He glanced at her, but she kept her attention focused on the windshield. “What? But you said you’d stay with me all week.”
“I know.”
“I said I was sorry. And I meant it. We’ll figure this out. I overreacted. I’ll find out what Janine has to say tomorrow, and we’ll figure it out.”
She nodded. “Okay. Yeah. We’ll figure it out. That’s fine, but I still want to go home. I need some space tonight.”
He opened his mouth, and she thought he might argue with her, try to convince her to change her mind. But he snapped his mouth shut, the sound of his teeth crashing together audible. With lips compressed, he gave a short nod. “Do you need anything from my house first?”
She licked her lips. “Yeah. That would be nice.”
The rest of their time together passed in tense silence. He waited in the car while she went into his house to gather her things and drove her to her apartment without saying a word. He surprised her when he parked in front of her apartment and got out to walk her to her door, carrying her bag for her. He set it just inside the front door, and reached for her hand again, his face imploring.
“I am sorry for how I acted at the restaurant. Please forgive me.”
“I—” She stammered, wanting to say she did, but unable to lie to him. “I will.” It was the best she could do.
He nodded, not pleased, but accepting at least. “I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what Janine says. I—Well, I’m hoping she won’t fire me, so I might not be able to call until I get off at five.”
She nodded, not saying anything.
“Promise me you’ll answer?” It came out softly, almost a whisper, like he was afraid she would shut him out.
She forced a tiny smile, somehow feeling the need to reassure him despite everything. She was mad, but she still loved him. “I promise. I’ll answer when you call tomorrow.”
“Okay. Good.” He looked a little less tense as he stared at her for a moment more. Then he leaned in and gave her a swift kiss on the lips, turning and leaving before she could kiss him back.
The door closed, and she lifted her hand to her lips. She shook her head and took her bag into her bedroom, spending the rest of her night trying to distract herself from the pull of her sadness.
She knew that whatever Janine had to say, it couldn’t be good for her and Matt. The look of disgust on the HR director’s face flashed in Hannah’s mind any time she let her thoughts drift in that direction. So she watched movie after movie, gorging herself on ice cream and popcorn, until she couldn’t keep her eyes open. Then she dragged herself to her room, feeling cold and alone in her small twin bed. Wrapping her arms around her pillow, deriving a tiny amount of comfort from hanging onto something, she cried herself to sleep.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“Hey, Matt.”
Matt let out the breath he’d been holding, relieved that Hannah had picked up on the first ring as he walked through the cool March evening to his car after work.
Hannah’s voice sounded scratchy and rough over the phone. Dull. “I guess it’s good that you’re calling me after five, huh?” He thought she might be trying to make a joke, but couldn’t quite pull it off.
Sucking in a deep breath, he hoped he’d be able to salvage everything. It seemed possible, but it would take a lot of work, and compromise, mostly from Hannah. “Yeah. Can I come over? I—” He paused with his hand on the handle of his truck and swallowed. “I want to see you and tell you about everything in person. Is that okay?”
“Yeah.” It came out out so quietly that he almost couldn’t hear her over the sound of the cars driving past.
“Okay. Good.” He pitched his voice low too. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Okay.” And she hung up.
The drive to her apartment seemed to take an eternity, his thoughts running through everything he wanted to tell her, the questions he needed to ask her, hope and dread warring inside him at her possible answers. She didn’t know it yet, but she held all the power in their relationship, more so now than ever before.
Pulling into a parking spot as close to her door as he could find, he steeled himself with a deep breath before getting out. He took the stairs two at a time, in a hurry to get to her, to hold her, and to have one of the hardest conversations of his life. He preferred to avoid hard conversations, emailing or texting if he had to do something, nonstop avoidance if he could get away with it. But with Hannah he’d make the effort. He’d fucked it up once by wussing out and not talking to her. He wouldn’t do that again.
Without a word she opened the door wide and gestured him in, closing and locking it behind him. When she turned around, he reached out and pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair, kissing the top of her head. He didn’t know how this conversation would turn out, and he needed to hold her for a moment to gather his courage.
She held herself stiffly at first, but relaxed into him, seeming to take as much comfort from the touch as he did. He wished he knew what was going through her head. It was clear she’d had a rough night after what had happened, and he wished she’d have stayed with him. If nothing else, they could’ve given each other comfort. But she’d asked for space, and he wanted to respect her wishes. Pushing too hard would definitely make her withdraw. He sucked in a breath, hoping that she wouldn’t do that after what he had to tell her, or that, if she did, she’d come around quickly.
Pushing back, she moved away from him. It looked like she wiped her cheeks with her hands, but she did it with her back turned, so he couldn’t be sure. She settled in the corner of the couch, her knees drawn up, her eyes wide in her pale face, her normally pink lips only a few shades darker than her skin. Dark circles the color of bruises smudged the skin under her eyes, and she wore a rumpled, baggy T-shirt over a pair of gray leggings. “So? What happened? What did Janine say?”
He sat on the coffee table in front of her, wanting to be close, but, with the way she’d curled into herself, he didn’t think she’d let him hold her if he sat next to her on the couch. “She ripped me a new one this morning, especially since she’d warned me to stay away from you already.”
“What? When?”
He lifted a shoulder. “That day when we were supposed to meet at the restaurant and a ton of people from work showed up. She told me to think with my big head not my little head.” A ghost of a smile crossed her lips and was gone as soon as it registered. “Yeah. Janine doesn’t hold back. Anyway, after telling me what a stupid ass I am, she gave me an official reprimand, put me on probation, and took over managing the interns for the rest of the semester.”
“Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry. What does that mean for you?”
“It means I’ll be doing boring grunt work for a while. And Janine will be up my ass about everything, making sure I do it all exactly right. She likes me, which is fortunate, or she’d probably have fired me. She says that if I don’t screw up or do anything like this again, she’ll remove the official reprimand in a year.”
“You’re on probation for a year?”
He shook his head. “No, not really. Just through May. But she’ll be watching me closely even after that, after I get my usual job duties back, making sure I’m still doing everything by the book.”
“Okay. Why do I feel like there’s more, though? Did she say anything about me?”
“Well …” He took a deep breath. This was the hard part. “The good news is that since I’m no longer managing the interns, we can still date. You’re not in trouble at all. According to Janine, this is all on me. I’m the full-time employee, and I work in HR so I know all the details of why we shouldn’t have gotten together while you were interning at Eco Utilities. You’re fine. But—” He paused, struggling with how to tell her the next part.
“But …? So far that all sounds good. Unless I’m missing something?”
He shook his head. “No, that part is good. But, Janine did tell me they’re planni
ng on offering you a summer internship. And I’ll be off probation and back to my usual role by then, which means I’ll be managing the interns this summer. That’s why they hired me. There’s not another place for me long-term at the company if I can’t do my job.”
“So … what? You’re asking me not to take the summer internship?”
He reached out and took her hand in both of his, pressing against her cold, limp fingers. “I know it’s a lot to ask.” He swallowed and licked his lips, his guts churning and his mouth dry. “And it’s not fair to ask you to choose between me and something that could help your career. But there’s still time for you to apply to another internship, and I know Sandra would give you a glowing recommendation. She’s the main reason they’re going to offer you the summer internship there. But if you take it, we’ll have to break up.”
“What?” She jerked her hand out of his grasp, red patches coming to her cheeks, her eyes blazing now. He was glad to see some emotion in her face, but this was not what he’d been hoping for. “This is the best internship out there!” She pointed her finger at his face. “And you of all people should know that. You interned there. So much that they offered you a full time job upon graduation. And you weren’t even an intern there last semester. They waited for you, created a position for you. And you don’t even care that much about them or what they do.” She stood, gesturing wildly with her arms. “I do care. I love what the company stands for and what I’m doing there. This kind of thing is what I’ve wanted to do. The only thing better would be working for a nonprofit dedicated to saving the environment. Since everyone knows those kinds of places pay crap, my plan has always been to get a good job and volunteer for the Sierra Club or something. But at Eco Utilities I get the best of both worlds! I can do work I enjoy and benefit causes that are important to me. And you want me to just give that up? And get an internship somewhere else, work somewhere else, somewhere that pollutes and destroys and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about clean energy or not ripping out all the good and beautiful things in the world? What the hell, Matt?”
He sat there with his mouth hanging open. Before he could formulate a response, she went on.
“What about you?”
“What? What about me?”
“You could quit. Find another job. You said Janine likes you. I’m sure she’d be willing to give you a good reference if you’re leaving willingly and not getting fired.”
His mouth hung open again, this time in astonishment. Yeah, technically him quitting would solve the problem, too, but what would he do then? “It’s not that easy to just find another job, Hannah.” He managed to keep his voice low and even, despite the fact that she was almost yelling, and part of him wanted to yell back.
“Well, you’ve got some time, right? I mean, there’s not a conflict until the summer internship starts, which isn’t until the end of May. That gives you a couple of months.”
“Hannah, I have friends who started applying before graduation in December, guys with good grades and good resumes, who still haven’t found anything. They’re working as waiters or doing construction in the summer and saving as much as they can for the fall and winter when nothing’s going. I can’t just quit my job. That would be stupid.”
She paused, looking around the room before settling her gaze on him again and crossing her arms. “So I should alter the course of my career for you at your say so, but you won’t even consider doing the same for me?” She huffed out a laugh and shook her head, turning her face away again.
He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated that she would think he could just quit and find a new job like that. She was still in school, she didn’t understand the job market, or how much he needed a stable job. Yeah, he didn’t care that much about the job itself, but it had good benefits, and it meant he could save up enough money to go to the coast for a couple of weeks a year. And he could pick whenever the surf was best. Hell, he could even go back to Westport in September for the annual surfing competition like he used to do in high school. He hadn’t been in years because he always had games that weekend. No way could he compete even at the amateur level this year. He was way too out of practice—the baby waves in the summer that he had access to when he went to visit his parents were nowhere near enough to keep his skill level at even amateur competition level. But maybe next year. Just for fun.
He shook his head. “Will you at least think about it?”
Her green eyes were hard when she skewered him with her gaze again. “Will you?”
“Hannah, be reasonable.”
“Don’t patronize me, Matt. I am being reasonable. You’re the one who’s not. You have dreams you’re too scared to go after, content with your safe little job because it gives you a paycheck, and now’s the time to go after what you want. I’m going after what I want, because I have the guts to do it. But if you won’t even consider—” She held up a hand to hold him off when he opened his mouth to interrupt. “I’m not saying you should definitely do it or not, but the fact that you aren’t even open to discussing it, and you expect me to just turn down something that I want—that I’ve worked hard for, that I’ve earned—without batting an eye, can only mean that you’re not as invested in this relationship as I thought. I was right all along.”
He stood, unable to sit through what she seemed to be trying to say. “What? Right about what all along?”
She looked down, rubbing her hands up and down her arms like she was cold.
“Hannah. What do you think you were right about all along?” Matt’s voice came out harsher than he intended, but he needed her to say it, spell it out for him, because he needed to know if the dread solidifying in his gut was right. “Spit it out.”
Her face twisted in anger and pain, her eyes a blaze of green fire, stark in her pale, anguished face. “You’ve never felt as strongly about me as I’ve felt about you.” She spit the words, each one piercing him like a shard of glass, embedded so deep inside him that he didn’t know if they’d ever come out. “Never. Not that summer three years ago and not now.”
His breath left him in a whoosh, like he’d just been punched in the gut and had the wind knocked out of him. “How can you say that?” He still couldn’t breathe, the pain from her face and her words crushing his lungs. He sucked in a breath, trying to force air into his chest. “How can you say that?” His voice came out louder this time. “I fucking love you, Hannah. Jesus, how can you not see that?”
One corner of her mouth twisted in an ugly travesty of a smile, and her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “No you don’t, Matt. Maybe you think you do, but you wouldn’t ask this of me if you loved me. You would talk with me like an adult, like an equal, not come in here with ultimatums, telling me to choose my dreams or you. You, who for all I know will just stop talking to me again if you decide we shouldn’t be together anymore.”
“That’s not fair, Hannah. I apologized for that, and you said that you forgave me.”
“You did apologize, and I did forgive you, but people don’t change, Matt. Not that much. Just because you’re sorry about before doesn’t mean you won’t do it again.”
He ran his hands through his hair, pulling until it hurt, trying to stop himself from punching a hole in the wall. “Fuck! What do you want from me, Hannah? You want me to quit? Have no money? Get a job as a waiter somewhere? Flip burgers at McDonalds? Is that really what you want? Your internship is more important to you than me? Than my ability to support myself, to support you?”
“You don’t support me, Matt. We’re dating. We’re not married. We’re not even engaged! If we were, I’d expect you to come and talk to me, not just try to order me around or manipulate me into doing what you want. And I definitely would hope you wouldn’t just disregard my goals and my dreams for the sake of a paycheck. As though you couldn’t find someone to give you a paycheck anywhere.”
“You don’t—”
“Yeah, I do. I get it. I know it’s not that easy to find a job. But here’s the
thing, Matt. It’s even harder to find a job you care about, a job that you love, doing something you want to do. And that’s what Eco Utilities is for me. It’s more than just a paycheck. You don’t even like your job, so it makes more sense for you to find something else. Better yet, find a way to do what you love to do. Come up with a way to surf for a living that’s not on the pro competition circuit. There’s more to the sport than just that. You have a degree in management and marketing, and you work in HR so you know how corporate crap works. Start a company where you take executives on surfing trips for bonding or whatever corporate-speak calls that kind of shit where they pay a crap-ton of money to go on vacation and supposedly do planning so the company can pay for it. Yeah, you’d be teaching a bunch of old, fat dudes to surf, but you’d get to travel, stay in awesome resorts, and get to surf all the time.”
That made him pause for a minute, dropping his hands at his sides, all the fight gone, liking the picture she painted. Could he do something like that? Work for himself? And be able to surf? She made it sound so simple.
But he shook his head. That was stupid. Dreams didn’t come true. “It’s not that easy, Hannah. Where would I get the money to start something like that? Marketing, travel, not to mention equipment. That’s a nice idea, but it’s not realistic.”
“It could be. You could figure it out. But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is that you don’t want to. Or you’re too scared to.” She shrugged a shoulder. “It’s easier to just give up, to coast along and never have to confront anyone or anything.”
He couldn’t say anything to that, because she was right. He could confront the opposing team on the football field, but only because someone else called the plays and told him what to do, who to cover. His responsibilities were defined there. In real life? Confrontation ended with people yelling, people hurting, and no one changing their mind. That’s how it had been with his dad growing up. That’s how it was with Hannah right now. It was easier to just let things go and avoid the confrontation.
Players of Marycliff University Box Set, Books 1–3 Page 64
