by Soraya Lane
And now she could cause someone else’s heartbreak. If Sam’s wife found out? She’d be the one biting back tears, trying to decide if she was strong enough to leave a man she loved, just as Mia’s mother had. That beautiful, sweet woman back there had been so kind, not having any idea why Mia had turned up on her doorstep, what she’d done with her husband.
Mia gasped, the noise catching in her throat and bringing another big sob. It wasn’t fair. She pulled over, stopping her car on the side of the road and slamming it into park. She let the tears fall, sobbed silently, slumped against her steering wheel as she cursed Sam with every bone in her body. Except for her heart. Her heart was too busy despairing, the pain inside of her so deep. How could she have let this happen? Had she been so intent on having fun, on playing along with a no-strings affair, that she’d somehow missed the warning signs?
She cried a few minutes longer, let herself wallow and hate and be miserable, and then she reached to open her glove box and pull out some tissues. She was better than this. She was strong and she wasn’t going to let a man break her. Sam was a lying bastard, and she couldn’t let herself cry over him or mourn him, because he’d never truly been hers in the first place.
Mia dried her eyes, glanced up to check how puffy and red they were in her mirror, and decided she didn’t give a damn. She had a long drive home, then she needed to prepare to hit the road. She had her next out of town competition in two days’ time, and she was more determined than ever to win now. Nothing was going to stop her proving herself and making it to the top. Nothing and no one.
He’d already ripped her heart out when he’d walked away from her. The stone-cold look of his gaze, the downturn of his mouth as he backed away like he was edging away from a fire; they should have been clues enough that he wasn’t interested in her the same way she was in him. Instead she’d shown up, hat in hand, wanting to see if she was wrong, to give him another chance. Wanting to see if she’d been wrong, if something else had been hurting him, trusting her instincts, instincts that had been so, so wrong. She would never make that mistake again. Never.
* * *
Sam waved to the crowd as he left the ring, knowing they were all there for him and that they deserved everything he could give them. But he just wasn’t feeling it today, and his performance had showed that. He was tired of doing the same thing, he was tired of answering the same questions and smiling at people who wanted more from him than he could give. And he was tired of feeling like a jerk.
When he’d walked out on Mia, he’d thought it was his only option. He’d panicked. She’d said the one word that terrified him, that he refused to accept or say in return, and she’d gone back on everything they’d agreed on. But what she’d said as he’d walked out had haunted him, every day and every damn night when he was lying awake desperately wanting to fall asleep. Her words still curled around him when he was least expecting it, washing over him, making him feel like the biggest asshole on the planet, even three weeks later.
“Are you telling me you don’t have any feelings for me?”
He forced a smile as some young fans came racing up to him, ducking beneath the ropes that kept him from the public as he left the venue. Sam stopped and bent to sign their books, ruffling heads and winking. He wasn’t hanging around for long after this one, but he wasn’t so much of a jerk that he wouldn’t stop to sign a book for some kids.
He grimaced as he returned to the stables to get his things, words echoing in his head, Mia’s face, her big eyes and downturned mouth, telling her just how much he’d hurt her. He was an A-grade jerk where she was concerned, and he fucking hated himself for it.
“I love you.”
Sam suppressed the bear’s bellow that was buried inside of him and stalked off to his horse truck. He’d brought two of his own horses for this exhibition, and he needed to load them and get back on the road again. He wasn’t overnighting, not here and not anywhere.
He owed Mia an apology, a damn big one, but he wasn’t going to give it to her. She was better off without him, and the more she hated him, then the easier it would make it for him to stay away. There were so many things unsaid between them, so many things he wished he could explain.
But there were reasons he didn’t get close to anyone, multiple reasons. He’d done the right thing, it just didn’t feel that way. Yet.
* * *
Sam stretched, smiling at the sensation of something warm against his face. He turned, slowly opening his eyes, ready to kiss … dammit! He pushed Blue away, wiping at his cheek and grimacing.
“How many times do I have to tell you not to lick me when I’m sleeping?” Sam muttered. “And off the bed!”
Blue obliged, disappearing from his room and leaving him to lie on his own. He’d been dreaming about Mia. Of course he’d been dreaming about Mia. Now that he wasn’t with her, she was the only thing he couldn’t stop thinking about.
“Morning!”
Sam groaned and pushed the covers back, deciding he might as well rise. His sister had been staying over while he was gone, and he was fairly certain there was no chance of sleeping in. The girls would either be awake or ready to wake, and he could do with a coffee before morphing into uncle mode for the day.
“Morning,” he called back through the open door, guessing Faith was in the kitchen. He pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and ran a hand through his hair.
“How was it?” she asked.
He shrugged, walking barefoot over to the coffee machine to see if it had any water in it. One of the first expensive purchases he’d made for the house was a coffee machine; he’d always joked that he needed an intravenous line with coffee in it, and he’d worked the thing to death since the day it arrived.
“Fine. How about you? What’s new?”
Sam held up a coffee cup and Faith nodded, so he made her one before doing his own. He passed hers over and nudged the sugar bowl in her direction.
“I’m looking forward to Nate coming home,” she said. “It’s tough looking after the girls without him, and he’s never been away from us this long.”
Sam sat down at the counter, toes curled against the cool metal of the barstools. “He’s still arriving home this afternoon?”
“Sure is. He’s coming to get us on his way through.” She laughed and leaned across the counter, resting on her elbows, cup between her palms. “It was nice staying here though. I think I’d make a good pet-sitter.”
Sam chuckled. “Yeah, I’ll keep you on.” Faith was usually great at coming by while he was away for longer periods, making sure the ranch hands were doing their jobs, but this time she’d asked him if she could stay and keep an eye on the mare who was due to foal. He’d promised Faith the foal for herself, since it was from one of his favorite mares, and he’d never seen his sister so excited about a horse before.
Faith usually spent her time at his place bugging him about his lack of an art collection, always pushing her personal passion on him, but today she was giving him a look he couldn’t decipher. He wasn’t even aware any of those existed, given how good he’d become at reading her over the years.
“What’s up?” he asked. “Shoot.”
“A woman came by yesterday,” she said, sipping her coffee and clearly pretending it wasn’t a big deal. “She didn’t want to leave a message but—”
Sam sat up straighter. “What?” he asked. “Who was it? What did she look like?”
Faith shrugged. “I thought it might have been Mia,” she said. “Long blonde hair, blue eyes that looked wide as saucers when she saw me, and she drove a new-looking Mercedes. The 4×4 kind.”
Sam slumped down again, staring into his coffee. What had Mia been doing here? It could have been someone else but the description was bang on and he doubted another woman would have come looking for him.
“So was it her?”
He nodded. “She fits the bill.” He knew without a doubt that it was Mia, but he wasn’t going into details with his sister. Faith had already
done her best to get information out of him, but he wasn’t going there, not even with her.
“What happened with Mia? I mean, she looked kind of sad. I thought you liked her?” Faith sighed. “Come on, Sam, you can’t keep blocking me when I ask you about her. Nate thought you were really into her.”
“I was.” He wasn’t going to bother lying, not to Faith. Besides, if he answered her it stopped her talking.
“So why the sad face? What happened between you two?”
He sighed, swallowing the rest of his coffee before answering. “How about none of your business?”
She glared at him, hand on hip as she stood up. “Give me a break,” Faith snapped. “You’re all kinds of my business. I don’t take that kind of bullshit from Nate and I’m not taking it from you.”
Sam glared straight back at her, but he knew she was right. She was his sister, and if anyone deserved to know why he’d been walking around like some kind of cartoon character with a permanent grey cloud hanging over him, it was her. “We were casual, it was nothing serious. And before you say anything, we both agreed on those terms before anything happened, so don’t go thinking I’m a jerk.”
She gave him a look. A fierce one at that. “Why?”
“For Pete’s sake, Faith. I don’t want to talk about it. How many ways can I say that to you? Give me a goddamn break!”
She threw her hands up in the air. “How about you give it a break. You’re the one holding on to the past and letting what happened choke you from ever being happy. And don’t you ever speak to me like that.” She was furious, her eyes flashing. “And before you say it, I was there for you, I’ve seen you at your worst, so don’t go thinking you have to be some big strong, macho guy all the time for me to respect you. You should know better than that.”
He stayed calm, clenched his jaw and stared at his sister before answering. “I’m happy,” he said through gritted teeth, trying not to flare up. “I’m not on some mission to be miserable.”
“If you’re comparing yourself to the Grinch, then sure, you’re happy,” she said, her tone laced with sarcasm. “But seriously, you need to get over the past and give yourself a chance to be happy. Truly happy, Sam.”
Sam bit his tongue. He wasn’t going to fight with his sister, not over this, especially when he’d never even told her all the details about his ex. Maybe Nate had told her, but he doubted his friend would share his secrets, even with his wife. “It just wasn’t meant to be. Now can we move on and talk about something else, or are we going to be stuck on this all day?”
She gave him a long, serious look, before shrugging and turning back around to whatever she’d been doing before he’d come into the kitchen. “Fine. But if I see you looking like a lovesick puppy next week still? I’ll be like a dog with a bone.”
Sam gave her a wink and walked his cup back to the coffee machine. He was desperately in need of more before he went out to feed the horses.
“Uh-uh,” she said, whisking the cup away. “Too much caffeine is bad for you. You’ll never get a decent sleep if you keep drinking that much.”
He let her go, reaching for another cup from the overhead cupboard. “First of all, it’s morning so I’m not worried about bedtime right now, and second, I drink it because I don’t sleep. I’d be a dead man walking otherwise.” He grimaced. “And you’re not my mother, so lay off.”
One of his nieces cried out then and Sam took his chance to make himself another quick coffee and head outside while Faith was distracted. He loved spending time with his sister, but she needed to back off. He wasn’t a child, he wasn’t going to fall for anyone, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to change his mind about Mia. He couldn’t. She had so much to give, and he had nothing. Not anymore.
And maybe not ever.
Blue walked at his heel, and he pulled on his boots and walked out into the fresh morning air. He was greeted by a chorus of neighs, his equine friends all noticing him the moment he moved near them.
For a brief moment, he wondered what Mia was doing. Whether she was feeding out in her stable block, saddling up already for her first ride of the day, or stretching out in bed after a sleep in. That was the mental picture he’d never been able to erase, her lying in bed, soft cotton sheets all rumpled around her, hair mussed up and tousled around her face, and that beautiful body that always seemed to hum for him.
“Come on, Blue,” he murmured.
Blue whined, like he knew what he was thinking about.
“You saw her the other day, didn’t you? Bet you miss her like crazy too.” Sam dropped a hand to his dog’s head for a second then strode on down to the hay shed. He was glad he hadn’t seen her, because keeping his distance was one thing, but looking her in the eye and lying again was a whole other skill set entirely, one he didn’t think he had. Or ever would.
In a few days he would be off on tour again. Part of him wanted to stay at home and do nothing, wallow, spend time with his own horses. But the other part of him wanted to get away, to stop overthinking everything and questioning his decisions. Besides, the money was good. Once he did this, he wouldn’t have to work again for the rest of the year. Perhaps even the next year.
Blue whined and he looked down at his dog, sitting faithfully beside him, head cocked, eyes so intense like he was trying to tell him something.
“You think I’m a dumb idiot, don’t you?” he asked.
Blue made a whining noise again and Sam nodded. “Yeah, I know. And I’m a jerk for leaving you again. But Faith will take good care of you.”
His sister would be gone soon, back home with Nate, and he needed to touch base with the house sitter he used when he was gone for longer periods. She was good with the horses and she’d be the one in charge of monitoring the foal alarm fitted to his mares. This time of year was always the hardest to leave the ranch, even though he had good people working for him.
His thoughts turned to Mia again even though he was trying so hard to keep her out of his head. Maybe he should have been to see her, to explain himself, but would it have made her hurt any less? Would it have made what happened between them any easier? He doubted it. And his gut told him to leave her the hell alone. She didn’t need to deal with him and the shit storm of pain that came with him.
Chapter 20
MIA pulled her mare up, checked her and stopped her from racing forward.
“Whoa girl, nice and steady,” she murmured, holding the reins tight then releasing as Indi lifted up, hooves tucked up neatly as she soared through the air. They landed with a soft thud, clearing the jump easily. They were half way through the course now and they were making great time.
Mia swallowed hard as they turned sharply and raced toward the next fence. Her stomach was churning, nausea making it hard to concentrate, but she refused to give in. She was here to win, and nothing was going to stop her. Nothing.
Indi was going too fast and she slowed her for the last two strides before letting her do her thing without interfering. They cleared the next one easily, and then the next, until there were only three to go. Mia gagged, bile rising in her throat.
“Dammit,” she swore, riding hard, focusing on her horse, only wanting to think about the stretch and pull of horse muscle beneath her, the power of Indi as she pushed off from the grass. Mia cringed, hearing a knock, but when she glanced back she saw the rail had only rattled and hadn’t fallen.
“Two more to go,” she whispered. “We can do this!”
She pushed her on, cantering fast, soaring over one and then the other. But instead of fist pumping the air and letting her mare enjoy the applause and show off, snorting with her tail in the air, Mia rode straight for the exit. She slowed to a trot and her stomach settled a little, but she didn’t feel great. Where was Tanner? She knew he’d been here, he’d come to see her earlier and help her get her team ready, but … there he was. Talking up a pretty brunette, leaning in, all charming as usual.
“Tanner!” she called out, riding toward him, dismounting
when she reached the crowd and pushing through. “Tanner!”
He looked up, smiling until he saw the look on her face and strode toward her. “What is it?” he asked, concern etched on his face.
“Take her,” Mia managed, thrusting the reins at him and undoing her helmet strap. She tucked her whip under her arm and ran, sprinting for her horse truck. She could see it, the big black horse design on the side. She reached it and ran around the back, bending over just in time, out of sight from prying eyes as she retched and retched, her stomach heaving.
Mia finally stood up, leaning against the truck, hand on her stomach. What had she eaten? What was going on?
“Mia?”
She heard Tanner’s deep voice and she wiped at her mouth, stomach still tender. “Hey, I’m just around here.”
“What happened?” he asked. “Everything okay?”
“It’s just my stomach. I don’t know what’s going on.” She leaned back against the truck again as Tanner stood with her horse. She was feeling light-headed now, like she could faint. “Must have been dinner last night. I wonder if anyone else is sick?”
He frowned. “You sure that’s all it is? You haven’t seemed yourself lately.”
“That why you decided to come watch me today? You felt sorry for me?”
Tanner gave her a steely stare. “I’m your brother. I might be a dick a lot of the time, but I know when my little sister needs some company. Besides, you looked like shit yesterday. Maybe you’re coming down with something?”
She rolled her eyes then laughed at herself. She was behaving like a child and Tanner was only trying to be nice. “Thanks for the compliment. Nothing better than someone noticing the dark rings under your eyes.”
