It was probably just as well his dad’s face had gotten so red. That way, when the blood drained from his cheeks, it left him looking normal instead of ashen. “Josh, don’t. It’s not about that.”
“I know.” He sighed. “But it’s enough of it. My heart’s not in it. I don’t know if it ever was.”
For a minute, his father didn’t respond except to lean back into his seat, hand over his eyes. “So that’s it? You’ve made your decision?”
“I have.”
He moved his hand and peered at Josh with eyes that looked even older and more exhausted. “And do you have a plan for what you intend to do instead?”
Josh’s pulse picked up again. “I do, actually.”
His dad pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please tell me it doesn’t involve traipsing around Europe or some other such nonsense.”
As tempting as that was, Josh shook his head. “No.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out the packet of letters. He peeled the top one off and held his breath as he handed it over.
His dad didn’t speak as he read. Josh sat there, ready to go out of his skin as he waited, until finally his dad lifted his eyes. “Chemistry?”
“Yup.”
His brows furrowed slightly, but otherwise, his expression was maddeningly neutral. “You’re going to use your degree.”
“That’s the plan.”
“And this is…” he looked down at the paper and then at Josh, “…a doctoral program. So you’ll still be a doctor at the end of it.”
“Well, a professor, if things work out right.”
For a long, long moment, his father studied him. Finally, one side of his mouth twisted up into a smile. “And how long, precisely, have you been defecating in your pants, worrying about telling me this?”
Josh’s whole body deflated as relief seeped in. “A while. Like, months.”
His dad chuckled and palmed the back of his neck. “And what, exactly, did you think I would do?”
“I don’t know. If you let me live, disinheritance, maybe?”
A more serious expression crept across his father’s face. “Of course you don’t have to be a doctor, Josh.”
“But you—”
“I live my own life. And I saw your gifts. It’s a wonderful career. One I think you would have been outstanding at. But my dreams…” His eyes darkened, but he shook it off, smiling more weakly, but still smiling. “My dreams are my own. And yours are yours.”
Josh let out a hard exhale and dropped his head. “That’s what Ellen told me you’d say.”
“Did she have something to do with this?”
“No. And yes. She helped me work up the courage to tell you, and not to drag my heels on it.”
“Ah. So that’s what all that was about at dinner.”
“Yeah. We had a long talk about that after.”
His father stared off across the water. “A woman who pushes you to follow your own dreams is quite a woman.”
“Ellen’s that and more.” Josh paused, letting his own gaze drift. “She’s not really a waitress, you know.”
His dad raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“Well, she is,” Josh admitted. “But she’s also a student. She’s in half my classes.”
That eyebrow rose higher. “But you needed us to pretend you didn’t go there.”
Josh waved his hand dismissively. “It’s a long story. Anyway, she’s pre-med, too.” He paused. “I can’t say that anymore, can I? That I’m pre-med?” He shook his head at himself. “Anyway, she is pre-med. And I think she’s going to med school in Boston.”
His dad tapped the re-folded letter against his knee. “That makes MIT pretty convenient.”
“Very.”
“You’re serious about her, then?”
Josh just nodded. It was too complicated to go into all the ins and outs or to voice his still-lingering fears.
After telling his dad the truth, he was itching to tell her, too. And he was starting to think her promise that it wouldn’t matter might just be real, after all.
His dad laughed. “Your mom thought so.”
“She’s perceptive.”
After a second’s hesitation, his dad added, “She thought you might not be so keen on Harvard Med, either.”
“Really?”
“Yup. Has been begging me to tone it down for months now.” He smirked. “I told her if you didn’t like it, you’d tell me so yourself. Just took you a little longer than I thought it would.” He passed the letter back over. “You’ve got to be yourself, Josh. Stand up for what you want. Live your own life. Give the people in it the chance to surprise you.”
Josh’s face grew warm. “I know.”
“We love you, no matter what. And we’re so proud of you. You know that too, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” Josh met his father’s eyes and saw the truth there, the fire in his gaze. “Yeah, I do.”
Deep down, he’d known his parents’ feelings wouldn’t change. He just had to trust in it.
Now he just had to trust in Ellen, too.
Ellen stood just beyond the security line at the airport, a sign in her hand and a smile on her face. Strictly speaking, neither was necessary. The airport in this town was one big swath of asphalt with seven “gates” all leading out onto the same tarmac, and she was one of maybe a dozen people waiting. Her friends would have a hard time not finding her. But it had been too much fun making the sign with all of their last names, and the distraction had helped.
As for the smile, her friends probably expected her to be mopey and resentful. Considering they’d abandoned her for the Caribbean for the week, they wouldn’t begrudge her a frown. She was glad to have them back, though. And their return wasn’t the only thing she had to be happy about.
She’d tried not to dwell too much on Josh or their week together. She’d tried not to get her hopes up. But it was impossible. With the air a little clearer between them, his promise to return to her soon still bright in her heart, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him all night—about how he’d looked at her and touched her and taught her how to let herself be touched. And more, she’d thought about how he’d made her feel. Beautiful and capable and strong. Like she could tell him anything. Like she could be herself.
Like she liked herself.
Motion behind the security line drew her thoughts back to the present. She rose up onto tiptoes, craning her neck. Finally, three oh-so-welcome faces emerged, and Ellen’s smile grew even wider. She lifted her sign up overhead and could tell the instant her friends spotted it. One of them pointed, and then as a unit they squealed and picked up their pace.
Ellen bounced as she waited for them to make it past the TSA agents. As soon as they were clear, she threw herself at Nicole and then Maria. “You’re all so tan! Did you have an amazing time?”
“The best.” Her friend Carly held up a bag before hugging her, too. “We brought you stuff.”
Old Ellen would have demurred and said they didn’t have to. New Ellen rubbed her hands together. “Awesome.”
As a unit, they made their way to the baggage claim. As they waited for the creaky carousel to jolt to life, they regaled her about beaches and margaritas and cabana boys. More than once, when any one of them got too excited, another would give a scolding look, and then all three would glance at Ellen sympathetically. Ellen waved them off. “Please. I want every detail.”
She did, too. And she was itching to give them every single one of her own.
Three hours later, Ellen sat on the floor of her apartment, her second glass of wine in her hand, eyes on the TV. One of the girls had hooked her camera up to it, and they’d been showing her their vacation photos. At long last, the image of a beautiful beach and smiling faces faded to black.
“Is that it?” Ellen asked.
Maria frowned. “I guess so.”
“About time.” Carly spread her legs out in front of her. “I can’t believe you took seven hundred pictures.”
&
nbsp; The other girl shrugged. “It’s digital.”
“Still.”
Ellen shook her head at them both. “Well, it was all beautiful. I’m so glad you had such an amazing time.”
“Start saving up now,” Nicole said. “Next year you’re coming with us.”
Snorting, Ellen took a long sip of her wine. “We’ll see. Do they even have spring break in med school?”
“They damn well better, or I’m not going.”
“Sure.” Ellen rolled her eyes and reached for the remote to turn off the TV.
Carly nudged her. “Anyway, enough about our week. How are you?”
A sneaky smile crept across Ellen’s face. “Good. Really good.”
Cocking one eyebrow, Carly studied her for a beat too long. “Yeah, you are. You seem…different.”
Ellen felt different. She’d dressed like someone who wasn’t afraid of attention, and she could tell she was sitting up straighter and speaking more. It still took effort to choose to stand out, but it was getting easier all the time.
Hope warmed her. If she could carry this part of herself into her interactions with her friends, maybe she could carry it with her everywhere.
“What can I say? A week off from classes did me good.”
Carly narrowed her eyes. “That’s not all, though.”
“No.” Ellen’s face felt fit to burst with the force of her smile. “It’s not.”
With that, she set her glass down and sat forward. She told them everything, from how she’d decided to be more assertive this week to how she’d picked up a random guy in a bar.
“You didn’t!” Nicole smacked her hand against the coffee table. “You never hook up!”
“I know.” Ellen’s face warmed, but she refused to be embarrassed. “But I did. And it was amazing.”
“Damn, girl.”
Carly kept her skeptical expression. “That’s not the whole story, though, is it?”
“Not exactly. We spent the whole week together.” She went into what she normally would have considered far too much detail, but it wasn’t anything the other girls would have hesitated to tell her about one of their conquests. None of them blinked an eye, either. Rather, they asked for more.
“One top of a building?” Maria asked. “Wasn’t it cold?”
Ellen couldn’t stop her cheeks from heating, but she could keep the rest of her reaction tempered, her tone heavy with insinuation. “I didn’t notice. He kept me plenty warm.”
The only parts of the week she did censor were the ones about his refusal to tell her where he went to school. His continued silence on that subject still rubbed her the wrong way, but the more she thought about it, the more it gave her reason to hope.
He was coming back “soon”. In a few days, he’d said, even. But he had classes starting on Monday, he’d told her.
And there were still things that didn’t quite sit right. Who kept their childhood bedroom so…lived in when they were seniors in college? Who came home for spring break and then didn’t spend any actual time with their parents?
Carly was the one to broach the elephant in the room. “So, when are you going to see him again?”
“I’m not sure exactly.” Ellen’s voice shook just a little, her uncertainty warring with her growing hope. “He’s on some camping trip with his father this weekend, but we’re supposed to talk when he gets back.”
“But he knows you want more? And he said he does, too?”
Ellen nodded, her chest tight. She wanted so much more. So much. Talking about it just made that all the more clear.
Nicole broke in. “So let’s see this hottie. You have a picture, right?”
“Yeah.” Reaching for her phone, she felt a little nervous bubble rise through her chest. She unlocked the screen and opened up the gallery, scrolling until those bright green eyes were staring back at her. “Here you go.”
Nicole whistled and murmured, “Nice,” before passing it along. Carly made a similar noise of approval. Maria, on the other hand, stopped cold.
Ellen watched her expression warily. “What?”
Darting her gaze up, Maria frowned. “You could have just told us you were dating Josh Markley.”
For a second, Ellen couldn’t breathe. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that looks like him, right?” She passed the phone around to the others.
Nicole squinted. “Oh yeah. Though…there’s something different about him.” She snapped her fingers. “His glasses! He’s not wearing his glasses.”
“Wait wait wait.” Ellen rubbed her temples. “You guys know Josh?”
Carly alone looked unsure. “He looks familiar, maybe?”
“I’m not sure you’ve had any classes with him. But he’s in our year. Pre-med. Hangs out with the guys.” Maria rattled off some other names. “Sort of quiet, but really intense looking. I’m pretty sure he’s in our anatomy lecture, Ellen.” Her frown deepened. “Are you trying to say you didn’t recognize him?”
Ellen still wasn’t quite pulling in the air she needed. Her head swam.
Josh went to school with her. He was even in the same class.
Oh, God. Josh probably knew her. That’s how he knew her secret.
“Ellen? Earth to Ellen.” Nicole was waving her hand in front of Ellen’s face.
“What? Huh?” Ellen shook her head to clear it. She met the confused gazes of each of her friends. Then that of the man in the picture.
“I never meant to lie to you,” he’d echoed back to her.
And she’d told him it didn’t matter.
Did it?
With her mind still reeling, Ellen forced a smile. “No, I guess I didn’t realize that was him.”
“Oh, wow.” Nicole settled deeper into the couch, chuckling to herself. “Leave it to you, Ellen.”
Carly looked at Ellen with concern. “Are you all right?”
Was she?
Ellen fought for calm as she sucked in a few deep breaths.
She’d been so all right earlier in the day. Hell, she should be even better now. Josh was coming back to her. He wasn’t leaving for some distant college somewhere else. This was exactly what she’d been hoping for earlier.
But he’d hid it from her.
Should she feel betrayed? Upset?
Or just…relieved?
Ellen gave Carly a reassuring smile, trying to tell her she was fine, even though in that moment she had no idea if she was or not. As the conversation flowed around her, she leaned back and stared off into space, trying to think. To react.
But it was all just a jumble.
Just then, her phone vibrated, skittering across the tabletop. Ellen reached for it and slid her thumb across the screen.
Josh’s picture stared back at her. Underneath it was a message:
Just got back. Survived the woods. :) Can I see you tomorrow?
Ellen’s heart stuttered in her chest. She stared at the message, reading it again and again and again.
She still didn’t quite know how she felt. But she knew she certainly wasn’t going to let him go. Not like this.
With shaking hands, she replied with a simple,
Yes.
Then she thought again. Slowly, she typed out,
And I know, too.
Chapter Ten
Monday
Josh didn’t know when he’d ever been so nervous.
Actually, that was a lie. He did. The day before, when he’d told his dad about his plans for after graduation, he’d had the same sweaty-shaky feeling, borne from putting himself out there and not knowing what would happen. The stakes had been different then, though. Sure, his father could have screamed or been disappointed. He could have cut him off financially or even kicked him out of the house. But they were family. He wasn’t going to have to give up on his dreams or have to lose his parents as part of his life. Not permanently.
He wished he could be so sure about Ellen.
He parked his bike in the same place as always, i
n one of the motorcycle-only spaces across from the lecture halls. As he dismounted, he readjusted his backpack on his shoulders and gazed across the road. From here, he could see the little square and the fountain. His gaze homed in on the lone figure sitting there, perched on top of the brick ledge surrounding it, waiting for him.
God, she looked good. Even from a distance, though, she looked different—more like the Ellen of the previous week than the one he’d watched from afar for so long.
She wasn’t the only one blending personas today. Josh reached up and pushed his glasses higher on his nose, rifled his fingers through his hair. His date clothes were gone, traded in for his typical jeans and a sweater. Well, maybe a little nicer of a sweater than usual.
When she’d replied to his message the night before, telling him she knew, he’d gone cold all over. Unable to read her tone, he’d been left adrift, uncertain what she could possibly be thinking. He hadn’t had any doubt about her meaning, though. The charade was over.
Honestly, it was a miracle it had lasted as long as it had. She’d never told him her last name, but he’d given her his. She could have looked him up online, or even offhandedly mentioned him to a mutual acquaintance from one of their classes. However it had gone down, the jig was up.
Heart in his throat, he’d typed back, simply,
And…?
She’d given him a time and a place to meet her. This time. This place. And then he’d sat in restless anxiety for the rest of the night.
As he crossed the road to her, he reflected on the irony of her picking this fountain as their meeting spot. How many times had he fantasized about walking up to her and sitting down? Introducing himself. Maybe even flirting.
Now he was going there to hear his sentence—to find out if she’d really meant what she’d said about the truth not mattering. If the way she felt about him was anything like how he felt for her.
For a second, he wondered what it would have been like if they had started like that. If instead of games and half-truths, he’d just gone up to her, ages ago, and gone for what he wanted. He wondered if it was too late.
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