by Rae Earl
GRAN: Hattie – I’m nearly in my 70s and I’m still confused about men. WE ALL ARE! Even men are confused about themselves!
Then I heard that Gran was sniffing. I asked her if the film was upsetting. She said, “Yes, Hattie, and I’ve just found out that I should only wear pastel shades and camel-beige. I’m a BRIGHTS person. What’s wrong with orange?!”
Perhaps apps can tell the truth where humans can’t.
I’ve messed up.
He’s gone.
Goose is gone.
Got to get over it.
We can be friends. Now I need to find healing love.
WEDNESDAY 17TH FEBRUARY
11.03 a.m.
I have officially sent the word out via Dimple and Weirdo Jen that I’m available. There must be someone who fancies me. Even Dibbo Hannah has had more boyfriends than me!
11.16 a.m.
Is it feminist to just want a boyfriend?
11.37 a.m.
Weirdo Jen says just wanting any boyfriend could be seen as “a bit desperate”.
A BIT DESPERATE?! Hattie Moore is NOT desperate! I am my OWN woman!
11.57 a.m.
I have just been into Nathan’s room and ripped down his poster of some woman with massive mams wearing nearly nothing. That makes up for me being “a bit desperate”, Jen! I told Jen that I’d destroyed something sexist. Jen said it’s fine for a woman to feel comfortable in her own body. In fact there’s “not enough of it”.
I’m confused now. Are naked women wrong or not?
3.37 p.m.
Nathan wants to know where his poster is. I’ve hidden it in the recycling bin under 2 empty boxes of mango granola and Rob’s big posh newspaper. Health foods and something clever – Nathan will never find it!
4.38 p.m.
Nathan has found it and gone mental. I told Mum I was offended by it as a woman and that it encouraged me to think I needed a boob job. SHE WENT ON MY SIDE!!! FANTASTIC!
Dear Mum,
Some other things that make me want a boob job are:
• Not having any money.
• Not having enough clothes.
• School.
LOL!
THURSDAY 18TH FEBRUARY
12.59 p.m.
OMG – apparently there is a rumour going round that Simon McKinnon fancies me! Simon McKinnon is vaguely uncraptacular but a bit of a mega-brain goth.
4.53 p.m.
Rang Dimple to find out more about Simon but she was out with Bhavin. She’d told her parents that she was doing homework with me! I said, “Dimple, you need to TELL me things like this. What if your parents check and ring my house?!” Dimple just giggled and said, “Oh yeah! Sorry Hats. Listen, got to go. The Bhavster and me don’t have long. I told my parents I was asking you about a medicine through time project. See you soon.”
Medicine through time?! Dimple’s dad is a surgeon! Why would he believe that she’d need to ask ME about stuff like that?! Bhavin has made Dimple really do something thick. It’s like men completely snog the clever bit of your brain out!
FRIDAY 19TH FEBRUARY
10.47 a.m.
Goose confirmed that Simon McKinnon fancies me, though he says he’s a bit weird – in fact totally weird – and I should avoid him. Simon claims that he fixed his short-sightedness with the power of his own mind. Why would you bother doing that when there’s Specsavers?
Goose seemed a bit jealous that a tall man who may not have a gecko but wears really cool boots fancies ME. GOOD. Perhaps deep down I have not killed all his pash for me.
1.38 p.m.
Jen is officially jealous TOO that Simon McKinnon fancies me as all the emos AND goths think he is a hero. They think he has special powers!
I don’t believe this but I don’t care. I just want Simon to have SUPERHERO LOVE SNOG ABILITY!
1.56 p.m.
I am a total doughnut.
SATURDAY 20TH FEBRUARY
9.23 a.m.
Just thought! This Simon McKinnon rumour might spur Goose into action. If he thinks someone else likes me he might actually DO something and I may get some love action! Perhaps good goth love will AWAKEN the GOOSE!
He’d have to REALLY have superpowers though to spur Goose into ANYTHING!
SUNDAY 21ST FEBRUARY
4.38 p.m.
I went round to see Gran today to tell her that I had followed her advice. She said, “Hattie – it’s about time you entered the world of men, but don’t go the same way as your mother. Remember, if you stand up for nothing you’ll fall for anything.”
I assured Gran that I am not about to get pregnant by a boy called Keith who gets someone else pregnant at the same time!
Gran just said, “Good. Don’t!” Then she carried on playing “Candy Crush Saga” on her iPad.
She also told me that she’s decided to go to an art class tomorrow night as she feels she might have “hidden talents” and “needs to express herself”. I don’t think Gran has a problem with that! I don’t think Gran has EVER had a problem with that!
MONDAY 22ND FEBRUARY
9.02 p.m.
UNBELIEVABLE!
MATFIELD runs Gran’s new art class! SHE IS ALSO NICE to old people ALL the time! They even go to the pub for a drink afterwards! Over some gourmet beef-and-mustard crisps, Matfield told Gran that her CRAP stick men remind her of someone called “Lowry”!
9.21 p.m.
Just googled Lowry. He drew stick men! They are worth MILLIONS. This TOTALLY proves I have potential.
TUESDAY 23RD FEBRUARY
3.46 p.m.
There is now a MASSIVE rumour going around school about me and Simon McKinnon! Rebecca Pan has spread it that he fancies me and I’ve told her to spread it back that I like him. It’s only a matter of time.
7.08 p.m.
Just had a humongous argument with Gran about Matfield. Gran says, “The school needs a woman like that. You could all do with a bit of discipline – it’s not all hairspray and boys! Besides perhaps the woman has had a hard time in life, Hattie. You shouldn’t judge.” I yelled back at her, “We’ve all had a hard time, Gran! We do not all bully people about their collages!”
7.43 p.m.
OMG – I cannot believe Gran said “I shouldn’t judge”! Gran judges everyone and everything. She told a security guard in Primark to keep an eye on a woman once because she was walking “funny”. She wasn’t at all! Gran admitted she thought she was suspicious because she had “red shoes – the footwear of a born shoplifter”(?!).
WEDNESDAY 24TH FEBRUARY
4.12 p.m.
FINALLY!!!
Simon McKinnon has sent me a note with loads of fantastic REALLY good doodles scribbled all over it.
HATTIE!
LET ME TAKE YOU TO MY PLAIN! FRIDAY!
FLY WITH ME.
SX
OMG – PLAIN – private jet HERE I COME! I heard his parents were loaded.
4.26 p.m.
Jen says it means a SPIRITUAL PLAIN. That means you think the same thing.
5.38 p.m.
Wish it had been a plane. I don’t want to be shallow but that would probably have made me probably like him more.
THURSDAY 25TH FEBRUARY
4.25 p.m.
I have replied to Simon McKinnon. I just said “yes”. I didn’t do any drawing as I’m rubbish.
Jen is really acting strangely with me. It’s not my fault an emo does not attract a goth. Jen thinks I will have to go goth now. I asked for tips but she said it’s not something you can learn. It’s a state of being.
In my life one best friend is basically married. The other is getting cross that I might be.
6.26 p.m.
Jen texted. Apparently wearing black is a good start to being goth.
Like I didn’t know that.
7.03 p.m.
I still love Jen though.
DATE TOMORROW! I am wearing black. And more black.
FRIDAY 26TH FEBRUARY
10.11 p.m.
; I met Simon in the market place. We moved into Irongate where all the nice posh shops I can’t afford are. He pulled out a blanket from his rucksack and put it over a bench. He’d brought a picnic! People were walking by either taking the mickey (“Bloody freaks!”) or saying things like, “Ah! Young love!”
I couldn’t decide if it was magnificent or just TOTALLY OFF THE SCALE strange. We had this picnic by candlelight and he kept asking me questions like, “Do you like bands like Frank the Baptist, A Spectre Is Haunting Europe and Cinema Strange?”
Do I? I’d never heard of them but I said “yes”.
Then he said, “Do you believe in beings you can’t see but can feel?” When I asked him, “Do you mean like a cushion?” he said, “Sort of. They may be of comfort.”
Then we had this … actually I don’t know what it was! It was a sort of snog. I opened my eyes when we were kissing and he was staring at me. I shut my eyes quickly – but he SNOGS WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN. LIKE AN ALIVE ZOMBIE!
He eventually said, “Can I see you again?”
I think he can.
I don’t know WHAT to think!
10.54 p.m.
Just listened to a bit of A Spectre Is Haunting Europe. It’s just shouting noise.
11.38 p.m.
I can’t text Jen about this because it looks like I’m rubbing it in. Dimple is probably having a Messenger love fest with Bhavin whilst she pretends to do some homework.
The truth is, I’m on my own with a goth who wants me but listens to really dreadful music. I thought Gran had bad taste.
SATURDAY 27TH FEBRUARY
8.23 p.m.
I think it’s moving a bit too fast with Simon. He’s asked me to consider committing to him in the afterlife as well as this life. It’s apparently a goth thing.
Apparently he’s committed to other girls but on different levels of being.
I said, “You’re not a vampire, Simon”. He stared at me for ages and whispered, “No – but I exist on different levels!”
Dear Simon – I think I just like this level and this life!
SUNDAY 28TH FEBRUARY
7.47 p.m.
I met Simon again this afternoon. He kept making me listen to goth stuff on his iPod!
For the record I think New Days Delay and Scarlet’s Remains are AWFUL.
Honestly – I really just wanted a pizza and a DVD.
Then we had this conversation:
ME: Look, Simon, I don’t really think we are suited. Do you like Jen?
SIMON: Yeah – but I thought she was out of my league!
ME: No – she’s in your dark, semi-goth/emo league and she’d like to connect with you.
SIMON: Oh – you couldn’t arrange it, could you?!
ME: Er … yes.
I expected a BIT more of a fight!
So I sort of dumped Simon the King of Goths in a soggy field near some tennis courts.
“She’s out of my league.” Well, Simon, I don’t want to be IN your league.
8.09 p.m.
I have sorted out love for Jen. Dimple is having a secret relationship. But I am still SINGLE.
This is the price you pay for being a feminist woman of today who won’t compromise. You end up watching the MasterChef final alone in your bedroom.
And has Goose rushed forward with his undying love? No – he’s in his bedroom singing. I can’t hear what Gregg Wallace thinks about someone’s seared steak for the noise.
MONDAY 1ST MARCH
4.49 p.m.
TOTAL DEATH FROM RUMOUR!
It’s going round school that it’s ME who kisses with my eyes open. That’s down to MGK! I do not kiss with my eyes open! It’s Simon. I saw it with my own—
I can see their point now.
8.39 p.m.
Just had a shared homework night at Jen’s. We didn’t do any but we did talk ALL night about Simon McKinnon. His auntie has just died but he knows he will see her again in the next life. He’s told Jen he really likes her but he needs to look after his dad too as they are like best mates.
Jen thinks he is VERY sweet and she can’t wait to be with him more. I’ve warned her he kisses with his eyes open.
She snapped my head off: “That’s fine – so do you!”
9.15 p.m.
Gran came back from Matfield’s class with something she called a Mondrian. Matfield said Gran’s picture was a “fantastic example of simple yet effective and powerful self-expression”. They are TOTALLY just Lego blocks of colour, MATFIELD. If I did that you would say, “A 4-year-old could have done that – DETENTION!”
I am pretty fed up with everyone who has ever been in my life ever at the moment.
TUESDAY 2ND MARCH
5.28 p.m.
Came to see Gran after school and told her about Simon McKinnon’s dead auntie. Gran said, “Well, we’ve all got to go someday, Hattie.” Apparently Gran has Post-it notes under everything in her house so “people can work out what is theirs when I cark it”. OMG – that’s so WRONG.
6.09 p.m.
Just checked her wardrobe – there’s a Post-it note that says:
Clothes and bedroom furniture to charity.
Thank GOD.
6.16 p.m.
Just checked her awful cuckoo clock – it says, “Daughter” aka Mum. LOL!
6.34 p.m.
OMG – the stuff she has left me is vile!
It’s OK though because Gran isn’t going to die for years!
WEDNESDAY 3RD MARCH
5.20 p.m.
Jen has been asked out by Simon McKinnon. I am officially Cupid! They can talk about Frank the Baptist and dead people together.
6.14 p.m.
Texted Jen tonight but she was too busy to talk. Dimple thinks Jen and Simon McKinnon could end up getting married they are so similar.
7.25 p.m.
OMG – has Jen checked that she isn’t actually related to him? I’m living proof you can be related to anyone!
THURSDAY 4TH MARCH
3.40 p.m.
Jen has become a bit of an It girl at school because of her HOT relationship. Serious boyfriends mean serious popularity and she is getting it. Apparently it’s so serious that Simon McKinnon has given up all other life forms on all other universes and committed to hers.
If an alien has more than 1 tongue – how do you kiss it?
4.02 p.m.
LOL! Mum says “with difficulty”!
4.11 p.m.
Since when is my mum funny?! Perhaps it’s because we are getting closer in age that I understand her humour more.
5.19 p.m.
OMG – we are NOT getting closer in age. I’m getting older! So is Mum!
I’m convinced lack of love and pash is turning me really stupid.
Dentist tomorrow. Please take the braces OFF.
FRIDAY 5TH MARCH
7.12 p.m.
My mad dentist has left. He has been replaced by Mr Winkler, who is German. He told me I have to keep my brace on for another 6 months. Apparently there’s no point asking for a second opinion as it’s “expensive”! Also because of his accent he said I should not “viggle” my electric toothbrush when I clean my teeth – I need to glide. When I started laughing he said, “I know I say it a bit funny but please don’t laugh at my English, Hattie.” He winked though so he’s actually totally fine with me taking the mickey.
So no “viggling” or giggling – just more braces!
He was a brilliant dentist though – I didn’t feel anything. Not like the one before. Mr Winkler had all his certificates on the wall. I wonder if the other one was an actual proper dentist? He just had a poster of a cartoon crocodile with big teeth on HIS wall!
7.36 p.m.
OMG – MGK has started hanging around Jen. Dimple and me are totally freaked out by this. What if she turns all MGK? She’s got all our secrets. It would be like her joining a terrorist group!
8.04 p.m.
Actually not really.
8.49 p.m.
No w
ay will Jen embrace FULL-ON MGK-ness – she’s too emo and weird and basically wonderful.
SATURDAY 6TH MARCH
4.03 p.m.
Jen spent 12 minutes with MGK today getting boyfriend tips. Stuff like how to “keep your man interested” and “drive him wild”. Jen already knows all this – it involves twisting a lock of your hair with his and putting a stone you’ve warmed in his bag. Jen says it never fails.
7.15 p.m.
