by Tania Joyce
“I know. He told me. I’m only looking out for you.” Nick smiled innocently as he picked up Jessica’s bag and walked with her to the cabin. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. I have to go and bring up some more firewood for the cabins. Catch you later.” Nick strode off toward the sheds, whistling as he went.
* * *
In the evening, Jessica couldn’t wait for Troy to return any longer. Her belly was grumbling with hunger and she didn’t want to stay in her cabin and think about all the other loved up neighboring couples. So she headed off to have dinner at Harrigan’s, the only pub in the district. She bound up the steps and into the restaurant shortly after eight o’clock. The log fire in its hearth burned brightly, sending warmth across the room and making the stone-walled venue feel cozy and inviting. Music from the band drowned out the sound of the football screening on several televisions mounted from the ceiling. The smell of beer intermingled with the aroma of roasting dinners wafting from the kitchen made Jessica’s mouth water. She found a spare table, then ordered a steak and a nice glass of local red wine.
The meal was filling, and she was about to swig down the last mouthful of her wine when she saw Troy walk through the door. Her grip tightened around the thin stem of her glass. Goddamnit! She didn’t want to meet him here. She wasn’t sure if she could keep her mammoth load of emotions under control in public.
But then again, maybe a chat over a drink would help keep her calm, and be a good way to confront him once and for all.
Troy lumbered over to the bar and leaned on it, resting one boot on the foot rail. He was wrapped up in his moleskin coat, faded blue jeans snugged firmly around his sturdy legs. He ordered a drink and took a few sips of his beer as he talked to the barman. Jessica watched him as he slowly turned around and surveyed the pub. Then his eyes found her.
His face lit up at the sight of her and he made his way over to her table. “Hi. I’m surprised to see you here. May I join you for a drink, or are you going to run away on me again?”
Jessica sneered at him. Remember—I’m here to talk to him. “No. I’m not going to run away.” Another drink might take the edge off everything that was bottled up inside.
“What can I get you?”
“Shiraz, please.”
Her eyes followed him as he went to the bar and bought her a glass of wine, and then returned to the table. His appearance hadn’t changed much in twenty years, was just a little more weathered, with creases touching the corners of his eyes. But Jessica couldn’t stop herself from scrutinizing his every move. Would he show any remorse for what he’d done to her?
“Jess, you look amazing,” said Troy, after he’d sat down. “Still beautiful, even though twenty years has passed under our belts. Even if the ol’ belt is a few notches wider—on mine anyway.” He chuckled as he pulled his chair in closer to the table. “So, give me the speed dating version, what’s been happening for the past twenty years?”
Jessica was startled by his approach. But that was the Troy she remembered. Just give me the facts, not the bullshit. Okay, if that was how he wanted to play, she’d go along with it for now.
“I run a marketing and events management company in Sydney,” she began. “I was married, but that ended about two years ago. And of course, I have one child …” She paused, waiting to gauge Troy’s reaction.
Nothing.
Troy seemed undeterred. “Wow. Me—I’ve been in the States until about six months ago. I was married and lived in Texas for ten years. My last stint was in the Napa Valley before finally deciding to come back home.”
Jessica took in what he was saying. But with every word, she felt her eyes narrow into tiny slits. She wished they were daggers. Her throat started to burn as she withheld a scream. How could he be so heartless and not ask about his son? Had he forgotten? How could he be such an asshole?
The music changed to an old time classic, ‘Love Is All Around Us’ by Wet Wet Wet. A couple of locals swayed in time on the small dance floor.
Troy smiled. “Do you remember this song from high school? It was such a hit. Come and have a dance for old times’ sake.” He held out his hand.
Jessica stared at him in disbelief. Was he for real? Troy ignored her shock. He hooked his palm underneath her arm and dragged her to the floor. He swung her around effortlessly and then held her gently in his strong arms. She couldn’t believe she allowed him to do this without causing a scene. But then he looked into her eyes. The pain that swelled in her chest was almost too hard to bear.
“Jess, it’s been so long. Of all the places on the planet, I run into you at Gumtrees.”
“Of all places.” She barely managed a whisper. The bewilderment she felt with Troy standing here before her started to crack through her tough exterior. She felt a tear fall from the corner of her eye.
“Jess, what’s wrong?”
“I … I can’t do this.” She was at breaking point. “I can’t be all nice and pretend as if nothing happened. I gotta get out of here.” She turned on her heels, grabbed her bag from the chair and ran as fast as her legs could carry her out through the door.
She sprinted across the bitumen parking lot. Her hands trembled uncontrollably—in fact her whole body did as she tried to find the car keys deep in her jacket pocket. The cold night air stung against her face and her fingers would not cooperate. Tears rolled down her face and her breath misted in the air. She wanted to get away from here as soon as possible. Come on, Goddamn it! She cursed as the keys caught on threads.
Troy raced out the pub door a few seconds behind her. “Jess? Did I do something wrong? What’s going on?”
“Everything’s wrong. You’re wrong, you heartless son of a bitch. Even after all this time you don’t care,” she cried.
“About what?” He raked his hands through his sandy blond hair. “Is this about us twenty years ago? I didn’t know you felt so strongly about me back then. You were only sixteen. Things changed so much when I went overseas.”
“This isn’t about me, you fool,” Jessica blurted. “I can’t believe you don’t even have the common courtesy to ask how he is or how he’s doing. What is with you? Do you have no soul?” Her blood boiled in her veins as she tried to control her anger.
“Jess, you’re sounding like a crazy person. What are you talking about?” He held his palms out as if in surrender.
“Conner.”
“Who’s Conner?” Troy asked, exasperated.
Jessica gasped in disbelief. Pain stabbed her chest like he was ripping her heart out with his bare hands. “Conner. My son … Your son … Our son.”
Troy stopped in his tracks as if struck by a taser. He stumbled and took a step back, leaning on the car next to him to steady himself. The color appeared to drain away from his face. “What are you talking about?”
“Conner,” Jessica said plainly. “I just want to know why you never came back? Why you never had the decency to even call me?”
“Jess, this doesn’t make sense. Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“How could I joke about something like this? Conner was born nine months after you left.”
Troy ran his hands across his face. “I didn’t know.”
“But … I sent letters. So many letters. What happened to them?” She could see the anguish in his eyes as his shoulders slouched.
“Nicola. I can only assume my wife back then, hid, or more likely destroyed them. I never found anything like that in her belongings. Jess, she wasn’t well. It took a long time for her family and I to realize she suffered from mental illness.”
Jessica had not expected this at all. She was finding it hard to fathom. She’d thought he was a cold-hearted prick for so long. Now, to be standing in front of him as he heard the news for the first time had her mind wheeling out of control. It was gut-wrenching to see Troy crumbling to pieces before her.
Troy had tears in his eyes as he stepped closer and hugged her tightly. Jessica was dumbfounded and stood there frozen, unable to hug him in ret
urn. This was not how she had envisioned this reunion.
He took a step back and wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his coat. “Jess … all this time. I … I have a son …? With you?”
She clenched her arms around herself and looked away from him to avoid his eyes. Those eyes.
“Yes you do. I know there are so many questions and things to discuss, but I’m exhausted. It’s late and I’m freezing cold. Can we please call it a night and talk in the morning over breakfast?” She needed a breather. A timeout to process everything.
“But I need to know everything.”
The desperation in his tone was tearing at her heart.
“And you will. But please, let’s talk tomorrow.”
Troy didn’t look too happy with the idea but nodded in agreement. “Okay. Will you come to the restaurant ’round seven o’clock?”
“Sure. See you then.” She turned and hopped into her car. She forced a smile at him and drove off, leaving Troy standing shell-shocked in the center of the parking lot.
She’d dropped a bomb of information on him, now she had to prepare for the aftermath.
* * *
Jessica woke after another restless night’s sleep. The look on Troy’s face when she’d told him haunted her all night. He didn’t know about Conner? Even after all her efforts? She dressed and headed across the driveway toward the restaurant. She looked out over the valley where the fog hung low. The sky was the color of lead and the blackened vine tendrils spread out across the hills, giving a sad, gloomy feel to the morning. It matched Jessica’s mood perfectly.
Quickening her pace to get out of the cold, she walked up the steps into the dining area. The place was vacant except for Troy sitting at a table by the window with tea in hand, staring out across the paddocks.
“Morning,” Jessica said quietly so as not to startle him.
“Hey.” He stood and pulled out a chair for her. “What can I get you? Coffee, tea, food?”
“Tea to start with. White please. And what’s Marie cooking this morning? Bacon and eggs would be good.”
Troy walked out to the kitchen to confer with Marie. He returned with an oversized red mug. Steam rose from it and the aroma of tea filled the air. As he sat, Jessica noticed his eyes were red. It looked like he hadn’t slept at all last night.
“So, how’re you doing?” Jessica asked as she slowly stirred her tea.
“I don’t know where to begin.” Troy’s shoulders hung low as he slouched over his own mug. “It’s like I’m in some sort of surreal dream. Here I was expecting to have a catch up over a drink and reminisce about the good old days of high school, not find out I had a son.”
“I still can’t comprehend that you didn’t know about Conner.”
Troy winced. “The letters you say you sent, I’m convinced Nicola would have done everything possible to get rid of them. Maybe she read them and knew about Conner. She always threatened to hurt herself if I left. At first, when I met her, I thought it was a joke—part of her quirky humor, but then it got serious when she started self-harming. I can only imagine how intimidated she was by my ex-girlfriend back home.”
Well, I wasn’t your ex when you left, Jessica thought. But she could see the pain in Troy’s eyes as he talked about his wife. “I’m sorry to hear she wasn’t well.”
“I remember when I left I got so wrapped up in the excitement of traveling. I met Nicola on New Year’s and everything changed. I fell for her straight away. I wound up at her parents’ cattle ranch and picked up work. I married her when I was twenty-one and we had a few good years before she grew more unstable.” He paused and looked away like he was struggling with his memories. “She died in a car crash one day on her way into town. I’m still not convinced it was an accident.”
Whoa! Jessica stopped with her tea halfway to her lips. She wasn’t expecting Nicola to be dead. Locked away in a mental institution maybe, but not dead.
“When was the accident?”
“Just over six years ago.”
“Do you have any children?”
Troy shook his head. “No. She never wanted kids.” Jessica watched him closely as he sipped his drink. “After she died, I wanted to come home. It just took a lot longer than I thought. Mom had moved to Newcastle shortly after I left, but she died from ovarian cancer when I was twenty-six.”
Jessica felt her heart lurch painfully within her chest. She’d really liked his mom. She was a dedicated nurse, she did yoga before yoga was cool and she never seemed worried about not having a man in her life.
Troy moved around, looking uncomfortable in his chair. “Did … did she know? About Conner?”
Jessica shook her head and explained the whole fiasco of her parents moving her to Melbourne and how hard it had been trying to track him down.
Marie interrupted their conversation when she brought out plates of steaming hot food. She gave them both warm smiles and left quickly back for the kitchen.
“Conner. Please tell me about him?” Troy pleaded.
Jessica took a mouthful of scrambled eggs, not really knowing where to begin. “He was born on July twenty-fifth and turns twenty next month. He likes his sport. He was good at school and loves the outdoors.” It dawned on Jessica just how similar Conner was to Troy in his younger days. “He’s now studying architecture at university and lives with a friend near campus.”
Jessica took a moment to butter her toast. What else should she tell Troy? Should she talk about the good times—Conner’s first steps, school days, holidays or birthdays? What about the bad times—not knowing where Troy was, the tantrums Conner could throw when he was young, or how he hated to eat pumpkin? She took a bite of her toast as she sifted through the thousands of stories rattling around inside her head.
“Conner was a good kid,” she said when she’d finished her mouthful. “And I think he’s grown up to be a decent young man. Graeme, my ex, was a great father and still is. Troy, you have to understand, I thought you left me and wanted nothing to do with Conner. He’s never wanted to know you, or find you, for that matter.”
“I realize I can’t turn back the clock, but I never would have left you and our son if I’d known. Things would’ve been so different.”
“Yeah, well they aren’t.” The memory of the two of them doing it in the park the night before he left flashed through Jessica’s mind. All so long ago. “You broke my heart. I never thought it would heal. But it did with time.”
“I’m sorry. Believe me. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for not contacting you. I feel worse than shit, Jess.”
“You look it, too.”
“Thanks for that.” He smirked. “Do you have a photo of him? Of Conner?”
Jessica pulled out her phone from her jacket pocket and scrolled through her photos. “Here. This is Conner at Easter time with his girlfriend, Becky.”
Troy held the phone in his hands and a tear escaped from his eye. He quickly wiped it away.
“He has your eyes, Troy,” she said. “Every day of my life I thought of you and couldn’t understand how you could not want to be part of his life. He’s such a wonderful kid.”
Troy straightened his shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. “When can I meet him?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to him—”
“I’d appreciate that. God, Jess! I want to meet my son.”
Chapter 8
On the long drive back to the city, Jessica’s fingers tapped nervously on the steering wheel while she processed her thoughts. How the hell was she supposed to tell Conner? How did one approach such a conversation?
Hey Conner, your dad’s turned up out of the blue.
Conner, your biological father wants to meet you.
Hey—you wouldn’t believe it, but guess who I ran into today?
All of them sounded crazy. The very essence of it all still shocked her to the bone.
Jessica couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer. Her fingers shook as she found Conner’s num
ber on her phone and hit dial on the Bluetooth connection.
“S’up,” Conner said as he answered the phone.
“Hey.” Jessica felt a cold sweat break out on her brow. “How’s my boy doing?”
“Studying hard. Two more exams to go until the midyear break,” Conner mumbled.
Jessica could hear a crunching noise through the line, like he was munching on potato chips. Music was playing in the background and several loud voices were shrieking with excitement. It didn’t sound like much studying was getting done. She smiled to herself, secretly glad her son was having fun with friends. She had missed out on all the young adult years of going out, drinking and attending football games. Rather than going to friends’ parties, she’d fed her baby his bottles and changed his diapers.
“I need to talk to you about something important that’s come up,” she said. “It’s urgent. Can I swing on by your apartment?” She struggled to keep her voice steady.
“Um, now?” Conner hesitated. “Can I meet you somewhere instead? How about at Pepe’s Pizza on the corner for dinner? It’s just that … the apartment’s a mess.”
“Studying, right?” Jessica knew perfectly well that his mates were over drinking and watching football. “No worries, I’ll meet you there in an hour.”
* * *
Pepe’s Pizza was warm and inviting on a cold Sunday evening. Half of the restaurant was full of families having early dinners with their young children. Italian opera music hummed from the sound system a little too loudly for Jessica’s liking. She realized she was famished as the aromas of garlic, parmesan and pepperoni wafted from the wood-fire ovens. She took a seat near the window at a table covered in a red-and-white checked tablecloth. She’d started to check her emails and messages on her phone when she looked up and saw Conner bounding through the door.
Jessica couldn’t help but admire how handsome her son was. She even noticed a group of teenage girls at a table gawk and giggle at seeing him. His bronzed skin set off his amazing blue eyes—just like his father’s. He dressed well, compared with many of his friends, looking quite the catch in designer jeans and woolen sweater. After spending time with Troy this weekend, she was astounded by how much Conner resembled his father.
