by Len Webster
“Thank you.”
Evan set his hands on her shoulders, his eyes firmly on hers. “I have to ask. Were you telling the truth before?”
Her smile dwindled as the truth simmered in her chest, demanding acknowledgement. To say the three words that could ruin them. “It’s true.”
“I’m the only person who has ever kissed you?” he asked in a small voice, just loud enough for them to hear.
She nodded. “Why did you kiss me at midnight?”
He tensed, his fingers gently pressing into her skin. “You deserve a memorable New Year’s kiss at least once in your life, Alexandra. As your best friend, I felt compelled to be the one who made it happen.”
Her heart soared.
And just as it hit heights it had never reached, it came tumbling down.
Crashing into the heat of longing he’d evoked within her.
AJ was equal parts touched and heartbroken at his reason for kissing her.
Best friends don’t kiss each other out of love.
They kiss each other out of convenience.
And just like her thirteenth birthday, AJ’s only New Year’s kiss was out of convenience. But unlike Evan, AJ felt so much in that one kiss. It was quite clear that all those feelings were a one-sided coin. They were never going to be reciprocated and shared. But if she had a bucket list with “most memorable New Year’s kiss imaginable” on it, she could officially cross it off.
Because it was.
The way he kissed her.
Held her.
Looked at her.
Was memorable.
And for that, no matter how much the pain and disappointment lingered, she appreciated her kiss with Evan.
With the only boy she had ever kissed.
And knowing that was very problematic for her falling heart.
“There you all are,” AJ heard her mother say.
She glanced over to find her mother hugging herself as she joined them on the rooftop. AJ felt Evan’s hands fall away from her as her mother smiled at them.
“It’s cold out here. Evan, my husband’s been looking for you. He wants to wish you a Happy New Year.”
“Is he still where he was before?”
AJ’s mother smiled. “Yeah. Alexandra’s grandparents will take you to him. I want to spend a few minutes with my daughter before we join you. Is that okay, Alexandra?”
“Sure thing, Mum,” AJ said.
“I’ll see you down there,” Evan promised. She watched him walk toward her grandparents and then wrap his arm around her grandfather, helping him off the rooftop and toward the stairwell. Once Evan and her grandparents were off the roof, AJ spun around and walked to the railing, staring at the Boston skyline. She had intended to pick up her things and join her mother, but she needed a minute.
A minute to reflect.
A minute to appreciate what had happened on this rooftop.
Because once she returned to the party, it would be over.
The magic would dissipate.
Reality would have to cover up the fantasy.
AJ’s mother joined her. “Alexandra …” Her mother paused, causing AJ to face her and take in her concerned expression. “Is everything okay?”
AJ glanced down at Evan’s Red Sox pin she’d taken off his jacket lapel before midnight. He hadn’t realized he was wearing it until she pointed it out. He never wore anything related to the Red Sox, so it appeared out of place on him. And it was AJ’s responsibility, as his best friend, to make sure he stayed true to himself, so she removed the pin.
The act made way for their kiss.
A kiss that she still felt on her lips.
Leaving tremors in her chest that still shook her.
Pushing away the memory of the way Evan kissed her, AJ took a deep breath and lifted her chin to look at her mother. If there was anyone she could discuss love and relationships with, it was her mother. She had no one else to turn to. The only other person she’d go to for advice would be Evan or Kyle, and neither were who she needed to hear words of wisdom from—Evan, especially.
“I’m not sure,” she replied honestly. “Mum, can I ask you something?”
Her mother reached out and grasped AJ’s hand. “You can ask me anything, Alexandra.”
She took a deep breath, ready for the truth to set her straight. To set her on the right path. The honest path. “I overheard you and Grandma talking about how I look at Evan …”
“Oh, you heard that.” Her mother’s grip on her hand weakened for a moment, then she squeezed it.
“I look at Evan the way you look at Dad, but Evan … he doesn’t, does he?”
Her mother released her hand and cupped AJ’s face, and her lips curved into a small smile. Her cold hands caused her to flinch, but it didn’t cool the uncomfortable heat in her chest. The heat that threatened to explode with the very words her mother would spill. AJ took a deep breath and slowly released it. Her mother’s silence was all the confirmation she needed.
Evan Gilmore wasn’t and would never be in love with her.
She would always be his best friend.
She would never be more, and that realization crushed her soul.
“Alexandra, Evan looks at you like he hasn’t realized you’re his entire world yet. You’re so important to him. You’re his soul mate.”
A pang erupted in AJ’s chest, right where her heart once beat strong.
Now it fell in agony.
Down, down, down.
There was no saving it.
It was now in free fall.
“But soul mates don’t always fall in love with each other,” she murmured.
Her mother pressed her lips to AJ’s forehead. Then she gazed down at her and said, “Sometimes, soul mates take time to realize it’s love. And sometimes, soul mates need to be lost in order to be found. I know how you feel about Evan. I’ve watched you fall in love with him. I’m your mother, Alexandra, and I see how you look at him. I want nothing more than for him to look at you the way your father looks at me, but he needs time, too, my love. He needs time to be lost, to be found, and to realize.”
AJ pulled away from her mother’s touch as the cracks in her heart split the once functioning organ into sections. Barely functioning. Needing to be put back together to be whole and at its full potential.
“I see it, too, Mum,” she whispered as she glanced down at Evan’s pin. She knew him. All of him. And she was well aware of the real him. “I see it,” she said, looking at her mother through her lashes. Tears prickled her eyes, and she blinked to relieve the sting. But it wasn’t enough. AJ reached up and brushed them away with her fingertips, hoping it didn’t ruin her makeup. She took a deep breath and gave her mother the best smile she could muster.
Tonight, she would accept her epiphany.
She and Evan would never have romance.
There would never be passion.
Never the need for her love.
They were nevers.
“And what do you see, Alexandra?”
“That it’s not there for him, Mum. I’m his best friend. I’ll only be his best friend. And that’s the kind of soul mate I am for him. The one who understands him. The soul mate who loves him the way he’s always wanted to be loved even if I’m not the person he wants to love. I’ll be the soul mate who’s good to him, but in turn, it’ll ruin my heart because I don’t want to lose him. And if that means never being able to love him … then I have to do that. I have to just be his best friend.”
“You could be his everything.”
AJ shook her head. “I can’t lose everything on a risk.”
“I risked everything for your father and look where I am. I have you. We have you. And I would risk everything in a heartbeat for you and your father,” her mother revealed as her own tears rolled dow
n her cheeks.
“But I’m not like you,” AJ whispered.
“You’re much better than I am. You’re young, Alexandra. I was young when I made a lot of mistakes and lost your father. But I can’t tell you how to live your life or who to love. I just want you to be happy.”
She nodded. “I think I’m happier this way, Mum. I love him enough to know that I’m not the real love of his life. He might be my soul mate, but that doesn’t mean I’m his.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“I have to be. I can’t lose Evan because I’m stupid enough to think he could love me. I’m science, and he’s …” She paused for a moment. “He’s Evan Gilmore … and I’m Alexandra Parker, and we’re best friends.”
Her mother’s sadness didn’t leave her face. “One day, you will understand why I think you’re truly his soul mate and why our definitions of soul mates differ. Sometimes, we just have to be honest with our hearts, Alexandra. And one day, when you’re honest enough, you will understand why I’m telling you not to fall out of love with Evan. Just be patient, my sweet Alexandra. Just be patient. You’re in love. And sometimes, we don’t think clearly enough when we’re in love.”
“Just don’t tell Dad that I broke his no falling in love rule,” AJ said to defuse the tension in their talk.
Her mother let out a small laugh. “You will always be your father’s little girl.”
28 Ni
nickel
AJ
Now
“Don’t forget, the study of motion is ancient,” Xavier, the teaching assistant, said. “So it’s okay not to understand everything in one lecture. Take your time this week to study the material. We covered a lot of theory today. After all, classical mechanics wouldn’t be what it is without Newton’s Laws of Motion. So when you’re on break, look around you. Look at how objects move and how force has affected that motion. Think distortion of motion, too. If you didn’t pick that up, that was a hint of what’s to come. I will see you all after break. And yes, I will be on campus for fall break if you need any help with the material. I’ll see you all in the next class.”
Just as AJ finished writing her notes from the slides, she felt her phone vibrate in her lap. AJ set the pen down and picked up her phone to see a new message from her roommate.
Savannah: So I just met THE Evan Gilmore.
Crap.
AJ had completely forgotten to warn Savannah that Evan had arrived at Duke. She had been too consumed with listening to Connor about his upcoming stats midterm while they walked to their classes. AJ meant to send Savannah a text once she took a seat in her lecture, but her TA, Xavier, had jumped right into this week’s lecture about motion.
AJ: I am so sorry. I meant to text you. How was meeting him?
Savannah: He’s even hotter in person. That picture of y’all on your desk doesn’t do him justice, Alex.
AJ: That wasn’t what I asked.
Savannah: I know. Just putting it out there. It was interesting. I found him staring at the picture. Alex, he looked really sad. He looked heartbroken.
AJ: I know. I’m the reason for it.
Savannah: What are you going to do?
AJ: I don’t know. Class is finished, so I have to go back to our dorm room to talk.
Savannah: I think that’s best. He flew all the way from California for you.
AJ: I know, but there’s so much about us you still don’t know.
Savannah: I’m your friend, Alex. And given more time, I know we’ll be best friends. But I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of best friend Evan was to you. I know you miss him, and I know you love him. I don’t think you’ll truly enjoy college if you don’t work things out with him. I’m not going back to our dorm after class. I’m gonna let you and Evan talk. Good luck!
Good luck.
AJ was going to need it to face Evan. She was in the wrong; she knew that. Instead of being the best friend he needed, she became a wimp and ran away. She took away Stanford. She took away them experiencing college together from him.
AJ had run.
And Evan had finally caught up.
He was a block.
Evan Gilmore was the distortion to her motion.
The force that rippled her structure.
“Alex?” She glanced up from her phone to find the teaching assistant crouching next to her seat. “Is everything okay? Class has ended. Did you not understand the content?”
AJ set her phone down. “Umm, I … do.”
Xavier, with his shimmering butterscotch eyes, smiled at her as he stood. “Alex, even the brightest minds have trouble with physics. It took me weeks to understand this stuff.”
“Newton’s second law?”
“I would have thought you’d understand that one.”
She nodded. “I do. The second law revolves around the rate of change of momentum of a body. Can a change in force completely affect the equation when the rate of change is not directly proportional to the force applied?”
“You’re asking questions I didn’t expect. Yes. So think of a collision. A car speeding north down a road. Now a truck speeding west is your distortion. That impact, the motion and force aren’t proportionally applied, considering the speed and mass of the truck, and would cause the force to obliterate the car.”
Evan is the truck.
I am the car.
Life is our distortion.
“Makes sense,” AJ said as she shot him a smile. Then she picked up her bag and shoved all her books inside, grabbing her phone as she stood. “Thanks, Xavier.”
Just as she was about to walk down the stairs and out of the lecture hall, Xavier stepped in front of her. “Alex.”
“Yes, Xavier?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Excuse me?”
“At Duke.”
Her shoulders sagged. That was the million-dollar question. “Why does everyone ask me that?”
“Because you’re smart and brilliant. I’ve read your assignments. I’ve seen you mouth equations I don’t expect a freshman to know. When I teach something I believe would obliterate minds, you don’t seem fazed. It’s as if it’s not new information you’re absorbing. I asked around, and you had scholarships to Harvard and Yale. Why did you turn them down for Duke?” The disbelief in his eyes had AJ hiking her bag’s strap onto her shoulder.
There was only one way to put it.
“Life is the truck, and I’m the car. Distortion prevented me from my dream school. I allowed it to happen when arrived at the crossroad. I let disproportional force affect my life, so that’s why I’m at Duke. Because Harvard and Yale were at every crossroad, and there was always a truck waiting. The only school where a truck wasn’t waiting for me was Duke. That’s why I chose this school. I’ll see you after fall break, Xavier.”
AJ stepped around him and made her way down the stairs, hating the fact she had made her and Evan fit into a law.
And laws in physics were scientific truths.
AJ stood outside her dorm room and stared at the door. She left class almost fifteen minutes ago, but she had walked slowly back to Wilson, trying to find a valid reason to avoid this. No matter what force, velocity, or law she could come up with, none would help her.
She needed to face Evan Gilmore.
It was the very least she owed him.
He flew almost six hours to see her.
Kyle could have told him a lie, yet he still flew out.
Proving he still cared for her.
Love might never be a force that would bind them, but their friendship was forever. She couldn’t let go of that because, in the months since she last saw him, she still missed him. AJ reached into her bag and pulled out her lanyard. She took a deep breath and inserted the key into the lock. When she turned it, she let out a long exhale. Once
she pushed the door open, she stepped inside to find Evan lying down on her bed with his eyes closed.
AJ gently closed the door and made her way to her desk. She set her phone and keys down and placed her bag on the chair, checking to make sure she hadn’t woken him up.
He must have taken the first flight out of California to see her.
And to her relief, it meant their confrontation was put on hold.
AJ unbuttoned her coat, removed it, and folded it over her desk chair. She didn’t have any more classes today. She did have a few assignments she needed to start, but right now, they weren’t important.
Evan was.
And that was enough for her to walk over to the end of her bed and sit down, not wanting to wake him or be away from him. AJ would have to send him away soon enough.
He had a life in California, and she had to stay in North Carolina.
If they were going to start over, he couldn’t ask her to leave Duke.
He couldn’t ask her to give up anything for him.
Not after she gave up her heart.
And their friendship.
“Alexandra?”
AJ glanced over to find Evan awake and blinking at her. “Hey,” she said in a small voice as she set a romance novel she had borrowed from her roommate on the bed.
Evan rubbed his eyes and then propped himself up on his elbow. “I fell asleep?”
“You did.”
He glanced down at the blanket she had covered him with. “How long have I been asleep?”
“A couple of hours. When I came back from my class, you were asleep.”
“Shit,” he cursed as he sat up. His hair was tussled, and his brown eyes had that softness to them she loved. Although beautiful, she could still see the pain in them. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You were tired.”
Evan ran his hand through his hair and let out a heavy exhale. Then he reached for her hands, and AJ scooted to face him. “AJ, we really need to talk.”
