by Ryan Field
“So am I.”
*****
After he left Len’s truck, Jim took a shortcut through a group of tall shrubs so he could use the back door. He didn’t want to wake anyone up. His clothes were rumpled, his hair was sticking up, and he smelled like his own dried come. He could still smell Len’s scent all over his unwashed body. Jim had always been sensitive to smells, which is why he used to sniff Cain Mayfield’s clothes in high school. And there was something distinct and strong about the scent Len Mayfield gave off that couldn’t be compared to any other smell on earth. There were nights when Jim didn’t want to shower after he’d made love to Len just so he could smell Len for as long as possible.
When Jim tip-toed up the steps and gently pushed the back door open, his head jerked and he pressed his palm to his throat when he saw his father sitting in the kitchen at the center island holding a mug. The stool he sat on faced the back door; he was leaning forward on his elbows as if waiting for Jim to walk into the house.
“You almost sacred me to death,” Jim said. He forced a smile and pretended nothing was wrong. “Having a midnight snack?” He tried to keep it light and get upstairs before his father noticed anything unusual about him. He felt like it was written all over his body…that he’d been fucked senseless by Len Mayfield in the back of his pickup truck on a back road in the woods.
Radcliff smiled. “It’s four in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. Some people are starting to get up now.”
Jim inhaled; he could still smell Len. He was too tired to go through this with his father. “Can’t we talk tomorrow?”
“Where have you been, Jim?” He didn’t raise his voice; he didn’t lower his eyebrows. His tone remained even and he kept his gaze fixed on Jim’s terrified expression.
Jim shrugged and headed toward the back stairs. He had trouble looking his father in the eye. “I’ve been out. I met Cain tonight and we went out for drinks.” He figured he was safe mentioning Cain’s name. Going out with his old high school friend sounded normal.
Radcliff frowned and set the mug down on the counter. “I know where you were earlier. Cain phoned and left a message a few hours ago. He wanted to thank you for helping him out with some kind of a problem. That was a long time ago. I’m curious about where you went after that, especially since your car has been parked outside for most of the night.”
Jim squared his shoulders. “Are you spying on me? I’m not a child. In case you haven’t noticed I’m a grown man and I shouldn’t have to answer to anyone.”
“You’re not acting like a grown man,” his father said. “You’re acting more like a teenager.” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “In fact, that’s exactly what you’re acting like: a spoiled teenager who doesn’t know what he wants or what he’s doing.”
A rush of adrenaline passed through Jim’s body. His face grew warm and he clenched his fists. He turned to Radcliff and said, “Maybe I’m acting like a teenager because I never was a teenager.” He didn’t mean to shout. But it came out much louder than he’d planned. He’d never once spoken to his father in this tone, not even as a teenager.
“What do you mean?” Radcliff asked. “Or course you were a teenager. You had a fine upbringing and you were a very happy kid.”
Jim started to seethe. “I wasn’t as happy as you thought I was, trust me.”
A light in the back stairwell lit up and Jim’s mother came to the bottom of the steps. She glanced back and forth, between father and son, and said, “What am I missing down here?” Her expression suggested she sensed trouble.
Radcliff shrugged and said, “I was just wondering where our son was until four in the morning. He doesn’t seem to think it’s important. He thinks I’m treating him like a child. He doesn’t seem to think it’s important that he’s wasting his life and headed for no good.”
Helen sent Jim a serious look. Then she took a deep breath and said, “Let’s go to bed and talk in the morning. We’re not thinking clearly now.”
Jim clenched his fists tighter. The pressure in his head became almost too unbearable to take for one more minute. “No. I think we should talk now, mom. I can’t do this anymore. If he’s going to sit up and interrogate me, I’m going to tell him the truth.”
Helen flung Jim a look. “Are you sure?”
Jim nodded yes.
“What are you two talking about?” Radcliff asked. “If you’ve been keeping something from me I’d appreciate it if you told me about it. After all, I’m part of this family, too.” He sounded sarcastic, but his tone suggested a combination of both anger and hurt.
Jim glanced in his mother’s direction one more time. She shrugged and said, “It has to come out sometime. It will be okay.”
The father pounded his fist on the counter. “What will be okay? What the hell is going on here?”
Jim took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then exhaled. “I’m gay.”
A strange silence passed through the kitchen. For a moment no one spoke. Then Radcliff tilted his head and sat back. He folded his arms across his chest and said, “Did you just tell me you’re gay?” He glanced at Helen. “And you knew about this?”
Helen spread her arms wide. “He told me earlier this evening. I didn’t know for sure until then. I promised I wouldn’t say anything until Jim spoke to you first.”
Radcliff lowered his head and thought for a moment. When he looked up again, he said, “I see. You’re gay. But that doesn’t answer my questions about where you were and what you were doing until four in the morning.”
Helen Darling walked to where her husband was sitting and put her arms around him. “It’s late. Let’s go to bed, process this, and talk in the morning.”
Jim remained in the middle of the kitchen staring down at the floor. Now that he’d said the words out loud to his father he felt a sense of relief that was even stronger than when he’d told his mother and Cain. The most important people in his life knew he was gay. He would never have to go through this ordeal again with anyone.
Jim’s father climbed off the stool and walked to where Jim stood. He put his arms around him and hugged him as tightly as he could. “I can’t say I’m not in shock. It was the last thing I ever expected to hear. I know your mother had suspicions about this for a long time and I just kept denying them. I used to laugh at her and say she was crazy.”
“I’m sorry,” Jim said. “I’m sorry I’m not what you wanted me to be.” He was hoping his father wouldn’t ask details about where he’d been. He would have had to lie, and he didn’t want to do that.
Radcliff stepped back and grabbed his son’s shoulders. He held them and gazed into Jim’s eyes. “You don’t ever have to apologize to me for something like this. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m in shock, but I’ll get over it. And I’d rather know who you are than never know you at all.”
Helen sent Jim a glance. She smiled and nodded, letting him know everything was going to be okay.
Jim felt a sting in his eyes and he reached out to embrace his father. He couldn’t hold his emotions in a second longer. He held his father, lowered his head, and started sobbing on his shoulder. “I wanted to tell you a long time ago. I just didn’t know how to do it.” He started to shake. “I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t think I had a choice. I figured it would be easier on everyone if I kept my mouth shut about it.”
Radcliff patted his back. He spoke with a soft, comforting tone. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out. You’re going to be fine. There’s no need to worry about this anymore. I know things are different now than when I was your age.” His father sighed and asked, “Are you sure you’re gay? Maybe you’re bi-sexual?”
Jim said, “I’m sure, dad. I’m gay.”
“I see.”
This would have been the happy ending Jim had always dreamed about when he imagined himself coming out to his father. Though he knew his father hadn’t completely accepted him being gay, he hadn’t freaked out on him either. It could have been far worse. His
father could have kicked him out of the house and his life. Jim should have been relieved to the point of ecstasy that night.
The problem was Len Mayfield. If he’d fallen in love with a guy his own age it would have been easier. But now he had to figure out a way to tell them he’d fallen in love with one of their best friends, a married guy with a son who was Jim’s age. It occurred to Jim running away to LA might be the best thing for all concerned. It also occurred to him that ending the affair with Len Mayfield might be even better. This way he wouldn’t have to tell anyone about Len. He would die with this secret.
Chapter Twelve
* * *
The next morning after breakfast, Jim and his father went for a long ride beyond the back pasture on his father’s favorite horses. They talked about Jim being gay and about his future. Radcliff didn’t understand everything; Jim could see he was still processing it all. But he told Jim that he would support him and that being gay shouldn’t alter any plans he had for the future. Jim knew his father was talking about law school. The problem was Jim didn’t want to be an attorney as much as his father wanted him to be one. He told his father he was still thinking about law school, even though deep down inside he knew this would never happen. Jim would tell him eventually, after the shock of telling him he was gay subsided. They didn’t get into any details about Jim’s gay life, not in the same way his mother had asked him about safe sex and dating men. But when they returned to the house after the ride, Radcliff hugged him and said, “Please be careful.” Jim nodded and said, “I will, dad. I promise.”
It turned out to be one of the hottest days of the year. The thermometer passed the one hundred degree mark and Jim spent the afternoon jumping in and out of the pool to cool off. His mother and father had plans that weekend. They were going to visit old friends who owned a ranch that was a four hour drive away and they wouldn’t be back until very late Sunday night. Before they left, they hugged Jim, told him they loved him, and said that if he needed anything they’d come home.
He assured them he was fine and that he would start making a few decisions soon. He told them he couldn’t promise them they would love his decisions but he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life at the swimming pool or the stables. His father brought up law school as they were about to leave and Helen poked his father in the back. Evidently, they’d been discussing the matter alone and Helen didn’t want Jim’s father applying pressure on him. Helen smiled and said, “He’s a man now, not a child. If he wants to go out and dig ditches for a living, I’m fine with it. As long as he does something with his life that makes him happy and it’s legal.”
Radcliff clearly didn’t agree. He frowned and pressed his lips together. When Helen poked him again, he rolled his eyes and said, “I agree with your mother. Whatever you want to do is fine with us.”
Sometime after six that evening, Jim’s phone went off in the middle of a nap. He’d been planning to stay home that night and watch old movies on TV. Maybe he’d go for a long walk, or jog, and think about the decisions he was facing. He could still go to law school. Maybe it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. He reached for the phone, expecting it to be Len, and Cain said, “Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
He rolled his eyes. He took a breath and sighed. “I’m staying in. I have to sort a few things out.”
“Let’s go out again, seriously,” Cain said. “I’m going to go crazy if I have to spend another minute in here watching my dad mope around while my mom gets ready to go out to who knows where. It’s just sick shit, man.”
“Can’t you call someone else,” Jim said. He knew Cain had tons of friends from high school who still lived in Dallas. “I’m really tired and I have a lot to think about right now.”
“I’m not going to be around town for long,” Cain said. “Besides, there’s no one else I want to be with.” Then he went into a long speech about how much he needed to talk to Jim about his future again. He said he’d had an argument with his girlfriend that afternoon.
By the time Cain stopped speaking Jim agreed to go out with him for a drink. Then he went downstairs, grabbed a cold slice of pizza, and ate it alone at the center island. After that, he went for a long run at the back of the property, hoping to relieve some tension. It was so hot that by the time he returned to the house his body dripped with perspiration and he felt a little light-headed from dehydration.
After he showered he put on a light V-neck T-shirt and a loose pair of faded jeans he hadn’t worn in a long time. They were softer and lighter than his newer jeans and he wanted to wear something that would keep him from sweating. When he pulled up to the Mayfield house at ten o’clock that night, Cain stood at the door waiting for him. There was a light on in the upstairs guest room. But Len was nowhere in sight. Cain jogged down the front steps; his smile showed off his tan and his bright white teeth. He wore casual baggy white shorts and a black T-shirt that hung on his thin, sinewy body. On his feet he wore sandals with thick leather soles. Not many men were good looking enough to wear and outfit like that and still look as if they’d just stepped out of a male fashion magazine.
They returned to the bar they’d gone to the night before, the one on the second floor with the aggressive southwestern theme. This time Cain didn’t drink much. He sipped one beer and kept buying martinis for Jim. This bar was known for large, strong drinks. The martinis consisted of straight vodka with a small dash of vermouth. They sat on a green leather sofa; Cain sat on Jim’s left. Though Jim resisted the drinks at first, he finally submitted to temptation. It was partly Cain’s fault; he could talk anyone into doing anything without working too hard at it. Jim was thirsty from his long run and stressed about his situation with Len Mayfield. With each sip of cold vodka he took, his body grew numb and his problems didn’t seem as serious. By the time he knocked back his fourth martini he noticed another young man sitting to his right.
The other guy reached out and introduced himself to Jim. He said his name was Chase and Jim started to laugh out loud for no apparent reason. As it turned out, they’d all gone to high school together. Cain finally admitted he told Chase to meet them at the bar without mentioning this to Jim.
Both Cain and Chase gaped at the way Jim laughed, and Cain asked, “What’s so funny?”
Jim slurred his words; he continued to laugh. “I just thought of something someone once said to me, is all. It was something about the chase of a lifetime.”
Chase thought this was so funny he reached over and grabbed Jim’s leg. His hand went higher and he felt Jim’s ass. Though Jim wasn’t sure why Chase had grabbed his leg…or his ass…he didn’t complain. Chase had thick dark hair, a strong chin, and a deep rugged voice. He reminded Jim of one of his favorite porn stars, a name he could never recall but a dick he’d never forget watching.
The three young men remained on the sofa for the next hour, talking about nothing important, joking about the ridiculous things coming out of Jim’s mouth because he was so drunk. Though Jim didn’t remember Chase well from high school, he did remember a little bit about him when Cain and Chase started to reminisce about being on the high school football team. When it was time to close the bar down, Cain took Jim’s keys and said he would drive home. Though Jim argued in a warbled voice that he was perfectly capable of driving, Cain insisted and he pulled the keys out of Jim’s hand anyway.
Jim had trouble walking down the steps to get to the first floor, so Chase put his arm around him and guided him down very slowly. Jim didn’t object; he felt safe in Chase’s strong arms and he couldn’t deny he wasn’t attracted to him. When they reached the car, Chase put his arms around Jim and kissed him on the mouth. Jim noticed that Cain was standing there watching them kiss, holding the car keys in his right hand and rubbing his abdomen with his left. From the smile on his face, Cain appeared proud of what he’d accomplished that night. And Jim had a feeling he’d been set up.
On the drive back to Jim’s house, Cain drove while Jim and Chase sat in the backseat. By the t
ime they pulled up to Jim’s door, Jim’s pants were down around his knees and Chase was on top of him kissing and biting his neck. When Jim glanced into the review mirror and saw Cain was watching him make out, he pushed Chase off, pulled up his pants, and said he wanted to go to bed. He told Cain to take the car home; he said he’d get it tomorrow. He didn’t care what happened to Chase. He figured Chase was Cain’s problem, not his.
But Cain pulled the keys out of the ignition and said, “We’re going to help you get to bed, buddy. I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself.”
Jim thought he saw Cain and Chase exchange a glance, as if they were planning something and not letting him in on the secret. “I’m fine. I can go up on my own, thank you.” With Cain, Jim never knew what to expect.
Cain climbed out of the car and pulled the seat forward. “We’re just going to make sure you get to bed safely. Let’s go.” Then he reached for Jim’s hand, pulled him out of the car, and helped him stand up. He even patted Jim on the butt a few times in a playful way and laughed aloud.
Chase jumped out and came around to the other side of the car. He put his arm around Jim and guided him to the front door before Jim had a chance to refuse. He smelled so good and he had that thick, dark stubble that some guys grow on purpose. When the stubble brushed against Jim’s smooth face he felt shivers up and down his legs. The only man Jim had ever been with was Len Mayfield and he couldn’t deny he wasn’t curious about other men. Besides, he didn’t think he had future with Len Mayfield, at least not after the way Len had reacted. And when the magnitude of his hopeless situation hit Jim in this drunken state of mind, he placed his palm on Chase’s solid flat stomach and rubbed it very gently. Then he hiccupped and said, “You’re hot.”
Then Chase patted his bottom and said, “So are you.”
Cain rolled his eyes and said, “Let’s get him to bed now.”
