Gentry had spoken to Carter for a while in the living room while Martha gathered Brooke’s belongings and packed her stuff. “Don’t you worry, dear. I’m sure you’ll feel much better when you climb into your own bed tonight and get a full night’s sleep.”
Martha knew the gist of how long Brooke had been with Carter, but she also knew how solid the relationship was and how much Brooke loved him. There was no hiding it. She winked when she pointed that fact out.
Brooke thanked her profusely and hugged her tight.
Brooke hadn’t spoken for a while when Carter pulled the truck in the driveway. And for a good reason. Her stomach was threatening revolt. She sat up slowly, let Carter help her out of the car and into the house, and then she shrugged him off and bolted for the guest bathroom in the hall because it was the closest.
Luckily she made it just in time. To her dismay and slight horror, Carter was behind her in an instant, holding her hair and stroking her back.
When she finished, setting her forehead against her arm, he released her. She listened to the water running and then a cool cloth landed on the back of her neck. “Sit up, baby. Let me wipe your face.”
She felt ridiculous having to be coddled like this, but not nearly as uncomfortable as she had in Martha’s home. Crazy?
Carter lifted her off the floor, cradled her in his arms, and made his way to the master bedroom. After setting her gently on the mattress, he removed her shoes and then helped her out of her jeans.
She should have felt at least a twinge of modesty again as he pulled her shirt over her head, took off her bra, and then tugged one of his T-shirts into place. Instead, she felt nothing but loved.
He helped her lie down, pulled the covers over her shoulders, and kissed her cheek. “Rest. I’m going to order some groceries for delivery. You have any requests?”
She shook her head. Nothing sounded good to her.
He kissed her again and padded from the room, leaving the door open. So damn thoughtful. If she needed him, she could call out his name easily.
If she hadn’t been so tired, she might have cried again, but she closed her eyes and fell asleep in minutes, relaxed. Home.
She had no idea how much time passed before she felt a hand on her shoulder, but her eyes shot open to find Carter leaning over her, brow furrowed. “You’ve been asleep for hours, baby. I was worried. You need to drink something. Can you sit up?” He cupped her arm to help her.
She struggled to sit, and suddenly felt incredibly thirsty. She drank the contents of the glass he handed her completely without stopping. Lemon-lime soda. Not too cold. Slightly flat. Perfect.
Taking a breath, she decided she might live.
“Feel better?”
“Yes. I think so.” Maybe she had simply needed sleep and Carter. Her bladder screamed for release, though. “I need to use the bathroom.” She waited for him to stand and give her space to swing her legs around, but when he didn’t budge, she lifted her gaze. “Carter? Can I get up?”
“Yeah.” He seemed reluctant, but then he stood slowly, held out a hand, and helped her to her feet. “You steady?”
“Yes. I can make it to the bathroom. I’m fine.” She took a step, but he was in her space, not budging.
He tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her face. “Humor me?”
She frowned. “About what? The bathroom? You want to hold my hand while I pee?” She shook her head. “No way. I’m fine. Much better. See?” She stood taller, gathering strength. He was not going to the toilet with her. She drew the line at that intimacy. Maybe after ten years with a man she could lighten up in that area, but not this soon.
His expression didn’t change. “I don’t mean about the bathroom. I’m sure you can pee alone. But I want you to do something.” He took her hand slowly and led her to the bathroom. When they got there, he grabbed a box off the counter and held it out.
She stared at it, confused. And then she read the words on the front and froze. She backed up a step, tugging her hand to free herself from him, but he held her tight.
“Don’t freak out,” he said calmly. “It’s not the end of the world. If it’s positive, we’ll deal with it. I love you. I’ll love every one of our kids. You might not have planned on having them this fast, but life throws curve balls.”
She stared at him as though he had two heads. He had. She was sure of it. She jerked her hand free and backed up. This couldn’t be happening.
She shook her head as she hit the wall at her back. “No. No no no.” She rubbed her temples with her fingers. No fucking way. She was not a cusser, but it was totally warranted in this case. At least in her head.
“Brooke, calm down,” he said as he approached slowly.
“Calm down?” Her voice pitched. “Calm down?” she shouted. “You think I might be pregnant, and you want me to calm down?” She was in shock. Without a doubt. She couldn’t fully process this development, and why hadn’t it occurred to her? She didn’t even have a fever. All she had was this never-ending nausea.
It made perfect sense, if the universe thought she was playing a joke.
Carter was in her space now, but he didn’t touch her, thank God. She didn’t think she could handle touching him at that moment. “When was your last period?”
She rubbed her forehead. “I don’t know. I’ve never been regular.” Fear gripped her stomach, threatening to revolt again.
“Look, it’s unlikely. It’s only been a few weeks since we were together. I don’t think women get morning sickness this early. But it’s a possibility. Let’s just make sure. We’ll handle it no matter what the results are. Together, baby.”
“Handle it? A baby? Are you insane? I can’t have a baby,” she screamed, crossing her arms as a shudder wracked her body. No fucking way, she repeated in her head.
“Why not?” He was smiling. “They’re cute. I want some. It’s not like we’re too young.”
She shook her head, fighting renewed nausea, though she couldn’t know the cause this time. “You’re not too young. But I am. I’m only twenty-two, and besides, I’m not having kids. Ever.”
He flinched. “That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”
“No. Don’t tell me how to feel. I never want to have kids.”
“Why not?” The concern on his face was palpable.
Perhaps she should have mentioned this fact sooner, before she came home with him and essentially agreed to move in with him. But, Lord, they hadn’t known each other long enough to have had such a serious discussion. “I’m not fit to be a mother. I come from bad blood. I’m broken. I can’t raise a child, Carter. That’s insane.” She was trembling now. Freaked out like never before. She would rather die of kidney failure than pee again in her life.
And that was a real possibility if she didn’t empty her bladder soon. But she sure wasn’t going to pee on that stick. In fact, she slapped the box out of his hand, sending it skidding across the floor.
When he stepped closer, she looked away. But he took her hands in his, pressed them to the wall at her sides, and flattened his chest against her. “Okay, I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m not going to try right now. Let’s make a deal. You pee on the test strip and leave it in the bathroom. Then we go in the family room and talk. It won’t change anything.”
She started to cry, unable to stop not just tears but actual ugly sobbing. “How did this happen?” she asked rhetorically.
He slid his hands up her sides, cupped her head, and pressed her cheek against his chest. “We had sex. We didn’t use protection.”
“We had sex two times,” she told his chest.
“And we didn’t use a condom that second time. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. It’s no excuse. I should have protected you. I accept responsibility. But it’s done now. And we need to know one way or the other.”
She flattened her fists on his chest. “It’s not fair. I’ve only had sex two times in my life. I can’t be pregnant.”
He k
issed the top of her head. “No matter what, we’ll handle it. Together. I love you.”
She tipped her head back and looked at him. “I love you too, but I’m not having kids.”
He looked concerned, but he released her, grabbed the box from the floor, and ripped it open.
She flinched several times as she waited. And then he held out the stupid test. “Pee on this part. Set it on the back of the toilet. Then we’ll go sit in the family room.”
“I’m gonna need to do tequila shots. I hope you have some,” she muttered as she took the test from him in two fingers as if it would give her a disease.
“You like tequila?” he asked.
“No idea. Never tried it. I’m just guessing it might come in handy.”
He was still laughing as she shut the bathroom door. As badly as she needed to pee, it took a few minutes to calm down enough to convince her bladder to focus. And then it took a few minutes to have the guts to leave the bathroom and face Carter the Optimist again. How could he be so calm?
He was leaning against the counter, arms crossed, face worried. “Okay?”
She nodded, looking in the mirror as she washed her hands. She might have looked like death before this new development, but now she was literally green.
He led her to the family room, sat in the corner of the couch, and pulled her back against his front. For a while, he simply held her, one arm under her chest, one hand stroking her arm. “It’s going to be okay, baby,” he finally said.
“Not even close.”
“You’re not your mother,” he hedged.
She winced. “And my grandfather? It’s obviously hereditary. Abuse must run in the family. I don’t ever want to be in a position to injure a child, Carter. You shouldn’t want to take that risk either.”
“It isn’t in your genes, baby. It’s learned behavior. Yes, some people repeat the mistakes of their parents because they don’t know any different, but not always. And you’ll have help. You’ll have me. You’ll get therapy. You’ll learn to cope with what happened to you. You’re way too kind to ever hurt anyone, baby. I know it.”
She shook her head and dug her feet in. “It’s not that simple. It scares me to death. I would always be nervous around a child, afraid. You would worry all the time too, wondering if you could really leave me alone with a baby. Wondering if you could trust me not to lose my temper. It would destroy us. I won’t do it.”
“You might not have a choice,” he calmly pointed out.
She stiffened and jerked to get away from him.
He held her tight, clutching her to his chest with the arm under her breasts. “Brooke, stop.”
“No.” She struggled. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do with my body. I’m not having a kid, Carter. Ever. Not today and not next year. I can’t.” She tugged, but he was stronger than her.
When she reached back to swing at him with her arm, he grabbed her wrist mid-air and pulled it down to her side. He held it with the arm across her chest and grabbed the other one right before she managed to take an awkward swing at his chin.
He even threw a leg over both of hers. And then he kissed her neck. “Calm down.”
“No,” she screamed, furious with him for being so calm and so…big.
“Brooke.” His voice was filled with a familiar tone this time. Commanding. It stopped her in her tracks.
No. Not now. Don’t let him dominate you right now. She squirmed, ignoring his tone, fighting for freedom.
He picked her up and manhandled her until she was on her knees between his legs.
Immediately she stopped struggling. It was indescribable how that simple move changed her. It frustrated her and pissed her off, but she stopped fighting and tipped her head to the floor.
“Clasp your hands behind you,” he demanded. “Now, Brooke.”
She obeyed him instantly, shivering as if she were cold.
“Shoulders back.”
She straightened her spine. Surreal after her struggle. Part of her was furious with him for his ability to dominate her so thoroughly.
He set a hand on her head and stroked her hair. “Good girl. Deep breaths.”
She inhaled slowly and exhaled just as long.
“Again.”
She repeated the process, shocked to find her heart rate relaxing. Some of her insanity left her body.
“That’s my girl.” He soothed with his words, while his hands stroked up and down her bare arms. She was still wearing nothing but his T-shirt. “Now, I want you to listen to me without interrupting. When I’m done, you may speak.”
“Okay.” She would at least give him that. He deserved it.
“First of all, I never meant to imply I would stop you from controlling your body. If you truly didn’t want to have a baby right now, I would let you terminate it. I wouldn’t like it, but I would get over myself. I would even take you and hold your hand, so let that concern go.”
Her shoulders relaxed.
“Second of all, you’re wrong about your strength. You’re the strongest woman I have ever met. It takes an incredibly strong woman to be submissive. And you are so very submissive when I take control.”
She knew that was the truth. It scared her to death. Would she be this way with other Doms? She would never know. Right?
He stroked the skin at her neck and shoulder. “I know it’s scary, this deep submission you have. It scares the hell out of me sometimes too. But luckily I’m trained and I know my weaknesses. I know how to recognize when you need to submit, and I know how to ensure you’re safe during those times.
“I’m also clear you need something from me I’ve been uncomfortable with, and I’m working on it. I’ve been talking to Lincoln. He’s an amazing sadist. He’s helped me realize I can give you what you need. Lincoln and Rowen both agreed to work with us to get me to understand your needs and help make sure I can take care of those needs without harming you emotionally.”
She swayed toward him. He would do that for her?
“Meanwhile, we’ll get a counselor to help you deal with your past. You’re strong. I know you can do it. Lincoln knows several in the area who are trained to work with people in the lifestyle. We’ll try a few until you find someone you like.”
She pursed her lips. How did she get so lucky?
He cupped her cheek and tipped her face back. “Look at me.”
She obeyed him, unable to stop herself.
“We need a game plan. A loose, temporary one. We need to go look at that test, and we need to face reality and deal with it. No decisions need to be made tonight. But we can’t even face those choices without all the facts.”
She nodded. “Okay.” She felt stronger now. He did this to her. Empowered her when she needed it. Perhaps their arrangement was unconventional, but it worked for them. It worked for her. He seemed to be on board. “But not yet. Give me a few more minutes.”
He nodded, smiling.
A few more minutes of ignorance before you turn my world upside-down. What if she was pregnant? Was he right? Could she handle a baby? She trembled at the thought. It had never occurred to her she’d ever be in a position to make this decision. She hadn’t imagined even having sex or going on a date before a few weeks ago, so pondering the concept of kids had not been in the forefront of her mind.
If the test showed she was pregnant, could she terminate it?
She tipped her head back down, not wanting him to watch her display of emotions.
He seemed to understand, and pulled her forward so her cheek rested on his inner thigh, his hand threaded in her hair.
The idea of getting an abortion brought bile to her throat. She didn’t think she could go through with it. It wasn’t the baby’s fault she’d been so consumed with the selfish desire to fuck that she’d forgotten to take precautions.
So, no. Abortion was not an option. Not for her.
What about adoption? She considered that for a moment. But the thought of spending nine months carrying a child tha
t also belonged to Carter while he watched made her realize she would never be able to go through with it.
Images of the two of them leaning over a crib and smiling down at a sleeping infant filled her heart with something uninvited. Love. Unconditional love.
No matter what, she wasn’t ready to be a mom. She had so many things to do. She wanted to get her GED. Maybe she really could go to college or at least get a job. She had only begun to ponder her future a few weeks ago. Being pregnant at this stage in her life would change everything once again.
And then, as she sat there thinking through all the what-ifs, the answer to the biggest question became clear. She didn’t need to worry about continuing the cycle of abuse from her mother. She would never hurt another living being. She didn’t have it in her. She wouldn’t even spank her own child. Ironic since she liked Carter to spank her. Before she could stop herself, she asked him the question on the tip of her tongue. “How do people in the lifestyle raise kids and continue to practice BDSM?” She blinked, tipping her face toward him.
He smiled. “They manage.” He stroked her hair. “They get creative. Lock the bedroom door. Make lunch plans while kids are at school. Get a sitter when they want to go to the club. Lots of ways.” He looked less concerned, his shoulders relaxing, and she realized the implications of her question.
She glanced back at his lap, gathering her thoughts. So many of them running amok in her mind. Loose strings of concepts normal women would have considered. But she was not normal.
“We’re going to be fine, Brooke,” he promised, gently nudging her to face him again.
She needed to know something before they looked at the test. “Would you stay with me if I never wanted to have kids?”
“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate. “I mean, I’d like kids, but it’s not as important to me as you are. If it meant that much to you, I’d live a long and happy life by your side without sticky fingers, dirty diapers, and college tuition payments.”
She thought she might cry, again. “What if I want to go to college?” she joked.
“Except yours. That’s already in the budget, though.”
She widened her eyes. “What?”
Collaring Brooke (Club Zodiac Book 3) Page 24
