by Rae Earl
“For ever”? Only in a platonic way though.
Goooooseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
11.45 p.m.
I’m sure I can hear Keith sucking helium out of a balloon and pretending to be a Smurf!
CAN PEOPLE PLEASE MAKE THEIR MINDS UP ABOUT WHAT THEY ACTUALLY ARE AND WHAT THEY ACTUALLY FEEL?!
F
RIDAY 1
ST J
ANUARY
11.21 a.m.
HATTIE MOORE’S OFFICIAL LIST OF WHAT THIS NEW YEAR IS REALLY ABOUT:
Finding REAL FULL-ON love.
Last year I spent too much time LOOKING FOR MY DAD (a year of trouble that has just led to mass confusion and the weirdest time of my ENTIRE life!) AND I spent too much time on what Weirdo Jen calls fleeting relationships – AKA hot snogging.
1. THIS year is about FULL-ON LONG-TERM LOVE. It’s about finding someone that LOVES Hattie Moore. ME. I am not a Pash Goddess BUT I can do hotness. I have done erotic water-park snogging. I have now been someone’s girlfriend. I need to establish myself as a REAL WOMAN and embrace the fact I have a maturer, bigger emotional brain.
Yes, I still have tiny tits – but I know now that a) I can’t do anything about that and b) larger boobs do NOT solve all your problems. In fact, as Gran says, people often forget she actually has a face. Plus buying big pretty bras is a nightmare – “I don’t want 2 marquees, Hattie! I want gentle feminine support, preferably in cream with dainty blue flowers.” I told her not to worry as only Gran will ever see her own underwear at her age! I felt her death-staring me so I didn’t look at her. Gran said, “People see my undies on the line, Hattie. Everybody judges you on the state of your whites – trust me.”
Gran could have loads of secret boyfriends for all I know. She always acts REALLY odd after bingo and often loses her dabber.
1.12 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says all women are goddesses. I am apparently not a hotness goddess but an Amazon goddess. I am athletic and of the jungle. I am a natural hunter.
This is nonsense because I can never find the bacon in Tesco.
STILL I will find real love. A REAL LOVE that lasts longer than the bananas in the fruit bowl. I know that sounds mental but I deserve the sort of love that doesn’t go black and mouldy after a week. And I want to be a banana on my own terms.
ALSO:
2. Be nicer to Mum. I may fail at this as she has a mutant totally annoying gene but I will try because I owe her for the Keith bomb.
3. Get to know Keith. I have to now I’ve started. It’s a duty – like finding Gran’s dentures when she puts them down somewhere safe she doesn’t remember (always on the front windowsill – where everyone can see). AND I can tell he has good bits. Inside. When he’s not going on about chimps in captivity. Or something.
4. Just make sure I don’t lose Goose as a friend. I have to just forget the tingles and be more … just how we used to be. I was expecting too much. You can’t snog a boy that you used to play Postman Pat with. But … GOOSE. It’s hard. He is this massive geek problem I can’t get out of my head.
5. Avoid MGK as much as possible. So what if she’s my sister? She’s still the enemy. Families hate each other all the time! It’s what daytime TV is actually based on.
6. Help Gran with her iPad so she doesn’t end up a global laughing stock.
7. Train Princess to do tricks so she can earn her own treats and her own money (I will take a percentage of the profits).
8. Go out of the house more to do ANYTHING that isn’t staying at home!
3.15 p.m.
Told Mum I was going to get out of the house more. Mum says I need a job, or how else am I going to pay for the cinema, clothes, mags, pizza, make-up— Er … CHRISTMAS MONEY OBVIOUSLY, MUM! And NO ONE can get a job. Adults are doing paper rounds!
5.23 p.m.
Gran rang. She came home last night dressed as George Michael. She doesn’t know who ended up in her Madonna costume. She says it was all much of a muchness in the ’80s.
S
ATURDAY 2
ND J
ANUARY
5.25 p.m.
Weirdo Jen turned up to see me today BUT she spent all her time with Keith! They had the best conversation ever about angels. Then Keith looked at Jen’s aura. Apparently we all have a colour around us that portrays our true nature. Only certain people can see them, “people with a third eye for the spiritual world” Keith says. Mum reckons it’s “people who believe in any old crap”.
Jen’s aura is apparently golden and connected.
If mine was a colour, it would be green – in the bad, JEALOUS way. Jen and Keith just get each other in a way … IN THE WAY KEITH AND ME SHOULD GET ON. It’s all seems so easy for them.
6.13 p.m.
Gran told Keith that his aura was actually coming out of his arse. Keith laughed at this but not in a nasty way. In a way that he sort of knew he sounded like a bit of a doughnut. Then he said, “Violet. Your aura is black. It’s as black as your roots used to be before they went white!” Gran death-stared him but didn’t reply! This made me giggle. Gran called me a Judas for laughing. I told her that he was just joking. Gran said, “You don’t joke about hair, Hattie. A woman’s hairdo is the embodiment of her very soul.”
6.53 p.m.
Gran went on eBay just to buy something in protest against Keith’s anti-shopping thing. She’s bidding on a Radley handbag.
Keith would actually probably approve – it’s second-hand! LOL!
7.17 p.m.
Gran has withdrawn the bid. She didn’t really want the bag. She just wanted to get at “that sanctimonious man”.
7.37 p.m.
I just looked up “sanctimonious”. It means a massive nagging bore-fest basically. That’s what Keith can be. But he can be really funny too. I think I might be getting him … a bit.
S
UNDAY 3
RD J
ANUARY
10.22 a.m.
OMG – MGK has FINALLY agreed to see Keith this afternoon. He will HATE her. She is Consumer Queen. Her aura actually lives in Topshop!
1.33 p.m.
He likes her.
Keith really likes her.
He says she has hidden depths.
What hidden depths?
1. She has FAKE Prada soap that Dimple (SUPER intelligent – knows everything) says is probably made by tiny children in sweatshops.
2. Her favourite programme is The Vampire Diaries NOT Countryfile!
3. She says real girls never fart and you can train your stomach to hold it in for days.
I can’t even bear the thought of going back to school with MGK there.
Keith obviously sees the good in everyone. This is annoying.
4.55 p.m.
UNBELIEVABLY MGK wants to see Keith AGAIN. WHY?! They have NOTHING in common. It’s like the queen going down the pub with the man who works in the kebab shop.
5.16 p.m.
Not that MGK is the queen.
5.35 p.m.
Keith would also be anti-kebab. He would say it would offend his inner lamb and probably his inner yoghurty dressing and pitta bread too.
That’s not fair. JEALOUS again. Am I actually the world’s most jealous person? Aquarians are not meant to be jealous! WHAT AM I? This whole Keith thing has made me wonder more about me than I ever have. It’s like everything I thought about me may be craptacular rubbish. WHO IS HATTIE MOORE? I cannot answer this question.
8.23 p.m.
Rob just came up and sat on the bed and said he’s noticed I’d been a bit “quiet”. I told him that honestly I was so confused that I actually couldn’t even explain it. Rob then started singing this bizarre song called “There Are More Questions Than Answers” and gave me a massive hug. He said, “Hattie – I can tell you who you are. You can’t cook, you can’t hoover properly and you keep missing the bit by the skirting boards … BUT you are great company. Why don’t you stop driving yourself mad up here in your bedroom and come to KFC with me? All things come in time.
Stop thinking, start doing and let’s get a Bargain Bucket!”
So we did. Rob may be the best person ever from Guyana and maybe the world. And everything feels better after chips and gravy.
Tomorrow I START DOING.
M
ONDAY 4
TH J
ANUARY
10.19 a.m.
Time to think about what Hattie Moore REALLY wants to do this year!
For SERIOUS LOVE you need to be full-on noticed. You need to be different yet true to yourself.
That’s why I’m totally taking the hem up on my school skirt. New school year – new shorter-skirt Hattie. No one here will notice but boys will! LOL!
1.32 p.m.
I think it looks OK. It goes slightly wonk-wonk in places but you can only see if you massively stare at it.
4.36 p.m.
Mum noticed immediately. She says it’s so uneven it looks like a flamenco dancer’s dress. She was PEEING herself laughing. She’s mended it.
I SWEAR she’s made it longer. Yes, I feel like a doughnut but at least I have DONE!
5.13 p.m.
How come Mum notices a hem but I can be in a bad mood for weeks and she never says a word?!
7.12 p.m.
Mum has told Gran I took the hem up on my skirt. Gran rang up to give me a lecture about it. She ended up going on about visiting the baker’s. Apparently, “The best cakes in the shop hide their filling. Only the cheap buns have their synthetic cream on show. Be a Victoria sponge, Hattie.”
What has this got to do with me showing off more actual leg?!
T
UESDAY 5
TH J
ANUARY
5.16 p.m.
TOTALLY annoying first day back at school.
MGK is talking about Keith (her “REAL dad”) like he actually HAS saved the planet! She says he is one of the world’s most important activists and has already played a “major part in saving lots of endangered species”. In reality he really only writes a blog that is read by about 20 people worldwide, MGK! He’s hardly on an actual Greenpeace boat saving things that need saving. PLUS Gran says that when he makes out he’s doing meditation he’s actually snoring. Gran said, “Hattie, I lived through the 1960s – there’s a deep spiritual trance and then there’s just being asleep.”
6.01 p.m.
Looking around there seems to be more adult nutters than ever before. Perhaps it’s a virus.
6.18 p.m.
Dimple told me that MGK is now officially telling people I’m her sister but “only vaguely”. Apparently MGK keeps saying “accidents do happen!” and laughing. MGK, YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT TOO!
I’ll never actually say that to her. I know what it’s like to be a deliberately on-purpose accident. I actually don’t want her to feel terrible.
OMG! I DO have Keith’s nice gene.
6.36 p.m.
Dimple says I’m just lovely. And mainly I always have been and what am I getting worked up about?
How do you explain to someone who knows where they come from that meeting the person you come from can be like putting your entire actual self in a massive fry-up?
Thinking too much again.
6.55 p.m.
Weirdo Jen says all the vegetarian food I’m eating is reducing my “natural aggressiveness”. Red meat makes you angry.
I might have a tin of ravioli to test that theory.
7.22 p.m.
I still don’t want to hurt MGK.
I might have a Chinese-style pork mini riblet to see if that really pushes my temper over the edge.
7.45 p.m.
I still feel calm. This must be a permanent personality change NOT a meat-based one!
9.22 p.m.
Gran just had a MAHOOSIVE freak-out at Keith about MGK. Gran was yelling at him, saying, “You were always impressed by pretty, shiny things with money! For all this ‘Save the world!’ crap you haven’t changed. You’re still impressed by money and you’re always out to get some without working!” Apparently Keith busks with a converted biscuit tin, does odd jobs and has a market stall when he “feels like” working. Gran started chanting, “Work-shy! Work-shy! Work-shy! Work-shy!”
Gran was doing ALL THIS after a cold beef-and-pickle sandwich! Jen is right! Meat does make you mental.
Keith was really calm and said Gran needed to keep up. He HAD changed. It was a shame that SHE was still the old judgemental woman of old who was worried what everybody else thought. Gran went loony and said, “You need not have flown to Australia! I would have kicked you up the arse there. Well – you’re missing out on some wonderful children!”
CHILD, Gran. CHILD! Nathan is not interested and MGK is not wonderful!
I think Keith HAS made an effort though. In his way. It’s a weird way.
God, I want to see Goose. I want to talk about all this with him.
W
EDNESDAY 6
TH J
ANUARY
4.56 p.m.
We had Personal and Social Education at school. We were talking about equal opportunities. It’s always about “Men versus Women” or “Black versus White”. What about “Fit versus Not Fit” or “Designer versus Primark”? That’s what is REALLY happening! Feminism doesn’t affect me! I want to be able to shave when I like!
6.39 p.m.
Gran just gave me the biggest lecture on women’s rights. She said, “Your generation don’t know they’re born. Feminism isn’t about having hairy legs! It’s about getting what we deserve! Being paid the same as a man, having the same opportunities as a man! Do you think that always happened?” Keith AGREED with her! “Your gran is right, Hattie. Women had to throw themselves in front of racehorses just to be able to vote!”
Why did they involve horses? Were they on the men’s side?
Gran told me not to be silly. “The point is YOUR generation has got to keep the fight up! Have respect for yourselves! Be independent. I protested for the likes of you!”
I asked Gran where she protested, when she protested and what about.
She really snapped back at me, “Well, I certainly felt strongly about it and shouted at the TV a lot!”
Gran is the sort of person who just presses the “like” button on Facebook and thinks that something magically changes. Her heart’s in the right place but her legs are usually on the sofa! LOL!
At least Keith DOES stuff.
Perhaps I do need to be more feminist though.
7.21 p.m.
I just told Rob that it was his turn to wash up. It wasn’t but he fell for it. I am an OFFICIAL feminist activist!
I’m still shaving though.
I’ve got to go round and see Goose. I can’t keep putting it off. I can’t not have him in my life – I just have to accept there are other boys who will fancy me and he is like a … boy that’s a girl. I’m just going to pretend he’s gay in my head.
8.56 p.m.
I finally got to see Goose tonight. He seemed a bit off with me at first but then the more we chatted, the more he was like my Goose again. He agrees with feminism. His mother, Donna, doesn’t – she says she doesn’t want to be equal with men. That would involve a step down. Donna ROCKS!
I’m seeing Goose after school on Friday to talk about EVERYTHING EVER. Dads. Feminism. And lizards.
And, PLEASE, THE FACT THAT HE LOVES ME LIKE A GIRLFRIEND!
No. No. No. He’s not interested. He’s my non-gay gay friend.
I can’t raise it with him EVER – he HAS to. That’s feminism. It’s not the man taking control. It’s the woman not doing the running as that’s a man’s job!
T
HURSDAY 7
TH J
ANUARY
10.15 p.m.
Or is that being pathetic?
What should girls actually do?!
I can’t risk feeling like a total dork like I did after “Gecko Night”.
F
RIDAY 8
TH J
ANUARY
9
.12 p.m.
Keith came over while me and Goose were having a Maccy D’s. He talked AT us for ages about fast food and how it was bad for you, cows and Mother Earth. Goose said, “I appreciate your views but I really like chicken nuggets – and Keith, what about your leather boots?” Keith said they were a by-product … of an already dead cow. Goose said chicken nuggets were a by-product too … of an already dead chicken!
I could have kissed Goose.
Actually I really massively could have FULL-ON kissed him HARD AND FOR AGES.
But all we had was a hug when he left. He patted my back. That’s not sexy. That’s like when you have a trapped burp.
After Goose went Keith said, “He seems like a lovely boy. I like people who challenge me. They help my spiritual growth.”
I said, “Yes – he’s nice.”
I was thinking, he’s lovely, he’s a geek, he’s HOT as the actual SUN or something you have microwaved for ages and forgotten about and I LOVE him.
