Sally began to deny it, then realized that Shawna was probably right. Her daughter kept better track of things than she ever could. “Is it?”
Remorse was in her eyes. Seeing it startled Shawna. And it went a long way in erasing a lengthy list of hurts.
“I should have said it a long time ago.” Pride swelled within her breast as she looked at her only child. Pride and love. “Because I have been, for many years now. I’ve done a lot of foolish things in my life that I really regret.”
Her voice filled with emotion when she thought of all the missed opportunities, the times she’d allowed to slip through her fingers because she’d been so busy with her own life.
“The only thing I never regretted was having you, even if I didn’t know how to show it. I guess I always thought that you could take care of yourself, so it was all right for me to be the way I was.” There was no way to go back and fix any of that. She could just go forward and try to make amends.
Sally embraced her daughter. “But I’ve always loved you, Shawna. And I’m sorry I wasn’t the mother that you deserved.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Shawna smiled at her. “You were a very interesting mother, not to mention beautiful. You were the princess, and I was the enchanted frog.”
Sally was quick to deny the assessment. “You were never a frog.”
“Close. Back then. But it all worked out,” she continued before her mother could argue with her any further. “If I hadn’t had to raise myself and look out for you, I wouldn’t have turned out so stubborn—”
“So tenacious,” Sally corrected. “So much more able to withstand the curves that life throws.” Sally blinked back tears as she cupped her hand along Shawna’s cheek. “You’re the best part of me, Shawna. You always were.”
Sally blew out a breath, embarrassed as she sought to shake off the somber effects of her emotions. There was a wedding to think about. She took on a fresh head of steam.
“So, after I said yes, we went to his house and made love.” She shut her eyes as she remembered, missing the expression on her daughter’s face. “He really is very creative—”
There was no changing the woman. Shawna could only laugh. “Mother, I don’t think I need to hear this about Dr. McGuire.”
Sally looked at her in surprise as her reverie was cut short. “Oh. All right. I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be very, very happy. He makes me feel good. And safe.” She almost sighed the last word. She had never felt safe before.
“I can gather that without going into the minute details.” Shawna kissed her mother’s cheek. “Be happy, Mother. You deserve it.”
Shawna looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. God, but she was running behind schedule. She started for the front door.
Sally followed her. She wasn’t finished. “Be my matron of honor?”
Matron. It sounded so old. And her mother seemed so young. But then, love could do that to you. This time, with luck, her mother had finally found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. “You got it. Now I really have to go.”
Sally nodded. “When you come home, we’ll work on the wedding plans.”
And for the first time, Shawna realized as she left her apartment, she would like nothing better than to see her mother married.
* * *
The news bubbled within Shawna like a precious secret, warring with another one, a secret of her own that she was holding back until the right moment came.
She went from one examining room to the other, seeing patient after patient, counting the minutes until she had a free moment to call Murphy.
He called her first. Trust Murphy to be faster, she thought, settling into her heavily padded chair. She lost no time in telling him the first of her news.
Murphy’s reaction was pure astonishment. “You’re kidding?”
“No, I’m serious. My mother’s getting married. To Dr. McGuire, of all people.” She sat back, rocking. “I never pictured McGuire as the kind of man to get swept off his feet. But if anyone could do it, my mother could.”
It probably ran in the family. “Maybe he swept her off hers,” Murphy suggested.
Shawna laughed. Jeanne poked her head into the office, motioning toward the report she held in her hand. But Shawna waved her back. Whatever it was, she’d get to it in a few minutes. She had a conversation to finish first.
“She alluded to that, but Mother is deceptively fragile at times. What she wants, she usually gets.” Shawna thought back to the first time she had seen them together, her mother fluttering her lashes at the distinguished man, curling up to him on the sofa. “I don’t think Dr. McGuire had a snowball’s chance in hell.”
He could tell by her tone that she was pleased with this match. “I think Dr. McGuire is a very lucky man to find love at his age.” He was attempting to find a way to work up to the question burning in his mind.
Shawna took a deep breath, preparing for a plunge. She picked up on his cue and hoped she could dovetail into her own news. “I think that people are lucky to find love at any age.”
The long pause on the other end of the line gave her an uneasy moment. But it was nothing compared to what she felt when he spoke.
“Move in with me, Shawna.”
For a minute she couldn’t even think. He was asking her to share his bed in a temporary arrangement. Not his life, but his bed. While he was giving her something with one hand, he was tearing away something far more precious with the other. Shawna unconsciously placed her hand over her flat stomach and felt a pang.
Using the tool he’d once showed her, she tried humor to talk him out of this before he pressed the matter too far. Before he hurt her too much. “Bad timing. I’m finally getting my bed back.”
A wave of foreboding filtered through him. It had taken him time to conquer his demons, to finally admit to himself that Shawna was the best thing that had ever happened to him. That because of her, he could actually feel again. She’d reassembled him and made him whole. He didn’t want to lose her. “Fine, we’ll christen it just before you move in.”
Shawna sat up, steeling herself against the pain his words had generated. He wanted to keep this temporary. “No. It’s not an option.”
He didn’t understand. Wasn’t this what she wanted? She’d been so adamant about no strings. Having her move in kept the path open for her. Murphy was confident that with that step taken, he could eventually wear her down to the point where she would agree to marry him.
“Why? You care, Shawna. I know you do.”
She could feel the tears rising in her throat, clawing to be free. “Yes, I do.” She bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “It’s too complicated to explain.”
She wanted him to ask her to marry him, not to move in. She wanted him to care enough, to love her enough to take a risk on forever. The way she was ready to risk it with him.
Murphy backed away before her rejection could sting, but he wasn’t fast enough.
“I don’t need an answer right away,” he cautioned. “Take your time. Think about it.”
If he’d been in front of her, she would have thrown something at him.
“I don’t need to think about it.” Her voice was sharp to hide the fact that it had cracked. “The answer’s no. No now, no later.”
She wasn’t going to sell herself short, to slide into a relationship and just let it drift. She knew exactly what she wanted. Marriage. To him. If he couldn’t give her that, she wasn’t going to accept half measures.
Besides, she wasn’t just thinking of herself anymore.
Murphy resisted the temptation to slam down the telephone, to back away now before she knew how much she’d hurt him. “I think we have something good.”
“We do.” A tear fell on her desk, spreading out like a clear ink blot. “The answer’s still no.” She barely whispered the refusal.
“Why?” It didn’t make any sense to him. He felt as if he was hitting his head against a wall. It wasn’t in his nature to beg, and
yet here he was, hanging on, hoping she would change her mind.
She let out a ragged breath slowly, praying he wouldn’t hear. Praying she could keep her voice steady. “I can’t explain it if you don’t understand.”
He could feel his temper rising. Damn her, why was she turning him inside out this way, making him think that there was a chance, then pulling away like this?
“That’s a cop-out.”
“No, that’s the truth. It doesn’t mean anything if I have to explain it to you.” Her fingers feathered along her desk calendar. She blinked twice to clear away the tears so she could see. There was a notation next to one o’clock. “I have surgery in an hour. I can’t afford to be upset.”
So, it was over, he thought. “I’ll call you later,” he said stonily.
“Sure.”
She placed the receiver back into the cradle and knew he wouldn’t.
Chapter Sixteen
Shawna rushed through the clinic’s doorway, her stomach churning. Passing the row of patients in the waiting room, she nodded mechanically at several faces she recognized. Her target was the back of the clinic. She wanted to get there before it was too late.
Caro had looked up the moment the door to the clinic opened. A cryptic smile curved her mouth when she saw Shawna.
“Well, hello. We were beginning to worry about you.” To her surprise, Shawna didn’t stop at the desk to exchange a few pleasantries. She didn’t even slow down to answer. Caro rose, turning as Shawna passed her. “Are you feeling all right, Doctor?”
Shawna merely nodded, afraid that if she opened her mouth to reply, there might be dire consequences. She could feel her stomach rising to her mouth. Like a homing pigeon, she glued her eyes to the rear of the clinic, determined to reach the tiny bathroom.
She just made it in time.
When she slowly reemerged a few minutes later, Shawna felt better. Not great, she thought ruefully, but at least partially human. At this point, it was the best that she could hope for. Telling herself that she didn’t feel as if she could sleep for a week given the slightest opportunity, Shawna walked into the small office next to the bathroom.
Simon McGuire was just getting up from behind the desk. She flashed an apologetic smile at him as she reached into the battered locker for her lab coat. He should have been on his way home by now.
“Sorry, I know I’m running behind schedule. There was a traffic jam on the freeway.”
He crossed to her and held her coat as she put her arms into the sleeves. “That’s all right. There’s no time clock to punch here. I can’t very well dock what comes from the generosity of your soul, now, can I?”
She turned to face him. Scheduling conflicts had prevented her from seeing or talking to McGuire since her mother had told her the good news. That had been almost a week ago. Her life had been one whirlwind of work since then. She’d made sure of it. But it had taken its toll.
“So, I guess that congratulations are in order.” She forced a smile to her lips as she shoved her hands into her pockets. It was mind over matter, she thought, telling herself that her stomach was settling down and didn’t feel like a tidal wave about to pound on the beach. “Mother told me that the two of you were getting married.”
He beamed like a young bridegroom instead of the wise general practitioner his patients sought out.
“Yes.” He scrutinized her face for her reaction. “Approve?”
“Approve?” How could he possibly think otherwise? He was a kind, caring man with an excellent reputation among his colleagues, and her mother was crazy about him. “I’m absolutely delighted! You’re the best thing that ever happened to my mother.”
He regarded her thoughtfully. She appeared rather peaked around the edges. “No, you are. But I’d like to make a stab at being a close second.”
His words took her by surprise. “Me?”
McGuire nodded. Casually he draped an arm around her shoulders, delaying her return to the waiting room. The clinic was full, but it was a rare occurrence when it wasn’t. He wanted a few minutes alone with his future stepdaughter.
“Sally’s told me a great deal about you, a great deal that I’m sure wasn’t in the letter of recommendation that came from New York Hospital.”
Sally had been honest with him about her own failure as a parent. She’d told him that Shawna had taken care of both of them ever since she was a little girl, acting more like a mother than Sally had. She’d told him, Sally said, because she wanted to be sure that he knew exactly what he was getting into. Her honesty only made him love her more.
The admiration in McGuire’s eyes warmed Shawna. Now if it could only settle her stomach, she mused.
“Funny, until recently I never thought of my mother as being aware of anything that was going on.”
“She was, Shawna. Believe me, she was.”
Words of praise always made her fidgety. The focus belonged on her mother and McGuire, not on her. Shawna spread her arms to him. “Well, at any rate, welcome to the family, Simon.”
He appreciated her easy acceptance and hugged her. After a moment he stepped back. His eyes were kind as they gently swept over her face. “So, are you going to tell him?”
Shawna stiffened. She felt as if a pail of cold water had been thrown at her. She looked toward the front of the clinic, anxious to start working. Anxious to put distance between herself and the questions. “Him? Tell who what?”
The hand on her shoulder was gentling, the look in his eyes understanding. “Shawna, perhaps I’m overstepping myself as your future stepfather, but I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for you from the first day I saw you.”
She raised her eyes to his face warily. “Really?”
He nodded. “You looked needy. And as you know, I’m a sucker for needy cases.”
She’d always prided herself on hiding her feelings, though she would have been the first to admit that when she came to Harris Memorial her emotions were in complete upheaval. Still, she hadn’t thought that a stranger would have detected that so easily.
“I don’t think that I looked particularly needy, Doctor, I just—”
“It wasn’t in your clothes, Shawna, it was in your eyes. You were hurting. Now, as your almost stepfather, I think that there’s something you should know about me,” he continued. “I don’t get sidetracked very easily.” McGuire’s manner grew serious as his concern became evident. “Shawna, I’ve been a doctor for twenty-eight years, and I have three daughters of my own. I know a pregnant woman when I see one.”
A whimsical smile played on his lips. “And if I didn’t, the episode in the bathroom would have given me a rather nice-size clue. We have sinfully thin walls in this clinic.” His eyes indicated the bathroom.
Shawna shrugged carelessly, though she knew it was useless to continue the pretense. “I ate something that didn’t agree with me.”
He saw things in her eyes that she wasn’t telling him, no matter how well she thought she masked them. “More like you had a relationship that didn’t agree with you. At least, temporarily,” he added. He, like Sally, had his hopes about the situation. “Sally tells me that you’ve stopped seeing Murphy.”
She felt restless, as if she was getting in her own way. Why not? Everything else was. “I wasn’t seeing him exactly. We had a few dates and then decided to go our separate ways, that’s all.”
It was far from all, McGuire judged. “So, he doesn’t know.”
She looked down at the floor. The black-and-white-checkered linoleum was yellowed with age and cracked in a few places. She stared at the crack, following the zigzag pattern. “No.”
He felt the urge to hold her, the way he would with his daughters whenever they’d had a heartache. But he knew that Shawna wouldn’t appreciate it right now. She was too busy struggling with her independence. “Are you planning on telling him?”
“Eventually. Maybe.” She shrugged, feeling completely helpless. It wasn’t supposed to have turned out this way. But then, she thoug
ht, her initial reaction had been right. Keep a tight rein on your heart and nothing can hurt it. The trouble was, she had forgotten her own rules. “I haven’t thought things out that far.”
“Far,” he repeated, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. “Then you’ve decided to have it.”
She looked at him in surprise. Not to have the child had never entered her mind. “Oh, yes. Yes,” she echoed more firmly. “I could never think of— No, it’s a baby. How could I—”
McGuire raised a hand. “Easy.” His voice was soothing, patient. “I knew the answer to my question before I asked, but I wanted to hear you say it.” He studied her face. “Maybe you needed to hear it, too.” He didn’t want her to feel that he was pressuring her. Just that he cared. “You owe it to all three of you to tell him, you know.”
She didn’t relish the idea of seeing Murphy. There were too many emotions churning within her for her to face the matter rationally.
Shawna blew out a breath. “Yes, well, if I find some time where I’m not throwing up or going from patient to patient, I’ll give him a call.” Maybe.
McGuire nodded, knowing that for the time being she wasn’t about to do anything of the sort. He wondered if Sally knew that her daughter was pregnant. Shawna didn’t strike him as the type to volunteer this sort of information on her own.
“You do that.” He glanced at his watch. He had just enough time to go home and change before he went to pick up Sally. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a beautiful woman about dinner.”
Shawna was glad to give up center stage. She grinned fondly at the man. From the little interaction she’d had with her mother, Sally had told her of an extensive itinerary. They were behaving like two energized teenagers. Shawna was thrilled for both of them. “You’re spoiling her.”
He laughed. “Yes, and I fully intend to go on doing it. It’s about time someone did.”
Though her knees felt a little wobbly, she hooked her arm through his and accompanied him down the small hall. “You’re going to make a terrific stepfather.”
Husband: Some Assembly Required Page 23
