by Evie Adams
I kept digging, I knew there was no way out. Maybe I would use the shovel and take a swing at him, die with some dignity at least. But he had pistol on me the whole time, he never let down his guard, never came within the circumference of where I could swing the shovel. He just stood there. A good man that I wouldn’t mind working for me if he wasn’t about to kill me. I couldn't get to him, but I could rush at him, maybe mark him for the rest of his life, remind him of me whenever he looked in the mirror.
“That's enough.” he told me. I took a deep breath, the cool air filled my lungs, and my only regret was Anna, not telling her I loved. Not knowing I loved her. But she would be fine. Safe.
I knelt down, but still held the shovel, Paulo started walking towards me, I gripped the shovel, ready to swing it as my last act, the shot rang out and splintered my shovel.
“You don’t need that anymore.” Paulo told me. And went over to Carlo and tried to kick him in the hole. “You push him in, I’ll cover him.”
“What?”
“Throw him in the hole and get out of it yourself, unless you want to stay there.”
I jumped out of the hole, he turned his back to me even though I still had the splintered shovel handle, but he just passed up his shot at me. “Why?”
“Because you were going to hit me with the shovel. I saw your knuckles white, I saw the look in your eyes. I never felt good about this one. I'm a soldier, so I follow orders but killing the Don don't sit right with me. They told me you weren't fit to lead, a pampered rich boy, but killing Carlo, and taking this like a man. I've seen better men than me beg and cry, but you didn't do any of that. I'm loyal to the family, and you're the family now. I know I might have just signed my death certificate, but it just didn't feel right.”
I absorbed what he said and had nothing to say to him. I moved over and rolled Carlo in with my foot. I must have jumped three feet when the gun went off again, but it was in Carlo again, not me.
“As for him, I never like the bastard.”
“Where's Anna?” I asked him, remembering for the first time.
“She's in the trunk of the car. That's why you dug a big hole. Carlo wasn't supposed to die here, but you were and so was she. They gave her something to knock her out, but she should be fine in there. I had a guy in that trunk two days and he was angry as hell at me when I let him out. It's a good trunk.”
I ran over and opened the trunk to see her, bound and gagged but breathing and sleeping or passed out, nestled between two big bags of lime.
I carried her out and she stretched and yawned and opened her eyes for a second, then went back to sleep. I kissed her forehead and held her.
I placed her in the backseat and Paulo was still near the hole. With the gun. I thought of driving off, I had everything I wanted, but went back in the brush slowly. He was shoveling dirt onto the hole with what was left of the shovel, and the gun was on the ground.
“If you kill me here, you'll have to dig another hole, with this,” he held up the half- shovel.
I grabbed the gun, and answered, “A really big one too.”
Anna slept in the backseat of the car while I drove us out of the electric red desert dawn.
Paulo sat next to me, “I don’t think your Uncle was involved in this at all, I think it was all Jackie.”
I had my thoughts on that too, but I couldn't be sure. Whoever was responsible was going to pay. My instincts said I could trust Paulo, but it was hard to trust anyone now, I had just missed dying that morning, and whoever was responsible was going to suffer for that, and make sure it didn't happen again.
“Why do you say that?”
“He's loyal. If nothing else loyalty is important to him.”
“So how's he going to take what you did?”
“I don't know, he won't like it, but at the same time, it was the right thing to do.”
I didn’t know if Paulo was telling the truth or not. I didn’t care. My men would find out once I got him back. He saved my life, but he couldn’t be trusted yet.
The only thing I did know was I was thankful I didn’t lose Anna. Even in the hole, I could face my own death knowing she was safe, believing that made me at peace with death.
But while I was here, I was vulnerable because of her. She was in danger because of me. Something had to be done so that I could focus on getting my house in order.
And making Jackie pay.
And my brother.
And my uncle.
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CHAPTER 21 - ANNA
I had no memory of what happened, or how long I was gone. I remember Appy shouting and rushing towards the men to hit them, and one of the men hitting her back, with a slap that sent a shiver up her spine and sent Appy to the ground and bleeding from her head. After that, I don't remember. I was hit and tied up and thrown in a car, but I can't remember anything else until I woke up in the backseat of a car with Marcus driving, and fell asleep again.
Now, there was a headache, a heavier fog than usual in my head, a grogginess that impacted my body as well as my head. Waking up, with Marcus next to me, like nothing ever happened, I couldn't be sure if this was a dream or the other part was, or both or neither.
I was glad to be here, I kissed him lightly on the chin, and was so thankful he was here and I was here. I must love him, I thought. There's no other explanation for it.
I was sure of it in every fiber of my being, and it felt like a weight off of me. My body had known it long before I did, but it was the truth, I couldn't argue with it anymore. Only saying it would be the hard part. That word was as heavy as a boulder sometimes.
His breathing sped up, and his hands moved from his sides to his stomach, then over to my thigh. This was how he woke up, though I had never watched it, his hands slowly searching for his own body, then for mine as sleep released him.
I kissed his lips and mouth, wanting to be the very first thing he saw in the world. He kissed back, and pulled me onto him before he even opened his eyes. They smiled at me, danced at me when they saw me, and he gave me a bear hug and moved his mouth away to groan and stretch.
"What was that for?" He asked.
"Nothing," I answered coyly. Too early to hurl my boulder at him.
"No fighting me off this morning?" He asked dreamily.
"You'll be fighting me off," I told him, and immediately regretted it when his eyes darkened, the laughter out of them.
"Why don't we eat first," he said, disappointingly, and moved to get up.
"Stay, I'll make it," any excuse to stay busy. I pulled the cast iron pan off the wall and set it on the wood stove. All this nervous energy that should have been released with him in the bed, had me going overboard on the cooking. Throwing the eggshells at the garbage and swinging my hips to the sound of the sizzle.
"Music?" he asked me, and went over to the record player.
"Something upbeat," I smiled at him. Something HAPPY, or else I was going to burst.
"Italians do tragedy a lot better than upbeat," he teased and thumbed through the records coolly.
Here is where I would usually say something cutting or sarcastic, but I let it go. He almost seemed surprised I didn't have something to say on that either, but he found a record and put it on silently, I waited for it. Perfect.
It was a swing from the 50's one of those guys whose voice swung and sounded exuberant. Backed by a jazz band that played happy upbeat melodies that you had to tap your foot to.
The scents were truly heavenly, there's that thing, flow or whatever, when you're feeling good and everything comes easy for you. Cooking came easy, music came easy, good mood came easy. I finished and brought the plates over to the table for him, he had made coffee already, and the sun coming up over the lake in front of us, I was going to burst.
"This is good, what's in it?" he asked.
"Eggs, it's a secret recipe," I teased. He laughed and went back to eating. My god, I wanted t
o jump on him and nibble his chin. And take him on the table. I thought I was going crazy I could barely contain myself, but I knew I had to. Our dynamic, was he was the aggressor and I fought him off, if I had to play the game to keep him interested, then I would. But I wanted him to make a move so badly.
My over eagerness seemed to turn him off earlier, in bed. And anyways I wanted him to be the aggressor, to take me on the table instead of the other way around. To be on me, over me, his weight on me, crushing me.
Something about him seemed down today though, like he was pre-occupied with something. “How is Appy?” I asked.
“She’s fine. Bump on the head but fine. How are you?”
Ready to burst. “I’m fine, I think. A little groggy, but unusually happy.”
“I see that.”
“I don’t want to pry, but are you going to tell me what happened? Why it happened?”
He stared at his food, and said lowly, “Later.”
This is again where I would usually pick a fight, pester him with questions, but ‘later’ was good enough. Everything could wait.
I finished and walked over to the bed, waiting for him to grab me. "Want to finish what we started this morning I asked him, as seductive as possible.
His face went dark, and he looked me in the eyes, there was a moment of hesitation, a brief one, "We need to talk Anna. There's no good way to say it, so I'll just say it.” He looked away.
He paused before he continued, that pause was a boulder. “You should leave. I'm done with you, you need to leave, today. I'm going out and I expect you to be gone when I get back. Gianni can take you wherever you want, he's driving Tess to Las Vegas today so she can leave as well."
"What?"
"This is the end." he said and walked out.
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CHAPTER 22 - ANNA
I tried to be cool and gather a steely resolve around me, I tried anger and I tried not caring, but none of it worked. Instead, I tried to do the dishes and pack my things through tears and snot and blubbering.
I didn't see him when I left the cabin with my bag, and I didn't look for him. Tess and Gianni and Bumpy and Appy were outside, a car had been allowed to be brought in the gates for us and we loaded in, "You can sit up front if you like," Tess offered.
"I'll be fine." Bumpy sat in the middle, strapped into her car seat and Appy was on the other side.
We drove for hours that seemed like forever. And finally I realized that I had no idea what would happen next. My life, my job, my apartment, all of it frozen in ether, waiting to be picked back up. Waiting for me to slide back into it, if I could fit.
"Where are we going?" I asked Gianni.
Tess turned around and spoke to me. "We're going to stay at a hotel in Vegas tonight,” she pointed to Bumpy and Appy, "the three of us have a flight the next morning, and so do you if you want. Or you can stay in the hotel. It's paid for however long you want I guess."
My bills, my apartment, my life in NY all right where I left it, unharmed, unchanged. Except for Tommy. I had no idea if I could slip back into my old life, but I didn't want to think about it too much either.
"I hope you come with us, if not tomorrow, then soon. I could use the help if nothing else."
"I would just feel like I was in the way." I told her.
"You wouldn't be. Gianni is staying, driving back tonight.
I sat in my hotel room and held the envelope Gianni had handed to me as he dropped us off and said his goodbye's to his family. I tried to turn it down, but he insisted, "Put it on red, hand it to a homeless man, I don't care. I was told to give it to you and I'm not leaving until you take it."
It was heavy and thick; I knew what it was without opening it. Money has a smell, and a weight to it. Crisp $100 bills have a certain feeling, even inside an envelope. But the money felt like something that should be left on a dresser, cab fare home. If I was hooker, at least I wasn't a cheap one. This could be limo fare if I wanted. I hadn't decided what to do yet, when there was a knock on my door, a soft rapping knock, Tess's knock.
"I hope I'm not bothering you," she said as she walked in.
"Of course not."
"I'm just real anxious right now. Gianni is on his way back, who knows how long he'll be gone. If there's a war it may be a long time. And I had to tell someone. I didn't tell Gianni because he has enough to worry about.”
She was babbling, “Tell me,” I told her.
“I'm late."
The way she said it, she let it drop like a stone, "Congratulations?" I asked her. Her face was twisted in anxiety, but she laughed and said, "Yes, I hope so, it's just. . . "
She was worried. Of course she was. That was a lot to go through alone, and with Gianni away and only imagination thinking of what he was doing. I was so stuck inside myself all day, I forgot other people have their lives and their worries and their pains. This was something I could do, much better than wallowing in my own self-pity.
I grabbed her hands in mine and looked her in the eye, "You need to know then, now. Want me to go get a test? I bet room service could get bring them up come to think of it."
"No, not room service, that will end up on the bill, and . . . "
"I understand." I told her. "Stay here, I'll be right back." I still had the envelope in my hand and walked out the door, closing it quietly behind me.
A man in a flashy suit was reading the paper in the chair in front of the elevator, and I clutched the envelope closer to me. He had a flashy pink shirt and twirled his cuff links as he read. Stupid to walk around with this sort of money. I took a $100 out of it and slid the rest in my pocket, maybe I would throw it all on red or hand it to some homeless person or the salvation army.
There was a drug store right next to the hotel on the strip, and I picked out two of every sort of test, including the store brand. You want to prepare for a pregnancy test like Noah's ark, two of every kind, just to be sure.
I never saw a Salvation Army kettle or a homeless person on the street and even though I had to walk through the casino floor to get back to the hotel, I never strayed close enough to a table to throw it down. I probably didn't have the balls to throw the money away like that anyway.
I walked out of the elevator and the man with the newspaper was no longer there, but had left three newspapers behind, so I grabbed one. Tess was still sitting on my bed, the TV on low, and she jumped up when I entered. "Ready to pee?" I asked, and fanned out all the tests I bought in hand.
"Not that much," she replied.
"It's good to have backups," I told her. I had been through this drill a few times with friends, you needed more than one test because that voice in your head wouldn't stop doubting the results of one, and waiting to go back to the drugstore was no fun. Waiting to pee again wasn't either, but at least you only had one job.
I grabbed one of those small plastic wrapped cups and sent her to the bathroom to fill it. I waited at the door like a Nurse, “The directions clearly say ‘do not stick up vagina’, that got a laugh, but peeing on command, especially with the anxiety is always tough.
I waited for her, and thumbed through the newspaper. The governor of Nevada had won, I thought of Tommy. That's good news for him if he was still around. I thumbed through the rest of the election results, New York Governor was re-elected with his new Lt. Governor. A Marletti a heartbeat away from the Gov seat. Michael always seemed like decent man, but still, if the voters knew what I knew, I don't think they would have voted for him.
Tess was taking a while, I spoke through the door, "Want me to make the sound of a waterfall or something?", she giggled nervously and came out.
"They’re on the sink, you check them for me."
"We have to wait 5 minutes anyways," I told her. "Drink some water, just in case we have to do it again."
She was an excellent patient, doing as she was told, docile. The tests came back, + + -. Shit.
"Ready to p
ee again?" I asked her, and told her they were inconclusive. Maddening.
"Shit," she said.
"It happens, that's why we got two of every kind."
"Take one with me, so we know if those ones are a bad batch."
That was not something I wanted to do, pee on a stick, but she looked at me with those puppy dog eyes that I couldn't say no too.
This time she got + + +, and I got +.
Fuck.
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CHAPTER 23 - ANNA
Five more tests confirmed it. I was pregnant.
It made my decision to go back with Tess and her family easier. She had been through it before, and was going through it again. I hopped on the plane with them and we were at her house in NJ that evening.
From her house, you could see the glow of New York across the river. My apartment, my life, all over there, a soft glow on the horizon.
The doubts about keeping the baby started almost immediately. But the doubts were small ones, and mostly concerned what Marcus would become and what that would do to a kid, a father who was a mob boss, no matter his good qualities, that was a major con.
But maybe he wouldn't have to know about it. Maybe I could keep it a secret. Maybe I would never see Marcus again and it wouldn't matter.
I made Tess promise not to tell Gianni or anyone until I had made up my mind. It was already made up for the most part. I didn't want to get rid of it. I wanted it, even though there were so many reasons against it. But I wanted it. Whatever problems, I could solve, I could figure them out. Tess was single mom before Gianni, if she could do it I could.
The drive into New York took more than an hour, even though the city could be seen in the windshield, getting there was the hard part.
Finally I parked the car in front of my building and went up to the apartment. I had a sense of dread for a moment when I opened the door, but everything was just as I had left it. It smelled unfamiliar, it smelled like someone coming inside on a really cold day. The absence of smell. I opened the windows and sprayed some air freshener.
