Action Steps: Think about some of the nervous behaviors you have that are habitual. What are some of the triggers for these behaviors in social situations? What are you feeling when you turn to these habits? Discomfort? Boredom? Stress? By noticing the feelings, you will take some of the power away from the emotion, making it less tempting to perform the bad habit. Come up with some positive replacement behaviors to use when you notice you want to perform a nervous habit. For example, when you want to bite your nails, put your hands in your pockets or hold them together in front of you.
19. Practice openness and vulnerability.
When you don't feel confident about yourself or your relationship skills, it is difficult to open up to another person. Often we build walls and shut down emotions in order to protect ourselves from embarrassment or rejection. Vulnerability feels deeply uncomfortable when we aren't sure if something negative might follow. But authenticity is the only path to a real connection in any relationship. You can't close off parts of yourself and feel confident in who you are. When you are reserved and self-conscious, you are depriving others of the benefit of your true personality and uniqueness. You also deprive yourself of the potential for an enjoyable, real connection.
Action Steps: Consider how you might be closing yourself off or being inauthentic in your relationships. Start by taking one small step toward authenticity and vulnerability. Share a life-long dream or talk about an insecurity in a conversation with a friend or acquaintance. Practice speaking from the heart, even at the risk of appearing less-than-perfect. You'll find others relate to you better and find you more approachable.
20. Gain perspective.
Although you may feel highly self-conscious in social situations, the reality is that others aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you fear they are. Most people are far more concerned with themselves and how they look and sound. Even though you may be filled with doubt about yourself, your appearance, your personality, or your abilities, everyone has some of these same self-doubts. More importantly, everyone has flaws and imperfections. You may not notice them because you're so focused on your own.
Action Steps: Close your eyes for a moment, and mentally acknowledge the fact that your fears and self-doubts are out of proportion with reality. Recognize that others aren't focused on your flaws or assessing you constantly. Remind yourself of this fact when you are in your next social situation.
Career
"I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions."
~ Stephen Covey
Your career is a huge part of your life. If you work full-time, you spend nearly half of your waking hours on the job. How you feel about your career impacts your happiness and quality of life in all areas. If you're unhappy or unfulfilled in your work, your feelings will eventually impact your confidence in your ability to be successful, useful, and productive.
If you have a career you like, but you don't have confidence in yourself or your skills on the job, this will undermine your opportunities for promotions, better jobs within your field, or winning new clients. When you lack confidence at work, you aren't as likely to accept challenging projects, initiate ideas, or speak up in meetings. As a result, others begin to view you as less capable or intelligent and come to expect less from you.
Even though you might be highly-skilled and very bright, the fallout from your lack of confidence will make you question yourself further, as you fail to impress your peers and decision-makers. Over time, your self-esteem takes a hit because your inability to reach your career goals makes you doubt yourself and your worth to the organization. If you lack confidence in yourself on the job, the best thing you can do for your overall happiness and financial success is to work on rebuilding it.
21. Know your career goals.
Often a lack of confidence stems from not being clear on what you want and where you want to go with your career. This uncertainty and lack of clarity makes you hesitant to take risks or boldly seize opportunities. If you don't feel happy or passionate in your work and don't have a vision for your professional future, the odds are good you'll settle for the status quo and never move ahead. You'll feel paralyzed by doubt and lack of direction.
Action Steps: Start thinking about your professional vision and what you want to achieve in the coming years. Do you have a passion that can translate into a career? What are your career goals for the next year, five years, ten years? Start writing this vision and defining your goals. When you do this exercise, suspend logic and pragmatic thinking and allow yourself to think big.
22. Get clear on expectations.
If you don't know what your boss or organization expects from you, you'll always feel on rocky footing and insecure about your performance. Perhaps your boss hasn't communicated these expectations clearly, but it's up to you to find out and drill down to the specifics tasks and results required. Having this definitive knowledge will give you clarity and make you feel more confident in your efforts.
Action Steps: Review your job description and duties if you have access to them. Set up a meeting with your boss to review and discuss his/her specific expectations. If your company has a vision or mission statement, review it to ensure your work aligns with the company mission.
23. Identify weaknesses or opportunities.
Although it's never fun to acknowledge our weaknesses and areas of growth opportunity, you must be clear on where you need to improve in order to improve. You likely know some of these weaknesses already, but it's important to know how your boss and decision-makers in your organization view them and where they want you to grow.
Action Steps:Make a list of your perceived weaknesses in your job. Ask your boss where he believes you need to improve. What are some specific actions you can take in these areas to become better? Write them down and create an action calendar for implementing them.
24. Think outside of the box.
Innovators and creative thinkers often get the most attention in an organization. Even though you might feel unsure of yourself, consider new and different ways you can complete a project, save the company money, or come up with a solution to a problem. Rather than following the same routines or the expected method, think outside of the box and impress your boss with your initiative and creativity.
Action Step: Consider an upcoming project or a regular task in your job. How could you improve, streamline, or recreate it? How can you show your boss and the powers that be the ways in which your ideas will benefit them or the organization?
25. Prepare thoroughly.
Nothing supports confidence more than thorough preparation. Whether you're conducting a meeting, giving a speech, or presenting to a client, when you know your stuff, you feel on top of your game and self-assured. Demand excellence from yourself in your work. Go above and beyond what needs to be done. Give yourself plenty of time and over-prepare. Even if you aren't a comfortable speaker or presenter, your thorough knowledge and command of the subject will make you feel more secure and impress others.
Action Step:What is the next presentation, meeting, or project you have ahead of you? What do you need to do to feel thoroughly prepared and completely informed? Write down all of the specific steps and create a plan of action working backward from the event date. If necessary, rehearse what you will say and how you'll present the information.
26. Speak out in meetings.
When you lack confidence at work, it feels uncomfortable and intimidating to speak up in meetings. You fear saying the wrong thing, looking stupid, or drawing attention to yourself. However, your willingness and initiative to talk in meetings, share ideas, and argue a point in front of others is a critical factor decision makers consider when it's time to offer a promotion or a juicy project. Sitting silently makes you appear disengaged and disinterested, and will make it more likely you get passed over or ignored.
Action Steps:When is the next group meeting you must attend at work? Find out more about this meeting and the topics that will
be covered. What ideas or relevant information can you share during the meeting? Think about exactly what you can say, how you will say it, and when the appropriate time will be during the meeting to bring it up. How can you politely insert your comment into the conversation if you aren't called upon to speak?
27. Box up past failures.
When we make a mistake or experience a public failure in our work, it takes a huge toll on self-confidence. Failure is embarrassing and creates a lot of anxiety about our potential for success and abilities. However, failure also is a sign that you're willing to stretch yourself and take action. The most confident and successful people have had many mistakes and past failures—because they've pushed themselves to take a risk, make a decision, and move forward. Failures give you information you can use for future efforts. Once you learn from failure, don't allow it to remain in your awareness or hold you back. Accept failure as a stepping stone to success.
Action Steps:What past mistakes or failures remain in your thoughts and undermine your confidence? Write down each one, and consider what you learned from them. How has this information helped you or guided you in other efforts at work? What positive changes have you made as a result of this failure? Write done your thoughts. If you'd like to read more about confidence after failure, check out this article.
28. Find a mentor.
A mentor is a more knowledgeable, experienced person who takes an interest in you and your success. Mentors inspire and motivate you to stretch yourself and do your best work. With a mentor, you can drill down to the emotions, complications, frustrations, and potential roadblocks and get real-world feedback on how to manage these things. Mentors might see something in you that you haven't recognized or acknowledged in yourself and shine a light of awareness on it for you.
Action Steps: Think about successful, accomplished people you know and admire in your office or your field. What do they do that you would like to emulate ? What could you learn from them if you had the opportunity? Make an initial contact with a potential mentor to let them know why you respect them. Invite them to lunch or offer your assistance so you have the chance to observe and talk with them. Remember to respect your mentor's time and express gratitude for their help and support.
29. Dress for the job you want.
Ultimately, what kind of job do you want? Take a look at your mentor, your boss, your boss's boss. What are they wearing? How are they dressed differently from the rest of the staff? If you're a stock clerk, maybe it's time to get out of jeans and a t-shirt and start dressing like a manager. Appearances do count. You'll feel more confident, and people will begin to view you differently when you dress for the success you intend to create.
Action Steps:Go back to your career goals and remind yourself what you want for the future. What career or position do you want? Begin to dress and groom yourself for the position. Look the part until you actually play it.
30. Highlight your strengths.
It's important to acknowledge and work on your weak points, but it's even more important for your confidence and career success to highlight your strengths. Most people have some level of confidence around what they do well. When you build on those strengths and make them even better, your confidence will follow. It's much easier to strengthen your strengths than it is to improve your weak areas. Become an expert or highly proficient in your strengths, and others will come to respect and depend on your knowledge and expertise.
Action Steps: What is a career strength you posses that is essential to your job? How could you improve this area to become even more knowledgeable? What are the exact steps you need to take to strengthen this strength? Write a list of these steps and plot them on a calendar for action.
Communication
"Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills
so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style,
the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people."
~ Jim Rohn
Every relationship you have is impacted by your ability—or inability—to communicate well. Whether at work, in your love life, or with friends and family, good communication fosters better understanding, helps us resolve differences, promotes mutual trust and respect, and allows creative ideas to flourish.
Although communication seems fairly simple and straightforward, so much of our communication is misunderstood or misinterpreted. This can cause conflict and wounded feelings in personal and professional relationships, which undermines our peace of mind and confidence.
Think about the times you've said something to your spouse or a friend, and your meaning was entirely misconstrued. Or consider an occasion when someone said something that hurt your feelings, only to learn later they had no idea how their words impacted you. In my own life, I've seen how the power of words can sow the seeds of trust and love—and how they can be divisive, hurtful, or misunderstood.
It's not just the content of your communication that matters. How you speak, and how you look and act while speaking, creates a strong impression on others and lets them know how confident you feel and how capable you are. Having good communication skills is particularly important at work, as your ability to present ideas and share information verbally impacts your success and financial future.
One of the most positive things you can do for your confidence is to learn the skills of healthy, confident communication in your personal and professional life and to put those skills into practice. You'll see how your confidence increases in direct proportion to your ability to communicate well.
31. Be aware of mumbling.
Have you ever listened to someone, and you had to strain to understand what they were saying? They speak so softly or have such poor enunciation you constantly ask them to repeat themselves. Maybe you've noticed other people frequently say to you, "Can you repeat that?" If you're a mumbler, you probably know it. Mumbling can become a bad habit that sends one loud and clear message—"I'm not confident enough to speak clearly and with authority." It also might suggest you really don't want the listener to hear what you say. Either way, it undermines your credibility.
Action Steps: Just the awareness you mumble is a good start toward breaking the habit. To reinforce your awareness, practice speaking in front of a mirror and exaggerate the enunciation and articulation of the words you're speaking. As you speak, open your mouth very wide and pronounce each syllable separately. Keep your voice level modulated and clear, without trailing off at the end of a sentence. Practice this for a few minutes in the morning and evening.
32. Notice conversation fillers.
Conversation fillers are those little sounds like, "um," "er," and "ah," that we use when trying to think of the next thing we want to say. Sometimes we use them because we're nervous and our thoughts escape us. A conversation, presentation, or speech littered with fillers makes the speaker appear unprepared or disengaged. The more you use them, the more dependent you become on them to bridge the gap in your thoughts and words.
Action Steps: Start to notice how often you use fillers in everyday conversation. Begin to catch yourself using these sounds, and mindfully replace them with a deep breath instead. A few moments of silence is far more powerful than filler words, and the deep breath will calm you and allow you to gather your thoughts.
33. Pay attention to pitch, tone, and speed.
Have you ever encountered someone whose voice is really annoying? They talk with a high pitch, speak too loudly, or talk so fast you miss most of what they're saying. The pitch of your voice does make an impact on those who hear you, and they make value judgments based on how you sound. Speaking in a high voice gives the impression you're nervous and lack confidence. A lower pitched voice tends to be calming and persuasive. When you speak too quickly, people can't understand you and begin to tune out and stop listening.
Action Steps:Record yourself reading a few paragraphs from a book. Listen to your pitch and how you modulate it. You
don't have to keep a steady pitch all the time—some words and phrases should be voiced in a higher pitch for emphasis. Pay attention to your speed and how loudly you are speaking. As you listen to your voice and practice making corrections, a new way of speaking will come naturally.
34. Think before you speak.
When you're nervous or lack confidence, you can sometimes lose the filter between your brain and mouth. You blurt things out without thinking them through. Or you might be in a rush to "say it and get it over with" before you lose your nerve. By considering and organizing your thoughts in advance, you can save yourself embarrassment or prevent offending someone else. It will also help you share your information more accurately and concisely. When you don't rush to respond or offer an opinion to quickly, you also give the impression of being measured and truthful in your words.
Action Steps: In your next conversation at work or during a more in-depth conversation in your personal life, take a few deep breaths before you respond or comment. Think about what is on the tip of your tongue and whether or not it's what you really want to say. Does your response require more thought? Is your comment accurate? Will your words offend or wound the person or people listening?
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