Road Trip: BBQ Delivered with Attitude (The Unbelievable Mr. Brownstone Book 20)

by Michael Anderle

  James roared in approval over the kill before charging up another attack. The officers all opened fire again, a near-constant stream of attacks pelting his halfway-repaired armor. He ignored the stings from the underlying partially healed wounds. Bright green sparks intensified across his blades. A moment later, another blast ripped from James and cut through the red officer.

  He barked mocking laughter. “I told you you had one shot, assholes. I hope somewhere in those little magical brains, you all understand you’re about to die. I didn’t even want to be here, and I’m taking it out on all of you.”

  James’ third blast erupted and struck the chest of the orange officer, but the beams bounced off at an angle like sunlight hitting a mirror and struck the ceiling. Rock and dirt showered down from above.

  Huh. Okay, that’s not gonna work, so we’re doing this a different way.

  He retracted one of the blades and sprinted toward the orange officer. The enemies continued their desperate firing. He stabbed and slashed, growling and snarling at the enemy construct, the blade sinking deeper with each attack.

  Individual offensive adaptation achieved, Whispy reported after his seventh thrust.

  James roared and plunged the blade into the energy heart of the officer. The large foe jerked and slumped to the ground, turning into smoke. The survivors, yellow, green, and blue, backed away from James toward the dais. They ceased fire.

  “Afraid?” He snorted. “You should be. I’m James Brownstone. The Granite Ghost. The Scourge of Harriken. I’ve fought everything from necromancers to nightmares haunting entire races, and I’m not gonna lose to the likes of you weak-ass fuckers.”

  Bright blinding light erupted from all three officers. James’ helmet filters allowed him to stare directly at them as the three officers walked into each other, their intensity increasing. The bodies melted together, twisting and flowing into each other over several seconds until the light vanished.

  They were gone, replaced by a six-legged, six-armed creature with three heads. Their different colors had been replaced by a dull ochre glow around the new monster’s face and arms. Glowing whip-like extensions grew from the arms.

  James glanced at the tunnel. Harper was gone. He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or surprised she had lasted as long as she had.

  Finally ran, huh? Whatever. I’m sure I can just blow this thing to hell once I’m done with Mr. Triple Threat here.

  The entire chamber shook violently for several seconds. The pyramids all dimmed; recharging, maybe. It didn’t matter. He figured without the Eye of Winter, he would just incinerate the core and the artifacts.

  The new monstrosity galloped toward James and pelted him with its whips. The first few blows cut deep, slicing through his armor like it wasn’t even there. He leapt out of reach, his teeth gritted, doing his best to ignore the pain.

  These fuckers really can adapt.

  Adaptation in progress, Whispy reported. Regeneration in progress. Waves of satisfaction and happiness radiated from the symbiont. Continue to engage and kill enemy.

  His enemy charged again, striking furiously with the whips. The blows stung, but this time, they didn’t strip off or cut through his armor. James sliced through two of them and the whips fell to the floor, writhing for a few seconds before adding to the low-lying smoke layer.

  High adaptation achieved, Whispy sent. Near maximum adaptation for attack-type approaching.

  This might be fun for you, but I’ve had enough.

  James stomped toward his opponent, his irritation building. He let out a long, low growl. “I was supposed to just be working at the restaurant and waiting for my new kid, you combo asshole.”

  The monster swung its remaining whips. James caught one with a clawed hand and sliced it off with his blade. The other two blows bounced off his nearly-regenerated armor.

  James snorted. “The only thing that was supposed to be challenged was my palate,” he bellowed. “By that fucking pineapple magic-cow steak! What the fuck was up with that, Nadina?” He jumped toward his opponent and severed the remaining whips. Two legs kicked at him, but he threw up his arm, absorbing the blow with ease. “Then some arrogant-ass tuxedo-wearing wizard decided he needed to fuck with me, and that meant I had to go to this fucking annoying pizza place and sign autographs.” He rushed forward and cut a leg off. “And then I had to go on a road trip with a vegan. A vegan!” He cut another leg off.

  His enemy turned and clawed at him, but the blows bounced off his armor. There was almost no pain this time, and the discomfort from before had faded.

  “And finally I had to go into this fucking maze-hole with all you assholes, who don’t even have the decency to be scared when I fuck you up, which means I have to waste time killing you over and over and over.” James removed the remaining legs with quick, precise cuts. He followed up by slicing off the arms. “And all of this required me to follow a manic-sociopathic pixie-girl around when I should be at home with my fucking wife, who is about to give birth!” He extended a second blade, then shoved his weapons into the center of the combined body and swung out with both hands, slicing what remained of the combined body in half.

  The pieces collapsed to the ground, slowly vaporizing into the acrid smoke clinging to half the chamber.

  “I am not a fucking superhero!” James roared. “I’m barely a bounty hunter anymore. I’m a damned pitmaster!” He growled and looked around for something else to kill. When no new soldiers, officers, or monsters appeared, he retracted his helmet and snorted. “And now I have to figure out how to shut this shit down by myself because Harper dragged my ass here and ran.”

  A shadow with no source moved on a nearby wall. He spun toward it, his eyes narrowed. “Buy a clue.”

  Harper winked into existence and waved. “Easy-peasy, right? Sorry. I just got a little freaked by the whole giant monster trying to kill me earlier thing, but that was a, like, grade-A ass-kicking. I would pay to see that kind of thing. Not lying.” She yanked the crystal chain off her neck. “And now it’s time to shut this bad boy down.” She sashayed over toward the dais, humming a jaunty tune that vaguely reminded him of the one he had heard at Amazing Dwayne’s. While it was obviously a different song when he thought about it, the reminder of his previous annoyance flooded into his mind. A sudden thought invaded it and colonized the space.

  “Wait,” James shouted. “Something doesn’t make sense,” he explained. “You’re just going to shut it off?”

  “Sure.” Harper shook the crystal. “Remember, I’ve got the Eye of Winter, and I know the song sequence.” She sang the last few words and danced a little.

  “Why does this thing even still exist?” James gestured around the chamber.

  “Huh? Is this like, ‘If a gnome farts in the woods and no one is there to hear him, does he make a sound?’”

  “Something just doesn’t feel right. It hasn’t for a while.”

  Harper stared at him, her smile slowly fading. “You didn’t just come here because your wife told you to, did you?”

  James shrugged. “This shit is dangerous. If I let it spread, I’d have to deal with it eventually. I’m taking care of the annoyance now.”

  “Because it might hurt a bunch of random people?” Harper replied, her face twisted in a grimace. “Come on. The US has nukes, and the PDA has all sorts of stuff. They could call the Oricerans and reach out to that Fixer guy. It’s not like they couldn’t have stopped this thing, but you came here and risked your life for people you don’t even know.” She jabbed at the air with her finger. “And this thing kept adapting to you. It could have killed you. Don’t tell me it couldn’t have. I saw it mess you up a bunch of times.”

  “It takes a lot to kill me. You’d be surprised. I was never worried. I was mostly just pissed.”

  “Why?” Harper threw up her hands. “Why do you even care? Do you know, when I showed up at your house, I expected you to say no. You were supposed to say no so I’d have an excuse to run!” She ruffled her h
air with both hands. “And then you said yes, and I didn’t have an excuse, so here I am, also risking my life in this hole.”

  “I’m not gonna apologize for helping clean up your mistake,” James rumbled.

  Harper rolled her eyes so hard it looked like she was having a seizure. “Do you think any of the people in the towns and cities you just helped save care? They will go about their days, probably not caring about you at all, if they even think about you. If they do hear about you, it’s just because you’re this famous guy they find cool. It’s not like they give a shit. No one does, and you’re risking your life for them? Why?”

  James stared at her. She looked away.

  “You’re risking your life for them too,” he observed. “You didn’t have to. You could have run. You didn’t have to come find me.”

  “It was my mistake,” Harper replied softly, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. “I’m not going to say it’s my responsibility. It’s ultimately the fault of the Oriceran assholes who made this thing and the Southguards, but…” She shook her fists. “It was never supposed to be in the middle of Texas. Damn it. I’m sure even the stupid Southguards aren’t evil enough to drop it just anywhere. They probably would keep it in a vault because they knew if they ever used it, the PDA would teleport in a nuke or something.” She sighed and lowered her head. “We don’t have a lot of time. You need to get going right now.” She lifted her head. “Before it’s too late. It’s my mistake, and I’ll handle it.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  James frowned. “I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m kind of pissed, tired, and all sorts of annoyed. I get that you’re trying to fuck me over, but I don’t get how. I’m a simple man. I love my wife, my kids, and barbeque. Break it down for me, Rabbit Girl. I’m trying to figure out if I should be grateful or if I should cut you in half. Right now, both seem reasonable.

  Recommend bisection, Whispy suggested.

  You always recommend whatever kills people, James thought back. Shut up for now. I’m having trouble concentrating.

  Harper let out a long sigh. “The disarming system does take down everything, including all the soldiers. That’s all true. But I did leave a few details out. The Eye of Winter isn’t just a key. It activates a total self-destruct.”

  “So? That’s a good thing. The world will be better off without this Seasons of Rage shit. No one needs a magical automated death factory.”

  “Here’s the trick, though. It’s not just the Eye of Winter you need to fully activate the self-destruct system.” Harper glanced at the dais. “They wanted this thing to be really hard to take down unless you were damned sure. The person with the Eye has to stick around for a certain period or it cancels the self-destruct. There’s a lag, you see. I don’t know how long it is, but everything I know says that it’s long enough that the created complex is going to collapse with the person still inside.” Her shoulders slumped. “I didn’t care before because I had a way to portal out, but I had to use it to get to LA, so I came up with a solution.” She pointed at James. “I needed a patsy, but I also needed someone to help me fight my way in. There is no song of activation. You just need someone to jam the stupid Eye of Winter in a slot on the dais. I lied about that so you wouldn’t have a reason to call the PDA and just hand it over to them, and then I figured I could convince you to stay here while it armed the system and I ran my ass to the surface and escaped. No prison, everyone’s saved, and I’m not dead.”

  James furrowed his brow, confusion nibbling at the budding anger. “You think I’m that easy to manipulate?”

  “Yes. I know what you see when you look at me. A wayward little lamb who needs the guidance of pseudo-Dad Brownstone, just like Alison did.” Harper kicked a pebble. “I’m not like your daughter, James. I told you before that I’m not a good person who missed out on childhood opportunities. I’m a selfish bitch who has to risk her life constantly just to feel like I’m alive. You’re right. I have no idea how many people I’ve hurt over the years since I figured if I wasn’t pulling the trigger, it wasn’t my fault. It was the only way I could sleep at night.”

  Kill the enemy, Whispy suggested.

  Sometimes the enemy’s hard to determine, James responded.

  No. Kill the enemy.

  James gestured at the dais. “Why are you telling me now? Is this another con? I’m not gonna stick around so you can run just because you told me the truth if that’s what you’re thinking. This isn’t one of those I-respect-your-bravery things. I have a wife, a kid, and another kid coming. I have too much to live for.”

  Harper shook her head, her peppy mask abandoned, replaced by glum reality. “Because I couldn’t do it. You sicken me.” She sneered. “And everything I’ve seen you do on our little road trip together has sickened me even more.”

  “Why is that?” James was more curious than annoyed, but it was hard to concentrate with Whispy insisting on her death every few seconds.

  “Because you make me feel bad about myself,” Harper shouted. She slapped her chest. “I’m supposed to be looking out for Number One.”

  “And how am I stopping you?”

  Harper threw her back and let out a hysterical laugh. “Do you understand what we’re in? It’s a death factory. Even with my dampening it, and it just starting to power up, it would have killed a lot of normal people, even on Oriceran. It adapts to its foes, but you were cutting through and blasting them to bits like they were made of paper. If they sent the Army in here in power armor, they would have taken heavy casualties, but here you are, unscathed.”

  James shrugged. “If I’d died on the way, your plan wouldn’t have worked anyway.”

  “Don’t you get it? You’re one of the toughest people on Earth, and now that I understand more about how your armor works, I’m even more convinced of that. And what do you do with all that power? You run a barbeque restaurant!” Harper groaned. “Who does that? That’s crazy! You’re crazy.”

  “I like barbeque,” he complained. “I know you don’t get that with your alien vegan mind, but a lot of people like barbeque. It’s tasty, and it makes people feel good. Not like your rabbit food.”

  “Forget the damned barbeque, James!” Harper shouted. “The point is, you could go somewhere and use your power. You could take over a country on Earth, or even a country on Oriceran. You defeated the queen of the Drow. You could become King of Brownstonia, and you haven’t. You’re cooking barbeque. Don’t you see why that’s infuriating?”

  Whispy had gone quiet, which allowed James to concentrate. Not that it helped.

  “No,” James replied. “I don’t get why that’s pissing you off so much. Why do you care if I don’t go around being a prick? It doesn’t affect you either way.”

  Harper closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s not like I’ve studied your life or anything, but you are pretty famous. I just kept thinking that as we spent time together, I’d see that you were just like me. That you were nothing more than a mercenary who got off on excitement and risking his life. Or even that you just really liked hurting people because you’re a sadist. But you’re not. I get it now. You want people to think that, but it’s not what you are, and it makes me question everything.”

  She held up the crystal. “Coming here. I said it was about limits, but it wasn’t. Not really. It was about saving my ass. If I let this thing get out of control, by the time the government got done cleaning it up, they’d investigate, and that investigation would lead to me someday, and I wouldn’t end up in prison. They’d execute me. It was always more about saving my butt than anything else.” She glared at him. “Why couldn’t you have been a mercenary bastard? It would have made it easier.”

  He shrugged. “Sorry. It’s hard to be a complete bastard when you’re married to someone like Shay and have a daughter like Alison. If I become too much of a fucker, they’d smack me around until I came back to my senses. Not to mention Father McCartney, Mack, and Trey…and Maria. And Tyler would get all smug. The last
thing I want to do is give him a reason to be smug.” He grunted. “It’s less annoying to not be a complete asshole. I’m all about keeping my life as simple as possible.”

  James considered some of what he had just said. It was true Shay and Alison gave him a fundamental reason to get up each day, but Father Thomas’ sacrifice so long ago had etched itself on his soul. At some level, he wondered if he’d also always felt in his heart that the deaths of his parents had saved him from being another mindless Vax sacrifice.

  “Damn you, James Brownstone.” Harper wiped away tears. “Get out of here.” She marched toward the dais. “For once in my self-absorbed life, I’ll do something for someone other than me.” She stopped in front of the dais. “You might be tough, James, but if you get buried by tons of rock and soil, even you might end up dead, or sitting in the ground for fifty years going nuts or something. Everyone says you have a pretty good memory. You can find your way back, right?”

  He nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s not a problem.”

  “Would a ten-minute head start be enough?” Harper asked.

  “Since I’ve still got my armor on, if I sprinted, yeah, that would do it.”

  Harper nodded at the tunnel. “Then get going. The longer you wait, the more chance reinforcements will show up. Beating down those six guardians seems to have reset the system somehow, but the light on the artifacts has been getting steadily brighter. So go.”

  Sorry, Shay. I’m about to do something you probably won’t like.

  “If you had your portal artifact from before, you could have escaped?” James asked. “You couldn’t have spared a day to go hit up a black-market contact for a new one?”

  “Because I had so much time to consider the situation.” Harper rolled her eyes like she was dealing with a frustrating younger brother. “You know one of the reasons I don’t use a lot of portal artifacts? It’s because I have all my dampening and nullification artifacts. Rings, my sweater, some papers in my pockets, and a few other things. The one I used before was calibrated in a particular way, so my other artifacts didn’t interfere with it. Even if I found another portal artifact, I would have to leave behind all my gear to escape with it, and there was no way I was going into an Oriceran death factory without my dampeners. Who cares? I don’t have one now anyway. So go, before I change my mind.”