by David Thorne
What the fuck for? What are you even doing in my files?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 12.56pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
I didn't think you would notice. I am meant to be laying out a business card for a client so was looking for a distraction and realised I can open and save files from your computer over the network.
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From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
But what did you put Justin Biebers face on them for dickwad?
I was going to use them for something.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.12pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
You can still use them. Justin Bieber is very popular.
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From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
Stay off my computer and you better have a backup of the original images. Do you have a backup?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.31pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
No.
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From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
Right dickhead. I'm making a formal complaint.
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From: Jennifer Haines
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 9.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Meeting this afternoon.
Good morning David,
I hope you had a good weekend. I'm not sure how many client meetings you have today but can we find time this afternoon to have a chat? Simon has filed another formal complaint against you which makes a total of 14 this year. I thought it might be a good idea if all three of us sat down to have an open discussion and try to work towards a resolution.
Jennifer
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 9.34am
To: Jennifer Haines
Subject: Re: Meeting this afternoon.
Good morning Jen,
The last time I checked, there were only twelve complaints and two of those were complaining that nothing had been done about the other ten. What are the thirteenth and fourteenth regarding?
Regards, David.
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From: Jennifer Haines
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 9.51am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Meeting this afternoon.
Simon filed a F26-A on the 9th of this month stating you had changed his server login ID to Mr Bobbity Head and another on Friday claiming you hacked into his personal Amazon account and ordered a book about boats. He printed screen shots and supplied these with the F26-A. Under section 5, paragraph 2 of the Employee Workplace Agreement which we all signed, I am meant to provide support through discussion of the issue with both parties. Would 2.45 today be ok with you?
Jennifer
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 10.14am
To: Jennifer Haines
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Meeting this afternoon.
Dear Jen,
If Simon really took offence to the title Mr Bobbity Head, he would put some effort into stopping its thrashing about as if he is asleep on a rollercoaster. I passed him in the corridor this morning and had to perform a tuck and roll. Providing support through discussion would seem to me less effective than some kind of medical neck brace.
Although I received no request from Simon to change his login name, which would possibly have been more appropriate than a formal complaint, to appease his denial of truth, I have amended it to Mr Non-Bobbity Head.
In regards to Simon's Amazon account, my 'hacking' knowledge consists entirely of having seen the movie Sneakers eighteen years ago. Renting an apartment across the street with an unobstructed view of Simon's keyboard through a telescope would require far greater organisational skills than I believe I have ever exhibited while working here. I have three months of unfinished work on my desk and spent last week playing Words with Friends on my phone. As such, it is more likely he simply ordered the book about boats himself and then forgot doing so.
I saw a movie once where Goldie Hawn bumped her head on a boat and got amnesia. Snake Plissken made her look after his kids. It's entirely plausible that, after ordering the book about boats, Simon struck his head during one of his bobbity jaunts down the corridor.
Alternatively, he may have repressed the memory. I have read that repressed memories may sometimes be recovered years or decades after the event, triggered by a particular smell, taste, or suggestion through hypnotism. I am happy to attempt to hypnotise Simon if you think this may help. I will email him now and schedule a time.
Regards, David.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 10.18am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: pressed memories.
Dear Simon,
Jen and I have been discussing the possibility that you may have Repressed Memory Syndrome and feel it might be helpful to hypnotise you. Would 2.45 today be ok?
Regards, David.
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From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 10.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: pressed memories.
Fuck off dickhead.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 11.22am
To: Jennifer Haines
Subject: Simon's repressed memories
Dear Jen,
Simon seems reluctant to participate. This can often be the case when dealing with motivated forgetting in which a subject blocks out painful or traumatic experiences in his or her life. I wish I had the ability to block out certain memories of my own. I have attempted to put a recent event behind me for the sake of the company but Simon's continued efforts to make himself out to be a victim have left me with no other recourse than to file a formal complaint myself.
On Tuesday evening, the 15th of November, I stayed late to start a project the client was expecting to see the next day. I had been given the project a fortnight prior but this was around the same time I downloaded Words with Friends. Simon was the only other person left in the office.
Perhaps I should have recognised the signs earlier - comments such as "Those pants are nice," and "What kind of conditioner do you use? Your hair smells like coconut & orchid" - but, having grown up on a small farm, I guess I was simply naive to the ways of city folk.
I was in the middle of writing copy concerning the lifestyle merits of choosing galvanised roofing materials when the lights dimmed and I heard Justin Timberlake's SexyBack coming from Simon's work area. I looked up to discover Simon dancing slowly in the doorway. I asked what he was doing but he stepp
ed towards me, placed a finger to my lips, and stated, "Simon says shhh little one. This is not the time for words." I attempted to explain that it was and the client was expecting four pages of them by the next day but he wouldn't listen and straddled my chair.
Confused and alarmed, I attempted to push him off but, despite what you would assume from a complete absence of any muscle tone, he was stronger than me and pinned my arms firmly against the armrests, kissed my neck, and whispered, "I can be gentle, or very very rough. The choice is yours."
Not being overly happy with either option, I pushed hard against the desk with my legs, sending the chair rolling across the room before careening into several stacked boxes of Reflex copier paper, toppling the chair and sending us sprawling. Realising this may be my only chance of escape, I tucked my arms to my sides and rolled, like a child on a steep grassy knoll, and leapt to my feet. Bolting out the door and into the dark and stormy night, I heard him crying, "I'm sorry. Come back." But I didn't.
While I accept Simon may be sorry for what he has done, in the interests of protecting fellow co-workers and being compliant with section 5, paragraph 9 of the Employee Workplace Agreement, please find attached a copy of the report.
I request a full investigation into this incident and expect Simon to undertake the sexual harassment course as outlined in Section 3, paragraph 2, of the Employee Workplace Agreement which we all signed. Failing this, a F26-B will be filed with head office as per Section 3, paragraph 8.
Regards, David.
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From: Jennifer Haines
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 1.45pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Simon's repressed memories
David,
I really don't have time for you two today. Your story is completely unbelievable and filing a class 2 complaint of sexual harassment means I am now required to provide head office with a completed I-95A assessment and recommendation form. Is this really what you want?
I will arrange for Simon to take the course with TWE if you agree to retract or at least change your complaint to class 1 so it can be dealt with internally. Do not send a F26-B to head office.
I have no idea what is going on between you two but I would appreciate it if you would sort this nonsense out between yourselves in future without creating more paperwork for me.
Jennifer
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 2.02pm
To: Jennifer Haines
Subject: Re: Re: Simon's repressed memories
Dear Jen,
Thank you for your understanding. What happened is indeed completely unbelievable but through the support of those around me I hope to make it through this difficult time. I am not a victim; I am a survivor.
As a long time advocate of education over discipline, and accepting partial responsibility for what occurred as I was wearing nice pants that day and had used Herbal Essence's 'Hello Hydration' 2-in-1 Hawaiian coconut & orchid moisturising shampoo and conditioner that morning, I agree to your request and will amend the complaint to class 1 following Simon's completion of the TWE course. I also accept your position on wasting company resources through misuse of the F26-A form for matters that would be better dealt with through discussion over a friendly pint at the pub.
I have taken fifty dollars from petty cash and will ask Simon if he wants to have a drink after work.
Regards, David.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 2.14pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: ndezvous
Dear Simon,
I'm going for a drink after work if you'd care to join me. Your shout.
Regards, David.
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From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 2.37pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: ndezvous
No thanks dickhead.
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From: Jennifer Haines
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 3.56pm
To: Simon Dempsey
CC: David Thorne
Subject: Appointment with John from TWE
Hello Simon,
Due to a Section 3.2 of the Employee Workplace Agreement, when certain accusations are made against co-workers the company is required under workplace compliance laws to provide reasonable steps to resolve the matter.
As part of this agreement, which you signed, you are required under company policy to complete a government certified course. Taking the course does not mean you have sexually harassed anyone.
I have made an appointment with John Bryant from TWE for you to undertake this course at 11.30am next Wednesday.
It should only take around 2 hours to complete the course with a half hour break in between for lunch.
Additionally, I would appreciate if you and David could discuss and sort out any further issues without resorting to filing out an F26-A as I'm sure all of us have better things to do with our time than deal with this nonsense.
Thank you, Jennifer
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From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 21 November 2011 4.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject
You fucking liar.
Goat Rotation: A guide to rotating a goat by 37˚
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: camping
I have never been a massive fan of camping. I enjoy the interesting bits of it like lighting fires, pitching tents and paddling in kayaks, but the bits where you sit around on fold up chairs inbetween the interesting bits without access to television or a computer are boring. I have comfy chairs at home and a Keurig and pizza delivery and when I get bored I can argue on forums about things I couldn’t care less about or take a hot shower.
I realise the media has perpetuated the myth that all Australian’s enjoy the outback and that we all own big knives, wear dungeree shorts, and wrestle crocodiles, but this is not the case. I don’t know anyone who has ever wrestled a crocodile or has the slightest inclination to do so. When Steve Irwin was stabbed in the chest while teasing a stingray that was minding its own business, I was sad for his family’s loss but the suggestion of creating a ‘National Steve Irwin Day’ and describing him as “an ambassador for Australia” and “ecological spokesperson” left me bewildered. All he did was perpetuate the same clichés that Crocodile Dundee did in the 80's and while I am all for the tormentation of animals, I cannot recall a single instance where wrestling a stressed alligator for ten minutes instead of tranquilizing it peacefully was actually speaking for anything apart from his bank balance. I would like to wrestle Bindi in a muddy creek for ten minutes, rolling her around, cutting off her air supply and bending her limbs back before bounding her with rope and throwing her in the back of ute for no other reason than it would be good television. If I had been the crocodile Steve Irwin dangled his baby in front of a while back, I would have just said “fuck it, you dont get baby on the menu that often.”
Several years ago, I went camping with a few associates and knowing there would be times between lighting fires, pitching tents and paddling in kayaks, I thought it would be entertaining for everyone if I jumped out from behind bushes while wearing a bear suit. Renting the only ‘bear’ costume available, which was actually a koala, I altered it as best I could to make it look frightening by taping down the fluffy ears, adding sharp cardboard teeth and constructing two downward slanting eyebrows with electrical tape.
While everyone was sitting around the campfire, I excused myself, donned the concealed costume and leapt out yelling 'Rawr.'
Moments later, I realised t
he screaming and falling back off chairs was not due to wearing a bear costume but the fact I was standing in the fire while wearing a bear costume made of polyester. After a two-hour drive to the nearest hospital, I underwent three weeks of skin grafting on my left leg and six months of hearing about how I ruined the camping trip. To this day, when anyone asks about the scars, I simply state "It involved a camping trip and a bear, I don't like to talk about it" which is true because I don't.
The last time I went camping was with a group of people I didn’t like - other designers from my work. I have no idea why I agreed to it but I did so at the pub after several beers and I was the only person who owned a four wheel drive vehicle with roof racks on which to place kayaks so somehow, their opinion not mine, I would be letting everyone down by not participating.
The next day we all drove to a secluded spot, four hours from Adelaide, on the banks of the Murray River. After lighting a fire and pitching tents, everyone sat around talking about work and drinking warm beer (due to the task of remembering to bring ice being left to Simon), so I decided to take a kayak for a paddle to get away from them. I changed into boardshorts, grabbed my iPhone, and paddled off down the river towards a bend where I would not be seen by the others.
