Lost Soul (War of Destiny Book 1)

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  Mary Anne and Sharon were asleep. Samuel was sitting beside Christy’s bed. There was only one candle lit, all the way across the room. Where Samuel was sitting was still almost entirely in darkness. I could barely see him, even with my vampire-keen eyesight.

  “Julia. Hello. What is the matter?” he asked upon seeing my face. “Come in.”

  I opened the door further and slipped inside. My hands trembled as I closed it. I turned towards him, shaking with emotion, my arms pulled tightly across my chest.

  “Samuel . . . I . . . something —”

  Samuel slowly rose and walked to me. Concern flooded his face. “Julia, you are trembling. Did something happen?”

  “Aye, just a few minutes ago,” I mumbled, hesitating. “I do not want to bother —”

  “You are not bothering me, Julia. Tell me what happened, please. Let me help you,” he pleaded.

  I looked away. “Samuel, I thought I had gotten over everything!” I cried out in frustration. I looked back at him.

  Understanding crossed his face. “Did something bring back sad memories, Julia? A dream perhaps?”

  My gaze wandered, finally fixing on the wall. “It wasn’t a dream, but it was unintentional.”

  “Of course it was. What happened?”

  In a rush, I told him what had happened. He was silent until I had finished. I was still shaking uncontrollably.

  “I just thought this wouldn’t happen anymore.”

  “Julia,” Samuel murmured, gently touching my shoulder. “I told you you would not be able to forget. But you do not always have to be reminded.”

  “What makes you say that? He lifts an open hand towards me tenderly and I become afraid of him!”

  What was wrong with me? I loved Adam, but it seemed as if every movement he made frightened me. I trusted him, but I was terrified of him at the same time. The irrationality of my feelings confused me.

  “Why don’t you tell him? Maybe if he knows —”

  “Tell him! I don’t want him to know. He would probably be disgusted by it. He would hate me so

  much . . .”

  “He wouldn’t hate you. It will help him understand you better.”

  I shook my head. “Nay, he will think I am weak. A helpless woman, incapable of defending herself. A victim.”

  I looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Samuel, I want him to see me the way I was before any of it happened. Before I was forced to marry. I don’t want him to see me as a victim. Besides, he’ll be angry that I lied to him.”

  “I do not see you as a victim. What you were able to endure, with your sanity intact, is remarkable, Julia. You’re a survivor Julia.”

  I shook my head and looked away. “Only because of you, Samuel,” I mumbled. “If you hadn’t rescued me when you did, Gregory would have killed me.”

  “You are wrong. You survived three years with that brute! You lived through it all by yourself. I was not there; I did not even know you existed until more than two years into your marriage. The term is survivor, Julia, not victim,” Samuel said, his voice suddenly harsh.

  Bewildered, I stared at him. “Samuel —”

  “Being a survivor is in your blood, Julia. Even after I brought you here, if any of us had made a move that you thought was threatening you would have fled, would you not?”

  “I would have tried to,” I muttered. “Not that I had the strength to.”

  “That’s not the point Julia. You would have tried, that is the point.” As I stared, dumbfounded, Samuel took my hand. “Let’s take a walk Julia.”

  “What about Christy? Shouldn’t you stay with her?”

  Samuel shook his head. “She’s doing better, and the others will be waking up soon. Come, we’ll have more privacy to speak about this outside.”

  His voice sounded tired. I wondered why. Surely, he hadn’t stayed up all day with Christy. He told me before that the sun didn’t kill us, it only saps our strength. Still, I concluded he must have slept some, and I was probably the one making him tired.

  “All right.”

  Samuel gently guided me outside. We walked a little way and he turned to face me. Now that we were outside where there was starlight, I noticed how drawn his features looked. “Samuel? Are you all right?” I asked.

  “Aye. I just did not get any sleep,” he replied. “Anyway, back to your problem, Julia.” He gave me a hard look. “If you don’t want to tell him, that of course is your decision, Sunshine, and I do understand why you do not wish to,” he allowed grudgingly.

  I narrowed my eyes. “Of course you do,” I muttered sarcastically.

  Samuel continued, not seeming to hear me. “You have to stop thinking like that, Julia.” He gestured with his arm at our surroundings. “Your two feet are firmly on this planet. You’re surrounded by beautiful nights,” he continued as the moon began to rise. “You have friends here that care about you, your sister and brother-in-law are alive and well, and you are finally reunited with the man you love. If you hadn’t been a survivor, you wouldn’t have this today. You would either be six feet under the ground or too beaten to get out of bed,” Samuel said bluntly. He turned to look directly into my eyes.

  His words were a reprimand, albeit a gentle and much-needed one. A protest was on the tip of my tongue but I stopped it there. He was right, I admitted to myself. If I had failed to act when I had the opportunity, I probably would have died.

  Samuel’s words also reminded me that I now had much to be grateful for, things I hadn’t had while human: people who loved and cared about me, who had not once criticized nor jeered at me for speaking my mind since joined with them. I had freedom to make my own choices, as long as those choices didn’t intentionally put me or others in danger. I had another kind of freedom as well—the freedom to be myself. If only I knew who I really was!

  “You do know.”

  “Don’t do that,” I scolded. “I hate it when you read my mind.”

  “You’re doing a lot better, Julia. So much better than when I first met you. I’m proud of you.”

  I looked at him in sudden disbelief. “You’re serious?”

  “You are better. It is the truth.”

  I shook my head. I thought for a moment, struggling to put into words how I felt.

  “I do not even know who I am. I changed after marrying Gregory. My own sister told me that. But I cannot seem to remember how I was like before that. Do you understand?”

  “Aye. You adopted certain behaviors to stay alive and it seemed normal to act that way. But now those behaviors are starting to feel strange to you. Julia, I will not lie to you. It will take time to fully recover your spirit, and you will never be the same person you once were. That is true of all of us, or it should be. We learn through our experiences. We change because of them, yes; but if we look only at what we have lost of ourselves, we will be blind to what to what we’ve gained. You will find your way to knowing and being who you truly are, as long as you do not let guilt or fear dwell in you. You did all you could. It is time to relinquish the past and let your future come to you.”

  I leaned against a tree and gazed down the lane. “I could have done more,” I whispered. I expected Samuel to get angry, but he only looked curious.

  “Oh really? Do tell me,” he urged in a wry voice. He leaned against another tree and stared at me. “I’m very interested. What could you have done, Juliana?”

  “Where do you want me to start?”

  “At the beginning. At the first thing you think you could have done differently.”

  “Well, first of all, I wouldn’t have married him at all!” I snapped. “I should have eloped with Adam. I should have realized how Gregory was like. My sister even tried to warn me he was not a good man.”

  Samuel nodded for me to keep going. He said nothing.

  After a second, I filled the silence. I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying; the words just seemed to burst out, as if they had a mind of their own. “Then, even if I had married him, as I had,
I should have left when Crystal warned me to, instead of stubbornly refusing to do so because it would disgrace the family. And once I had Marie, and saw how he treated her, I should have given her to my sister. I should have done more to protect my baby. I had several chances, but I did not take them. There was so much I could have done, Samuel! But I was not wise enough to do what I should have. I was a fool.”

  I expected him to jump right in and agree, but he did not. Instead he asked what I thought was a strange question. “How old were you when you were married? About fifteen?”

  I nodded. “What are you trying to say, Samuel?”

  “You were very young, Julia. You were obliged by your father to marry, were you not?”

  I nodded for him to continue.

  “That’s just it, Julia. You were young, confused, and frightened. You were taught to obey your parents’ wishes without question, as all children are. Even after you found out how your husband was like, you still did not want to disobey your parents, partly because you were still so young that pleasing your parents was important to you, and also because being married was all you were raised to do.”

  “I spoke to my father once, told him about Gregory’s beating me, and asked for his help. He shocked me by striking me. But Crystal is younger than I, and even so, she urged me to seek safety.”

  “She wasn’t the one being mistreated. It’s easy for people to give advice when they are not being threatened or hit. It is much harder to take that advice if you are afraid of being tracked down and hurt far worse, is it not?”

  “That is true.”

  “Those things you mentioned you should have done would have been wonderful— if they had worked. Yet you could have been hurt worse, as you were well aware. And you did try to escape, did you not?. You did all you could, Julia. You were not a match for Gregory’s strength. Do you understand that?”

  “I suppose I do. It is just so hard to remember that sometimes.”

  “I know Julia. Tell Adam whatever and as much of it as you see fit. I will not betray your confidence.” He paused. “I meant to tell you—you did pretty well fighting last night.”

  I laughed. “Are you insane? I nearly got killed last night.”

  “You staked the one assailant, did you not? And a year ago you probably would not have known what to do, nor even tried to fight, correct?”

  “Probably,” I said after a second.

  “You did well compared to where you were before. And you remembered to call on us. You will get better with time. Even we older vampires had difficulties last night—that’s what happens when you are ambushed. We are not perfect either, even though we like to think it.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “Perfect indeed!”

  “You do not believe I’m perfect?”

  “Samuel, if you do not be quiet I’m going to hit you,” I warned, trying to hide a smile.

  A faint smile tugged at his lips. “You could try,” he teased.

  “I’ll do more than try,” I said and hit him.

  “Children,” Samuel sighed and rolled his eyes.

  I smiled. “Thank you. I guess we should go back before they send someone out after us.”

  Samuel nodded. “Good idea. Later, I’ll be happy to take you and Adam hunting,” he offered quietly.

  I nodded and began walking. “I would appreciate that.” We walked back to the house in silence.

  Adam, Damien, and Matthew were sitting at the table when we walked back in. Damien was eating. “There you are. We were beginning to think we would have to send a search party out.”

  I walked to Adam as Samuel shook his head.

  Adam studied me. “You were gone a long time. Are you all right now?”

  I put my arms on his shoulders. “Aye. I’m all right. Thank you for asking.”

  He smiled at me. “I asked because I care, Julia.”

  I looked over at Matthew. “How’s Christy?”

  “A little better. She woke up about ten minutes ago,” Matthew answered, relief clear in his voice.

  “Good.”

  Matthew nodded. He looked at Samuel and frowned. “Samuel, did you get any sleep?”

  Samuel answered without looking at him. “Nay. I was up with Christy all day.”

  “Samuel!” Matthew scolded in an exasperated voice.

  Samuel scowled. “Someone had to stay up with her. So I did.”

  Matthew nodded. A long minute later he said, “Just promise me that you’ll feed later.”

  “Of course,” he replied in a lazy drawl. Matthew mumbled something in another language.

  I went and sat between Adam and Samuel. “What did you say?” I asked, looking back at Matthew.

  “Oh, nothing. I was just practicing my French. I haven’t been back to the home country for years. Thought I might have forgotten.”

  “You’re from France?” Adam asked, sounding curious.

  Matthew nodded. “I’ve been living in England for a long time now, though. I almost consider myself more English than French.”

  Samuel got up again. He walked to the doorway of the room Christy and the others were in, said a few words in fluent Latin, waited a moment, and then walked back to us. He stood behind me and lightly put his arm around my shoulders. “We should head out soon, Sunshine. The three of us need to feed, and I need to bring some blood back for Christy.”

  “I agree,” I said, uncertainly glancing at Adam. His eyes were narrowed and he was watching Samuel intently.

  “Good. I can train you more later as well.”

  A faint smile curled his lips. He looked down at me and his eyes became distant as he studied me. I concentrated on him and I was surprised when I was able to tell a little of what he was thinking. I usually couldn’t unless he was directly speaking to me telepathically. I supposed it was because he was weak from not having slept.

  As he looked at me, he was marveling at the change in me in the past year or so. I saw an image of myself when I first met him. It startled me a little. I hadn’t realized how awful I looked then. That I was no beauty, I knew, but I didn’t know I looked that bad.

  In the image I saw from Samuel’s memory, I was extremely pale and my hair was a tangled mess. I was practically covered in blood and was badly bruised. I think the expression in my eyes was the worst a heart-wrenching mixture of terror, anger, grief, shock, and despair.

  I shook my head sharply and jerked back, severing mind contact. Seeing myself from another vampire’s eyes— especially Samuel’s—shocked me.

  “My goodness,” I whispered, barely able to speak.

  Samuel leaned down and whispered against my ear. “Reading my mind, Sunshine? Well, you should know you look a lot better,” he whispered, and sent a picture directly into my mind. This time it was I who was marveling at my own change. My hair was neat and fluffy, my skin was flawless and flushed with color from the blood that nourished me, and my eyes sparkled with life, not unlike they had when I was younger and life was simpler. I was pretty again.

  “I had wondered if I would ever be pretty enough that people would want to see and touch me again,” I whispered, so only he could hear. I closed my eyes.

  “I have always thought you were pretty,” Samuel replied, but his voice was nowhere as soft as mine had been. Seemingly to prove his point, he reached up and gently stroked my cheek.

  Adam stood up. I heard it rather than saw it. “Samuel!” he snarled.

  I sensed Jeffrey and Mary Anne walk in. “Here we go again,” Jeffrey muttered.

  As I opened my eyes I felt Samuel step back slightly. Everyone was staring at us, Damien in confusion, Matthew in some sort of sardonic amusement, the other two in exasperation.

  “What, Adam?” Samuel asked quietly.

  “Stop it,” Adam warned with quiet anger.

  Samuel looked amused. “Stop what?” he inquired, reaching out to touch my hair.

  “You know what I’m talking about,” Adam said harshly. He stepped closer. Samuel calmly stepped awa
y from me and smiled. Adam lunged at him. Samuel stepped aside and grabbed his arm.

  “This is interesting,” Matthew murmured. He looked intrigued by what was occurring. The others didn’t look so enthused.

  Adam tried to jerk free but couldn’t. Even weakened by having been awake during the day, Samuel was still much stronger. He spun him around and struck him across the chest with his open hand.

  Adam doubled over and swore.

  Samuel stepped back. “Adam, you would do well to be less possessive,” he said softly. Adam stood and kicked him. “Silly young vampire,” Samuel murmured grabbing his arm again and twisting it, his movements still smooth and relaxed.

  “Nay! Samuel, stop it!” I yelled as I stood up. “What is wrong with you two?”

  Matthew clasped his hands behind his head and glanced at me. “Why should they stop? Things are just getting interesting. I love it when people jostle for position. They’re just fighting over their positions in the group, especially when it comes to you, Julia.”

  I looked at him, still angry and still not understanding. “Me? Why?”

  Matthew shook his head. “My, you are the most naïve woman I have ever met.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “Never mind. You obviously don’t understand,” Matthew said with a shrug.

  “I am not possessive!” Adam snapped.

  Samuel let him and stood. “Oh?”

  “Would you boys stop it!” Mary Anne snarled.

  Samuel and Adam both scowled at her and turned back to their fight. “Do not touch her, Samuel.”

  “Why not? She’s not a piece of property, Adam,” Samuel said, just as quietly. His voice at his last sentence was sarcastic.

  For a second, a very brief second, I began to grasp what Matthew was trying to tell me, but then my mind rejected the idea. Samuel couldn’t be in love with me. It was impossible—at least it seemed so to me. No one could be in love with someone who was weak enough to go through the horror I did without doing more to stop it, especially not one of the older vampires. Oh, Samuel excused that behavior on my part, and admonished me not to carry that load of guilt, but that did not mean he would ever love a woman like me. Why Samuel chose me for the mission he did was also beyond my comprehension. I still did not see why he thought I would be capable of overthrowing Valentino, even if it was meant to happen a few centuries from now. The only reason Adam still loved me was because he didn’t know the whole truth of my past with Gregory. And I vowed he never would.