"You just what Sarah?" He's upset now, glaring down at me as he moves away, putting more space between us. This reaction is so not what I expected. Well, okay, maybe it is a little. I knew he'd be upset, but I did plan on telling him. I just wanted to wait until I knew for sure that we were going to be together. I didn't want him to want me just because of a child. I don't know how to tell him that without making things worse. "Sarah Elizabeth," Jeremy starts, his voice tense. I cringe at the use of my full middle name; it feels more like a scolding from a parent than the guy I'm having a baby with.
"Fine!" I huff, knowing I'm going to have to just tell him. "I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would feel like you had to be with me. I didn't want to force you into it." Looking up at him, I can see the look in his eyes soften, going from anger to something that looks more like understanding. My voice is small and unsure when I tell him, "I wanted you to want to be with me. I wanted us to be together because you love me, not because we're having a child together. I'm sorry."
I wait for him to speak, but he doesn't. He just continues to look at me until I want to beg him to tell me what he's thinking. Finally, he exhales and says, "I can't believe you didn't tell me. SarahBeth, keeping secrets hasn't worked for us in the past. We can't have any kind of relationship if we're going to hide things from each other. I know you're scared, and I get why you kept it from me, but we can't keep repeating this crazy cycle."
We've gone about everything so wrong. Every time we try to get things right, we just mess it up more. "I'm sorry Jer. I'm really, really sorry."
"Come here, Little Bit," He says, pulling me back into his embrace, hugging me gently, like I'm so fragile I'll break if he's too rough. "I think we've both been sorry enough for one night, don't you?" I nod, my face pressed against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. Tonight's been so stressful, between the eating, the making out, the fighting, and the confession, and it doesn't take long for his heartbeat to lull me to sleep. The last thing I feel is his chin resting on the top of my head.
Jeremy
She's sleeping so peacefully I can't bring myself to wake her. After crying herself to sleep in my arms, there was no way I was letting her leave me. As soon as I slipped into bed beside her, she curled into my side, her hand resting on my chest. It was the best night sleep I've had in two months, and it brought home just how fucking stupid I was to think I could leave her.
In the light of day, all of my concerns come rushing back. Last night was all about her, making sure she understood that I want her, that I want her with or without a baby. But today? Today all I can think about is my own failings. How can I possibly be a good father when I have no experience to base it off of? It's not like I had a father myself, and Henry was pretty fucking useless. He tolerated having me around, but he was never really there. Even David and SarahBeth's father wasn't a great role model. Yeah, he loved them both, but he was a hard man. He wasn't very affectionate, and he was more likely to criticize than praise.
Unable to spend any more time lying in bed next to her, not with all the shit going through my mind, I disentangle myself as gently as I can and get out of bed. Her small hand instantly searches for me, but she calms quickly, curling into a small ball in the middle of my bed. I stand beside it, watching her for a few minutes, unable to believe she's here, that after everything, all the crappy things I've done and the shit way I've treated her recently, she's able to forgive me. I'll never be able to make any of this up to her, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying to.
After a quick shower, I text David to let him know that I'm keeping her here with me for the day before calling my own employer to move things around, ensuring I can spend today taking care of her, talking everything out and making sure she understands I'm not going anywhere. After making my phone calls and drinking enough coffee to fully wake me up, I head back to the bedroom to find SarahBeth walking out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but the t-shirt I put on her after she fell asleep. She's still rumpled from sleep as I watch her pull the neck of the shirt up to her nose, closing her eyes and inhaling a deep breath as she does. She jumps when I chuckle, looking up at me, her cheeks turning pink as I walk over to her.
"Morning Little Bit," I say, leaning over to kiss her cheek before pulling her into a hug. She's stiff, not immediately hugging me back, but finally she looks up at me, confusion written all over her face as I smile down at her. "You cried yourself to sleep so I brought you in here and put you to bed. I also let your brother know you weren't coming home and why."
She looks away, the pink in her cheeks deepening, and I know she's embarrassed, probably wondering how I feel about things this morning. Wanting to reassure her, I lead her over to the bed, sitting so I'm leaning up against the headboard and pulling her down to curl up beside me. It's the way we always used to sit on my bed, back before everything went to hell, and I'm hoping it will comfort her, even just a little. Neither of us speaks at first, but I know I need to let her know that while I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, my feelings from last night haven't changed. I want her, and this baby...and I'm not letting either of them go.
I place my free hand on her stomach, marveling over how it's still flat, but knowing that inside her is a soon to be little person, one that will hopefully look just like her, tying us together forever. Wanting to avoid her eyes, eyes that see everything I try to keep hidden, I ask, "Do you think I'll be a good father?"
"What? Of course I do!" She moves so that she's on her knees beside me, putting her hand on the side of my face and forcing me to look at her, "Jer, this baby is going to be so lucky to have you as its daddy." How can she possibly believe that? I have no idea what I'm doing here, I'm so fucking lost, and feeling like I have no control over any of this. "You being a good parent is not something I'll ever have to worry about," she reassures me. "You've been there for me since I was little and I know you'll be there for our child."
I look away, not wanting to see her face when I ask, "How can you be so sure? Hell, Sarah, I don't even know who my father is..." I have to stop when my voice breaks, closing my eyes in an attempt to compose myself. "And don't get me started on Henry. I have no idea what I'm doing. You and this baby, " I trace her stomach with a finger, feeling her shiver. "Deserve better than a guy who has no real family, no basis for a normal parent/child relationship."
"That's bullshit!" Her vehemence shocks me, bringing my eyes back to hers, but before I can scold her for her language, she continues, "We are in this together Jeremy. I don't know what I'm doing either, but we'll learn together." She grabs my hand, placing it palm down against her stomach, lacing our hands together. "This baby is ours. How could it be anything but loved? Our child will never have to worry whether or not she matters to you."
Her confidence in me amazes me. Hearing her call the baby a "she", I smile, a small one, but still a smile. "She?" I ask teasingly.
"Well, I can't call the baby it for the next couple of months," she huffs, trying to seem angry, but the grin on her own face gives her away. Laughing at how fucking adorable she is when she tries to pout, I sit up straighter, kissing her lips softly.
Between the talk last night, and the heaviness of this mornings conversation, I want to distract us both. It's also a little bit selfish, because I haven't been able to touch her in close to two months. The way she's sitting makes it easy for me to wrap my hand around the back of her neck, tangling my fingers in her hair and pulling her against me to deepen the kiss. SarahBeth responds immediately, clutching my t-shirt in her free hand and opening her mouth to let my tongue sweep inside. She shivers at my touch, letting go of the hand that's laced with mine and allowing me to wrap my arm around her waist. I tug her over so she's straddling my lap, keeping one hand in her hair and the other on her hip as we continue to kiss.
SarahBeth settles on my lap, her small whimpers exciting me further and prompting me to pull her tighter against me which presses her breasts to my chest and her core against my growing erection.
We both moan at the contact as she squirms in my lap. Sliding my hand from her hip up to her waist and along her side, I rest it at the bottom of her breast, barely touching her, feeling her tremble.
I can hardly believe she's back in my arms, especially after everything that's happened recently. I want nothing more than to keep her here, never moving from my embrace. Content with having her here in my arms, I don't attempt to move further than just kissing her, reacquainting myself with the feel of her mouth, the feel of her body against mine, reveling in the fact that she's forgiven me for all the shit I've put her through recently.
I'm not sure how long we sit here like this, our mouths moving together, but when we finally break apart, SarahBeth's eyes are sparkling and her cheeks are flushed with arousal instead of embarrassment. I pull her close, prompting her to rest her head on my shoulder, wrapping her arms around my neck and sighing in contentment.
We hold each other close, just enjoying the silence, the absence of the pain that's been engulfing us for weeks now. My head is consumed with thoughts of this girl...this girl is my life. SarahBeth and our...fuck...our baby are my entire fucking existence. The two of them are the only things that matter and I know there are things I need to take care of before we can fully move forward. Today is the only day I'm going to be able to be with her before reality intrudes.
Knowing that I'm going to have to take her home later today, that I'm going to have to drop her off with her brother and spend the night in my bed alone has me feeling desperate. I need to feel her as close to me as I can, and even though I don't want to push her, I can't help but lower my mouth to the sensitive spot where her neck meets her shoulder, a spot that I know from experience will turn her on and help my cause. Being inside her wasn't my original intent, but the more I think about it, the more I remember how she feels, the more I want it to happen.
As soon as my mouth touches the spot, her entire body stiffens against me and I feel more than hear her small moan. SarahBeth's fingers dig into my back as I feast on her neck, tasting her skin, something I thought I'd never get to do again. It doesn't take much to move my hands so they're covering her breasts instead of being just underneath them. Stroking the tips with my thumb, I here her indrawn breath before she stutters out a, "Please", pushing her chest further into my hands. Cupping one in each hand, I can feel how they've started to change. They're heavier, filling my hands even more than they already did, the absence of a bra causing the cotton of my t-shirt to scratch against her sensitive nipples and making her shudder.
I abandon her breasts, bringing my hands down to rest on her thighs, just below the hem of the shirt before gripping it in my hands and pulling it and her arms up so I can lift it over her head. Her skin is flushed with arousal, her nipples hardened into tight points. She's now sitting in my lap with me fully clothed and her panties the only barrier between her heat and my hands. Not giving me a chance to touch her, she looks down, grabbing the hem of my own shirt and pulling it off quickly before dropping it on the floor beside the bed. She keeps her eyes on my chest, her breaths coming faster now, and seeing her look so fucking edible, I can't control myself.
Leaning forward, I grip her still tiny waist in my hands as I pull a nipple into my mouth, sucking hard. Her head falls back as a sharp cry leaves her mouth and her hands tangle in my hair, holding me against her as I begin to alternate between flicking the hardened tip with my tongue and pulling it into my mouth to suck. Her hips begin to undulate against me and I can't control the groan that leaves my mouth. Not wanting her other breast to be neglected, I bring a hand up to tweak her nipple between my finger and thumb, the twin sensations driving her closer to the edge as she rubs herself against my erection.
"Please, please, please," she chants, holding me tightly against her.
I smile against her skin before biting down gently, making her yelp. "Please what, baby?" I tease her, knowing exactly what she wants, but wanting her to tell me. Thrusting my hips up, I rub against her harder and her breath catches in her throat.
"Oh God," she cries. "Oh please, please touch me." Even her voice is needy, her begging making me feel like a fucking god.
Taking my hand away from her breast, I trail it down her stomach, coming close to the place I know she needs me most, but passing it by, choosing instead to stroke my fingers down her thigh. The noises coming from her mouth have me so damn turned on that I can't think straight, but I need to know that she wants this as much as I do; that I'm not forcing her into anything. I trail both of my hands up and down her thighs, coming closer to her center with each upward stroke. I can feel the heat coming from her as she trembles beneath my hands, her thighs tensing with every near miss.
Finally, SarahBeth grabs my hand with her own, leading me to her pussy and planting my hand firmly against her. Fuck me. She's so wet, I can feel it over her panties. I can't even tease her anymore, not when she's so damn ready for me. Slipping my finger underneath them, I circle her clit, trying to keep from ripping them off and burying myself inside her right away. She pushes against my hand, whimpering as she tries to get me to apply pressure, to relieve the ache she's feeling. Moving my finger down, I press just inside her greedy little hole, closing my eyes when I feel her body tightening around just the tip. I remember just how it feels when she squeezes my dick and I know that going slow isn't going to be possible.
Flipping her so she's on her back and I'm above her, I yank her panties off and pull my sweatpants down just enough to press myself against her. SarahBeth's back arches at the contact, a high-pitched cry leaving her mouth just before I plunge my tongue inside. She's clutching my arms, her short nails digging into my skin and her legs wrapping around my waist in an attempt to pull me closer.
I want this to be good for her, I want it to last, but it's been too damn long, she feels too fucking good, and I have no self-control. She's so god damn wet that I can't help but push fully inside her, feeling her walls tighten around me. "Fuck," I mutter as she squeezes me tightly, her head thrown back and her eyes closed. Sliding out slowly, I plunge back in fast, my pace irregular and uncontrolled. Her cries get louder and I know I'm too close to the edge. Taking her clit between two fingers, I pinch it lightly and she comes apart beneath me. I follow right behind her, thrusting twice more before losing it completely.
Dropping my head down to rest my forehead on hers, I shut my eyes tightly, enjoying the fact that we are here, that I'm inside her, that I have her back. When I'm able to move again I reluctantly leave her body to lie down beside her. Her breathing is still uneven, her body still trembling as I pull her into me, kissing the top of her head before I say, "Sorry baby, I'll make it better next time. It's just...it's been so long, and you felt so fucking good. I couldn't control myself."
She laughs as she traces patterns on my chest with a finger, her voice sleepy when she says, "I don't think I could take it if it was any better." Smiling against my chest, she murmurs, "It was perfect." I know she doesn't have much to compare it to, but if she thinks that was perfect, I'm going to have a lot of fun showing just how much better it can be. Soon, SarahBeth's breathing deepens and her fingers stop their movements, signaling she's asleep. There's still so many thoughts running through my head that I'm unable to rest myself, so I stay beside her, just enjoying the fact that she's in my bed, that I'm able to touch her again.
SarahBeth
Jeremy and I spend the rest of the day together, talking about everything that happened while we were apart. He tells me about his mom, the people she owes money to, and the conversations he's had with her, both when she's shown up at his office and the one time he went to his aunt and uncle's. I'm apprehensive at the thought of his grandmother finding out about the baby, she's very old school and I know that as soon as he tells her, she'll start pushing for us to get married. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want that with him, I just don't want him to be pushed into it because of his family.
Jeremy told me before that she did the same thing to his mom
when she found out she was pregnant and that's what prompted the fight that had his father walking out on her. I know that's not the same, that what happened with his parents would never happen with us. Based on how attentive he's been today, how he's always looking at my stomach or running a hand across it like he thinks a bump is going to suddenly form under my t-shirt, I know he's telling the truth when he says he's all in.
I'm grateful to both my brother and Lyric for making me go back up to face him last night, to tell him my secret and find out how he felt about me. If it wasn't for them, I'd still be running, terrified of what was going to happen when he found out about the pregnancy. His reaction was more than I ever could have hoped for.
The only thing that I would change about today is right now. Jeremy's taking me home so I can get some sleep and go to school in the morning while I want nothing more than to stay with him. This morning, on his bed, I wanted nothing more than to stay there forever, but now he's treating me like I'm fragile, made of glass and about to shatter.
"SarahBeth?" He's staring at me, his brow furrowed in concern as his voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I realize I've been staring blankly out the car window, not even noticing we're now sitting in my driveway.
Still upset that he's taking me home, I avoid looking at him. Instead, I get out of the car and head up to the house, not telling him goodbye or really even acknowledging him. I know it's childish, but it feels like he's had his fun, he's made his explanations, now he's dropping me off so he can go back to his life without me...it hurts. I don't get very far before his hand grabs my arm just above my elbow, stopping me in my tracks so he can come around in front of me.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3) Page 33
