by Sue Watson
‘Mimi... I’m touched you invited me,’ I said giving her a warm hug. Mimi and Gabe nodded hello, but neither seemed interested in the other and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Funny how I’d become so territorial about Gabe, it wasn’t like we were in a relationship, but I didn’t want any other women getting their claws into him.
Gabe went off to get us some drinks and I asked Mimi if she’d heard anything about Phaedra or Anouska. ‘What have those girls been up to?’ I asked, ‘I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to call either of them... has Anouska had her kitchen done yet?’
She seemed immediately uncomfortable; ‘Let’s not talk about her – she’s really not worth it.’
I was surprised at this reaction – perhaps Anouska’s kitchen was amazing and Mimi was jealous? Oh, the relief at not living in their world any more, I thought, as Mimi showed me round her beautiful home. I waited for that stabbing pain of envy and loss to hit me in the stomach as she took me from one exquisite room to another and then paraded her Chanel handbags and her stunning shoes on the pure silk bedspread. But I felt nothing but pleased for her, I wasn’t judging Mimi – if that’s what got her through the day then good for her. But it wasn’t for me – not anymore.
Why hadn’t I seen this before? Mimi was, a genuine, loyal friend who just wanted to be one of the gang. I’m ashamed to say I was one of the gang who’d excluded her from everything and been so blinded by my pre-judgment of Mimi I hadn’t seen the lovely woman she was. Ten years younger, a few pounds lighter and a hell of a lot prettier than me and the other Wives, I realised it wasn’t just the lap dancing we disapproved of. Without Phaedra’s bitchy whispers and Anouska’s back-handed compliments about her were based on nothing but pure jealousy.
The champagne flowed, the canapés were stunning and the music... the choir, the singing was just amazing. I sat with Gabe on a huge chunky sofa and we drank champagne and talked like it was the first time we’d met. It felt like I’d never even seen this handsome, well-dressed man at my side. He was so attentive, so interested in me and made me feel like the most important person in the room – something my husband had never done. After the choir, things kicked back a little, and a floor appeared from nowhere, with little lights around it. A DJ had seamlessly appeared behind two decks and was providing the kind of sounds you just had to dance to; ‘Do They Know it’s Christmas?’ Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ and all the mad, bad and sad seasonal songs in between.
As the music played I sat close to Gabe, which caused my pulse to quicken, I hadn’t felt like this for many years – if ever.
‘Shall we?’ he whispered in my ear. I wasn’t quite sure what he was asking, but I nodded and walked on to the dance floor (in what I hoped was a sensual way) where he joined me. He was so sexy, so laid-back, nothing and no-one seemed to bother him … and so very easy on the eye. He took my hand and electricity sparked so brightly I was sure everyone felt the sparks fizzing. We danced opposite each other, our bodies close but not touching. Our eyes were locked and I had this uncontrollable urge to touch him, to run my hands through his hair and hold his beautiful face in my hands. I’d never seen him in this way before – it was like he’d been touched by magic, his rough edges smoothed down, his smile sexier, his eyes bluer. The music slowed and we moved closer, his arms now round my waist, mine on his shoulders and my face in his neck. I breathed in his smell – no Monster Munch or musk tonight – he smelled of burnt candles, cedar wood and cinnamon, so delicious I wanted to lick his neck like a cat. I stopped myself, but after a few more minutes of close dancing I couldn’t take any more – I wanted him and I knew he wanted me.
‘Do you want to leave?’ his voice was husky in my ear, his lips warm on my flesh and I melted on the dance floor.
I couldn’t speak, but my body language must have said it all, and within minutes we’d left the warmth and noise of the house and were running through the snow still holding hands.
‘Where are we going?’ I panted as we tripped through the whiteness, my heart was in my mouth. ‘I can’t run in these shoes...’
‘You know what happens when you wear silly shoes,’ he said, grappling me to the ground, making a grab for my shoes to try and take them off while I squealed like a girl.
‘It’s okay I can walk, I can walk,' I shouted through laughter. ‘Not the shoes... not the shoes...’ I screamed as the first scarlet-soled Louboutin flew through the air, quickly followed by the second. I screamed in mock horror, but I didn’t care – the shoes were beautiful but they didn’t work in my new life.
‘What do I do now? I can’t walk in bare feet,’ I protested through giggles. And he swept me up. Just like that, he lifted me into his arms and strode through Mimi’s landscaped acreage like Hercules. I clung to him, my red silk dress damp with snow, my arms bare, my feet shoeless... but I didn’t feel the cold. And when we finally arrived at a shed, he carefully put me down, fiddled with the lock and used his shoulder to push the door open. He pulled me into the pitch black interior, pushing me gently against the wooden wall and lifting up the scarlet silk. I was naked underneath – I wanted a smooth silhouette, but no underwear had other advantages that night, and as the damp wood held my back, he lifted my legs around his waist. His lips were on my mouth, my neck, his hands were everywhere and we just kept going on and on and on. I was in a trance, I’d never felt such overpowering feelings of lust before and when he finally released himself gently, I was weak, exhausted and happy.
We half sat, half lay against the wall of the shed. My eyes had become accustomed to the lack of light and I could make out garden forks, plant pots and huge bags of compost leaning against the wall. The smell of soil and damp wood filled my nostrils and I suddenly felt cold and felt for him with my hands, running my fingers through his hair. Instinctively, he took off his jacket and put it around me, just like they did in the films, and I felt beautiful, loved. Neither of us spoke – words would have seemed clumsy and inarticulate after what we’d just experienced and despite the most wonderful Christmas party going on in the £3m house, I just wanted to stay there forever in that damp old shed with him. How things had changed.
After a while we had to move, it was very cold, so he carried me back through the snow to his truck. He was tender and gentle and sat me on the front seat like I was a piece of porcelain. Turning on the heater in the cab, he asked if I was warm enough, I nodded and smiled.
Gabe drove slowly through the whiteness, more snow was coming down and we could only see a few feet in front of us. The heater was blasting, the windscreen wipers were squeaking and John Lennon was singing ‘and so this is Christmas and what have you done?’ on the radio. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I had never, ever, had sex in a shed before, it just wasn’t like me to lose control like that... this man had such an effect on me.
I felt so young and beautiful that night. The blood was coursing through my veins and I was filled with an energy and excitement I’d never known before. Gabe was amazing, and being with him just made me sparkle, but I had to keep reminding myself I mustn’t get too carried away. I was just another bored wife to Gabe and I told myself I mustn’t lose sight of that and believe it was anything more than wonderful sex. It had disoriented me, making me realise I’d never had real passion in my life – not like I had tonight, with him.
Who was I? Had I lost myself? Or found myself? It was as though the map of my life had been mislaid, my journey suspended, my compass buried in the snow. Along with my Louboutins.
27
Fake Breasts and Drizzled Nipples
Sam
Tamsin had staggered in about 4 a.m. the night – or rather the morning – of Mimi’s party. She was pissed and giggling and almost fell into bed.
‘Tam, you’ve woken me up, you noisy sod... so how was it?’ I turned the lamp on and sat up in bed. ‘Your dress is wet… and where are your shoes?’
‘Oh Gabe hurled them into the snow again. Louboutins this time,’ she giggled.
I watched her staggering around the room barefoot, wet through but without a care in the world, and it struck me again how much things had changed. Even as a teenager she’d never come home late after a party, always too worried about what was happening at home. Then with Simon she’d never drink more than a glass or too – worried what he’d think, what he’d say. For the first time in her life she seemed free, and it was wonderful to see her finally having fun.
‘Oh Sam, it was great... Gabe was gorgeous,’ she sighed. ‘I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me do terrible things,’ she giggled.
‘What sort of things did he make you do?’ I’d asked, the look on her face suggested it was either illegal or involved more than two people.
‘We had sex… outdoors... in Mimi’s shed,’ she blurted, looking at me like she was unsure of my reaction.
‘Fantastic! Good for you, there’s nothing wrong with sex in a shed, on a park bench, a beach, the back of a car... I’ve done them all.’
‘Oh my god,’ her hands flew to her mouth. ‘Sam, you are such a hussy... was it good... in the car?’
‘I don’t kiss and tell, you’ll have to find that out for yourself, Tamsin.’
She giggled again.
‘You really like him, don’t you?’ I said.
She nodded. The sparkle was back in my sister’s eyes for the first time in forever.
‘He’s really kind, he makes me feel special.’ She had that faraway look in her eyes. ‘Sam, I’ve never been happier than this past couple of weeks, with you and Jacob and the bakery itself. I feel like I belong.’
‘I think it's because it’s what you want to do,’ I offered. ‘You’re living your life – not Simon’s. You never really bought into that corporate world of yachts and golf and posh dinners, did you?’ I asked.
She shook her head. ‘No. I saw all that tonight again at Mimi’s, the fake smiles, the fake friendships... and, goodness me, the fake breasts and teeth! You should have seen them, Sam. No, I didn’t belong there tonight. I like Mimi but I don’t want to be her, I don’t want her life or her handbags. I had such a wonderful time though, in the past I wouldn’t have enjoyed the party, I’d be obsessing about who her caterer was, what produce they used and how I could secure them for next year. Tonight I didn’t give a toss what Mimi had drizzled on her nipples... I meant nibbles.’
‘From what you say about her, you were probably right first time,’ I laughed.
In her slightly inebriated state Tamsin found this hilarious and we laughed loudly about Mimi’s nipples for some time.
She clambered into bed. ‘You know, my therapist told me I was always seeking acceptance because my father rejected me. Ha, I didn’t need to pay £120 an hour to be told that,’ she laughed, without bitterness.
‘I’ve been thinking about what you told me about Dad and the way he treated you – I’ve been trying to work it all out,’ I started gently. ‘And I think because you saw him at his worst, drunk, and aggressive, he was forced to remember that when he looked at you. When he was sober, all the guilt and self-loathing were reflected in his child’s eyes. I know it’s hard to understand, but he hated himself – not you, Tam.’
‘That makes a kind of sense,’ she said, ‘even after a night of shed sex and cocktails.’ She looked over at me and we smiled. ‘I just wish he’d realised the damage he was doing then he might have changed,’ she added, more serious now.
‘He stopped drinking, didn’t he?’ I stroked her hair.
‘But it was too late by then. I never forgave him, so how could he forgive himself? And to think I believed Simon was my salvation. My perfect marriage — as unlived in as my beautiful home.’
‘Oh Tamsin, you mustn’t see your life with Simon in the same way you see your childhood. Don’t dismiss it all as painful and dark... there were good times and good people in that life too. And you have the kids.’
‘I just find it hard to see anything but ghosts in my life. Apart from you and Richard I’ve only known transparent, insubstantial people who faded away when I needed them most.’
‘But you haven’t faded away. You may have felt weakness throughout your marriage but you never showed it and your kids are strong and forthright and…’
‘Yes. A little too forthright at times,’ she laughed.
‘Yes but Tamsin you stopped the cycle. Hugo and Hermione are their own people, however you felt inside and however small and insignificant Dad or Simon made you feel, you taught your kids to believe in themselves. You gave them self-belief, something you never had.’
‘Thanks Sam... you might be my little sister, but sometimes I feel like the little one.’ She lay still for a while, thinking then pulled the covers over us both; ‘I’m tired... let’s get some sleep, we’ve got a big day tomorrow,’ she sighed, dropping off.
‘No we haven’t. It’s Sunday, we’re not doing anything.’
She didn’t answer, so I nudged her in the darkness, but she was gone, no doubt dreaming of sex in the snow and a pair of lost Louboutins.
We were like detectives, my sister and I. We were working on cold case files long buried, feelings hidden, pasts covered up. We’d never know why our father drank or why our mother’s self-esteem was so low she stayed with a man who hurt her. Simon’s abuse was subtle, but it was just as cruel, and it would have continued until Tamsin either fought back or shrank to nothing. Sometimes things happen for the best – and it was beginning to look like their devastating financial loss might be Tamsin’s gain.
Now we just had to put the pieces of our past together and create a picture we could both accept and live with. Then perhaps my sister would find some peace.
28
Makeover Madness and a Winter Wonderland
Tamsin
The following morning I was up with the lark. I’d run out of my Sumatra Wahana so forced myself to drink three cups of disgusting instant coffee, but on only four hours sleep even that wasn’t going to be enough. It was cold, every muscle ached from my ‘outdoor activities’ with Gabe the night before (Oh God, did I really do that?) and I had a hangover. But when the bakery doorbell jangled and the boys came pouring in I was so ready for it and leaped to greet them.
‘Darling, we have come to save Christmas,’ Heddon announced. They were both dressed in white and carrying bags and boxes of all kinds of what they described as ‘festive frou frou gorgeousness’. I squealed with joy and clapped as they swept around the bakery, talking me through their design plans while I added my own thoughts and ideas.
Gabe was making a start on cleaning the walls and was going to paint them and I found every excuse I could to brush past him – it was like electricity between us whenever we touched and I could tell he felt it too. After some flirtation and lingering looks I forced myself to focus on the job in hand. ‘Tamsin’s Angels’ were about to turn The White Angel Bakery into the Winter Wonderland I would have had at home... but it was going to be so much better. I was so excited I could barely contain myself and popped back upstairs to see if Sam was awake. She was in the kitchen, hair on end, looking like death.
‘Are you okay, sweetie?’ I asked.
‘I’m not actually, Tam, I’ve got a headache, I’ve been sick and I think I’ll go back to bed... would you mind keeping an eye on Jacob?’
This was perfect. I was sorry she felt ill but it meant she’d be out of the way for a few hours so we could get a good start and we could surprise her. That way, what she saw as impossible (to re-open the bakery before Christmas) would hopefully seem very possible by the time she saw it.
I woke Jacob, gave him some toast and told him we were doing a top secret surprise for mummy and Gabe needed his help. He couldn’t have been more excited if I’d told him Father Christmas was here and within minutes, he was downstairs, and under Gabe’s fatherly tutelage, Jacob worked alongside him scrubbing soot off the walls like it was a dream job.
I made hot drinks, put on a little Michael Bublé and did what I always do best – sup
ervised – or as Sam would say, ‘bossed everyone around,’ but someone had to keep the boys in order – especially Gabe. The bakery had been cleaned after the fire, thanks to Sam and Mrs J, and was spotless, just needing a light dust and lots of paint. We dragged the reindeer and all the glass ornaments and baubles into the shop and once Gabe had finished painting the walls we didn’t wait for them to dry but just got on with styling.
By mid-afternoon it was starting to look like a bakery again. The walls were painted perfectly, the tables had the most exquisite cloths, and fairy lights were dotted everywhere. We hung glass snowflakes from the ceiling in a spectacular ‘ice-scape’ as Hall referred to it; the flakes were all glass, different sizes and shades of white, and the boys had found a glass top with lace effect for the counter, which was so pretty I almost cried.
Then I almost cried again because stupidly I’d been so obsessed with reindeers and glass baubles I hadn’t considered the tree. But would you believe, Heddon and Hall had – and within minutes Hall came back from their little van carrying a beautiful, pure white Christmas tree, which brought tears to my eyes.
We all dressed it and I even allowed Jacob to put a few pieces of Lego on there – as long as they were white. After a gruelling day, we were ready for ‘the reveal’. The glass and crystal baubles were glittering through the tree fairy lights, the snowflakes sparkled from the ceiling and the whole place twinkled.
I told everyone to be quiet, and I went upstairs to get Sam.
29
The Beating Heart of The White Angel Bakery
Sam
